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So much fun! Doing laundry at the laundry matt when you have almost no soap left, courtsy of our friend who broke the washer, yes he took it upon himself to use almost an entire bottle of laundry soap that I bought...thank you so much!
And not alot of money left either since this was somthing not planned for when I got paid last time.
If I ever see this person again I will in fact hand him the bill for the washer, the soap and all the trips to the laundry matt as interst on his bill.
Come to find out he had laundry facilities at his house...so why come to do it at my house?
What a jerk!!!!!
That's all I could think about when I was there this morning.
All I wanted to do was scream.
It doesn't help that last night all night I kept falling asleep only to run into nightmears that were world disaster in nature.
What a fun night!
I got about 2 full hours of sleep last night.
I'm not a happy camper today because on top of it, I found out that once again I'm over drawn at the bank.
How that happened I'm not sure, but I am determined that it's not going to happen again.
I feel like I'm caught in some kind of dark whirl pool at the moment and things arn't clear at all.
So, all I can do right now is figure out what kind of money is needed to fix everything.
It takes money to fix stuff in this world and the way things keep going that stuff, money, isn't going to be worth anything more than something to line the bottom of a bird cage with soon.
It would be nice if things got straightened out quickly, but that's a nice dream right now.
Over the last several months a certian activity has been on the increase. And since this is the most sane place to put anything I need to pull apart and write about here is where it gets put.
Not in a private place because I have found when searching the deep emotional states that we all have, very often someone will find it and not understand what is going on.
Wrong interpretations on any level can be quite disasterous.
So, it gets put here.
Just a note before I start, I really appreciate that this place is still here. It is my santuary in plain sight.
That's what I need right now.
Ok. How to go about this? I did think about putting this into the phillosophy or science forum, but it's hardly clear enough for me to try to figure it out, and if I'm the one looking at it and am having a hard time discribing it to me, then how am I going to say in words something that someone else will understand?
The human language is a real problem sometimes. It would be wonderful if we were all covered with little receptor sites that when anyone wanted to get a hold of you they would just send a little line of light and it would connect and you would instantly understand what they are saying from their point of view, no filters that you have in the way to keep you from getting the message loud and clear.
That would be wonderful. The receptor sights would have to have some kind of accept or decline mode so that we wouldn't be going crazy from hearing everyone on the planet talking and feeling all at once.
That's what brings me to what is going through my head tonight.
Over the several of months I have noticed something that is getting more pronounced.
It's this, the best discription I have for it is that I will be doing something and all of the sudden I will start feeling something in a certian part of my body and it's very acute in nature, kind of like a buzzer telling me someone is on the line so to speak, and I start going through the lists of people I know and when the person it's connected to comes up it gets very loud and sharp. If a physical feeling can be classified as loud and sharp.
So I start thinking about that person and immages start going through my head. Then there are the emotions that start up.
Thoes are real buggers because since this is so new relativly speaking, I'm still having trouble knowing what's me and what isn't.
I end up watching and waiting and with in 2 to 3 days tops it's confirmed that yes, they were the person on the line.
This is strange place to be in. I would love to talk to someone who has had this kind of thing going on for years and knows what I'm talking about and can help me get some kind of handle on the full scope of it.
There is the friend who is pregnant and everytime she is on the line the bottom of my rib cage feels pressure. Not bad pressure, but like being wrapped in a towel.
Another person when they are stressed out I feel it in the left side of my jaw, they usually show up with in a couple of hours.
I'm not sure what all this is. But it makes me wonder if some of the dreams I have that I see people doing things in, people that I know and it makes me feel things is the same kind of thing. Just in dream format.
What I'm feeling is hard to seperate from the emotional states that accompany all of this.
That's part of the reason I am very sure that I have been so exasuted over the last couple of months, that and the weather on top of it.
..well that and a whole lot of things that never seem to ever change....
This is what I'm going through in this arna again tonight, it lasts roughly an hour, what I'm going to discribe, and then it lifts off.
I will be doing what ever and all of a sudden I get extreemly cold, and it becomes waves of cold deep chills.
What this has signified so far is that something bad is going to happen, something that will blow things up, and generally make a huge mess.
the closer to the event, sometimes I get immages as it progresses, but they don't really make sense until after the even happens, and with in a day or two it gets so intense that I get physically ill.
That usually lasts about 24 hours and then goes back to the intense cold chills.
I've tried to focus on who this is concerning this time, this is day two of this happening.
The last time it was almost 4 months before the event happened.
I got a couple of weeks break and now it's started last night again.
The last time it was just located between my shoulders and knees.
This one is my whole body. That scares me.
To add to this my lower left jaw is on fire, that comes with two people I know.
The emotional state that I have been experiencing for the last few hours before the cold chills came is varying degrees of anger, everything from cold caculated anger, to full out to the edge red.
The problem is right now with trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do with it.
Some of the anger could be from the thing with the washer still screaming around inside.
Some of it could be related to the frustration I feel about things that arn't changing that need to and have no reason that is logical why they haven't yet.
So I really don't know.
In liu of not having an old sage handy, if there is one here, please come out where ever you are....I've started searching the net for information related to this, because I really am going a little crazy on this one.
I need to understand what this is and what I'm suppose to be doing with it, and what I have to do to get better recption and maybe some dialog inclued in that list.
So there it is.
This morning, Saturday March 15, 2008, is something that comes today. Not tomorrow, not all the days before it.
When you think about it, there are some pretty amazing things about that truth. The only day of it's kind in human history, time bends to this day and stays here until 12:00 midnight and at 12:01 it will be another unique day in human history.
So, here I am, just as everyone else is in this unique once in a life time place. Pretty awesome. An event that will occur only here only now.
Each minuet that passes into the annals of history, a minuet that becomes forever after just a memory, is now.
But what if time is something other than just what we are preciving it to be? That is the question that has driven my thoughts about time for a very long time. :)
We are just sojourners, very often without realizing that we are.
We are only temporary visiters to this place.
We do not remain the same person either physically, or any other way your beliefs have settled for you or posed as the truth.
What ever they may be, it doesn't change the fact that we are just passing this way. And today is something that won't be here again.
After now it just becomes fact, history, something to be forgotten or remembered, depending on how impacting the events are that collide with you on the road forward.
We are the magical mystery tour of humantity. All of us. The odd duck if you believe we are the only senient beings that exist and are able to make choice and do according to our choice.
If you believe we are not alone, we may not be able to precive the others that exist with us in this universe, than you may have at some point wondered what all the different perceptions that every other being is having about us.
Sometimes I wonder if we are just like them in more ways than our bounderies and comfort zones will allow us to accept as truth.
I wonder about that stuff. Maybe the reason why I spend so much time thinking, because all these strange what if's and why not's keep showing up and messing with my head.
I don't often think about the past anymore, in fact sometimes I have trouble remembering the past.
I know that is existed, and things happened, but living there is not what I want, so I would make a guess and say the reason this stuff can find a voice in my head is because there is room for it in my head.
This morning I was working on a new sculpture, putting the peices together that will be covered in paper mache and then painted and then sealed, this stuff takes time to get done because of the drying and curing time in between each new layer of paper or color or sealant, so there is time to ponder while playing with the stuff.
And this morning as I was doing that, I was thinking about yesterday and all the events that led up to what happened, and I did remember something he said a few weeks ago, that it was hard for him to leave once he got here.
This place for everyone who comes here, ends up being a place where they can just let go and really and truely relax.
It happened to him too, but he just wouldn't go home when the need to lay down and just go to sleep hit him.
I see the same thing with everyone who comes here, they come in stressed or angry or sad and in just a little while, they start yawning. It gets contagous. After a bit, they need to go home and get some sleep.
And they sleep well and peaceful when they leave here.
I think he was getting addicted to it.
I thought about everything that's happenen since the first of the year. The loss of another friend, he left his body because it was his time to.
All the people who came to work where I do and failed and fell apart and left, in a very short amount of time.
The other friends I have that are falling apart and doing stupid things now, things based completely on emotions that are going to end up costing them things that maybe arn't so good to loose.
The changes at work, which have been numerous since the beginning of the year, and the state of exaustion that everyone seems to be suffering under.
I can't do anything about any of that. I can't take back anything or stop the series of events that follow other events.
They are now just encapsulated moments of history.
Just like this will be when I post it.
Sometimes I wonder if the whole idea of what we get when we get what we get, (say that 50 times and see if your tongue hurts)
is based on what shit brakes and how much is falling apart.
Maybe it's all just one big lottery that none of us have any access to. We are just part of it.
These thoughs have to do with my washing machine breaking down.
A couple of weeks ago it was the water freezing and to make sure we had water again, the land lords kindly decited to have it done, and then told me about it.
I paid the bill.
A friend who has of the last few months become somewhat of a moochie pest is leaving town tomorrow and came to use the washer and dryer.
Well, like alot of people out there he overloaded the washer and broke it.
As soon as he realized what he had done, he left, then I found it. He never said shit about it, didn't appoligize or offer to help get it fixed.
Really nice guy.
This is the same guy who has crashed here several nights.
We have had long talks about much...and then he turns into this needy mooch that doesn't seem to think about what he's doing.
I'm glad he's leaving town. Hope he stays gone for a very long time.
I don't understand it. I'm generous with much and all that seems to happen is that the people who I am generous with turn on me and become a problem.
So I end up having to basicly kick them out of my house.
I'm not made of money, and shit costs money.
This happened out at the farm with one of the roommates, the one who is still there from when we were there, he used our laundry soap, never bought groceries but was more than happy to eat the food I would buy and everything else that has to go into running a house hold.
Maybe I should have titled this once again around another mulberry bush...
Now, until I can figure out how to budget for a washer, I'm doing the wash by hand in the tub.
At least work clothes. The rest I can take to the nearest laundry mat this weekend.
Oh joy! more work added to the list.
I'm sooooo happy that I get to do this...
I'm trying to have a sense of humor about all of this, but all I want to do with these folks that end up taking my generousity to mean that I think it's ok if they just start using me until what and when ever, is beat the crap out of all of them with a very large stick.
That's how I'm feeling right now.
I love my generous nature. But it would seem that being generous is a bad thing to do in this world, or at least this town.
I don't want to become some hard bitch with a steel blade for a toungue.
What is the point of that? I'd end up getting ripped up by karma for being like that, but I'm not sure what else is left as an option.
These people don't listen, by the way, so talking to them, which I have, is a pointless activity.
Ah well, enough bitching for one night...I gotta figure out how to deal through this.
The sun came out again today. We are dancing around the idea of spring.
It's warmer today, but this being south dakota, I don't trust it.
It may drop tonight into that artic dance once again and my brain will scream "not another brain FREEZE PLEASE!
So we will see. Someone said this winter is going to be the warmest of this 100 year span...I can't seem to spell centuray or is it centuery anyway, I just put 100 year span.
My spelling is horrible.
I've spent time reading the dictionary here and there, I should do that more.
Round and round this mulberry bush of should haves and need to's.
It gets long and longer.
I should have titled this one something like add to add on to, and repeat as often as you think.
I'm that exausted from a whole lot of things. Winter is at the top of the list.
I used to want to see if I could weather a year in Alaska because I wanted to see if I was as strong as the people who do.
Well, after living in the bowling ally for extreem weather for a while now, I still want to visit but durring the time of year that there is both dark and light.
I'm not of a mind to go to live there anymore.
With winter still messing about round here, I'm getting fidgety to start my little garden.
The vegies I picked out are cool, now I have to send away for them.
IF it does good my garden as little as it will be, about 15 buckets little, will be cool colored food. I'm getting sweet corn that starts out steel blue and then when you cook it it goes jade.
I'm planting purple carrots and red and white beets and little baby mellons. And then there is the tom thumb peas.
I'm getting some black russian tomatoes or maybe green zebras,
that is undecited right now, I want tomatoes I love them,
but I have such small space to work with that I can only get one type this year.
Where all these cool seeds come from is a place called "Seed Savers". I know they have a web site.
I've seen gardens done in everything from a series of old boots to a couple of washing machines and one toilet and then there are the bath tubs turned flower beds.
It's a good way to do something in a fun different way.
This year mine will be in buckets.
i want to get dirty in the mud now please....
Well, the weekend was fun. I spent two days going through stuff and trying to figure out how to do what with everything that I was trying to put in order.
I wonder if you could make a tounge twister out of that?
Anyway, along with all the stuff I ran across some more peices of writing that are pages long and stopped to read one and it occured to me that maybe I should just start writing short stories about what ever.
You know the kind, once upon a time, last week about 3:15 p.m. there was a shadow on the wall that fell off and became the solar powered monster that ate concrete or something like that.
I used to do that, have someone pick something and then tell them a 2 or 3 minuet off the top of my head story.
The kids love it and keep asking for another story.
I can't remember how many I've told or what most of them were, but the point is that it's fun and everybody has a good time because no body has any idea where any of it will end up.
So, I'm thinking this would be a good place to work on that end of things.
I found most of the early BPC stuff. I love the one with rudoph sitting down holding a bra. The caption says this:
"Rudlpoh was rather puzzled by the gift from santa this year"
I've made the decision that I do need to get a scanner so that I can at least get the peices of work on to cd at least and then go from there. It also means that I can put some of them on here and see how they look.
Up, up and away, kind of the super duck thing going on, I was going to say superman but he's already been done and has his own status as a comic book icon, so it's superduck. Or maybe super ducktape?
The stress goes up and the humor comes out. It helps.