harold_maude's journal

The last thing I wanted to do

# 40631

Another poem, differnt time, different place...but still..

I close my eyes
only to find you filling my entire field of view
Shouldn't have fallen in love with you
It was the last thing I wanted to do
I only wanted to be your friend
to be there when everyone else left
to be the one who would always listen
not judge anything you said
but inspite of all my determination
I woke up this morning in love with you
now my delema is so clear
do I tell you?
Do I take the risk of losing you as a friend
so I can have you as my love?
With you, I don't know if both is possible.
Don't quite know what to do
I'd love to talk to you about it
If only I wasn't in love with you
I know you'll see it in my eyes
you know me so well
our friendship runs so deep
we've shared so much more than most lovers do
how am I gonna hide that I'm in love with you
wish I could tell you, I really do
I wish I was in love with someone other than you.

Just for you

# 40630

I wrote this poem a few years ago. I was thinking about my childhood.
My mother wasn't an achololic, but she was angry, all the time.
Mostly at my father.

I'm standing on my head
just for you
singing the blues
just for you
making tomato soup
just for you
blowing bubbles
just for you
coloring pretty and staying in the lines
just for you
Mommy don't you see
why do you ignore me
tell me you love me
then act like I'm not here
making pretty snowflakes
just for you
making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
just for you
getting good grades in school
just for you
when they ask me about the bruises
I tell them I just fell down
making you valentine's cards
with lots of pretty hearts
just for you
hiding the cuts and brusises
just for you
making sure my socks match
just for you
making tea
just for you
doing the dishes
just for you
It's ok mommy I know your sick again
I'll be real quiet, I'll be good
just for you

A day in autumn, a story in poetic form

# 40626

On a tree lined path I found myself, one ordinary day.
With dreams and wishes that hadn't found their way
past the rooms where blue and red are fighting over who gets the cornflakes first
or the hall where the dust dancing in the air
resembles glitter in the morning sun.
The last clinging bits of autumns laughter hung lightly in the air
waiting for winter to yawn and come fully awake.
The grass now stopped still locked in summer conversation
with the memories of laugher
that flows from lovers skin.
My feet well hidden in thick warm socks
behind the prisions of shoes
built for adventure and wandering
spoke up and asked
"Can we see this wonderland of change and dying things?"
I felt the question rise up
and escape through the holes in my laces.
I thought why not?
What could the cold upon my feet do
that people haven't done to my heart?
So right there in that deserted place
where the trees were falling asleep too
I sat on that grass where lovers had laid
and freed my feet and gave them air
right then and there.
"Oh my, but it's cold"
They said in their lingering warmth.
"But the view is spectacular
so different from summer"
I wiggled my toes and spread them as wide as they would go.
They yawned and smiled at me
simply because they could.
The biggest one on each foot took a long look around
and said with wisdom befitting the strongest
"We would go wandering, except the grass seems not so inviting now"
The baby toes in unison said as they tried to get as close to their sibling
"We can't stay out here too long, or our heads will freeze"
I smiled down and brushed them softly
over the blades of grass
they giggled and squirmed and smiled as only feet can.
I gently put my socks back on
and then my shoes at last.
I heard them and felt them as they snuggled in so tight
and laughter among the group
as they talked ever so softly.
"We've seen the time of change, and all that it could mean.
It's something wonderous and magical about that place
and if it wasn't so cold, we would have loved to go exploring"
Nodding all, in gathered agreement
they settled down to the rythem of my walking.
Down the path
through the trees
to dreaming will I go.
And when sleep upon my pillow comes
the memory will linger still
of how free my feet and toes were
even for just a moment
to taste the air of autumns last breath
on a path less traveled.
Where trees are waiting
and grass with it's summer dreaming.
Where forever lays just ahead.


?% | 1

# 40614

As it closes in on the month of December, there have been many changes that have taken place here.
The death of little annie last night was the epitomy of a picture of what this place has become.

There is no life here anymore. It feels like a tomb now. No room for anything but this anal bastard and his need to control and his emotional state depleteing any and all life here.

That aside, there are going to be changes here and I've made some decisions as to what I will and will not do anymore.
The issue has been forced, and now because when I tried to tell anyone about what I was feeling and was ignored, and brushed off, it came to a head the other night when I exploded.

The decisions are as follows: I will not cover anyone financially anymore.
If what we are doing is trying to keep the landlord happy, then all rent has to be there by the first of the month.
For months I have been gracious and covered people who were having trouble making it because they can't properly manage their own finances.
I would have to go to the landlord every month and give him excuses to cover people, so we could continue living here.
That is stopping.

If there is a problem, they will go to him and explain for themselves.
I won't do it anymore.
I will not be a sounding board for anyone here at the house anymore.
I've done it in the past for anyone in need of it and when they were done, my time had been eaten up.
No more, now if someone wants advise they will pay me for my time.

I've bought groceries, laundry soap, shampoo and toilet paper which everyone has used, but only one other person ever occasionally replaced.
That stops now too.
I will not do it anymore.

I've been very generous in nature, simply because I wanted everyone here to be able to have some kind of relief and a place where they could just relax without extra stress...
Well, no one listened as I was being drained and pushed to the wall by this guy.

So, I'm done. I've reached the limit of my kindness with these people.
I don't care how they react. I'm not doing it anymore.
For one person in particular who has taken advantage repeatedly with several things, he's the same person who brought this guy into the house, this is going to throw a huge wrench into the wringer for him.
I don't give a shit.

I tried to do everything I could to get this guy to back off, and now, because no one was listening, what is about to happen is going to probably tear things apart completely.
So be it.

I've held things together for people, while going through stress as to whether or not I would end up getting charged an overdraft from my bank, and a couple of months I did, but didn't ever say anything, simply because it was just one more thing.

I'm done doing that. I've begun to see that with some people when you try to do things to help all they do is keep taking without anythought of what it's doing to the other person.

So the consequences are comming home to roost.
And as some might say, it's about time.
I agree completely.

Requiem for Annie

?% | 2

# 40613

Last night when we got home, I found Annie dead on our bed.
She was laying there and I went to pick her up and she was cold.
My heart shattered at the loss of this precious kitten.

We tried so hard to help her survive, to grow and thrive, but unfortunately our best wasn't good enough.
I don't know how or what else we could have done.

So this is in her honor.

Tiny baby
crazy fur
eyes looking up
so big
so honest
paws on my face
as if to know
it's me.

Sitting on my shoulder
purring with your all
you loved me
in honesty
with all you were.

A fighter from the start
but it wasn't enough
to make a difference
to keep you alive.

I only knew you three months
your bones
always close to the surface
I could feel them
with every move.

It's your heart
I will miss the most
how you'd run
as fast as you could
and fly up my leg
purring hello.

Your sister calls
and your not there
maggie wanders
looking for you
me too.

Brave soul
pure heart
you found your way in
and stayed only a little while.
Your free now
and as you travel
where time and pain
can ever touch you again.
In your travels
where ever you go
please do something for me
when you see Daisy
say hello.

I miss you...

In memory of little Annie.
September 2005 - November 18, 2005

Ok lets try this again....

?% | 1

# 40560

Ok...Here we go again




crosses fingers. Toes and closes eyes and presses post...

jumping up and down...it worked! yea! doing the happy dance that I figured out how to do it...

This post was edited by harold_maude on Nov 17, 2005.

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