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This morning I am faced with a few problems that need brainstorming applied so that I can figure out answers that make sense and will work.
I love brainstorming. It allows and requires that any thought or idea be brought to the table and examined and considered.
So this morning and last night I spent thinking about how to solve the problems that I'm looking at.
Brainstorming often leads to things that a person might not other wise consider.
Sometimes it reminds me of trying to balance a very, very tight budget. The first rule of thumb is, don't panic.
Panicing is pointless. It doesn't do anything except kill the appitite, and the ablity to sleep or think clearly.
One thing that panic does is show a person how crazy they can get, how jumpy they can be and it very often leads to alot of high pitched tones in conversation.
So I try to avoid panic at all cost. Right now I'm taking a break from the problems I need to solve for. My brain hurts from trying to come up with answers.
I'll have the answer soon to all of the things I need to, and life will go on, so there is no reason to panic, at least not for today, and hopefully not at all.
I can feel my focus starting to gell up abit. This is a good thing. My life is ahead of me waiting on me. And what ever is ahead on the road I want to be ready to face, embrace or run from.
The point is I want and need to be ready. The last few days have been filled with an awareness of how burned out I had become, and how exausted I was. It hit me last night just how much the last job took from me.
That's not to say that I don't have some great memories from working there, or things that I might miss doing down the road at some point.
But the point is that it's done. When I'm done, I don't go back. There is no point in going back to something that's done.
So this morning I'm in a forward gear and that's all I need to be in today, is the gear forward.
I've been thinking about what it is that I want to do to make a living from, and a few things have popped up, a writer, a consultant, and as always an artist living outside the box and infecting as many people with the notion that they are just as creative as any famous artist out there, past and present, while selling my art as much as possible.
In the direction of the writer idea, I have joined two news sites, and started writing on one, and am still wandering around the second. The first one is with the local paper here and the other is ireport, it's attached to CNN.
My thinking is this on the idea of writing, I do so much of it, and do it offten enough that maybe I'll write something that will capture some publisher's eye and they will offer me something.
I've been looking at freelance writing jobs, and freelance art jobs on the net for quite awhile now. I'm thinking that it's time to put a web site up.
It will give me a place to showcase all the creative endevors that I do and have done for a very long time.
Art, writing, music, jewerly, and clothes. I would be able to put different things up for sale and start heading tord having a physical store as well somewhere. Maybe not in this town, but somewhere.
Then there is the consultant. This one would be the least physically demanding which means that I would have to take up some kind of extreem physical activity to keep the muscles that I have developed while doing food service.
Weight lifing and running are a good bet in tandum.
Anyway, after this friend showed up at my door in need of talking to me about some decisions he needs to make, I was reminded of how many people over the years have shown up at my door to lay their problems and quanderies out and seek my help in figuring things out.
They just show up. It occured to me that I should be charging for my time with these folks.
So I have thought about hanging out a shingle on the net and in some places where a person can do that, ad boards in stores, in the news paper, and see what happens.
A few months ago I started looking up info on what a person has to do to become a reconized consultant, and for some reason that I can't remember now, I stopped doing research.
This person showing up, reminded me that I really do need to get back to that.
And as to the art, I already have my name out there, and things will sell occasionally. But it's not enough to eat off of so to speak. I know I need to find a really good agent, and so far I haven't been able to find one.
At least one that my gut tells me I can trust. The search is still on there.
Another thing that has been running through my head is this, that this is an opportunity to do something that I will be able to do well and make a living at. More than just a living. That's what all my other jobs were, a vechile to make a living with and little more than that.
I know I want what ever it is that I do next to do more than just make enough to barely live off of.
That arena, making just enough to barely get by on, has served to show me that I am not what everyone I grew up around believed I was.
That more than anything, the need to know the truth, has been the driving force behind me driving me and working like an animal at every job I have had over the last 5 years.
I spent the first year and a half without a job, doing what ever I could, selling art door to door, looking for anyone who would give me a chance to work.
I learned alot about survival. I had a very extreem education in that arena. I learned about how strong I am. And I'm very strong, and very capable, and can be so focused that I have the capablity of driving myself into a state of exaustion when it gets out of balance.
So now I'm more than ready to do something that will show me how sucessful I can be. There are things I have wanted to do, having land where I can build a business on and live on and share with people who need sancturary for a bit, and have a kick ass green house that produces awesome food to eat.
And on that land a gallery where I can show my work and other people's work that isn't in another gallery for one reason or another.
I want to do all of these tings. They take money. So now I have to see just how successful I can be in making money so I can do the above mentioned things.
I know I have to walk carefully here. I've never been crazy about money. I find money to be an odd thing. So much is put onto something you can take a match to and in a little bit it's gone.
Seems pretty silly to me that so much of everything is attached to money. I would love to see the world go back to bartering.
Do you realize that if there was no monitary system in place your life would be easier?
You would be able to use your skills and talents to get what you need to live well. And most of your life would be spent in living real life instead of being enslaved to spending part of it working for someone else. And the return for your life that gets spent, is this thing called a paycheck, and unless your in a job that pays really well, it doesn't even come close to being a fair trade for what you bring to the table.
I've met alot of people here in this town that are working two jobs, just to survive. If one of the jobs offers benefits, they have to pick up part of the tab for that and it's insanely expensive, so hence the second job. The first one takes care of all the money they are spending to having some kind of protection against some kind of disaster in life, so they have to get a second job just to eat.
Funny thing about insurance is this, very often it only pays for part of what you need, which means not only are you paying for the insurance to help you or cover the problem, but your stuck paying out even more for your end of the deal.
Slavery is what that ends up equalling out to.
Anyway, in knowing now that I need to see how sucessful I can be in making money could be a problem because of how I feel about money.
So it's going to be a challange for me.
Anyway, I should stop for the moment, I'm still suppose to be relaxing for a day or two more, I'm really bad at relaxing. I have a hard time with just doing nothing.
When I had the last surgery they almost had to tie me down because I wouldn't just stay down. Too much to do.
So I better be a good girl and enjoy the day. :)
This morning feels kind of free floating. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
It's day two after the last job and I woke up at 5:30 am. I've been getting up early for so long now that it's a habbit. And it's a good one, except when I should sleep in.
Yes, I think every so often a person should sleep in. A way of telling the world, "Today is mine!"
I feel burned out today. There is alot of things I should probably be doing, but honestly, I have no energy for any of it.
I've spent so long in trying to figure out how to stretch things so that they would go further and last longer that I'm just plain burned out.
Work took alot too. Going as hard as I could every day so that I could keep proving to myself that what everyone believed about me wasn't the truth. I did this so much, that I'm burned out from that. But I know me. Just because I'm burned out doesn't mean that I won't do what I need to. It'll just be a bit slower for a while.
My muscles ache this morning. I haven't really given them any time off from work. Some weekends it was so bad that all I could do was mostly go and lay down for a while.
I remember more than one Saturday that getting out of bed was misery.
So it doesn't surprise me that this morning my muscles ache.
It tells me that I really did need to quit my job and find something else that was less intense labor wise.
I've got alot of things I need to work out and since this place has become my cave, the place where all my meanderings go, stuff that means something only to me, I suspect that I will write about what I'm experiencing for some later reference when things come up that feel really, really familiar.
I talked to two people yesterday that are as burned out with their job as I was. One of them came specifically to see me, to bounce some things off me and get my take on stuff.
That happens. Some times lots of people show up. I know that's part of my purpose here, I've been equipped for that purpose.
It's the way it is.
Which is why I have considered getting business cards with something to the effect of being a sounding board for people.
It would have to refer to me as a consultant of some kind.
Not what people have refered to me as, a sage, therapist and other things that require years of school to earn the title.
I know it's the gifts at work. They are the teachers, the healers, the wells of wisdom. I'm just the house. Sometimes it's hard to be ok with the reality that the reason people show up at my door step is because they have come for council of some kind. I'm glad I don't remember the majority of the conversations.
It would be nice on occasion to just hang out like everyone else does.
But I know good and well, that just hanging out is not something that is a common thing in my life.
Face it, I'm an odd duck with a backwards life. Everything that works out right for me comes through a backwards direction.
I'm thinking that because of that very thing, Friday the thirteenth will be my lucky day.
It would crack me up if it was. The realization that everything in my life works best when it's backwards, made me realize that how I have to approach things for my life, is completely outside any box I know of.
It's still working itself out in my head.
I think it would make sense to me if my head was on backwards or something.
At least it might feel more right if it was.
Anyway, I'm going to go have words with some dishes. I didn't get them finished last night, due to getting hit with the overwhelming need to just go to sleep, right in the middle of them, so guess what? I did. :)
So I gotta go finish them now.
Have something wonderful today ok?
Given some distance from a person or event, the once blurry lines become clear, distinct.
You can finally get the answer to the question, "what am I looking at?"
There are so many things that can blurr the vision and make thinking clearly almost impossible.
Emotional ties. Loyality. And a few others that you might not be familiar with. One is hypnosis. The kind carried on in a conversation that leaves you doing things and wanting things that you really don't.
Like energy vampires, the person who is adept at conversational hypnosis is usually doing it because without it, no one would pay attention and or give them what they want.
The name I gave to conversational hynosis before I knew what I was looking at was and still is "The Charm".
And if you've ever been hit by it, it's tough to keep things straight.
As it happens I had an experience with someone who not only was good at it, but the intent that was attached was not in my best interest.
Since I had never met anyone quite as magnetic as this person seemed to be, I was pulled by something that I didn't understand at all.
Now that I understand what was going on, it occured to me that it's got to be a fairly common practice among people who are in power. Hey if you can do it to one person, why not a whole nation.
Now that I know what it is and how it works, I am slower to move on somthing someone is trying to get me to do or take.
I listen harder to my gut when there is some person who is doing a song and dance, much like a magician does slight of hand, and when there is sufficant confusion and diversion, then the real purpose becomes evident, the suggestions are planted.
And thoes suggestions are made of words at least in part with embedded commands, so when all is said and done, you find yourself doing things, thinking things that under straight on conversation, you would never do.
There is indeed great wisdom in knowing yourself, and what it is that you really want.
Fortunately for me, the person weilding the charm in my direction met with several walls.
When they showed up on the scene, I had already spent long hours
They also ran into what I know in my bones is my purpose.
So after months of trying to get me to become one of their followers as it were, they aparently decited they didn't want to try to get me to do what they wanted after all.
For all the things I struggle with, having a weak mind is not one of them.
A person of this type will test the strength of their hold, by doing things that insite emotional responses.
If you have ever had an aquantance who you liked but had no idea why you would like them because most of what they do, is really stupid, some type of hynotic control was more than likely involved.
Depending on how much of your emotions have been infected by the charm, will be how strongly you feel things like jealousy, or abandonment. Somewhere along the line addiction seems to happen.
I know this because I watched this person use it on several other people at the same time they were trying to get me on board so to speak.
Now that I know that it's out there, waiting for who ever is vunrable, I will walk with wiser eyes, and sharper ears.
Another saturday almost gone and I'm hoping that I will sleep good tonight. I spent the day between trying to get some concrete figure that I can work tord so that I can get a new muffler, and talking to a some people I can trust, trying to sort everything out so that a road through it all can be found.
I know that change comes, but there are times I wish it didn't resemble a huge dump truck full of stuff that ends up on my head so much.
It keeps comming and I keep standing, sometimes not so up right, but still standing in the morning as it were.
I keep thinking that when I get a bit down the road, it might be a good idea to write about the experiences that have run over me, it might help someone out there who is in worse shape with the same kinds of things simply because they don't know how to help themselves, they are stumped and need some help figuring things out.
One person thought I was asking for financial help. I stopped them before they offered something. I told them I was not asking for financial help, just strength and wisdom so I can navigate this sea without too many dings along the way.
It really has helped with all of this.
I have to do the leg work so to speak, but when your burned out, and it's showing no signs of slowing down any time soon, just a little emotional support is sometimes the best medicine for helping survive the trip.
I still haven't figured out where to take the truck to get the muffler. I read many horror stories about midas taking people for lots of money.
So I'm not sure I really want to go through them.
They were open today and when I called I started asking some basic questions which the guy on the other end of the phone said he couldn't give me an answer to.
Questions like what will it cost me for you to just look at it and tell me what I need.
Basicly what will it cost me just to have you look at it.
And he couldn't give me any kind of number...there are red flags going up at this point, so I started asking different people where they went, and I got a variety of answers.
If I were a man I could get answers I'm sure of that. But being a woman in this town I really have to watch things close,
repair shops like to take women for what they can.
And that's because most women don't know alot about cars.
I know a little, but almost next to nothing other than what I read about today, on mufflers.
So I spent time reading about mufflers. Then I got my owner's manual out of the glove box and started looking for anything on the exaust system and read through it and there was nothing on the muffler. No joke here. I thought to myself, the one thing that I need to get help with so that I get the right thing and the people who made this truck have nothing to say about what kind I should get.
I looked at all kinds of pictures of mufflers today. Everything from a barrel design with two pipes to these long tapered custom pipes which from what I could tell either went on a big bike or some kind of custom exaust on a souped up truck or street car.
So I still have no clue.
Funny thing about looking all this stuff up, you would think there would be a price list somewhere.
But I have yet to find one. If I do I'll put the web address up here so maybe it will help someone.
Anyway, just an up date on what a day this has been...
I'm tired now.
Well life just gets more and more interesting everyday, I gotta tell you...sounds like a page from a script from some old movie.
But that is what's going on here. To add to the growing list of things that need money thrown at it, is the muffler. Yep. That just joined the list last night. I think the poor thing developed a hole in it's soul.
I went into a normal state of stilled panic. That happens when things show up and I have to start the process of "what do
I do with this thingy? and where do I put it in order of importance?"
Well, I have learned that it's always important not to panic.
I also know that to get the basics to run a house I need the truck. It's an older truck and I am greatful that it's a tough truck, just like me...grinning.
Gotta smile inspite of everything once in a while. There are always solutions to the things that go wrong in life.
I just have to get through the panic so that I can start to think clearly.
Because of the intital paniced state I found myself in last night, I didn't sleep so well and I've been up since 5:30 a.m.
Problem solving time. I tried laying down and going back to sleep as I have a full day ahead of me of going to the laundry matt and grocery shopping and taking a rather large package to the post office. With this new problem I run the risk of getting a ticket...so I'm praying for an absence of cops in my vacinity today.
I've been thinking for a while for alternate methods of doing what I need to do. With the cost of gas going up, it's almost 4 dollars a gallon here. And since I use the truck for getting to work and doing the running and nothing else, and it's getting pretty insane trying to budget for more money to go to gas, I have been considering alternatives.
There is walking. The most cost effective solution, but very time comsuming depending on how far you have to walk to get where you need to go.
To make that as efficant as I can I need to either get a basket on wheels for carring larger amounts of food, or start doing chin up's and weight lifting so that I can carry the stuff while going on an hike to the nearest grocery store.
What I can carry will be limited by how strong I am.
Working the jobs I have over the last couple of years, and especially this last one, I have built some upper body strength that I didn't have before.
So that's a good thing.
There is the idea of getting a bike, but money is really tight right now. When isn't it? I need to find out if anyone has a bike they want to get rid of for cheap...I could add baskets and that would help.
There is the bus system.
And then there is the: finding another really cheap ride option.
This addition has with it the added bonus of reminding me that I will need to make some life style changes one way or another to accomidate this change.
I started looking on the net for information and it's a bit frustrating because I can't just get some clear answers, there is all this stuff to wade through, and all I want is simple answers.
Makes me want to put a web site that is all about simple easy and very clear answers to questions for thoes things that come up that you don't deal with very often.
Anyway, I got up and spoke my peace very quitely. And came out here and was still in a paniced state, but knowing from past experience that if I wait that out, then it will pass and then I can start working through it and come to some kind of reasonable solution that I can handle.
I've got this crazy long list of stuff like this that is still waiting to get fixed now.
I feel the weight squarely on my shoulders. And it's heavy.
The list of things I take care of now without help is rather long as well.
I just edited the rest of what I originally wrote. I think I just needed to see it on paper as it were. And now after having vented and rambeled for a while, I can figure this out.
I'm greatful for the edit button on this site.
This post was edited by harold_maude on May 31, 2008.