harold_maude's journal

The day after

# 47070

It's Sunday morning and all is quite and still. It's still too early for the morning birds to start singing.
It feels like I'm the only one in the world awake at this moment.
Because it's Sunday the traffic won't start for a little while.
So I will enjoy the feeling for a little while.

The job ended yesterday. I joined a long list of people who have exited the place. I was in the group of the last 4 that got fired in the last two weeks.

Out of all the people who have gotten fired from the place over the last 6 months, only one person got fired for any kind of real reason. The one person who got fired for the right reason was a head cook in one of the kitchens because of sexual harrassment directed at one of the kitchen managers.
At the time I remember being impressed by this. A woman actually getting supported by a boss.

As the months passed what ever impressed I was with the boss quickly faded to frustrating disgust with the realization that the boss was nothing more than a self serving greedy pig.
Over the months the people he liked the best started changing and becoming more accomidating to his wants.
It's a hard thing to watch people become ugly. One girl in particular, a 20 something young woman has changed into this lying monster.
Maybe it was there already inside her. It just needed a good asshole to bring it out to the surface. Her last target of garbage was directed at the marketing director over something really trivial and childish.

Her male counter part in this weird and very twisted place has changed as well. When the place started last December he had a sense of honor and seemed like a strong choice for the role of general manager. Over the months he's become this arrogant dog of the boss. His latest victim was an older guy who some how was a threat to the younger guy.
I'm very sure he was the only one in the place to feel that in the whole place.
Another trivial thing was blown up into this massive violation and the older guy got fired.

In all the things I saw while I was there the one that has me the most puzzled is why this one boss has been allowed to do so much damage. He's one of 4 owners, 3 of which are seasoned business owners. Out of all of them, the one with no experience in running a business is the one who was put in charge of running the business.
It has occured to me that this business was set up by a group who have too much money and needed a really good tax write off.
This possiblity for some who have considered this is too far fetched because one of the owners is a high ranking member of the Mormon Church. A bishop isn't suppose to be looking for ways around paying taxes. They are suppose to be honorable sorts of people who lead by example.
I've been to one of his other businesses and have read what they hold up for the world to see.
They do charity work and this and that and on top of that the prices for their food is pretty much the same as every other place in that class of trough houses in this town.
On top of that he's a nice guy.

That's the glitch, the fact that he's a nice guy. But I've seen another nice guy do things business wise that were completely anti nice. This other nice guy let a whole flock of sheep die from wet tail. That nice guy refused to buy medicine to cure the problem. There were lots of lambs that died needlessly. I remember thinking how could a nice guy do something so ugly and needless? The answer was that he and his partner needed a tax write off because there was way too much money that needed protecting.

If I hadn't known about the sheep and what happened it would have been too unbelievable to be true. The lesson is that even nice can be nothing more than a surface illusion.

To possibly act as a cover for this failed business scheme the business was started last year. It was started the last month of December making it as close to the start of the new year as possible to avoid being started for the ultimate purpose of making a business fail. Which would provide a way to keep more of the money that they each have.

While I know it's impossible to know the reasons for all the things that are so obviously idiot about the business I just got fired from, the conclusion is either one of two things. Either they are all really morons who happened to have dumb luck with other businesses and decided to help another person have the same sucess or they are all rather under handed guys who cook up schemes to make lots and lots of money.

In looking at the players in this weird nightmearish drama the business in the worst case of the two choices, the business on the surface looks very much like the what was going on at the farm where the sheep died.
To the right people the farm looked like a shining example of what an organic research farm is suppose to look like.
Under that surface however anything goes to accomplish the goal.
It's all really ugly and twisted. Inspite of the fact that I have to do the job hunt again, I am glad to be free of the place. The people who have not become what the one owner wants are the people I feel the worst for. As long as they remain there they will suffer at what appears to be madness unleashed on something really good, on the surface.

This post was edited by harold_maude on Jun 05, 2011.

Making life

# 47045

The last few years have been this crazy ride. All over, everywhere things are happening at an amazing pace. Life in various displays are being laid out for the world to see.
Thanks to the internet we have access to more information than is held in any library anywhere.
Unless you count the internet as one huge fluid library.

I've begun to think of it that way. A moving library of shadows of all of us.
Information about anything is floating around out there. We have painted a picture of life in the last part of the 20th and the first part of the 21st centuries.
We have painted this picture for the universe to see.

I've been involved as of late in several discussions about life, about choices among other things.
I have watched the people here and have listened to them. There are more people here who have very little clue as to any bigger picture that is not only encroaching but sitting on top of them as I write this.

The unnammed discomfort that exists, the unhappiness that exists, and all the things that go wrong in any given day is a common thing here.
I've watched illnesses travel through this area and yet there are some of us who rarely experience illness.
Why?

Why as in what makes this possible? I've come to understand over the last several years that I am in partnership with this body and it is to my benefit to listen to what my body is saying and pay attention rather than listen to someone or someones who have no clue as to who I am, let alone that I exist.
They don't know me. Even though we are connected, there is a lack of understanding that when people do things that don't benefit anyone, except themselves.
This is a direct result of the very first time people made the move to expand and move away from the group or family.

There is a move that has been going on for some number of years to bring the family back while at the same time the move to disconnect and be individual has been being played out.
When the mobile phone became a mainstream part of daily life, the process became easier.
Now it is not uncommon for family and group to be scattered all over the world and still be able to talk to and see each other via this technology.

In these discussions there has been the subject of thought and words and the effect they have.
It has been suggested that we make life as we go along. I tend to agree with this. The question of what is life is not just a simple question anymore.
It is a rather big and very complex question. The reason this is so is because the question affects everything.

It affects and is effected upon by our choices, our traditions,even down to how we interact with others of the human race.

This coupled with this place that I work at has made for an interesting time.
I have been challenged to live in the present and decide how each day will be.
I've been further challenged to see this making of life in single moments.
That's a rather large order.

It's a large order because it requires discipline. It's frustrating at times because I don't think life should be such a hard struggle.
What I mean by that is that it should not be a needed thing to have to make a choice every day to have a good day no matter what other people are doing or not doing.

I have to though because what I see going on around me makes me angry most of the time because it lacks so much common sense.
If I allow the anger to be what makes my life for this day, life for this day is going to be miserable and that opens the way for hard feelings.
It makes living life harder in that it makes life more work than it should ever be.

Circumstances are what they are. How we live is what it is and when the choice is made to have a good life no matter what the circumstances are is the goal.
There is so much information traffic going on right now that in order to get through the day in a good state of mind, the choice of deciding to have a good day is required.
It makes me angry. But trying to tell people that this should have to be this way has proved to be difficult. There are many people who are not listening and don't want to listen.
Another deep frustration to deal with.

I finally realized not very long ago that I had to live and make life good for myself. I also learned that doing that had to be good enough.
I've spent years wanting to make a difference. I've lived life to that end. I never needed to be thanked for doing that.
After running into so many people who are more interested in taking from others so that they can stay in the mode of self destruction than in changing behaviors and in doing so make a better life for themselves, that I have come to the conclusion that I can only make a real difference in my own life.
Knowing how energy moves from and event of choice, I can be sure that it will have an effect.
I have to be content with that. It has to be enough. It has to be what it is.
I want to have a good life.

Tiny details, empathic life

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# 47004

In the different fields of energy moving around everywhere, there are times when I have become suddenly aware of a small change.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one feeling it when it happens. Then I remember how many people there are on the planet and I think "with that many people on the planet, there has to be others who felt this too".
That is unless I've completely lost my mind, in which case, what I feel and even think really doesn't matter to what is going on in the world.

This process happens every single time I feel an awareness of something happeing around me. When I feel it internally, my first thoughts are ok so what do I need to do now that I'm feeling this inside. I've had to learn how not to take on what's out there and try to make it change to suit my particular flavor of how the world should run. Because I love wisdom so much, my flavor of how the world should run is the want to see people live and act with wisdom as their guide through life. It would be lovely to see common sense become the normal way things are approached and adressed.
I want these things for all of humanity. I know I can't force anyone to look at what they do and figure out if what they are doing is healthy for them or not.

That doesn't mean that I don't want to try to make a difference. The understanding about making a difference is that there is a possiblity of being part of making change happen with out being rude or pushy about it.

This is on my mind this morning because since the first of this year I have been noticing lots and lots of things happening and none of them seem to be comming from us people. They seem to be happening in the energy fields that we co-exist with.
The other day I was minding my own business when I felt this faint grinding and shifting, like the gears on a clock that all of a sudden, after years of not moving, suddenly move forward a couple of notches.
It was strong enough for me to feel it and be surprised by it.
This morning I felt another tiny shift. This one gave me the feel of something being scrambled up.
Because they happened so close together, I am now on the look out for it to happen again. If it doesn't, then those two things were just random.

If another one of these thing happen I will look at all three and compare notes of each of them and look for similar patterns.
If there is, that's a clue of something that is important in some way. Then next step is to try to figure out what it's important to.

If it keeps happening, that tells me that it's part of what is happening in terms of everyone and everything on the planet.
It's a process that I go through that does help keep me from running off somewhere and hiding in a cave because the world is too big and crazy right now.
Some days the world feels like this giant blender going haywire complete with sparks flying everywhere and I'm standing there looking up at what's happening.

Most days anymore are a mixture of relief that humanity hasn't blown it self up with all the explosive tinker toys that we have laying around the planet, and wonderment at watching people go completely sideways. It's like watching a circus go bad.
I keep waiting for the good to take over for a while so that balance can happen. I've learned by watching nature and the seasons that there is always a balance in nature.
We arn't exempt from the same requirements. We live here and are apart of nature too, so somewhere and at some time, good has to become the dominate way of living. When nature brings balance it's done in this flow that just works.
The move and push to good will happen on it's own, in people all over.

Knowing how people tend to be when something starts leading them, I'll look for an increase in the number of gurus, teachers, guides, and wanna be leaders. More than there are all ready.
There's been a rise in those kinds of people steadily over the years, however, the push to bring the balance, will be more in a clustered fashion, they will show up on the scene all pretty much at the same time. It will be alot like watching a great talent compition.
The real ones of those people will have no need of trying to get people to listen to them. The evidence of the move will be that people will actually listen to what is being said and will take the good and change their lives with that knowledge, simply because it means a better quality of life for themselves and every one else that they know or meet.

Well, now that I've drained my mind some, I've got a day to get on with. It's sunny and the sky is blue. Here's hoping that today is warmer than than yesterday.

Ode to twist ties

# 47000

They come every box of garbage bags. They arn't long enough to really do much besides try to keep the bag together on the way to the trash.
I quit trying to use them because tying the bag works better.
So what to do with the sheets of those twist ties that have found a home in a box? I could speak of them in hushed tones, as though they were worth more than being an extra in a box with garbage bags. I could speak of them as though they were the most priceless object of art.
That might not be a far off idea when I think about the art that Damien Herst creates. Sharks in formaldehyde. He just put the two things he didn't create inside a very large tank, and wa bam! We got art!
Or how about the bananna this other guy injected with his urin and they put the thing on a window sill in a dutch museum. The article said they were asking 15 thousand pounds. Go figure.
I could never understand the politics of art galleries.
Being an artist it puzzles me to no end.

I should do something down right strange. Like let a bowl of oatmeal rot and take pictures of the daily demise of said oatmeal and send the lot of dying oatmeal pictures to some gallery. It wouldn't surpise me at all if people went nuts over it and called it something stupid like "real genius".

Ah well, back to the growing collection of twisty ties.
They have paper on wire and that's suppose to be something useful.
I'll figure out something to do with them. After all if a feminist group can make a chandilere out of tampax, I should be able to come up with something crazy out of twist ties...

I think it's been winter for too long..

Ground Hog Day

# 46994

The word hog when I see it looks really funny. The image when I see it reminds me of mud and pigs and slop and all the other things I find hard to go to the pig barn at any county fair over.

It does have the same kind of prolonged punchiness that yelling the words "IN COMMING" does. It's pushy and stinky too. And when you put hog with ground, it conjours up all kinds of immages...pigs running around with lit dynamte, that kind of thing.

I know that groundhog is one word, but because I like humor, even my weird sense of humor works good here, taking the word apart and then letting the images fly around in my head is a good thing this morning.

It's gone cold snap here again. It's all white out there and I'm thinking that the polar bears or penguines would love this town.
We have enough snow to go around. There is no threat of having a snow shortage this year.
I keep looking at the piles of snow that are a common sight in winter here, and I can't help but think how amazing it would be if the bugs could go skiing. ,,bug olympics...

The new job continues. It continues to be a source of amazment as well. That's not in a good way. It's been a grand display however of lessons in why it's important to use common sense in planning something.
I cannot, no matter how hard I try, find any good reason these people decided to open a business at the beginning of winter and expect that people would over run the place.
If this town was in a place where the weather didn't play such a major role in determining how often people go shopping, then it wouldn't have mattered when they opened it.
The floor, which is concrete is being severly affected by the friged temps we have been having for the last two months. It's cracking and chipping, and it's a brand new floor.
I look at that and wonder if it ever occured to them that this might be a seious problem in a short amount of time.

All the personal drama that goes on there is just what it is, personal drama. It's not affecting my ablity to work, so it's just a kind of entertainment that exists there.
The work itself is boring and frustrating because it is boring.
But it's work and I do get paid for it, so I guess that's a fair trade off.

In other parts of life, I'm still doing art. However, due to the lack of funds for new materials, I have taken to looking at garbage as source for materials.
As a result of this, I have taken a great interest in both upcycling and recycling.
I've looked at so many amazing things people are making out of garbage. So I know I'm in good company.
It's been nice to not have to wonder how I'm going to get new paper.
So I've been exploring and experimenting with my new found materials. What blows me away is how much of it there is out there and that it's free for the asking.
Now all I need to do is learn how to work with glass and fire.
I so want to work with metal and glass and do some sculpture with these two materials, but space and lack of equipment has kept that just a want. I'm moving into paper mache to try to answer the want to do sculpture.
I know I'm going to need to find recipiants of finished peices because I don't have the room in my house for alot of sculpture.

Aside from these things, I'm looking forward to spring. I'm counting the days until it gets here.

Tuesday evening

# 46900

It's gotten cold which is normal for this time of year. It's been kind of dreay out there too, which would be fine if there were a gothic castle and there were large fire places and all that, but it's not so the dreary isn't alot of fun.

I made some Scottish shortbread this evening and it turned out good. I wasn't sure when the recipie called for corn starch, but I went ahead and put it in there like I was suppose to and now that I've enjoyed a peice of it, I am putting it on my list of cookies to make.

I really have been trying to get into some kind of holiday mood, but it's been work trying to get there. My want to went with the wind some years ago, mostly because there really wasn't anyone who wanted to join me in making it a fun and festive time.
I know too many wet blankets when it comes to doing decorating and all that. But this year I decided I really needed to do this if for nothing else than to help me get through the dark of winter.

Depression seems to love winter that's why it visits so many people. The studies show that it's the lack of sun that makes it easy for depression to move in.
I think it's more than just the missing hours of sunlight. I think that part of it is that at this time of year if a person is pretty much alone that gets more intense and it hurts more.
For those who run on survival mode all the time, winter is hardest because your fighting off freezing and it's hard to think about happy celebrations when you can keep yourself warm while trying to figure out how your going to eat each day.

Many people in the world live day to day in terms of finding food, staying warm or cooler if they live near or at the equator. Survival, when you really live there takes up all your waking hours. On the rare occasion that you can seperate yourself from trying to make it through the day, there are happy moments that can be had.

Living at survival level really does some odd things to you. It beats up your emotions for a long time. Then, after awhile, you stop really feeling anything at all. You just live and hold hope up as the one thing that keeps you from going completely mad or trying to do something really stupid, like trying to kill yourself because no matter how you work things out, it all ends up being the same.

Having lived in various states of the above, and having made it this far, there is a subtle change over that takes place somewhere along the line.
Things can still be the same or worse or better, but you notice that not alot bothers you any more. Most everything that what I call normal folks worry about doesn't touch me anymore.
I live day by day, trying to go forward, but now I find that along with hope, laughter makes the struggle alot easier.
Laughter really is good medicine.
The problem is for most people who are worried about how they will make it through the day, fear has still too much room to beat them up.

The first thing you gotta do is kick fear in the ass and out the door. Fear is not your friend. It doesn't like you. It wants to hurt you by making you it's prisoner and stopping you completely.
So you gotta deal with fear first off. That takes time, because I found at least in my own life, the things we fear are often things we've either been conditioned to fear or things we don't understand.
Sometimes I'm pretty sure that moving into fear mode is a habbit more than anything.

Here's a thought that I don't know how common it is, but it doesn't matter how poor or rich you are, habbits are something that are free to change, and that starts with changing your mind.

After you get to a place where the fear isn't so fearsome anymore than there is room for laughter even when your hungry and your stomach hurts because you arn't eating very often.
Laughter does something good to you inside. And that's good medicine for the mind and soul.

When things start threatening to roll over the top of me, I have taken to looking for things that will make me laugh. It just feels good. So along with hope, laughter has become an anchor for me.
I am a survivor. And the cool part is, I'm getting pretty good at it.


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