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Hindsight is an amazing thing. It would be lovely to be able to bottle it and send it to yourself at the right time in the past so that different choice could be made.
While it's true that those different choices could be made anyway, it's usually at a point of the wrong emotions and the wrong time that decisions get made that come with lots of clean up. Unless your a lucky individual who can take any pending disaster and defy everything.
I really want to believe that this is why super heroes were created in the first place. To right all wrongs, and set things straight and make it all better and get back just in time to have dinner.
All of this thinking has come about because I've been observing a young couple who should never have gotten married. They have children now and she's so bad at her half of things that he couldn't deal with being a parent to children and having to care take his wife and answer all her whims. He finally left and is now a mess in his head.
Over the years as I've watched them, I've watched him get buried deeper and deeper in something that would take massive effort to fix.
He really did love her back in the beginning but she pissed that away by being the female version of an ass. He's young but from what I've observed he's confused and feels like he failed.
The problem right now is that no matter how many people tell him he hasn't failed, he's having a hard time hearing it.
In the mean time she is trying to reel him back, she really has no desire to be a parent. He was the best thing that ever happened to her. My hope is that he'll ignore her and just focus on being a good dad to the kids until they are grown.
I hope that when he finally does meet the right person that he'll be able to find happiness.
In the end all I can do is watch and observe. Their stuff isn't mine to fix. I don't want to.
As with all sad stories and broken lives it would be wonderful to be able to give the participants a bottle of hindsight before they go there and do that and have to put their lives back together. That includes me.
I did something this morning that I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
I had talked to my daughter last week asking if the need arose would they let me stay for a couple of days. She was clear that there was to be no smoking even in the yard...why would she think that I would do that?
I respect their wishes when it comes to things like that and then I called a few days later to clarify the question. Her answer to the question was no that even if the need arose I was not welcome to stay there. It was a devistating thing to hear. I want to be closer to my grand children but if I go and can't find work I'm homeless.
I've had some days to think about all of this. Moving to a new place and trying to find work means that you need an address and a phone number so prospective employers can know that you can be reached.
With out that there is no work to be had. The only option is labor ready and that leaves you few options. A shelter which has a limited amount of days and then your on the streets.
So I made this decision after thinking about the whole thing and sent the new email address and told her I knew how busy their lives were and offering the email might make keeping in contact easier than when I call because it always seems like I'm intruding in on their lives which I don't want to. And I haven't heard from her.
I know she got the message.
I will leave it with her. After being told no that I wasn't welcome it made me feel that she wanted me to stay here or the very nearest she suggested was this trailer park near the freeway in the same town.
It made me feel like I was being completely rejected by her. Like she didn't want me close, that I would some how infect her children...
I understand wanting to protect your children. But from your mother? I know I was a horrible mother. I got ultra religious and after realizing that they didn't want me to stay, I left.
Now there is a strong need to be near my children after 13 years.
It's clear they don't want the same thing.
I'm looking at some alternative choices. I need something that feels like a welcoming family. I wish it was my children. But it's not. It breaks my heart. But it's how things read out. I made a decision. Not maybe the best decision, but a decision non the less. Time will tell if it was bad or not. It will show itself to be what it is.
In sorting things out I ran across something that rang right. Cold feet. It's something that is usually associated with wedding jitters, but not something I'd associate with where things are, starting over which is what's happened for all intent and purposes.
Cold feet. Stuck. Stopped. Scared. Wondering if this forward motion is a good thing or something, one more thing that down the road I'm going to regret.
I've seen myself as an out of the box type person for a long, long time, but never imagined that I'd be so far out of the box like this is.
I'm so glad that I remembered my pass word for this place. It does need a need identity because calling it the bat cave doesn't really work anymore.
Maybe a new name for it will show up and it will be a perfect fit, but it doesn't matter because everything in life has this feel of badly fitting shoes.
Everything also has this feel of being an observer in a class room.
It's very weird. I feel weird so I'm sure that's why it all feels so weird. I keep thinking that letting go of everything is the only way to go forward....
Getting used to this lap top is weird too. But change for all the upheaval that it can do, isn't a bad thing. I'm having to really rely on how good of a typist I actually am because trying to write with out being able to pick up the keyboard is a pain in the butt.
I chose this lap top because I wanted no bells or whistles or anything fancy. Just basic stuff that I could figure at least somethings out with...
Most of what the figuring out is about has more to do with being able to square with the reality of how alone I feel and how much all of this feels like dealing with the effects of a person after they have died.
I look around me and I see the world of a life that no longer has a point to it...and yet I'm still in the same body that I was in before it happened. A new life while still in the old body.
I wonder if the dust from this kind of thing ever really settles and I think maybe it does and then the wind comes along and blows it away and spreads it out until nothing familiar exists of the past.
Ground zero of a life that's gone.
This is what it looks like when it's not what you wanted or were on board with.
What's nice about loosing everything and not remembering what pass words are is that all the collected stuff that was passing interest is gone.
Almost all the things I'd bookmarked for later I don't remember. In truth it doesn't matter anymore. Amazing how much junk one can collect even on something that is more or less mostly invisible except on a screen that exists via electric currant.
Unless things get printed out and exists on copy paper, it's all just floating around in this nothingness.
The need to write remains. It tells me that it's one of the foundations that didn't get destroyed completely. It's like a life jacket that keeps me afloat in this sea that is so vast now that I have no clue where shore is or when I'll get there.
In dejunking this place and cleaning it up I'll be throwing away art that's been here for a long time. I'd decided that because I didn't want some greasy art dealer making tons of money on my work after I died that I'd leave instructions in a will that any art left after I died was to be destroyed.
I have always thought it unfair that an artist works for years creating works and can't make a living from it and after they die some jerk comes along and makes a shit ton of money. A leach that feeds on the dead.
So I'll be destroying art that I created and working on creating new stuff.
I was thinking that maybe I'll try my hand at painting from life instead of just painting and letting go and seeing what comes from it.
I get the feeling I'm a new person in the works from all of this.
It's not a bad deal actually. Since I already know that no matter where I go the family I have left won't care, and since all the people I used to think of as friends are gone out of my life, where I go is totally up to me.
It's been years since any of them called. It's been me doing all the keeping in contact.
They were important to me but like so many other things it's been one sided. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be in relationships of any kind where I'm just as important to them as they are to me.
If it's all just me then it's all one sided.
No point in wasting any more life on that kind of world. It takes and hurts and beats the crap out of a person.
If it's my life then I have to lay the ground rules. I know that I have a want to be important enough to be thought of more than in passing.
If I'm the only person in that world, then that's the way it has to be.
Since I haven't figured out how to use spell check, using those words I love that are rich and lovely like old finely crafted trinkets that decorate houses that look more like museums than living spaces, I have to keep it simple.
Simple is good.
I've learned a whole lot since I left 13 years ago. I learned that there are more people in the world who are about taking than giving. I've learned that nothing lasts. I've learned that people arn't interested in changing some kind of social injustice unless they are affected by it.
The world over there away from them is over there and it really is little more than over there and although they may talk about it, the impact to their lives is minimal at best.
Getting people to commit to making changes by standing and protesting and seeing things through takes time and that gets boring because it's not an instant thing and people love instant because this electronic world we live in has changed the levels of long term interest in people.
One of the visible effects of that is the credit card debt that exists and the amount of people living well beyond their means and then stuff happens and there is loss. Lots and lots of loss.
I have no doubt that there are more people feeling what I'm feeling in different shades of life than people who arn't.
The good news is that there is a movement to going minimalist which I actually really love. Get rid of the crap and find a way back to enjoying nature and having relationships that arn't based on some hand held devise.
It's a completing of a circle that started long before any of us who are alive today were ever born.
Anyway, enough for this morning. I have a sneaky feeling that sooner or later my need to have anything familiar will go into the junk heap too.
But that may turn out to be a wrong idea too. I thought I knew a whole lot, it turns out that I don't.
I still observe things and ponder them but I don't know much other than things look like what they look like.
...all of this makes me feel very much like waking up after a very long sleep and all the surroundings are strange.
strange and weird life in forward gear.
I was told the other day at the job I do 5 days a week that I was very flexible and was thanked that I was that way.
This compliment came out of the mouth of an ill placed little director who is ambitious and arrogant.
I replied that I wished they would make up their mind because I just wanted to get this part of the job done, so I had to be flexible.
This little director and her twin who is equally arrogant and ambitious didn't say much. Both of these wretched people work under the same disaster of a director that I do.
The ugly soul at the top of this heap of three is about as much of a director as I am the queen of England.
What makes the head director so ugly in the soul is that their true colors are all about achieving their own ends no matter who they have to sacrifice to get what they want.
Their whole way of running the department makes everyone who works in that department a target when ever it's needed by her to get what she wants.
She is one ugly bitch underneath that stereo typical blonde cheerleader type that have as much brains as a bowl of cereal.
I've come to believe the reason the CEO of the place hired her is that he has a thing for blondes who have some quality about their body that makes look almost like a hybread of the Amazon woman that's in those cheesy B Si-Fi movies.
The top assistant director that he chose looks like an Amazon Barbie doll right down to her ability to wear that neon barbie doll pink. She's this jock in this giant woman's body and she's got the long blonde hair. I swear she looks like a giant barbie doll and she is scary to look at.
As the assistant director of the place the only thing she cares about is making people do her thing, what ever that is.
She's miserable. It oozes out of her pores but I'm guessing she makes good money which is why she stays.
The leadership qualities she has would be better served as a basket ball coach due to her jock nature.
I could easily see her having a sex change operation and no one ever guessing that she was once a woman.
The receptionist at the front desk of the offices of the company is another really tall blonde that reminds me of another version of the barbie doll variety.
I have no idea if she is anything but a deep well of arrogance because that's all that's ever smacked into my face every time I talk to her.
The public receptionist is this short sturdy blonde from Germany who reminds me of a compact version of the Amazon woman movie type.
She has no sense of humor, just this cold hard drive thing going on.
All of these women are the CEO's choice and all of them are in the wrong job.
The director of the department I work in would make a great flight attendant. When I finally am able to quit this job I'm going to tell her that she would make a great flight attendant because her skills as the director of a nutrition department are lousy.
This woman is going to end up destroying what used to be a strong department before she got hired.
When it starts happening she will panic and try to push the responsibility for it onto who ever she can to escape the CEO realizing that she is endangering his cash cow (that's the department I work in and it's the department that allows the company to keep their non profit status) and fire her.
The premise of the non profit that started the whole thing has been buried under a whole lot of other stuff, but it's kept alive so that it can continue to produce lots and lots of donations in large sums of money. A large cut of all that donated money goes first into the CEO's pockets and then smaller big chunks are paid to these different directors leaving just enough to keep the cash cow at the subsistence level.
The bastard CEO has been at this mess for a very long time.
The only thing I can see that will ever help is if the CEO decides to retire or he dies. The man has no heart outside of the one that keeps the blood pumping through that body he is in.
Knowing all of this keeps me searching for another job. I haven't found one yet but every day I think maybe today I'll find the one that will allow me to leave this mess behind me like a bad nightmare.
Over the last week I've read more news articles than I can remember doing in a very long time.
It's pretty much swallowed every single day up. Maybe not the best thing to do with a week, but it happens.
What I've following are the protests and their connected stories. There are a lot of those.
The main one I've been following is the occupation of wall street which from what I can tell, is about a variety of wants due to frustration brought on as the aftermath of the bail out of wall street by the us government which ended up being billed to the rest of the American citizens.
It was a crappy deal that didn't need to happen.
That became evident when it was reported that all these CEO's got these huge bonuses, that's actually where the majority of the money went to.
The people were pissed, and rightly so and have demanded that the government get answers, do something, fix the economy, help we need help your drowning us now with debt that congress decided to say yes to. So the occupation of wall street has genuine validity to it.
The problem has been that there wasn't some sort of one single demand made and it's just been a series of marches and camping out for almost a week now by mostly over educated under paid college students, who are showing the world this interesting process of giving everyone a voice.
The general assembly meetings they have are interesting to listen to. One person will speak and everybody repeats what they say. That's to ensure that every body has heard what has been said.
There have been arrests. For stupid things, one of which is a very old law that basicly says that in New York wearing a mask is only lawful if your going to a masked ball or costume party.
Doing it outside of that is only allowed one person at a time.
The cops have been looking for ways to incite people to violence so that they can respond. It hasn't worked so far.
Finally yesterday they came up with a list of demands. It's kind of long, but there are valid demands.
I've been reading about the protests going on else where in the world at the same time, and about a man named Troy Davis who was executed by the state of Georgia in spite of the huge amount of reasonable doubt about whether or not he killed a cop several years ago. He was a black man by the way which figures into the bottom line of all of this.
Georgia is one of the states in this country that is still highly racially dominated in pretty much everything.
There were thousands of petitions and thousands of letters written to the governor and even the president of the us. The pleas were ignored and they went ahead with the execution.
The very next day a white guy who was slated to die has his sentence commuted to life because he said he was guilty but really, really sorry for his crimes.
Troy Davis never stopped saying he didn't do what he was accused of, and there was enough evidence to show that he didn't shoot the cop.
So in the end this was clearly the modern form of execution due to race.
Since the main stream media here is owned by big business it's very hard to get any real news stories about most of the protesting that's happening here and around the world.
This has provided opportunity for small independent news media to actually get heard.
Which is good actually. It's part of the change that has been taking place since 2008. All of this whole mess that has reverberated from the bail out, has begun to make people start to realize that dependence on government and large corporations is a really dead end.
The realization that we are the people we've been crying out for to rescue us from the mess is starting to actually hit home.
It's been a long week. I've decided to take a few days break from all of it because it's been an over load of information.
I need time to digest it all and get some things done that have been neglected because I've gotten so caught up in all of it.
I hope everyone has a peaceful and fun weekend.
Not that it means much at this point, but it is Friday. The feeling of being wandering and lost hasn't left the building in so long now that I'm thinking I should just start charging rent to the thing.
I finally got access to a good hi def camera and took pictures of all the art I have left which numbers in the neighborhood of about 300 pieces.
It's all the stuff from over the last 11 years of study. I decided to do an anthology of it because I seriously needed to see something concrete from the last 11 years of trying and hitting walls.
I got the normal and very few remarks of how it was liked.
I stopped believing that years ago when people would say that and then never buy anything.
I came to the conclusion that saying the word like in reference to someone's art is just bullshit.
I've repeated myself that I hate compliments that are given out of fear that I will be offended.
I've also said very clearly, if you hate it, say so..don't hand me a fake compliment because it's believed that all artists have thin skins and can't handle the truth about their work.
But alas no one listens.
This repeating thing has made me rather cynical about what people say to my face about my work. I know for sure that people like something I've made when they buy it.
That's something tangable and real.
I have stopped complimenting the work of other artists if I can't buy something that I actually like from them.
If that crap bothers me, why do that to another artist.
So I tend to look a lot and admire other people's work, but since I don't have the money to buy it, I tend not to say much of anything at all.
But that's just me I think. I think most artists love compliments as it gives some kind of excitement and generates energy to keep doing the art. Not me. I'm a screwed up weirdo I guess.
My sister told me about this guy who is a friend of hers who is really big in the art world (he has connections) and this guy has money. She told him about my work and directed him in my direction.
I told her I didn't expect him to say anything about my art because that's the way it goes.
She kept trying to tell me other wise. So now we get to see if she is right about this guy or I am.
My gut feeling says that he isn't going to say a single word.
But as always I could be wrong.
I've been putting applications and getting the same answer back that I've gotten from so many others. We are taking our time picking here and it will be a while before we make our decision...fuckers, don't waste my time. That answer they give me says to me that they are trying to be nice but don't want to just flat out tell me I'm not what they are looking for...it makes me feel like I meet more liars than honest people.
And what it does to my trust of people is shatter it more and more.
I seriously have thought about just walking off out into some off place that has no people so I can at least enjoy nature with out someone saying something that is nothing but a lie in a nice suit.
anyway, I'm not in the best frame of mind. Funny thing is I don't care anymore that I'm not. Go figure.