harold_maude's journal

Wensday night again

# 46356

I think summer arrived this week a couple of months early.
I think spring went by so fast that it just looked like mud for a few days and then it left.

But it's still only mid april, so anything could still happen weather wise.

I'm slowly getting used to my job. I'm finding the biggest challange I have with it is that it hurts my hands still, and because of that I'm having to learn to work around what my hands feel like.
It's slowed my art to a crawl. For a couple of weeks it was impossible to hold a brush for more then just a few minuets.
Now it's about 45 minuets. I'm having to learn to use as little grip as possible so that I can paint longer.
I am determined to paint.

I refuse to let pain keep me from doing what I love. That's what this has come down to.
I refuse to stop doing art.

So I am getting used to this, and I'm taking some stuff for my joints called move free. I will know in a short amount of time if it helps.

It's wensday

# 46354

Well, it's half way through the week. Not sure how I feel about it because I've got three more days this week of doing the dough thing.
My body doesn't like doing it and has let me know in no uncertian terms that it doesn't like it. It hurts to do this job which lets me know that it's very possible that the family gift of arthritis is trying to pull me into the fun world of daily pain and adjustment.

In light of the pain which at times has me close to tears, I've been doing some searching for something that will help.
And I think I found something that might be what I'm looking for, it's a mixture of either 3 or 4 different ingrients with really long names that are for joint problems.
If this stuff works then I'll be able to go back to painting, something which has been kind of out of the picture since I started this job. It just hurts way too much to hold a brush or pencil for very long.

It's hard not to be angry about having to take a job that is taking way more than it's giving back. Yes, I know I'm lucky to have this job, but come on, no job should take so much that when your not doing it life becomes a challange just to do mundany and ordinary tasks.

I have to wait until monday to get this stuff as that's payday.
I wish my ship would come in already and I could finally get a break that isn't loaded with all kinds of extra stuff for me to deal with.

I'm not a happy camper since I started this job, and I like food service. Most of the jobs are hard but fun. This one just plain sucks big time.

Ok, I'm done ranting now. No point in bitching about what I can't fix for the moment.

2:30 A.M.

# 46353

Last night I decited to go to bed early. I could barely keep my eyes open. So, I go to bed at about 8:30. A couple hours earlier than I would normally go to bed.
About an hour later I'm having dreams of the phone ringing and it wakes me up.
A missed call from my mom. So I call her back, I'm kind of groggy but it's ok. It's my mom.

She got really sick last fall and spent about 3 months in the hosptial, but recovered fine. For the first few weeks it was not clear wether or not she would recover, but she did.

Our phone conversations now last less than 5 minuets, just a bit of hello, and small talk and she's pretty much done saying what she needs to. I figure talking on the phone wears her out a bit now. No worries. So I go back to bed.

It's roughly about 9:40 at this point. I fall back asleep and the dreams start, a strange mix of bullets, tanks and pizza dough all kind of mixing together like some bad recipie.

Somewhere about an hour ago, at least that's what my guess is, I started waking up, my body in a state of discomfort is what the problem was.
My left shoulder at the joint has decited that it's not happy this morning and is in pain.

I don't know if this is going to change. I don't know if people who make pizza crusts and move that much dough around for hours on end ever get used to it.

So finally I look at the clock. 2:20 a.m. My stomache is not happy. So I get up, followed by the cat who is telling me she wants food.
I have a class I'm required to be at this afternoon on making dough.
I've doing this for over a month now, and aparently the decision has come down the pike that I got trained wrong.
So me and 5 other people, one who did this crap for 6 months several years ago are required to take this class.

For some reason this feels like we are all in trouble, and they are going to fix the problem.
The problem is that instead of being reasonable and having two people work the dough, it would ease the wear on one person, get the crap done faster and that would relive some of the stress associated with this crappy job.

Sometimes upper management seems to miss it completely.

Gonna try to go back to bed now. I'm still really tired.

And another thing

# 46352

I've come back to writing in this place. The bat cave. My bat cave. Does that mean that I see myself as some kind of super hero?
No. It just means that I have a place that is my sanctuary, hidden away. Just like bat caves tend to be.
You can find them, but you have to know what to look for to find them.

Anyway, I'm in deep thought mode today. That's a pretty common activity to my life. It's something that is also private, but there are things that go through my mind that I don't want to forget, so I write. I read somewhere that it's good for your emotional health to write. Just like tears are good for the health of your eyes. Being a natual eye wash.
If you think about it long enough you can see a purpose to almost everything.

I was thinking about the relationships I've had over the years.
All different kinds of relationships. Some of them have been wonderful and gave me many wonderful gifts that still affect my life to this day.
Gifts of axioms and views and perspectives as well as some tangable gifts, cards and letters, photos, that kind of thing.
Thoes are all gifts, things that are important to me.

They are not fancy, or expensive in the way that gifts are often seen, but to me they are more special than any expensive store bought gift any day of the week.

Some of the relationships I've had with people have been painful, hurtful, and I have ended up loosing much. Parts of my life that I will never get back. But I don't regret having thoes relatonships. I learned stuff from them.
I got a chance to see some larger pictures because of thoes relationships.
I've had relationships that failed because the other person could not see or accept me for everything I am, and everything I'm not and still choose to be in the relationship with me.
I did something in thoes places that many people would never do, I took all the responsiblity for what went wrong.

It may seem a stupid and pointless thing to do considering that no relationship of any kind goes bad just because of one person in the relationship. For any relationship to exist, there has to be two parties involved.
When things go wrong, both have had a hand in that process.

While it's true that one may be more responsible for doing more stuff that will kill a relationship than the other person, but both have a part in the process.

I took all the responsibility for a couple of reasons. First I realized that fighting because of anger or frustration is a natural response and quite normal, but most of the time durring a fight no one is really listening to the other, and the one thing that can change everything isn't happening, and that's communication.
Simple talking about what's wrong, and simply listening instead of thinking about what your going to say and the grievences you have as well, can go a long way to making room for change.

I have heard that fighting is a healthy thing to do. It's part of being human, it's how you find out the truth of who your fighting with, as in you can't really know a person until you fight with them kind of thing.

Fighting for what you need, want ect. is part of the human condition, and there is nothing wrong with it.
When fighting is based on wounded emotions it takes turns and twists that only seem to make things worse.
That's the kind of fighting that I tend to refuse to participate in. That's the place where communication is most needed, and could help fix alot of things that can distroy a relationship.

The next reason I have taken all the responsiblity is because someone had to. It was the only way to keep things calm. I would rather walk away peacefully from a relationship than have it explode all over the place.

The last reason is because I want to show them somthing different than they have ever seen before. If I can do that sucessfully then they can never say they very seen kindness or mercy or tollerance up close and personal.
One less excuse, one step closer for taking responsiblity for your own life.
One step closer to self discovery.

I really do think that's part of why we are all here. What the point is to all of this that's going on in the world.
That's one of thoes big pictures I was talking about.

I've come to a conclusion about something. Life is the journey of the discover of the self. In the light of that discovery, our place and our purpose become clear.

I know that alot of this may seem very esoteric, but let me bring it to a place that is a little more ordinary.
Thoes big questions of who are we, and why are we here get answered in a very personal way.

What object has more value than your life? I can't think of a single object such as house, job, money, toys, stuff, things, vacations, games, movies, books, cars, etc. that have any where as close a value as your life.

Knowing who you are means that you can find your way a bit easier, and life for you then becomes easier, because you understand something more about why you do the things you do and make the choices you do.
When we finally figure out who we are, the rest is easier than it was before.

When we know who we are, and why we're here, prefrences seem to change and it's easier to see less of a need or even a want for certian things.
That's part of what happens to a person when they leave home.

It's part of the way things are ment to be. We arrive into this life, grow up and leave home to find our own way.
I realize as I say this that this doesn't happen for everyone.
But non the less it covers enough of the human race to be a vaild point.

...I realize that I really do love to talk. I'm better at oration than I am at conversation.
I'm even better at listening. That's another reason I write so much. I don't care if anyone reads this or not. It's just been really nice to write it down and get it out of my head.
That will make more room for more ponderings.
As well as more of these rambling journal entries that I am so fond of.

The meaning of

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# 46351

"I love you." A statement made every day by someone to someone else in this country. That's something with out looking up statics to prove it before I say it, that with this many people in this country, I'm pretty sure I'm right about this.

We say it alot. But what does it mean actually? Is it more like "Hi, how are you doing?" or "It's nice to meet you." and other greetings, salutaions and phrases that mean nothing beyond that?

There seems to have grown such a commonness about words like love, that when relationships that were suppose to be in existance because they were baised on love, fall apart at the seams you just gotta wonder, did they really understand what they were saying when they told each other that they loved each other in the first place.

Love is not just an emotional state due to the over flow and release of chemicals in the brain with body following close behined.

It's not just love either that seems to have gotten trampled in some kind of self absorbed stampede along the way.
Other words like trust, responsiblity, respect, have all suffered in similar ways over the years that I've been walking around on the planet.

These words that are said have meaning. But all of them take thought before engaging. And maybe that's the real problem with how many of these words get said and then nothing even closely resembling their real meaning happens.

You can find stories about these words. They are the examples that are given of these words.

So some of the questions I have about these words are, what do these words really mean? What do they have in common? Why are they important? or "Are they really important at all?"

Maybe the problem exists because we are living in a state of overwhelmedness. We have so much stuff that we spend most of our lives trying to take care of, that finding time in any mannner to cultivate the real meaning of these words that it's amazing that we even can understand anything at all.

I think that most of these words are about the choices we make as to how we want to live and who we are inside.
I believe this because it's so easy to get burned by people in one way or another. You get burned enough times and it teaches you to fear these words, simply because your trust is a mess.
Heal the trust, and things change. Some people never get their trust healed, and some choose not to let their trust get healed.
Not letting it happen shows up in other words that are said.

I've though alot about what these words mean. Love, honor, respect, etc., and I've come to the conclusion that they are choice more than anything because that's what I've seen.

As time progresses, I see the room these words have to exist in their true nature is getting smaller and smaller all the time.

The examples that we have to go by in currant history are more about selfishness than anything close to resembling these words.

Corruption of the human race due to abundance with no responsiblity taken for any of it. No wisdom applied to any of it. This is why these words have become so common place.
At least in part. It's the part I reconize the most.

Wisdom is a word of action. Using it means that you think things through. All the way to a conclusion if possible.

Wisdom says this, to understand what this is, you must live according to the highest standards of the word.
In understanding what the word means, you can then say the word and you will be speaking the truth of the word that you have been living according to.

Wisdom, is for me at least, one of the most valuable treasures known to mankind. Without it's guidence, we tend as a species to run tord distruction.
Look at all the civilzations that were amazing, but now lay in ruins at their own hand.
Among other things, these dead civilzations are warrnings that with out applying wisdom while we still can, we are going to follow in their footsteps.
History tends to repeat itself.

If wisdom was applied liberally to all things we engage in, then maybe so many horrible things would never happen.
We could stop cycles that keep ending up the same way.

A for instance would be that when two people claim that they love each other wisdom teaches that in order for the love to coninue for all their life, then they must act according to the nature of love, as in living with the other person in mind in all you do.
That's an aspect of love that really seems to have gotten lost in the works.

I do believe the reason that's happened is becuase everything in our social sturcture has been about self and self gratification for a very long time.
When we see the words like love and honor in their true nature, they are often refered to as acts of love and acts of honor, etc.
It makes me wonder are these words that inspire trust and offer freedom becomming nothing more than a novelty and a footnote to humanity.

When I think about it for a while, another question shows up, "what's the point?" I think about what living by the standards of these words means to me, and how I most feel at peace, and the answer I find in myself is this, these words are beautiful to me. Words like love, honor, respect are as beautiful as any rose, a spectaular sunset or sunrise.
They bring healing when they are applied in their truest sense.
That's what makes them beautiful to me.

And that's why I work to live in their shadow. No matter how many times what I offer is never returned, or how many times it gets stepped on, no matter how many times I am misjudged.
It's my choice to keep working to live in the shadow of thoes words. At the end of my life, I don't want to spend time regretting bits of my life and my choices.

For a moment

# 46350

For a moment, lets just say everything is ok.
For a moment lets just immagine that nothing hurts.
For a moment lets just believe that the sun will shine and no rain will ever fall.

For a moment, let me look up and smile.
For a moment, I'll just hold this thought
and no tears will come.

This is a moment. A perfect singluar moment. With no inturptions, no explainations, no other thoughts to distract.
Just this moment, just this here and now.
Holding it's self and us in thie perfect breath.
No extra stuff, just this moment.

Wishing that this moment could be extended and the rest of time with all it's unknowns saved for another day, another hour,
any one but this one.

It's all relative anyway.

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