harold_maude's journal

A few random thoughts

# 46032

2012. Myan Calander. Carl Sagan. Socrates. Numerology.
Languages. Religion. No religion. Quzi religious. Dr. Emoto.

A list with questions attached. The first question is what do all of these things have to do with each other, or in common.

The list is bigger than this, but it's long enough to show a connection or common thread. These are all voices that have something to say. They tell us something. Important things.
They teach us as well.

2012 made it to main stream. It is now part of a growing number of people who are looking to the myan calander to figure out why it stops there.

the Myan calander. The most acurate calander in existance.
It has a following. People are listening to what the information is. And there is a debate as to what will happen when the calander stops.

Carl Sagan. A brilliant voice for the cosmos. I have a copy of the book "Cosmos". It's a wonderful book to read. And besides the pictures are amazing to look at.
He did a series called Cosmos on public television years ago.
I sat mesmerized by how he explained to us. It filled me with awe. Science class was never like this.
When he passed away, the world lost a precious voice of reason.

Socrates. The father of philosphy. He asked the questions and then answered them. His voice is still heard today. Like a great rock sitting in the middle of our civilization speaking truth. That we are dust. We are star dust. He understood what so many have sought after, gone to school over and argued about for a very long time.

Numerology the science of numbers. Yes I know that it is considered not science some, but as Leonardo Da Vinci showed in his work, that you must include all areas of learning to understand the whole.
Among other things he studied alchemey, which is also not reconized by main stream science, non the less it is a science.
Science and math are able to tell us only so much. They have come to the edge and are being shown threw quantum mechanics that there is more to what things are and how they work and the possiblities that they can get a better view with if they look at the whole metaphysical side of science.
One side is logic and the other side is reason, philosophy.
Without both, without the balance it spins out of control.

Logic science is the new religion. Just like the church used to be. For something to be acknowledged as right real and true it requires the seal of the curch of logical science. Not to be confused with Scientology.
That's an invention by Ron L. Hubbard, which from all my reading tells me it's not a good thing.

So numerology. The science of appling the nature of the planets in the solar system to numbers. There is vibrational numerology as well. That is based on the vibrations of the numbers in a magic square. A square that is made up of numbers.
In both the numbers are related to letters.

In the first one it's the reduction to a single number anywhere between 1 and 9.
In the second which uses a magic square of 144 as it's number, includes not only letters, but the musical scale, and colors, zodiac signs.

The theory of the second is that all numbers and letters and notes make an energy wave. And that energy wave follow the pattern that all energy follows, when it encounters something it can affect, effect and change what it encounters.

Languages. The way we communicate ideas, thoughts, beliefs, asperations. We are tied together by it, and hindered by it, and with it we can speak to the rest of the world.

The next three, religion, no religion and quazi religion are dynamic forces that shape societies at their core.

Religion is a belief system that a person practices.
No religion is a belief system that a person practices.
And the same with quazi religion.
All three have been talking for a very long time as well. The endurance through time is proof of the power attached to these three.

And finally, Dr. Emoto. One of my heros. He proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that what all the list has in common with each other and with us are found in the use of words.

Dr. Emoto showed us how powerful words are.

He gave the world the proof of why the above list endures.
Thoes words, all of them, put out by everyone who looks to them are still drawing people.

5 A.M on a sleepless friday morning

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# 46023

I don't talk about what I believe internally, and spiritually very often. With anyone.
I went through too many years of being told what and how to believe.
I spent many hours on my knees seeking and praying.

I was taken out of the traditional church to go on a sojourn about 10 years ago now.
I studied many things in that time.

I've tried many things since that time.

And tonight I heard a man named Red Elk speak. It scared me. to my bones.
There are so many people out there saying they have the truth.
That they know what is right, what is wrong.

The trouble is that not all can be right.
They all may have parts that are right, or better or the best thing...
But not all of them are 100% right.

That's part of what has me so messed up.

Let the screaming begin....

# 46022

I'm frustrated tonight with a whole lotta crap.
I finally break through into a clear space, and doing fine, getting the dust off me from the explosion that took place.

I started a free art school on a group. I haven't done any advertising so as to draw any attention to the fact that I started it to help people break out of the boxes they have been in for a long time.
It's going ok, then the walls hit, traditions of people who left school and never went back because some idiot teacher screwed the works up for them.
I don't tell my family, I don't tell my friends. I want to stay annoynmous in all of this. Right?
That was the plan.

Before that I get my store finished and am having serious second thoughts that this is the route I'm suppose to go, and true to form, nothing is happening.
So I go ok. That's what I thought but I'll see what happens.

Then my honey tells me last night that he's met this really cool person on second life and she is alot like me and he wants me to meet her.
She was on today, and I came over here....read the convo cuz he left it up and what I read told me she wasn't really interested in meeting me.
I tell her he says i should say hi. She says do you always do what he tells you. I say no. And it hits me she really isn't interested in meeting me.
I'm thinking this is stupid at this point.
I tell him that she isn't really interested and that I said hello for him.
Then he gets all weird and tells me he is going to take her off his friends list.
I tell him if he's doing it for me, don't.

This is an opportunity for him to see himself better.
To realize that he is prone to very intimate relationships on the net, and then they show up in my lap. And I ask him and he goes side ways.
It's happened several times.
I quit giving a shit about it. It's his problem.

I quit trying to tell him that he has a thing for it, because he doesn't really listen.
Then it ends up in my lap and gives him reason to believe I don't want him to have friends.
It's very messed up.

I joined second life for the second time and it just keeps messing up when I'm on there.....how many times do I have to keep doing shit before he gets it? And realizes that I do know what the fuck I'm talking about when I try to tell him that me doing second life is a bad idea?

Then my dearest and best friend tells me that I need to join this thing and it will help my business by helping others make a sucess of theirs....it will take me a couple of days to answer because for as long as I can remember I have done for other people, with no adjenda...in other words, I've been doing just that and what comes back is crap, and bulshit, and wounding, and a loss of a whole lot of everything.

deep sigh...and when people do nice things for me, I get slammed with crap too. So in order to keep from getting slammed so often, I have asked people to stop doing nice things for me. It had gotten to the place where I would cringe and duck when anyone would do or give me something...I knew what would come after. It has never failed to disapoint me.
I think the main theme is that somehow where I've stood for a very long time is in some kind of crap shoot.

no wonder I have often thought it would be a good idea for me to simply disapear into nothingness.

Deep sigh...again. monday morning I will start slamming applications again. I don't know what else to do at this point, I'm frustrated beyond words.

The unreality of reality

# 46012

I'm watching Armageddon. It just got past the very first part where the meteors hit New York. For some reason film makers just love blowing up New York.

Does it ever seem like reality is as unreal as a movie? It does to me. I probably should find a way to express this in a creative fashion, at least it would help with the overwhelmingly helplessness that I have been feeling for way too long now.
I want my life back. I'm sure it won't be the same as what it's been up until about a month and half ago, but I want to look forward to the day what ever it holds.
I want to be happy in being able to do anything once again.
I want that more than anything right now.

I've never been high matianence in any way at all. At least in the material sense. I think I must be high matianence right now on the emotional level.
I want to hide behind some huge bodygard and stay there till I'm ok again.

But that isn't going to happen. It's funny, this is the one place where I'm really ok with dumping my stuff on to. It's safe. If it wasn't I wouldn't be writing any of this.

The world feels upside down to me right now. I look out the window and the sky is going evening blue out there. It's starting to get cool in the evenings, another summer is about done.
The trees are still green but soon they will change color.

That's the planet. In the news however it's a much different story. It's full of ugliness and hopelessness and a march of a possible future that has no life to it.
I heard an interview with Hunter S. Thompson talking about Bush and politics and he made some obversations that are undeyable.
I think he got so tired of knowing what was going on and knowing how people are in this world today, that he just had had enough, and checked out early.

So many people have died this year. Lots of famous people have died. Voices that the world will miss in what they had to say.

I've been looking for hope. Looking for it anywhere. Without hope what is the point of anything?
without hope there is no point.

All I need to do is find one nugget of hope. I'd love to wake up tomorrow and find out that all the stupid things that are hurting people were being brought to a halt. And the world was going to work to getting along with each other. And get busy working on getting some of this mess changed.

That would be something wonderful to wake up to. I can wish can't I?

To find some sense somewhere

# 45997

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. I have been wrestling with anger at way too many things.
And on top of it I have learned more about the one world goverment that is hot pursuit of humanity.

And I gotta be honest here, nothing makes any sense anymore.
not that it has for a while now, but now it all makes even less sense of any kind.

It's all comming out now, the history, the plan, the adgenda, everything. It's everywhere. And I find myself looking at it and wondering what the deal is with wanting to control the world.
I'm finding that I want off the planet period.

I find myself enving thoes who are dying now. They don't have to deal with any of this stuff anymore. The madness of humans in full display, humans killing humans.
We don't eat them so what's the point?
If we were a canablistic species then humans killing humans might make some sense.
As gross as the idea is, at least the senseless genosides that keep increasing would make sense.

In all of this I have found myself wanting to become an indistructable transformer and go on a seek and distroy mission for the sake of humanity.
I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who has felt like this.
I won't be the last.
I just know today, I want off the planet. I want a rocket ship and I'll take thoes who will come with and we will get off this rock. But I don't have a space ship, and as far as I can tell I got a while to wait before I get to leave, so in the mean time I will try to be happy, even if it's only a game that I am playing so I can keep going from day to day.

And now comes the part

# 45974

I'm sure that most people have heard this phrase: "If there was one thing you could change in your past, what would it be?"

I've always marvled at the idea that any person after a certian point in time would only have one thing in their whole life history that they would want to change. How can anyone have just one?

I have sheets and sheets of things, events, thoughts, words, choices, opinions of things that I would love to go back and change it. Just because of how they made me feel back when ever and when they come to mind, I still feel the same way.

I can't change the past. No matter how much I want to. Even if I could go back in time, the reality of this existance would just split off and become it's own reality. Nothing is lost. At least that's one theory floating around out there.

String theory. That's what it says, if I understand it right.

I tried to find a line from any place in my life to the orginal moment that everything began to go this way or that way, and there are somethings, events in my life that stand out, because they changed something about me.
I don't know how many of thoes I've had in my life, but there are certian ones that stand out stronger than others.

How I understand what art today started with an ephany that changed everything. It opened my eyes and started me on a journey into the world of art that I never found in any class room.
Or book, or video anywhere.
This is what I know about art today:

art is not just something a person does or is.

While these things are true, there is much more to what art is and what art does than just thoes two things.

art is a way of seeing because you are seeing with your own creative filters.

art is the primal language common to all humans.

art is a dance between you and your materials of choice.

It's the music you hear in your soul and see in your mind and feel in your spirit that drives you to create.

If it's not, then all your doing is being a really great technition. It may be wonderful beautiful art, but if you keep yourself in the observer position instead of a particpant position while your doing art, then what part of it do you leave as the story teller? The memory stiring immage? The lone voice talking about the passions of their heart, wispering it through the layers of color so that only you hear it?

Art is ment to be a living history of us, the human race. Everything you see around you had to go through the process of being an idea, gathering materials, and creating. Art's hand prints, all over the place. There are written and pictorial histories of fashion, ideals, living styles, everything that is documentable about human experience.

With out art, none of them would exist.

....I just noticed something. I started out in one direction and ended up here. I'm smiling.

My thoughts seem so interwoven lately. Like tangled roots on a tree. I keep seeing part of this really big picture, and I want to see the whole thing.
It's just like wanting to see a planet you've only seen in magazines. Pictures are awesome, but seeing it with your own eyes, now that's an experience that is first person.
You get to say what it's like to view that planet. Because now you have an idea of the emotions attached to it.

Now it becomes part of a mental reference library complete with a new entry in our, what did Terrance call it? our culterally sanctioned dictionary..yeah, he was the one I heard it from.

Terrance Mckenna, one of the greatest minds of our time.
He died a couple of years back. It was a huge loss for humanity.

Back to my orignal thought...I can't change the past, I'm who I am today because of the past. All I can do is make the choice to be the best I can today. In what ever I do. That's all.

I don't like that my past is comming up in my thoughts on a regular basis here lately. I know I have to deal with some things. So fine. I'll deal with them.

I would rather go forward. Don't hit so many trees along the way that way.

I wish I could see to the end of the block.
Past the trees and mail boxes, cars, and other obstructions.
At the end of the block, so I'm told, is a new beginning.
A walk right of the edge straight into something new.
That's why I want to go there.
But it's scary too.
To just walk right off the edge like that?
They never tell you how far you have to fall?

I wish I could see to the end of the block.
See the end of the world clear and in vivid color.
To touch the edge with my finger tips and feel it for my own.
If only the trees would move across the street for a little while.
I could really take a look, before I decide to go there.

I wish I could see to the end of the block
the one that's inside of me
the one hidden behind all the trees planted by wishes and dreams.
I'm on my way there and someday I'll get there
to the end of the block.
I won't have to wonder then, what's at the end of the block.

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