harold_maude's journal

Tonight, today, yesterday and several days before that I have been living in extreem pain.
Inspite of the pain, or maybe because of it, I have been trying to focus else where, trying to get lost in things that will keep my mind off of how much pain I'm in.

The pain I'm talking about is due to 6 teeth in my head that are broken.
The last 5 have happened because the stress level in my life of so much change, have been a result of grinding my teeth in my sleep.
The last few days have been filled with moments of searing pain, as I know that there are nerves exposed in some of the broken places.

Inspite of the awesome meditations that I've had here lately, the pain comes back after and is louder than when I went in to meditation.
I have no choice but to go to the dentist.
I have no idea how I will finacially be able to do that since
what I make at my job barely gets me from pay check to paycheck now.
But if I don't go, I will end up not being able to eat and end up starving for lack of being able to eat.

I've been searching for a way to heal my teeth myself, which may sound crazy, but the idea of facing huge bills that will force starvation anyway in favor of having a roof over my head is something that has made me search to find an answer to heal myself.
Besides, I don't like doctors, or hospitals, or dentists.

But after yesterday and the searing pain and again today as I tried to eat very carefully, I realized I have no choice.
I don't know what will happen.
I'm scared of the bills and not being able to take care of them.
But again I have no choice.
My only hope is to find a dentist that will work with me.
This amount of pain added to everything else is nothing short of torture.

Changes in the wind

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# 45748

It's everywhere and I really don't have a clue as to what it all is. Except for the word change. Change brings stress, and from every thing that is happening, it's no wonder that people get so crabby and cranky for no apparent reason.

There is definately a shift in the works. I've been meditating again, and last night was one of the best sessions of meditations I have ever had.
I will do a meditation session again tonight because I need more of what I got last night, namly peace and a place finally where I could just relax.

It's been hard to write lately. Almost painful to try to write, and it's strange.
So maybe meditation will help this too.

I hope so.

Walls walls everywhere I look

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# 45737

Here it is wensday night and life is doing it's thing.
There are alot of things I can't do anything about. Every time I try to figure out a soultion that works, I run into another wall.

The walls are getting to be so many that I'm exausted from trying to figure things out.
I have been struggling not to give in to the massive wall of depression that is trying to smother me.

I'm at a place where I need something really big to show up and help.
I'm a strong person. I've been through alot of personal trials, the last 4 years have had more obsticals that have required me putting my head down as it were and just plowing forward.
What's going on now is no exception.
I am now in need of major dental work, due to what's happening to my bones now that metapause has come to stay for a while. The job I am currantly at doesn't offer any, and to buy for one's self is more than I can afford.
There is a community clinic here, but they arn't accepting new patients unless they are under 18 or are on medicade. I don't qualify for medicade or medicare.
I'm not old enough yet.
What a deal!
So, with my hours dropping by the week and the normal bills that are required so that I can continue to have a roof over my head, and not alot left over for everything else, I really do need a major big thing to show up.

I'm so tired of trying to figure things out. I'm doing my best to keep a good attitude through all of this, but to be honest it's very tempting to just lay down and wait.
I'm really glad that I have private time to just let go and let the tears of frustration fall when there is no one here to see me.
Tears are a good stress reliver, as well as doing the eyes a big favor and washing them.
So I do not appoligize for crying when I need to.

I really do feel like I'm laying under a big pile of rubble and someone just keeps dumping more on top.
It makes going from day to day hard. It makes me want to just do what animals do when they are ready to die.
I can't find a point to trying when all that keeps happening is I keep running into walls.
I can't find a reason anymore as to why things just keep hitting me again and again...
and I'm tired of trying to pick myself up only to get slammed into by something else.

Funny thing is I know things can get worse than they are.
I know they can. I'm hoping for a break or a breather here somewhere.
When I ask for things, they are never over the top, they are just simple things, but it seems that I have to go through so much to get even the simplest things.
...depression birthed out of frustration sucks...

So Beautiful

# 45732

I stand in awe tonight and have been in awe for a few days now, maybe longer, I'm not sure. And in honesty it doesn't matter, the time thing here, it doesn't matter.

I've been looking at fractiles. Hundreds of fractiles. Everyone that I have seen takes my breath away...so beautiful.
A forever thought in visual tangablity.

I want to take each one and swallow it so that it can take me over and make me like it, but then according to all the laws of the universe I am aready there. So are you.
So beautiful as to explain the overwhelming humility I feel when I see them.
I was on my way to work this morning and had trouble keeping my eyes clearly on the road because I was looking at the trees and seeing the universe in them.
I wanted to stop the car and go and stand under any one of them and just look up and not stop looking up.

We are the the immage of stars just in another form. The dirt under your feet holds a universe of possiblity.
If you put some under a microscope and just keep enlarging the immage until it gets so big that you get lost, you would see a vision of sacred geometry.
The same thing would happen if you took some skin and did the same thing.
We are a vision of sacred geometry, so is everything else around us.
We are as a grain of sand in the grand theatre of the universe, yet our thoughts transform us into infinate possiblities, patterns and beauty.
It surges through each one of us, pulling us tord it, tord the forever breath of the universe.
Even if it collapes back to the first thought before it became visible, it will still be what it is and has always been.

Every thought is a possiblity. Every possiblity is a dance of sacred geometry patterning out in fractiles everywhere.
And the thing is about all of it, that we are doing this every day without thinking about it.
We just do it, creating as we go.

now immagine what would happen if we thought with intent to create.
It staggers the mind to think that we are able to tap into what we already do with out thinking about it.
We create life or distroy it with our thoughts, and those thoughts become reality and that reality gives birth to more thoughts and more realities based on thoes thoughts and so on.
We interact with sacred geometry just by our thoughts.
We create patterns with scared geometry just by our thoughts.
We are very powerful but don't realize it.

I'm just now in the last couple of days understanding what this all means.
Anything is now truely possible.

Defining terms

# 45722

It's sunday morning. My head is running on overload again this morning.
When this happens, as it does quite often, I will try to focus on one idea. Kind of ignore the rest of the stuff going on and just focus on one thing and sometimes it helps to get things a bit more focused and generally makes the day a bit easier.

this morning this thought went through my head:
artist: an accomplished master of any given discipline, or acitvity.

A simple definition.
That's what that is. Tear away all the add-on words and that at the bottom of all things that define one notion of what an aritst is.

The Oxford dictonary has, like all dictionaries, a group of pages that give you instructions on how to use the dictionary, a preface, and the tools to help you the searcher and reader understand how to decode the words that are in the dictionary.

I decited to read through this section a few months ago.
I read the story of how the oxford dictionary came into existance.
It is an amazing story.

In the year 1857 there was decision made that all the dictionaries that existed were incomplete due to the fact
that the english language had changed so much that a new dictionary needed to be made.
The first 22 years of collecting definitions produced almost two tons of little 4x6 inch peices of paper with a single word on it and a definition of that word.
That's alot of little yellow peices of paper.

In 1878 it was decited that a 4 volume 6400 page work would
be completed in ten years.
Ten years to organize and sort and edit and spell check almost two tons of little yellow peices of paper.
I'm not sure that would be a job that I would want.

To skip ahead to the end here are the statistics about this book called the oxford dictionary:

It was finally completed in 1928.
It was bound in 12 large volumes
contianed 15,487 pages defining 414,825 words
with 1,827,306
supporting and illustrative quotations from Anglo-Saxib tunes to the twenthieth century.
There was a 127 miles of typeset material.
The whole thing took 70 years to complete.

This and a whole lot more is written in a brief history of how the oxford english dictionary came into existance.
The numbers alone stager the mind.
How can so many words exist and yet many times it's so hard to define what we want to say?

That's amazing, that even after that many words sometimes finding the right one never seems to happen.
Enter the thesaurus.
That cool book that helps you make up your mind what word would be good to use to help you get your meaning across.
It's awesome, but in the currant existing languages spoken in
this country alone, the different dialects that exist in this country, not to meantion how many other countries with how many varried language dialects and meanings to thoes spoken languages, it's really hard to know if they have the same definition of a particular word as you do as their main definition.

All this leads me to believe that Terrence was right about our need to find a different way to communicate with each other so we can actually understand each other.

There are languages that I listen to, the words are in english, but understanding them has proven difficult.
When I hear people speak strings of words back and forth, I watch the body language as the conversation goes on.

There are whole expressions of body movments that accompany the spoken word.
And there is a term that someone came up with to define all of this: Ebonics.
And from what I was told as a definition of what ebonics is, I gathered that it is a mixture of words that orignally started as a seperate language group among african groups in this country and then mixed with the melting pot of languages called americanese, that's seems a good term for what is spoken in this country.

It occured to me that we all have our own personal language in additon to all of the above.
I have no idea how many languages actually exist right now.
Is it any wonder that we have trouble communicating clearly?

It seems a right of passage almost for a generation to create it's own language as well.
Trying to bridge the generation gap might be better said this way: trying to bridge the language gap and the language barriers.
The previous generations find themselves in this situation,
they must learn the new language in order to be understood by the group that created and is speaking the lanugage.
New pages are written in memory and I would guess that someone somewhere is writing this stuff down so that it becomes the written expression of definitions for the new language.

I'm not sure how long it would now to make yet another version of a common , common meaning used by all who use linguistic expressions to communicate ideas, dictionary.
With computer technology probably not very long relativly speaking.
With the ablity to take photographs to act as a support for the definitions, it would be a very large set and number of books.
It would be huge.

It boggles the mind.
but I think it probably needs to be done. Just so that at least there is some kind of record of the evolution of language.

gonna stop here.

Metapause madness

# 45719

I'm writing this tonight because maybe someone who needs to hear what this feels like so that they can understand themselves with it hits or they can maybe gain a different perspective when someone they love is going through it.
Every woman experiences it differently, but all women do go through it, there is no escape.
And for better or worse, the men they are with go through it by vertue of being with a woman who is going through it. I hope that made sense.

I've been living with this for almost a year now.
The last couple of months things have gotten harder all the way around.
Up until tonight when I talked to my best friend who went through this early in life due to nessiary surgery, I believed that because I am allergic to synthic hormones that anything containing a horome effecting or generating substance was off limits for me, in short I was condemmed to ride this ride without help.
I'm doing research and hopefully there will be something I can take that will help.

In light of this place, I decited to write this.

Metapause Madness

Somedays I feel like my mind is already left home
without me.
somedays I feel like the equator disolved inside me and is radiating out into the world from my guts.
somedays I want to leave everything behind and go off
like animals do when they are ready to die.

I feel like I need to appoligize for sounding like my mind has
taken a headder.
What I know about this place:
It feels strange, off the wall and for get lunch.
It's physically and emotionally draining and exausting.
To make it harder I have extreem allergies to hormone replacement.
I'm wading through information and trying to keep a clear head while doing it.
My sense of humor is becomming cynical and biting now.
My patients is thin.
And I'm exausted.
this can last for up to 10 years.
10 years. A life sentence if it were behind bars.

some hours are like being thrown into a thick fog bank and yet I have to keep going and keep working because if I don't it will get worse, I'll be living on the streets.
Even though I'm with someone who says they love me and really does try their best to show it, that does not mean that they will ever see the need to take care of me at all.
That is the reality that does exist.
Yeah you heard right, there are no gaurentees baby.
Never. You just accept that things are ok for right now, and hope that who ever says they want to walk with you isn't just blowing smoke out of their ass.

I know people who are in reasonable health, years away from anything like this who are living like me.
Both men and women people, not just women, but men as well.
( I bet you thought I was going to tell you that men never have to deal with shit like this.)
It's a hard place to live.

If you've never had to go through this in any way shape or form, condsider yourself blessed.
If your with someone who genuinely loves you, i.e. wants the best for you and has proved that by how they live and if they stay and if they support you when the shit hits the fan in your life, that no one avoids completely.
Somewhere and at sometime the shit will hit the fan.

You'll know at that time how much you mean to another person when you become something resembling an unfixable you, and still they stay and step up to the plate so you can stop long enough to help yourself uninterupted. Give you grace to find your way at the very least.
That's how you'll know.

When I write here I try hard to keep my private life just that, private, the kind of private that only a few people know about.
This place for me is not about ranting or rejoicing about my private life, this is a place that I have the illusion of a secret world that no one bothers.
I know in reality that some people at some point read this stuff that I ramble on about.
But the illusion persists.
I like some of my illusions. I like my private dreams too, where everything is better all over.
Where I am ok all over the board and I'm doing everything just right and every peice of work is a masterpeice of living art.
Not for the purpose of parading around like some kind of self asborbed peacock, but for the very sake of being able to create my best everytime I go to create.

In my dreams I'm strong all the time. Impervious to everything that can distroy the soul or mind.
I'm doing a job that is designed for me so it never ever feels like work.
I never get depressed or have to find a soultion to any more problems.
This is ok to put out there too.
I'm sure it won't offend anyone.

That's another thing that keeps happening, I find myself doing things that seem to offend people and it's not like I'm planning to offend them, I just end up doing that very thing.

In this place where everything is crumbling at one speed or another, nothing feels solid.
And there is this voice in my head that keeps telling me how lazy I am and to work harder, how wrong it is of me to expect mercy and how wrong it is to need rest or to expect anything good because I don't deserve it....my life keeps reflecting that last part. Over and over.
I must have been a real asshole in some past life to feel this way and keep experiencing it.
It has gotten better, there was a couple year run back a couple of years ago that it seemed that anytime I was given something good, on the heels of that came some kind of bad crap to beat me up.
It got to the point where I was scared to accept any kind of gift, I was sure that something was waiting to slamm into me...
and it kept doing just that.
For at least two years it went that way.

Now, I cling to hopes. They are anchors for me now.

I really must have been a monster in some past life...
and I appoligize with all my breath for being an asshole or monster or what ever.

I work to keep my focus now days. since all drive to accomplish is becomming dust, more and more, it's sheer determination that keeps me going...mind over screaming matter.
The end result is that I am close to just stopping completely and letting everything in my life crash as much as it needs to or as much as I deserve and just lay there and take what ever is comming and close my eyes and just let it roll over me.

That's how I feel most days anymore.

I've been reading stuff to try and find my answers and what my body needs to help myself.

on some level I see this as a kind of right of passage.
Maybe I'll get a tatoo to mark the seasons of this place.
One for each place of dissasembly that I can get a clear handle on.

I feel like a stranger to me. I'm fighting as best as I can to keep a grip on things.
I have no choice. I have to.

This place makes all the flaws I have known for years loud and annoying.
When the hot flashes come I want to rip my skin off. It's gotten so bad that I have come close to passing out from the heat that my body is generating.
My thoughts go fuzzy and I feel like I've become stupid.
Sometimes it makes me feel intoxicated.
It doesn't respect anything about me or the fact that I work for a living.
It doesn't give a rat's left foot if I'm using sharp tools at work.
My concentration is shit most of the time anymore.

I keep my tears at bay as best as I can. They like to come with no warring.
I feel like a painting that is melting and morfing.

I'm genuinely not ok.
I want to be ok.
But the truth is that for a while at least I'm not ok.

This post was edited by harold_maude on Apr 20, 2008.

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