harold_maude's journal

To or not to

# 45839

I'm fumbling through stuff again. This latest sorting process has to do with making jewerly of all things.
About 2 weeks ago I got an idea, to make goth type jewerly and see if I could sell it.
I started searching and there are some aspects to the goth arena that I have an afinity for but other parts of that don't interest me at all.

This isn't my first introduction to the world of goth, that happened a few years back. My research into the history of goth and what exactly goth is took me back to the beatnicks of the 1950' and the coffee house bohemian life style addopted by a generation of artist individuals that were outside the norms of society.
Goth showed up somewhere out of that and durring the first generation of goth it was it's own voice, own choices and the collective of goth chose the black of the beatnicks as their statement in clothes choices to show the world who they were, just like the hippies of the 1960's did.

In my search I began to see that what exists today is a huge culture underground. What was once a burgoning social statement has become little more than a diverse large society with everything from the darkest of our nature symbolized in fashion, to the ideals that existed in the first place.

And there are as many different styles to goth as there are main stream.
I've come to think that anyone can wear something black and say they are goth.

It's all theatreical in manner and dress now. I don't see any type of social change venu with what it's become.

I don't know if what I am observing is right or not, but it's how it strikes me.

I thought about making jewerly with lots of metal and safty pins but then I thought when ever I have tried to do something trendy like goth is, it fails and sucks sencerely. When I just let go and play and do, then it works out fine.

So I don't know if I'm doing goth jewerly now or just off in lala land jewerly, but I'm going to have a good time doing it.
That's the conclusion I have come to.

There be bears in my dreams

# 45824

For several nights in a row I have been having dreams with bears in them. The bears are like wise old friends who have come to discuss stuff with me.
I can't ever remember what they say and wish I could. I'm never scared by the bears in my dreams.

I've looked up the meaning of bears in dreams and none of them cover this kind of bear dream. I know for a long time that I have really wanted to find a wise old sage to talk to about things and get a different perspective than the one(s) I've got.
Hopefull the next time I'll be able to remember the conversation that takes place.

Thursday morning

# 45811

It's Thursday morning and I feel really good this morning. I still feel the uncertianty about what I'm doing, or even what is going to happen, but there are no gaurentees when you wake up in the morning, no promises of anything, just a day ahead full of possiblities.

My emotional state is in good place this morning. This last storm has pasted. I am greatful that I feel this good. I love the good days. I have lots of energy this morning.
Last night I started writing down everything I accomplished durring the day, and that helps as well because it off-sets the feeling that I'm being lazy.

I have a lot of work ahead of me this morning so I'm going to jet, but I needed to come here and put something good down, and for me, writing about feeling good is a good thing, it's worth writing about.

Stormy day

# 45809

This morning I was planning on taking the bus down town and getting several things done, errands. But it's pretty stormy out there, so after spending the last two hours pouring over want adds, and filling out forms and all that, I came here.
My cave. That's what this place is for me now.
A safe cave where I can put the things I want to put in a safe place.

The raging storm that had been going on for several days inside me has started to subside a bit. I've been thinking that writing some detailed thing about all of what it's like may be a good idea in that maybe it would help someone who is going through it but hasn't done the research and feels like they are loosing their mind.
It can feel that way. I'm greatful that there is now information out there so that when a woman starts going through this and everything just seems to be falling apart inside, the information helps. It really does. It has let me know that it's not me loosing my mind, or becomming a monster of some kind, or anything like that.

I have worked to change how I see all of this. And in that process my understanding of what riding the storm out has taken on a very deep and very solid foundation.
I have faced much from other people. I had to learn not to take their words on or accept them. They arn't standing in my shoes. They are just passing through, and the cruelty of those things are just their limited view of me.
Big deal. Thoes people have had no clue, nor did they want any understanding. If they had, the things that they have said and how they judged who I am would never have happened.
Besides I have no need of being beaten up by people who don't know me so well, so why would I accept their view as the truth anyway?

The storms associated with menapause are about the chemistry of my body. No one else involved here, just me and my body going through. I can't avoid it, side step it, or delay it to some later date.
It's here, now. I know that when this is done, I will be stronger than I have ever been in my life. I'm being shaped by this into something more than I have ever been in my life.
That's what I know inside. In the mean time, this place has been the one safe place to put the overload that this does cause.
And everyone needs a place to put their hard things. And the other reason that I have been putting all of these things here is because for some reason it's helped me from falling into the cracks as it were. It's been a safty valve of sorts.
I've taken to changing who can read it, simply because it does get pretty rough, (you should see it from my end)
and that can be very scary to read.

But this is my cave, and with all caves and sancturaries there are things that get put there that arn't pretty or pleasant or even of a kind nature at times. I am greatful for this place.
It really has helped with the journey I'm on. And who knows maybe somewhere a book is just waiting to be written.
Would that make me a vulture of my own suffering?
I don't know the answer to that one.

The storms this spring have been very violent. Full of thunder, lightening and lots and lots of rain and wind. It's a great visual to all of this. It feels that way inside when the dark of this journey hits me broadside.
But I'm learning to be like a reed and bend so that I truly do not break.
I think that's the real secret to riding things out, whatever they may be. Be like a reed with deep roots and any storm is survivable.
I know that there are worse things that could be happening right now, and so I am greatful that they are not as bad as they could get.
This time will pass. And all the wisdom of this journey will be part of my life experience. I'll be able to comfort those who need comfort.
That's a benefit of going through any difficult passage of life, the ablity to comfort others, help make their way not so scary, not so alone.
And that is a strip of blue on the horizon. I've got my sights fixed on that strip of blue, even when it seemly disapears and gets swallowed up by black storm clouds.

If I were a pirate what my name would be

# 45802

I would want something that would make people wonder and maybe fear me.

So, with that in mind, I think I want my pirate name to
Captian Scarlet Cutthroat!
To the mizzen mast, because the mast seems to be mizzen...:)

I found another cool name, Iron Jenny flint...now there's a name I could live with, and go to sea with! Avast me harties...after the penguins they be takin over me ship!!!

This post was edited by harold_maude on Jun 08, 2008.

Dark hours

# 45801

It's quiet here for a little while. Outside I can hear the neighborhood kids playing at what ever game is on for them right now.

It's cloudy but warm and muggy out there. It should be a day that walks along with a casual attitude for me. It isn't.
A mixture of emotions are swirling around me like some kind of soot filled fog. Getting on everything and getting into everything in life.

I went and did laundry this morning. I have taken well to the adventure at the laundry matt that my saturday morning always promises with an amount of wonder at who will I meet today.
At the laundry matt people tolerate each other with the occasional polite conversation, it helps to pass the time.
Well used magazines stacked loosely on an old news paper rack provides reading about worlds that I normally don't pay any attention to. Drama on a few pages. Enough of thoes drama filled stories and then it's time to fold the clothes and go home.

I have learned to look forward to my visits there. This morning should have been that way. It wasn't. My thoughts have been filled and over taken by so many things. Things I can't do anything about. Thoughts about what kind of job I need to do more than just cover food and rent and gas and electric and the other bits of life that cost money.

Thoughts about wanting to be done with this metamorphisis already. Wanting desperately not to be so foggy headed at the drop of a hat and out of the blue. Thoughts about the people I care about, the people who have burned me, and of all things politicians, wonder how they got to rent space in my head.

Thoughts about wanting to walk off somewhere and just keep walking until I drop. To top it off I got a summons about two weeks ago for a bill that is over 6 years old. It's something that I thought was already taken care of. When I was first in this town, about a month I had to have emergency surgery.
One of the two that I have had to have. With each one I thought seriously about just riding it out until the mercy of death finally showed up, either that or something miraclious happening like all the sudden it's all better.

Pain is a serious motivator. It argues and wins most of the time. So I went to the hospital a month after getting here.
I was depressed when I woke up. The reason I thought about not going was the hospital bill after. How would I pay for something that I need with no job?

I found that through ignorance and a man who lied to me about waiting to file some kind of paper that would force the county to help me, because I was homeless at that point, until the county doctor made some kind of determination as to whether or not I was able to get help from the county.
The paper work said I had 15 days after the surgery to get the paper filed. I should have listened to the paper instead of the caseworker offered by the county.

Help was denied. On all fronts. I didn't qualify for any help and I have no money, nothing but a truck and some clothes and a few other belongings at that point.
I was labled "indegent by design"....which translates as "God made you to be a leach on the system"
In more common terms, your a waste of life and your taking up space, you should have just died because your too expensive.

I kept in contact with the people I owed money to. I looked for work and called them to tell them I was trying to get a job so that I could pay my debts to them.
I got sent paper work. Lots and lots of paper work. I asked all of them if it was possible for me to work off my debts to them, they all got nasty about my request. Which translates this way, we want money. That's all. You working off the debt is not what we want. So screw you.

I got angry and quite calling. About a year later I got served a summons about the entire bill. I had nothing then. It went to court and now I had to deal with collection agencies hounding me. Somewhere along the line they stopped.
Until two weeks ago when I got a summons for the doctor's bill for doing the surgery.
As far I know it was included in the first run through the court system.
Now I have questions about all of this. I looked up the statue of limitaions as to medical debt in the state where I live, and I also started searching out what is going to happen, will I end up loosing the roof such as it is over my head.

So the hours this weekend are dark. Instead of being casual and relaxed, I'm not.

Then I find myself looking at how many things have come all at the same time and is it any wonder that I keep trying to win the lottery?
Here's the list:

This newest addition of a debt that is over 6 years old
The muffler on the truck
the front end of the truck, from the accident almost 3 years ago
6 broken teeth in my head that need to be fixed
A washer and dryer that works
new shoes, mine have holes in them and I keep putting it off until things are a little better
new glasses
a visit to the eye doctor would be nice
new carpet because the stuff that is in here now is old, I don't know how old but there are water stains on it and the cat has hit it a few times, so it really does need to be replaced
A newer frig, this one is great at making ice, and not just in the freezer.

So I'm looking at a few things. Most of the time I don't dwell on everything that is waiting to be taken care of. I think about the things that I do have and try to live in a place of being greatful.

Getting a huge loan isn't what I really want to do because I still have to take care of the normal monthly things, and eat as well. I need to find a job that pays alot more than the one I just left and it needs to be not so phsycially exausting, I need some energy left over to put into taking care of this place.

If I could find a job that will fit the bill then a loan from my bank is a possible choice, but with the first judgement against me, getting a loan with out it carring huge insterest which would make payments higher than I could afford without drowning, is a very iffy thing.

So here I am. It's saturday and the kids are outside in their world, and the sky has still got clouds and it's still muggy out there...and my head is a bit on over load, and even though it's daytime out there it sure feels dark.


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