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I'm getting pissed off. It takes alot to piss me off, really it does.
And I am getting there, fast.
Here is the latest fun thing that I need to fix. I started working on getting a site up on Etsy, so that I could sell my art and hopefully make some money. It's under construction, but I have an account and it part way finished.
All the stuff you gotta fill in for an on line store has been part of the delay, it's been a real pain in the ass.
Anyway, a friend asks for the link to my store. I decide to try it, and it says that my store doesn't exist! IT just sort of feels like one more bit of bulshit to the huge pile that I have had to wade through every time I turn around. And it's really starting to piss me off.
This whole mess with an old medical debt and getting sued over it almost 6 years later, I really thought when the hospital sued me all of it was included in that.
I found out that no, it wasn't.
And this last job with all it's bulshit and needing to quit because working there exposed me to somthing that made me so sick that I really felt the need to go to the hospital, but couldn't stay up right long enough to do that. I survived it, but I still don't feel quite right, not quite 100%.
I really felt that this store was going to be the turning point into better things...and now, it doesn't exist!?!?!?!
All the shit from people who have walked into my life in this town and taken and taken and taken and then just walked away, leaving me holding the check so to speak.
I am really getting pissed off...really, really pissed off.
I am so tired of everything in life being such a pain in the ass and having to go through more crap to get it fixed. What is up with all of this? GRRRRRRRR.....
I DO EXIST!!!!! And I am NOT, I repeat NOT A DOOR MATT!!!!!
To help myself maintain a resonable sense of balance in the mist of what is going on in my life, I spent time wandering around the Van Gogh gallery that is on line.
I read the biography, looked at the letters and read some and his health. He is one of my favorite artists. His works over the years have influenced my own studies and work.
His art was genius, but for that genius he suffered greatly.
Art in it's most extreem borders on the edge of great madness.
His art and his drive and the madness he suffered under made it hard for anyone to live with him.
I have since I began to study his work, realized that it's that way for most dedicated artists. To make living work one inevidably will be hard to live with.
It takes over every other consideration, and at times becomes an immpossible achievement.
There have been so many times that I have looked at my work and could see nothing but useless efforts to the task of creating a work and wanted to burn everything I had put my hand to.
Reading about Van Gogh tells me I am not alone.
There have been many times that I was sure I had lost my mind completely, and in that place felt blind and helpless.
The effects of the storm that have come have taken their toll as well.
I know that I am in need of trying to fix damage done.
I appoligize if none of this makes sense to any reader of this, it makes sense to me, and in this place that is my primary concern.
It's a strange thing to wake up the morning after some really crappy news has show up.
My eyes are still red and swollen from the reaction I had to all of this last night.
Makes me wonder what else is headed my way.
I got to a place last night where I just went really quiet. Too exausted to feel much anymore.
I felt completely numb.
This morning the sky is grey, and it looks like it's going to storm again. Maybe there will be a tornado today. That would be something to get close to and watch it eat stuff.
That going through a house and it eating everything would be something horrible to watch, but maybe a once in a life time deal.
Anyway, it's sunday and I'm still breathing so things must still not be done.
I know somewhere along the line I'll bounce back because that's what a person has to do in order to survive. Be strong. Be resilliant. Be what ever. I'm thinking today I probably need to do something completely different so that I can at least try to have a reasonably good day.
Well, it happened again, good gifts found their way to my door step only to followed by another asteroid hitting.
This one threatens to wipe me out financially over a doctors bill associated with a surgery I had almost 7 years ago to fix something a doctor in another state said he fix and we got charged 900 buck for a peice of mesh that measures about 5 by 6 inches.
It is now past the statutes of limitations to do anything about the first surgery which has long since been paid for.
In truth I should never have had to have the second surgery which when I had it was at the point of being life threatening.
I was under the impression that when the fist lawsuit came at me it included everything, but not so, the doctor who did the second surgery waited till now almost 7 years later to come after me.
I have help with this comming, but I am seriously thinking about leaving this state. Even though I love it here, I'm tired of getting beat up every time I turn around.
By the way, I tried to work with the people at the hospital after the second surgery, and they refused to accept what I could afford to send.
So did the credit people. They said it wasn't good enough.
I had nothing. I have a roof over my head for now,for today.
Tomorrow they may show up and take it all.
I don't know. But I do know that every time someone does something kind or wonderful for me I get nailed to the wall...it makes me a bit scared to accept any gift from anyone.
If this is karma for some horrendous horrible act somewhere in my past then I deserve it, but if it's not then why does it keep happening again and again.
It started with the accident I had 3 octobers ago. The accident wasn't my fault, yet my insurance got raised and I had to live with a bent truck.
I could have taken them to court, both the girl who was driving and the guy who owned the vehchile, but I let it go.
Then there was the roommate from hell who put me through all that crap and everyone else in the house sided with him, and we had to leave didn't get our deposit back or anything else for that matter.
I let that one go too.
When the people who remined behind found out I was telling the truth only one came to appoligize.
The other appoligies only showed up at the funreal memorial for one of the other members of the house who died earlier this year.
The roommate from hell died by the way, last year.
If the other guy who died in feburary of this year was still alive, I would still be waiting for an appology.
I never once did anything to get satisfaction from anyone of them. I let it all go, including that cute little trip to the psych ward that should never have happened.
Then there is the guy who broke my washer and split town.
I never did anything to find him and make him be responsible...
I just let it all go.
Maybe I should become the avenging bitch with a big club to deal with this stuff when it hits...I have always believed that if you do your best, try to be responsible everything would work out.
If I was a nasty human being I would have gone after that girl, I would have gone after the doctor who did the inital surgery, I would have gone after all the men in this town who have burned me in one way or another...and beat the hell out of them.
But...I'm not a nasty bitch, nor do I want to live with that.
Knowing how things go I would probably get hit twice as often as I do now and twice as hard, keeping me alive just so I can go through it all over again.
Sometimes I wonder if someone out there hates me and just loves watching me get nailed to the wall.
I don't know.
I really don't know.
I finally got excited last night. My brain went into brain storm mode and by 10:30 last night, in my head I could see what I was in need of. A staff of train artisams who are working with me, in my business, creating parts to a larger whole and then selling thoes things, and thoes things are made well, and are beautiful. It had grown that large in my head in just a few hours.
I know the reality that exists as we have always accepted it, that businesses have this time frame in which to fly or die.
There are the bones of many, many businesses that lay along the road to having a sucessful business.
The people who suceed and are established as long as they keep doing what they have been doing. You have to love what you do.
And the longer you do it, the more established you become as a master of that business.
I needed that brain storm flood last night. It was so big, so real, so yes, that's what I want.
It gave me the energy to keep going.
I realized this last week that somewhere in trying to survive, I had forgotten what the mandate to me was that drove me to stay here in this town almost 7 years ago now.
Time has opened a vast world of experiences over the past 7 years that had I gone anywhere else, or chose to west instead of east, none of the experiences I have had would have happened.
There were was a mandate to make my living from my art.
It was clear. It was what I needed to do. I tried, and because I was in most need of learning how to survive like I had dreamed about for so many years, the amount of money I made
was in direct perportion to how little it would take to survive.
Over the last 7 years I have held several jobs, all of them were wonderful teachers, even the ones that sucked big time.
They taught me different skills. I was at different places for different amounts of time.
I knew the last job was comming. I had no idea when or where or what it would be, but I knew it was comming.
I've learned things about myself that I didn't know, and that is the ultimate goal for all of us, to be opened enough to be willing to try things at least once in life.
It's like the food thing when I was little. That's another story, and I don't want to get too far away from where I'm going with all of this.
I knew last weekend that this was it. The time had finally come to get back to what I was supposed to do in the first place.
Make my living from my art. No excuses anymore, no looking at a job that I take as an excuse to not do.
That job becomes a spring board to an almost welfare mentality, where alot of people live.
Wealfare mentality in this respect, that like welfare, the regular job that people have, it's been called the "day job",
puts them into a rountine that not only takes parts of their life, in some cases alot of their life, and makes them believe that first, it's ok, and secondly that they can, until they retire, have security, stablity, something they can count on.
Let me tell you all something you need to remember, There is no job in this land of opportunity, that is ever gaurenteed in any way at all.
If you live your life under the umbrella of this is my job and I have this accomplishment in this field..you will find your self in the stormy seas of a very unstable ecconomic society.
You have to live each day as a drive to your goal. Forgetting what problems and oh the good times of the last job or this job over here that was what ever, with the boss you either hated or loved and live each day here and now. What are you doing today.
Nastalga is fine. It keeps us grounded to our traditions, our history, our place amongst the throngs of life that exist in the same space as we do.
But far too many people live back there somewhere for most of their lives, that they miss where they are suppose to be going to.
We are a funny species that way.
We build tomorrow on yesterdays that arn't there anymore.
They are history. A memory. A recolection of hours filled with, you fill in the blank.
We have to sell our selves every day to keep that job. In some fields we have to sell ourselves by just showing up consistantly. Not much expectation there.
What a statement that is about our economic society as it exists now.
In order to take that to the proper place of perspective you have to apply that attitude to what it is that you dream of doing with your life...
I guess that's what this is really about, living a life I can actually love and be joyous about every single day.
The over the top that was last night is still going on today.
I'm full of enenrgy, I'm starting to feel the rise of excitement and anticipation at stepping back onto the path I started on.
So many ideas, big ideas, and I know they are happening right now as I write this.
The engines are starting up. I can feel the momentum of this gathering power.
We are a go....:)
For the last week I have been trying to get enough of what ever it is that I used to have, drive, focused thought, art, no self questioning, to get a store up on Etsy...that place that is alot like ebay, but without the tons of fees.
And it's been like walking through drying mud for me.
Not really sure why.
I am lost in a sea of way too many things I think. I'm behind on everything I have been trying to catch up on, and behind on everything I wanted to be doing by now.
Some moments feel like I'm lost again in the valley of the jolly green giant. That was what the months before and after my father died was like. Life was this monsterously huge pile of tangled overload. How does one go about detangling life when it looks like that?
A bit of good news, it finally cooled down the last two nights, enough to get some decient sleep minus the nightmears which promptly stopped when I quit my last job.
Sleep is important to a clear head. Now I just need the drive and ambition of the energizer bunny and the confidence of a thouand energizer bunnies to break out of this place and just do.