harold_maude's journal

Trying to figure things out

# 45782

Since I decited to leave the job that I am at, some interesting things have unfolded among thoes that are staying there.

Since my slotted place was one of two jobs that were the same all the time, no weekends as well, the other is the manager's slot, there is already fighting over who will get what was my position.
I earned my place at that job.

The up and comming manager wants to give it to some friend who doesn't already work there. Now the person who should move up to the possition, she has seniority there now, and she is also a friend of the up and comming manager is rather upset that it's being offered to a person who doesn't want to work there.
I don't blame her.

This is just one more reason that I am glad I made the decison to leave that place.

A side note, since I've been sitting here writing this there have been 4 missed calls, all with restricted ID numbers, means I can't see who is calling. The two I did answer there was nothing on the other end of the line.
I have a feeling someone is just trying to annoy me. And I have a feeling I know who it is.
When they get the balls up to leave a message then I will talk to them.
Until then, they can just go flake away...
soap suds in the wind...

There were a couple others a few days ago, about this time of night.
The person I think is behind this is someone who until they screwed up, would call at this time of night.
Hey maybe it's someone from the other side trying to get a message across and they just haven't figured out how to send a text message.

Humor in the dark...

Anyway, things are unfolding and soon it will become clear that the person who is the up and comming manager doesn't have the discipline to do the job and the owners will either leave her in that place, which I don't see happening considering due to they hate loosing money, or they will fire her and get someone else in there.

Don't you just love drama?

I'm not fond of it, but since I've watched the people who are staying behind, that is part of the parting shot.

Going forward...I've spent the last few days looking for work, and the truth is that I really don't want to do anything for a few weeks.
Regain some of my energy.
Where is a dying business in need of a care taker when you need one?

I got three more calls in the last 5 minuets. I did answer one and told them to leave a message if they had something to say.

Friday morning

# 45781

I am greatful that this is the last day this week. Every week at this job gets to be more of the same. Exausting.
It's become a place I don't want to be at anymore. The door is closing fast on it.
That's what happens when the time at a place is over.
It shifts into this gear.

I know I need a break from everything. But there is always the driivng thing of bills and the need to eat.
So, I'm looking for something that will take care of that and be different than what I'm doing now.
In truth all I want to do is the same thing I've wanted to do for weeks now, walk off into the woods and vanish for a while.
At least until I catch my breath.

I've noticed that the house doesn't have alot of visitors lately. And that's a good thing, because to be around alot of people right now is not a good idea.
They drain me.

My dreams have been intense over the last two weeks. I wake up exausted and although I can't remember much about them, when I wake up I am aware of bits and peices, and I feel like I've been engaged in arguments that serve only to frustrate and drive s person to rage.

Its for that reason that I'm glad I don't remember. Somedays the anger lingers, and there is no reason to be angry.
So I'm glad I don't remember.

I've also noticed a great restlessness in me. Something that can get pretty intense. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep from tearing my skin off because that kind of restlessness makes my skin itch. I know it's my nerves going crazy from what's going on in my body right now.

Knowing all of this does help, it allows me not to take anything anyone does personally.
I thank God that I'm not blowing up at people.
That's what understanding what is going on does, it keeps me from blowing up at people.

I know if I stayed longer at this job after the manager left I would get so frustrated at everyone else that works there, because most all of them do so little that it would end up sitting almost entirely on my shoulders. And because the new general manager who keeps screwing things up, has given most of these people raises, simply due to the fact that getting people to stay without more money is next to impossible.

The last raise I got was a few months ago, and that was only because of a misunderstanding on the part of the owners.
We had this cheezy questionair that we had to fill out, and I was honest about it and they thought I was asking for a rase, but what I was trying to get across was that the corporation and the people who make the rules have lost touch with reality.
The things they want us to do are unrealistic and expensive, and most all of it is a waste of time.
But they read it as I was asking for a raise.

I was amazed that was all they understood out of the two simple sentances I wrote.
The question was something to do with what could they give as incentive to us as motivation to sell more stuff.
I repiled with something to the effect that I would love to see the corporate yahoos do what we do for the money they pay us.
The other thing I said was that I would love to see them try to follow their own rules in the real world.

They missed it completely. They took it to mean that I wanted a raise. It cracked me up when I found out that I was getting one.
The manager understood, because she feels the same way about the yo-yo's who make the rules up.
Most all of them have never worked on a line making food at all.
They are buisness men. They have no clue.
But most rules that exist in corporations are made up by people who have never been under the weight of trying to do the jobs that keep thoes places running, and keep the bastards in their nice houses and taking trips that none of us weight bearing memembrs will never know.

Somedays I would love to take the top brass of some company and the people at the bottom, the ones who bust their butts every day and have them trade places for a year.
I feel the same about goverment yahoos too.

It would be wonderful to watch. Maybe then there would be more reasonable rules and requirements.

I would love to see some corporate type who has never actually gone into a running sweat, be put into the possition of doing just that. And then give him or her a paycheck that looks like mine does.

Things would change hard and fast, because I think that none of them could stand the pressure. They couldn't handle it.
My lovely fantasy.
It would be awesome.

Decisions and opportunities

# 45775

Yesterday at work, the assistant manager who will be walking in the managers shoes very shortly, comes up to me and asks me to stay a week longer than I had planned.
I put my notice in at work to be the same day as the manager.
I was there at this job for one reason, to be a strong support for a woman who has been busting her butt to do the finest job I've ever seen any manager do, bar none.

The woman who is the assistant manager has used her position to slack and not really do her job. Let's face it, she hasn't.
She has a lot of bad habbits , she is always late for work, she leaves and the place usually looks like a bomb went off when she is schedualed to clock out, she has lied time and time again to the manager, these things and more has made working with her frustrating, and now she wants me to stay an extra week.

Her best friends who also work at the same place don't believe she will make it as manager, and if she keeps doing what she has been, she won't.
There is no business as usual, any more.
I have a decision to make. Staying an extra week might do a couple of things, put a little more money on my last paycheck from there, but it also cuts down some other windows of opportunity that would pay better and offer beneifits.
Do I stay and help this woman out, or do I let her just face it and let what ever happens, happen.

When she asked me, she said she was scared, and she should be.
But at the same time this is her opportunity to step up and prove all thoes people wrong who have no faith in her, due
to her work performance so far.
I told her I would give her my answer on Thursday.
I refuse to be a glorified baby sitter. And I refuse to carry the load of the place by my self.

Durring the day shift, the manager and I do the bulk of the work.
When this woman, the assistant manger has been on, all she wants to do is talk. She leaves things a mess, and I have yet to see her pick up a broom and even sweep.
I do know that when I talk to her tomorrow, that I am going to take of the nice kid gloves and be completely straight with her.
I'm of the opinion that she needs to either pull her shit together, put her head down and just step up to the plate, and start earning her wage, or go to the general manager and tell him she is not up to it, and ask him for help in this endevor.

She is in a panic. And that is the worst thing to do.

What I see happening when the manager leaves, and when I leave, is the place is going to fall far down in being the top store of the three here in this town.
I can see everyone who works there now quitting. And then it would be on the owners to fix it.
Which is justice, seeing as how they have made many promises but have yet to keep one.

Anyway, I've got to get ready for work.

Searches that lead somewhere, I think

# 45774

Sometimes it seems that when something catches my attention, I end up getting lost in some forest, but only can manage seeing the trees.

Too many details. Too many questions, and not enough definitve proof or evidence to be able to explain anything even to myself.

That's where I've found myself with alot of different things.
Sometimes, after I've wandered off while looking at something else, I find my way back to the orginal question.
When I do, it tells me that the side track I took wasn't a bad thing at all.
Just more information on something I've been trying to understand.

The questions I had 3 years ago, I still have them now. They aren't simple questions. Some of them, alot of them actually, I have found limited information on.

Others have unfolded, ones that do have alot written about them.
The amount can be stagering.
Questions about quantum stuff, mechanics, string theory, time wave zero, how the mind works, what emotions really are, all of thoes things have lots of people writing about them, doing experiments about them. Seems they are searching too.

I've found that there are other people out there asking the same questions I am. And as I found out that they were, I was comforted by that knowledge, because it ment that I hadn't gone
off some deep end.

It told me that something is happening, especially when it's happening outside the great instituions of learning, and think tanks arn't holding cutting edge thinking anymore.

They don't know all the answers, or even all the questions, to us, to who we really are.
I asked this physist a question, about time, and I told him about the things I'd been thinking about time, and he told me that the questions I had science couldn't answer.

They don't know everything. They are just like me. Searching in merky territory looking for something, another puzzle peice, to a picture that is of us maybe in our true form.

Not clothed in a bio, chemical, shell that is in decay. But who we are underneath.
What we are to each other, what our life means after all and what part we place in cosmic events.

We are all made of star stuff. That's been common knowledge for a few years now. Science said it was so, but long before science got it's stamp out and put it on the evidence that has been around since matter and energy moved in a certian way, directed by something amazing, and unspeakable, and the most brilliant thing happened. Life happened.
That's the best way to discribe it.

Life. A single thought by you brings something into existance, it lives what ever time frame is given to that life and then it goes back to being matter and energy.

A brilliant thought might be nothing more than the birth of a star reflected in a willing and hungry mind who has been waiting and searching for that very thing for a long time.

Maybe that's what happens when all of a sudden the answer comes, maybe it's just the universe shifting just enough so things become a little clearer and we start remembering a little more about who we really are.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but I have taken to putting this stuff here, because for some strange reason, this place still feels like a very private place out in plain sight.


# 45769

A very good friend of mine is going through something that is tearing her apart. Her sister accused her husband of doing inapproate things with her daughter, which is not possible as I know her husband.
And why did she accuse him, because instead of the phone calls comming through my friends cell phone, they used her husbands phone to talk to their neice.

Pretty stupid reason for accusing somone of doing something they would never do, especially when the distance between the two familys is several thousand miles apart.

It would be more possible for a duck to become a moose than this man to do anything inapproate with any child, let alone his neice.
He's a man of honor. I've known him for over 20 years and there is no way he did anything that he shouldn't have.

My friend is heart broken over her sister's stupidity.
I hurt for my friends, they are more than friends, they are family to me.

I do know what she is going through. Reading the events in her blog tonight, brought back the mess at the farm, and more reciently, the two people who broke my trust this year.
Both of them I helped, and listened to. One of them spent alot of nights crashed on my couch.
I fed both of them.

And both of them turned and ran me through, my trust that is.
When it happens to you, you need people who say they love you to stand up with you, beside you.
When that doesn't happen, the world feels cold and hard.
You get beat up. And there really isn't anything you can do, except ride it out.
In all the times that my trust has been ripped to shredds, the person who says he loves me has left me hanging.

So why do I stay with someone who has left me hanging so often?
I've asked myself that question so many times, and the answer is always the same, so he can see what love that is real looks and feels like.
It finally got to the place where it didn't matter how many times he sided with someone who has thrown crap at me or broken my trust, only to find out later that I was right about the person, that always happens along with the crap that comes first, he has never appoligized for his stand.

He tells me he can't understand why I love him. He's seen me go through so much, much of it has happened and he had a chance to stop it, but didn't.
He tells me he is glad that I love him. And I do.
The option to that isn't a nice thought at all, and I don't want to go there, even with the people who have broken my trust.
I'm not interested in revenge.
I have no desire for anyone to go through the things I did.

Having them be responsible for their actions and admit they did something they shouldn't have would be nice, but with the exception of only one person who broke my trust, the rest haven't.
I don't hold my breath waiting for it to happen.

I go on because that is the only thing I can do. I continue inspite of everything going on in both aftermath of the last two people who broke my trust and now the physical stuff associated with metapause, because somewhere deep inside me I know it will catch up with them.
It will catch up to the man I'm with as well.

And when it happens, I will hear about it. I'm not sure how I will feel about it, but I do know I will hear about it.

As to my friend, time will work it's hand on her heart and she will heal, but it will take time.
In the end she will be ok.
She is a survivor and she is strong, just like me.

This post was edited by harold_maude on May 26, 2008.

Masks and such

# 45768

This morning I woke up with bits of my dreams still clinging
to me, like sheets covered in lines and threads that had some how durring the night, invaded and planted themselves deep.
All while I was sleeping.

It started doing things while I was awake. Immages, loud and quiet started moving in front of my eyes, as it were, I think it's called the third eye.
Anyway, these immages are going all over the place and a few stopped and went further with more of their own sub immages.
Fractile of the brain.

Kind of like a brain freeze when you eat icecream too fast.

Immages of people, and places. The giant who comes into work and keeps trying to get free food from everyone there.
He's a car salesmen by the way.
I know where this guy works and you can bet that if I ever need to buy a brand new car it won't be where he works that I will go to.
The man is constantly trying to get us to give him something.
He wants to take as much as he can.
He's a greedy, sleezy car salesmen. From his behavior when he comes in, I would say he lives his life away from work very similar to how he lives it at work.
I could be wrong, but I don't think so.
Too many ear marks of someone who has filled their live with trying to see someone on a bill of goods with a few hidden extra's tacked on.

After his immage and that discussion faded another was waiting there to take it's place.
A young man I met about 9 months ago. For his own reasons which unfolded just reciently, he decited to target me.
I remember that smile, it was hypnotic and over whelming.
It made me think this kid has a thing for me.

I shrugged it off.

Fast forward to halloween last year. We had our first halloween party. And like with most things that are entertwined in my life, this house knows how many people it can hold comfortably.
Without fail, all night, the house maintained a number of six people.
When one would go, with in minuets there would be a knock at our door.
It was interesting to watch.
Anyway, very early on in the evening, this young man and his girlfriend at that time, showed up.
She was striking and I could understand how he could be so attracted to her.
Then, she opened her mouth.

I thought to myself, she is spoiled, she comes from money, and is a controler.
There were as I found out a few other add on's.

After that, he started comming by himself.
The weeks passed and he was here alot. I found out very early on several key things.
Thinking back on it I realize now that it's a good thing this kid has only had a relativly few years to work with this thing.
Add ten and I would have lost the battle, the war and everything else.
This kid has a natural ablity to hynotise people.
Or he read about it in some magazine and figured out that using it he could get pretty much what he wanted.

When he wasn't here, I was under constant wave after wave of thoughts and feelings that I knew I didn't want.
That's the amazing part about all of this. Everytime that there is a strong attraction to someone, the over powering kind, I seem to know it's not what I need or want.
So I fight it.

And I did that with this. It was not easy to fight it.
If I had let go and given in, there is the very real possiblity that it would have ended up in some kind of twisted romanic involvment.

After two months of this stuff going on, him commming here all the time, he started targeting another girl at work.
Her true nature started to show up, and he started comming here less and less.
The emotional state changed and started slamming into me harder.
I couldn't see clear enough to get a handle on what was going on.

I reacted violently to the emotions. In other words, I was pretty much pissed off most of the month of december.
In my anger, I focused all my energy and all my will and planted her firmly in her home town a couple of hours away, until her children come of age.
She hasn't been able to leave that town since I did that.
She has tried to come back for a visit, but even that fell through.

Thinking back on it, I shouldn't have interfeared. I interfeared for other reasons as well. But I'll not go into thoes right now, what I'm putting out here is already into some pretty deep stuff, and I know that there may be people who read this who are thinking that I've lost my mind or something else like that.

To thoes who are thinking that, I have this to say, the universe is bigger than you can even begin to fathom.
We are more than we are told we are.
I will go into this more, but at a later date.
I don't want to get too sidetracked here.

After this girl departed the picture, he started comming here with more and more regularity.
He was back to what every it was that he was doing before.

The difference being that he started comming later and later at night, to see my honeybunnie.
I started getting the distinct feeling that it was no longer me he was comming to see.
Being a good hostess I would stay up as late as I could and then just go to bed.
I spent most of the time just sitting there, sometimes I would just do art, doodle and draw stuff.
Sometimes I would write about things.

Then about a month ago, he showed up at work to pick up his paycheck.
There were 3 of us there. He walked in the door. I smiled at him, and he looked past me, and walked around the counter and stood face to face with one of the other people and that same smile that was the one I discribed earlier, was being focused on her.
At the same time, the energy ball that hit me was hard and clear, he wanted nothing to do with me.
If I had been the only one who saw this, I would have discounted it as just a lingering effect of what he had been doing for the past 8 months.
But the other person who was not his target saw the same thing I did.
She thought it was really odd that he would react like that to me.

Again it's a good thing that this kid isn't more proficiant in the stuff he does.
I could actually see him using this stuff to control an army.
But he's sloppy, and lazy as well. And as long as that doesn't change, the world is safe, at least from him.

I do know this, unless he stops doing this, he will end up doing it at the wrong time and with the wrong person and then he won't be able to slither away.
It will bite him hard.

If he survives, maybe he will learn some things and change.

He was an education that I am still sorting through.
Learning from it. Going through details and making note of repeater patterns, so I can watch out for them from here on out.

I've also been doing alot of reading in the last few weeks on hpnosis and taking it back to where people actually started reconizing that it existed and started studing it.
I am learning and it's changing how I listen to people, and it's making me more aware. I don't trust people as much as I used to and after the last couple things that happened,
I'm really in a non trust mode.

As all of this unfolded this morning, I began to think about masks.
The kind people hide behind and although I'm not sure what percentage it would be, I'm guessing that the majority of people who wear them, have some secret adjenda or somthing to hide.
I don't want to wear a mask. I have strived to live in this place in a way that what you see is what you get.
An honest existance of being who I really am. I'm working in that direction anyway.
I am learning that in order to keep myself from harm or getting hurt that I have to be wary of almost everyone I meet.
I know there is a balance in there somewhere.

I do think that as I deal with the things that are showing themselves in that need to change, that I won't have anything to protect anymore. Nothing to hide. Nothing for anyone to hook on to and then start taking at will, even when I don't want it.

I'm learning to say no as well. I'm learning about what it is what I truly want, and what I don't want.

Masks are distructive to the person who wears them, but they don't realize that as they keep putting them on.
Masks take energy to maintain, they suck life out of you.
And after all is said and done, they end up falling to peices when the truth finally comes to light, and when that happens it's usually with the people they don't want knowing the truth.

So masks are for the most part, as far as I am concerned, pretty pointless.
The only value that masks have are as symbologies and parts of costumes that are worn for brief periods of time.

They do make great wall art as well.
I'm thinking in their place and proper use they are powerful tools that a person can look to as a mirror for their life.
Maybe in that arena, they are of great importance.

Well, that's about where it's at this morning.

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