harold_maude's journal

The job part what ever...

# 45877

I have been at this job for 9 days. Exactly. Of thoes nine days the best 4 I had were last week.
I've had nightmears since I got this job. I could only remember bits of the nightmears of one, the rest I have just felt the residue of in the morning.
I started looking in the want adds again. I will find something else. I am if nothing else, persistant when it comes to fixing a problem.

Back to the 9 days. The remaining 5 days have been all up hill to exaustion.
That includes today.

I sticking with this job until I find a sutible replacement for it then I will give my 2 weeks notice because I choose to.
It's not required in the rules of this job that you have to give two weeks notice, but I don't believe in leaving a gap in a place that messes everyone else up.

I know that production requires speed and accuracy, I know that's the standard.
I have done production before. I'm good at it. It's not something I want to do as a life time deal, but from time to time doing production is not bad.

I know that I was not ready physically or mentally ready to go back to work. But I knew that if I didn't the bills would show up and me with no money.
I am in no shape mentally at this point to be focused enough to get a buisness off the ground fast enough to just rely on in just a couple of weeks.
I've been struggling for months to figure out how I want to do this. Since I'm doing it on my own, there are alot of ducks to get into some kind of reasonable order.
I have finished one task so far of the many that I have to take care of.

Then there are the business law aspects of opening a buiness and insurance needs, and being able to work a job outside of the business I'm tring to get off the ground, until I'm making as much money consistantly every month to bring in as much as I do from the first job.

In the seven years it has been since I left the town where I lived most of my life, I really haven't had a day off.
Or a vacation.

What a day off means to me, is a day where nothing is required of you in any arena.
A vacation is a certian number of days where you have no responsiblities what so ever.
Your covered and you can actually have some fun.

I haven't had either of thoes since I left.
I'm burned out.

Old songs

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# 45875

A long time ago, when people were still lost in amazment at what was possible throuh the modern science, they never dreamed of today.

If they had, I think at that time they would have collectivly decited to abandon much of what they were doing.

I think about how screwed up things are now. And how strange and violent the weather has become. How words are scattered along the path that do things to the human phsyche.

The recient thing with the tomatoes and samonilla. When I first heard this, it instantly made no sense. Samonilla is a bacteria found in the intestine of animals. That's why when you kill an animal you wanna make sure that it's not a gut shot.
If it is, you can't eat the meat.

So, how do tomatoes get samonilla? Well, there has been specuation about it being from cow manure and contaminated water.
That doesn't hold water either. Farmers have been using cow and animal manure for years to grow crops in. It's mixed with existing soil and it's been ok for years and years.

So what is going on here?

I have my own theories about it. But what this all reminds me of is what happened when they broadcast the war of the worlds for the first time.
It sent people into a panic.

Just like now, with this. A while back it was spinich. I never remember anyone announcing that it was ok again to eat spinich.

This whole thing is just a different verse of a very old song that has been sung down through history by many leaders to many peoples.
In one form or another, the song of fear has been sung.
And the people for a very long time listened and believed it.
Until someone, somewhere said enough.

And change began. Revolution began.
And change just kept comming. Painful experiences, determination to fight for freedom. To be free. That's what it ends up being about.
Whether it's a personal revolution or a whole nation or world for that matter, it comes. And it will keep happening as long as humans insist on trying to rule over each other. By what ever means possible.

I heard a line in a movie about us humans being capable of such wonderful things and such terrible nightmears. And that is a truth that exists.
We are.

I was writing the other night about my perfect world. I realized as I wrote that my perfect world couldn't exist in this day and age. It would take too much distruction on the existing systems of goverment and economy where by changing everything.
And one thing I've seen as a result of the existing system of how the world exists, is that once exposed to something that is an addiction in any form, a person will fight to their own distruction to keep the addiction in favor of freedom.

I would love to see bartering take the place of money. All the way down the line. Get rid of all money. All of it. Every currancy everywhere. Let people make a living by trading with others.
People could finally do what they are good at and enjoy it and eat well too.
Bordom wouldn't exist. We would be more free than we are now.
If money didn't exist on the planet, people who work until they drop wouldn't have to anymore.

That's just one thing that my perfect world would hold. People wouldn't be so busy trying to rule over other people all the time. They would be about something really usefull and really productive.
And things would matter. We wouldn't be so removed from knowing how to survive well when disaster strikes. We wouldn't be so greedy or so driven or so anxious or so angry at so much.
We would actually matter to each other.
Sadly, I don't think my perfect world is possible. Maybe in diminishing pockets that will finally disapear when madness has consumed mankind.

Gifts and such

# 45867

I love giving gifts. It's a fun thing to do, mostly because people don't expect it. What they do with the gift is up to them. I don't care.

I got a text just a little bit ago from the place I used to work about a sculpture that I had made and gave to the manager's daughter. The manager just left it there. She never came and picked it up.
They called and asked if I wanted it back. She didn't want it so I told them to toss it.
It brings home something I have seen time and time again with gifts that people get, not just mine. Gifts often end up being something a person really doesn't want.

I knew the daughter would like it since she is a very creative child. But the mom didn't want it. So it ends up part of some land fill.
The person who did the texting was someone that I was sure I would never hear from again. I'm not surprised that he was the one texting, he ended up being a bastard in so many ways.

So this was a lesson for a moment and the next time I choose to give a gift it will be done a bit more cautiously, not driven by generousity alone.

A side trip

# 45863

For the past couple of weeks now I have been doing some research into several things.

A side trip if you will. It's been informative, eye opening and a bit frustrating at times. Especially when I realize that I can't think of how I want to word something so it comes out right.

I spent time on a gem site reading about different kinds of gem stones. Amazing stuff. I saw many beautiful immages on this site as well. Colors so deep and rich that they looked like whole worlds just waiting to be explored.
I was gonna say the color looked good enough to eat, but that sounded so orindary, and nothing about my life in all it's mundaness is ordinary in the least way.

I've spent time looking at patterns from the past and looking at how the garments all seem so focused, so ordered, and so restrictive in some peices I looked at.
I found there arn't alot of patterns for men, but the one's from the past are elegant and beautiful. Works of art that have endured change and time and are still here.
Amazing. How many people of the last twenty years do you know of that have created things that will endure so long?
The closer we get to the present, the more disheaval takes center stage in our history.
But that is the way of creation. To disrupt, to tear apart, to distroy the currant system so that something else can take it's place.

A continuing cycle of life. OR it might be said that it is an upward spiral of change. Always moving to something that will make us more in tune.

I've also been working. The job that I have been training for is putting my body through a rigiorous training program.
It's no longer arobics attached to the job.
It's muscle building time.

I got yesterday off. It was nice to work tord a three day weekend. I needed three days to rest from last week. I know I will get used to it. In the mean time however, my body hurts!
I have to get new shoes. These that I have been wearing for almost three years are tired now.
Broken, and worn well. They are ready for retirement.

I'm sure that will help my feet and legs out tremendously.
I'm thinking I need to start doing push ups to build my upper body strength. I don't know how this sounds, probably terrible, but if I could find something like a wheel chair, the kind you have to use your arms to push yourself forward in, I could start training my upper body.

I thought about getting a rowing machine as well. But space here in this house is so limited and being an artist has it's definate draw backs when it comes to having an abundance of materal to work with. Art has been my life long love affair.
It's also been my sanctuary, my hiding place, and my private and very lonely world.

So anyway, I'm working on body strength now. That's a good thing. I like the idea of being strong. I like the idea of being someone who gets things done without complaining about doing it. I like facing the work and attacking it, and winning
at the end of the day. It feels good.

This job, without help in some fashion, could become the most boring job in the world, very fast.
8 hours a day of doing the same thing over and over can become tedious.
The lessons from a previous job that entailed doing the same thing over and over are helping now.
In order to be efficant at my job and continue to keep going back everyday, I have set goals for myself with in the frame work of this job. I look at this job as physical training. And the nice thing about that is that it is not taxing my emotions like the last job I had did.

It has also begun to stir my creativity in a way that will help.
So for a while I guess I will be at this job.

Life has been busy. I am greatful that it has because if I had to live my life looking at possiblities of what is comming tord all of us, I think I would go mad.
I heard a comment on a radio show the night before last. And I completely agree with what was said.
The comment was that when this guest had spoken with people from other countries about what they didn't like about americans, the general concensess was that we americans really needed to grow up.
I completely agree.

The education system was brought up. America ranks about 15th on the education list. Finland is number one. The kids go to school to learn. That's what school is for. But here, it's all about fashion, and electronic toys and things that entertain.
Here in this country, it has become a power struggle between learning and entertaining.
The guest went on to talk about children comming out of the school system here unable to survive in the real world.
I completely agree.

It would seem that the gamming industry and the entertainment industry are now the primary teachers of the children of america.

There is hope to this that I have heard and seen. There are children who are amazing in spite of what the education system is working very hard at producing in the youth of america.
These children are brilliant. They are the leaders of our future.
I'm greatful that they have come into the world.

It would seem that summer has arrived. The first few weeks of this have been hard. The heat makes the hot flashes worse. I feel like my blood is boiling inside my body sometimes. I keep a bag of ice in the freezer, so that when it gets really bad and I feel like I'm going to pass out, I can just grab some ice and rub my skin down with it. It melts fast. I put it on my pulse points on my wrists and neck so that it will cool my blood down. It's something my mom taught me. She was a nurse a long time ago.
Medicine was different then.

I got to see my mom's graduation picture from nursing school. I also have seen the picture of the graduating class. 1935.
She was beautiful. No wonder my father fell in love with her.
But he was in love with someone else that my mother was never able to distroy in his eyes.

Anyway, I took a side trip and I guess it's still going on.
So I'll be here from time to time, still writing in my cave.

Misery in large groups

# 45847

I just started a new job, and I am uncertian about how long I will be there.
I've tried being nice, but as with many places it feels as cold as it can get, people wise.

If today was the measuring stick, I would find another job asap.
Maybe it's just not the place where I need to be, maybe it's that I'm just burned out completely and things should change with me. Don't know. But what I do know is that the places I like best in this company is when I'm not around most of the people who work there.

That's the news.

Focused intent

# 45845

Can't seem to do anything quite straight or right these days. Everything feels medocre and dull. I'm struggling to find my way through this. Rediscover a passion or something...a spark maybe?
Would be nice.

I started the next job today. The next appointed time of what ever and why ever it is that I'm there. I believe in my bones that every place that I have ever worked at, wether for a massive corporation or a lone business man with a handful of employees, there has been purpose there.

I've yet to see something just open up to me just because I'm what ever...it doesn't work that way, I don't ever just get something, there is purpose in everything.

So, we will see why I am here, and for how long as well.

It's a good thing that I can still remember that. Somedays it slips out of mind and it's then that I feel the most lost.

Somewhere there is an energy source strong enough to re-charge me. I don't know what and I don't know where. But it's out there somewhere.

It's another one of thoes rocky evenings...I need to have a good long cry and just release some of this. I ain't strong enough to hold it up any more by myself.

The last three weeks have been full. I've put in longer hours and on top of that getting not much sleep, I had to put something into motion fast so that I can still keep the roof over my head.
So there I am, filling out app's, trying to get things ready to sell, and trying to catch up on some major house cleaning.

I found out that I got the job yesterday. I wish I had known on friday so that I could have actually relaxed some before
I had planned to just rest for a week and then start looking for work while I tried to sell some of my art.
But I'm not so good at just resting. I rather suck at it to be honest.
Relaxing is difficult for me. I feel the need to create and do all the time. To be busy about something that will produce something wonderful somewhere...

I get impaitent with myself alot anymore.

The first week after I left the last job I spent the better part of that week on my back most of the time because I was too exausted to move. When I could, I did stuff very slow.
I had been looking at jobs for a month already, so when I would look at my email things were already comming in.

But it wasn't until the leave date was set that I could actually give anyone a specific date of availablity.

Trying to make stuff durring the last two weeks has felt numb.
Life less and complete crap.

I have to believe that if this is the place, then the strength I need to be on while I am there, will be there.
I do take stress tabs by the way, just incase someone thought vitamins would help.

There was a time not so long ago, just a couple of years in fact that a passion to help the homeless got stronger than it had ever been.
I wanted to start a recycling center. Focus mostly on clothes.
Pay some homeless people really well to dissasemble the stuff and then use the material to make moblie carpet for tents, wall carpets for tents as well. Things that would help to retain more heat on cold nights.

I wanted to find someone who could help me make this dream come true.

Then that dream grew, and became owning a peice of land where people just like me could come and find a safe place to figure things out. A place to rest and think. I wanted to make a barter deal with the people who would want to stay there for a while, they would have to work on the place to get a safe place to stay and food to eat, shower and laundry facilities.
some kind of written agreement so that people would have less thought of abusing it.

Then that grew into more, having green houses and making them raised bed gardens, and inviting people who could not do so other wise to come and learn and help and at harvest, take home some really good food.

Then that grew into something bigger, A place that made room for people to come and make things they are good at, and have a store near the road that would sell the stuff that the people who lived on the land made.
Maybe some traditional art or craft might not be lost that way.

And finally that grew into this, and this would take a lot of land, on the land building a school dedicated to people teaching other people about things they know, old arts that are all but forgotten, like that lady in France did, several years ago now. She revived the art of making lace and was in the end honored by her country for doing it.

My dreams are big. So big. And I have no way that I know of to make these things happen. They would help so many people...

I want to see thoes things happen, and to be honest, I don't care if someone else does them, I just want to see them happen.
I just know alot of lives would be changed.

Anyway, I'm here...

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