harold_maude's journal

When getting off work only feels like a work break

# 46349

This job that I have is testing everything about me. I don't have a good time while I'm there, which is something that sort of goes with the fast food arena. It's a no brainer kind of field where you go and do a job and try to have a good time while your doing it.
That's one of the draws of this kind of thing. But this job is not like that.
I've felt everything from digust with it, to rage, to wanting to kill the next person that showed up. In the whole time I've worked there I have had this genral feeling that what I do, although nessiary is treated kind of like the scum of the crew there.
There is this unlaying feeling that there is no real appreciation for the person who gets delgated this possition, the person is more or less a machine cranking out pizza crusts.
So often I have felt like I was drowning in work while just a few feet from people are basicly standing around laughing and joking and having a good time.
They don't think about me or what I'm doing, they just expect that I'm doing it and really could care less if I'm having trouble or maybe could use a hand in putting stuff away.
They don't respect this job, or the work that goes into it.
In fact everyone there who has done this job hates it, and is glad that someone else is doing it, so they don't have to.

Outside of that no one pays attention to the fact that I'm there.
There was a girl who worked today, she's been with this company for about 5 years. She has done the same job I'm doing and is fast at it.
I said hello, and she misunderstood what I said, and proceeded to be a bitch from there on out.
All I could do was think of how I wanted to grab that blond hair and put it through the sheeter until it got ripped from that arrogant head.

I was so happy when she left for the day. I really don't want to be around her. I can feel the animal rage rise up, and I just met this person today.

I have felt instant dislike before, and thankfully it's not often that it happens. This was instant and hard and fast. I found my self immagining her head as a chunk of dough, and giggled when I took the docker and docked each crust...yes, I suppose it's not a very adult way to feel about someone, but when you can smell the arrogance rolling off them, it's hard not to have visions of distroying them go running through the head.

I think the feeling was mutual. But I really don't care. I'm waiting and looking for a different job. I just have to be patient until something close to here shows up.
Then go apply for it, and hope I get it.

I will be happy when something else shows up, I will do what other people are always doing with these kinds of jobs, for the second time in my work history, I will just show up hand in all my corporate stuff and say I'm done. I want to sign a resignation form. Sign it and walk out the door.
End of subject.

I figure it this way, I've been through alot of stuff. I've paid my dues, and I should be able to leave a job that takes so much and gives so little back, as in a paycheck.

I want to be able to enjoy or at least be able to try and enjoy my job. This job is so tedious and insane that it reminds me of another job I had that all I did for 8 hours a day was take staples out of paper, and trim ragged parts of paper.
That job was horrible. Thankfully it was only a temp job, I did make really good money for taking staples out of paper though.
But I was a throw away among thoes who had jobs there.

Funny thing was that no one talked durring lunch break or the other breaks we had.
They didn't hardly talk inside while working either. Funny thing about jobs like that is that they tend to make mutes out of people.

I'm tired and I have another day just like this one sitting in front of me tomorrow. I get sunday off. Yay.

Adjustments

# 46348

Life it seems is, among other things, a series of adjustments.
Peice by peice. The events that disturb, disrupt, or other wise mess the works up just when you think that maybe you've got a good handle on things,

At least something things. Then change comes. It speaks of nothing being really permanent, or solid.
No one that we know will not at some point leave to go somewhere else.
That is the nature of the human species. In life and in death.

I have spent the last almost 4 years trying to get used to this place. The sounds outside. The traffic.
My neighbors. But people have a way of doing things that they need to because it's time, so sometimes people move.
They distrupt the comfort zone and open the door for possiblity.

You would think that by now, with everything in my life that has been so changable, that I would be used to the idea of things changing.
Iguess if you stay long enough in a place it becomes a safe and comforting place.
Roots have this way of growing if you stay in one place long enough.

It does that with people in our lives too. They stay long enough and you get attached to them.

I said all that to say this, I think one of my neighbors, one of the few freinds I have in this town is getting ready to move.
I would rather he stayed as my neighbor, because he's turned out to be a pretty good friend too.

The last time we talked he said that he was thinking about moving.
I understand the need to move. I get itchy feet every so often.
I get them for a variety of reasons too.
But I think in the human experience that exploration and going some place else is part of the way we are.

Along the way we gather the stories. The memories. The good and the bad things along the way. We take them with us when we leave a place behind.

I wonder if he will keep in touch? Or if like so many others I have known and become fond of, he will just vanish off somewhere, into kind of a no man's land.

My life, and the people in it, have been like that. Because I don't really think I'm that unique that other people feel like this too.
If nothing else, I hope he comes to talk to me before he leaves.
He knows where I am.

In the mean time, life is going forward. I will be taking a class on monday for dough making, their way.
This is something that puzzles me about food service. They want experience if possible in their workers, but they want them to learn how to do what they already know in a new way.
That has always made me scratch my head.

It's kind of an oximoron. I think if a company wants to mould an employee, they would want one with no experience so that there wouldn't be any past to interfear with them learning it according to the way of the company.

So anyway, I get to go learn how to make dough, and learn how to sheet pizza crusts, and every thing else I've already been doing for a month.
I'm thinking this could be interesting. I know I'm one of 6 people taking this class.

It's also on one of my days off. Thanks a bunch guys.

Well, I gotta jump in the shower and try to get some stuff done.

The winds of depression

# 46347

I was fine until about an hour ago. Then it hit, hard and fast.
I know the smell and feel of it, and I'm fighting it with everything I have.
Depression that is. Ugly bugger.

It's times like these that I wish there was someone here in this town that I could just sit down and talk to about stuff.
But there isn't.

It's a good thing that I can write about it, because at least it has somewhere to go, instead of being in my head.
There are so many things right now that need to get fixed and one of the problems is that I don't know any good mechanics that are trust worthy. It seems to be that if a woman needs a good mechanic she pays through the nose, simply because she's a woman.
If I could clone me and have the clone go and a degree in auto mechanics I would do that, and while I'm wanting to make clones, I think one who knows carpentry would be cool too.
And one to switch days at work with now and again.

But all I have is me. I don't make enough at this job to just go buy a car. I'm making enough just to take care of my end of the bills. It sucks big time. And I'm tired. Tired to the bone.
It's a good thing that pages like these are water proof, or the ink would be all smeared by now. I don't cry very often anymore, as it doesn't do anything but give me a crappy headache, and stuff of my head. But tonight, the tears are there.
They seem to be doing their own thing tonight.

It's one of thoes nights I'd love to get hammered, too bad I'm not much of a drinker. So I get to sit here with this crappy mood and just feel the thing.
I don't have a doctor, can't afford one, so I can't call him or her up and say, my emotions are going sideways can you please help me.

Now I've been through my share of garbage in my life. I've found myself on numerous occasions at the wrong end of a bad stick or two.
But for crying out loud, I'm tired! I'm bone tired. I don't know how to fix any of this stuff. I'm not even sure how to go about starting to get it fixed or where to start at all.

I am tired of rethinking things so I can see the possitives in the mess and use thoes things to pull myself up straight.
I'm just tired.

The death of a day

# 46340

The nice thing about having gone through so many things and survived is that when you go a little nuts it's chalked up to nerves or that twitch that got aquired after being subjected to so many earth quakes.

The point is that it affords a kind of weird freedom where no one thinks too much about it when they see it.
I came to the conclusion somewhere today that I have enough weird quirks about me due to different things I've seen and been through that I don't much fit into any kind of catagory.

Not that catagories mean a whole lot unless your sorting something or looking something up.
They are just ways to tag things to help you remember where you put them down the last time after you used them.

So what does this have to do with anything notable about the day? Pretty much nothing. Just random thoughts passing by.

This day has been like countless other days. I suppose that I could see each activity of this kind of day as some major achievement in an other wise low key life.
I'm long past looking at the nessities of certian activites such as laundry as a major accomplishment.
It's just something that has to be done a couple of times a week.
I go to the laundry matt and fill an availble washer with dirty clothes, put the soap in, pop in the quarters and then wait until the washing part is done.
Then I take the wet clothes and put them in a couple of dryers so I can get this done and go home.

I like it when there's no one at the laundry matt. I like the emptiness of it all. No one to move around, no circus of the laundrites doing the same thing as me.
There are tables and chairs in this place and when it's empty I tend to move from table to table. I guess that makes me a bit restless.

The sun is going down now, and I haven't done one memorable thing today. Not one. It's one of my two days off each week and they are both the same if I have enough energy, and the same even when I don't.
They are both filled with tedious tasks that keep needing to be done, over and over.

This morning I looked through the art boards where jobs, contests and the like are found.
I was scrolling down and found a couple that were calling for artists. So I took a look. It was a waste of my time. They both had age limits attached to them which put them out of my field.
One you couldn't be any older than 30 to enter. The other you couldn't be any older than 40, but it stated that all ages were welcome.
I'm thinking about writing them about the oximoron comment.

It felt weird looking at both of thoes. And a bit angry too.
I wanted to look at them and say the following thing:
"so after a certian age a person is no longer capable of creating art?"

It makes trying yet once again to find something that fits in the out there art world that much harder.
I both loath and admire the insanity of what it is.
It's a circus of people screaming to be seen, heard loud enough so they can carve their name in the known art world.
Hooray for them.

In the mean time there are thousands of people doing art who's work never gets seen, until now with the ablity to create a website, and wabamb! you got your very own gallery.
It's economical and you don't even have to get out of your jammies. You don't have to dress the part of artista to go and meet with some gallery owner that makes you think of nails running down a black board.
Ah don't you just love technology. Somedays yes. Somedays no.

I was thinking as I started this how this day started out with endless possiblities, and now with the sun setting it's just sort of dying in it's tracks.
If the moon is visable it will be a requiem moon for a day that just pasted into history.
History after a point has nothing but records of people who eventually died.
That's what happens when a day is done. It dies. It will never come again unless someone has a time machine and can go back and start today over.

I'll spend the rest of this evening either writing or trying to paint or reading.
Then I'll go to bed and wake up and go to work and wish I was home the whole time. Maybe that's what I'm really looking for in all this, home. Where everyday is a good day. Even when it's bad, it's still good because your home.

Contemplation

# 46339

It's Tuesday morning and I have the day off. All that really means is that I have a list that is waiting for my attention to be completed.
It's a bit slower paced, but it's still work. What I want to do is paint, play music and relax for the day.
But there are things like clean work clothes, and grocery shopping and putting gas in the truck so I don't have to leave early tomorrow morning.

There have been alot of days in the last month that I would have loved a clone to fill in for me.
The truth is that I really need some time away. I need to just be able to stop for a while.
Not have any pressing stuff to do, and the freedom to do spur of the moment activities.
Ah if wishes were horses, then beggers would ride. A lament of every single person who's life is stuck on overload 365 days a year.
I did get sunday off, and I took the day and did nothing. I had to, I was exausted from work, it's a lot like going to the gym and doing insane work outs for several hours with a few minuets break in there some where.

So it was more a matter of I needed to stop for a day. I still did some stuff, dishes and cooking, but other than that, well, I didn't get groceries or go and do laundry like I was planning to.

I get to do thoes lovely things today. And I'm tired tired. That never seems to get fixed, the tiredness. I think until something comes along, in the job arena that doesn't beat the crap out of me while I'm doing it, I'm going to be tired.
It's good and bad that my two days off are staggered like this.
There is a realtivly easy day between the two so it's like an inturption more than anything else.

I've taken to going into work with the idea that as soon as I get this done I can go home. That's helped alot. I know I really don't want to be there. But it's a job. And the bills don't take a vacation. Until they go on a long world cruse and not come back for a while, then I'll get to take a vacation.

I need to find something that will help my hands. They are stiff in the morning and it takes me a while to loosen them up.
So I will continue looking and reading until I find what I'm looking for.

One, two, three, shift and adjust

# 46336

So I've been working this currant job for just over a month now and have finally got some of the ducks back in order. This finally feels like maybe a bit of a breather from the way things have been for a while.

I will be all caught up after tomorrow as far as the bills go.
And a two hour laundry trip. Shopping for food. And then home for a few hours and then sleep and then a four day run at being a human pizza crust factory.

Does life get any more, (insert favorite word here) than this?

Geeze, I sound like a crazy commercial.

Seriously,life is going on. I'm working on some new art, although it's taking me a while to complete peices. I've noticed that besides the pain my hands are in because of the work I do, my focus is still kind of strange.

I'm tired. But I must be related to the energizer bunny who just keeps going. I'm gonna take his batteries away and hide them.
I know if everything was where it needed to be and I could really relax, I would sleep for a couple of days straight.
I would get up a few times, but then go back to sleep and sleep somemore.
I've been tired for so long now that some days I don't think my brain works quite right half the time.

I would love to take a vacation, but that isn't feasable in the near future that I can see.
So, I do the best with what I've got, which is the only thing I can do.


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