harold_maude's journal

Life lessons

# 40230

Several years ago, I met a woman who came into my life to teach about the heart.
She was this incredible amazing person who changed my life by the things she taught me.
I was starving to understand so many things at that point in time, that when she showed
up I was like this hungry little sponge who wanted to keep this prize to myself.

She, being who she was and where she was at in her own journey, understood where I was
and understood what I would go through because of what her presence did to my world.
Thinking back, I'm greatful that the messanger was a woman, if it hadn't been things
could have ended up in a very tangled mess.

Durring the year that I got to spend under her teaching I experienced the following emotional
states: jealousy, anger, fear, and pride and some other bits and peices of things that made me
face things about myself that I had never delt with before.

Durring that year this is what I learned: that everything in life that we come face to face
with is a test.
It is designed to show us what's really in our heart, and no matter how much we deny it,
or try to avoid it, there it is.
Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it's nasty and ugly, and makes us feel like monsters.

She watched me as I went through things. And her words to me were always so powerful
as to strike deep into thoes places that needed to be exposed and delt with.
There were times that I was such an emotioal mess, in a state of confusion that it was almost
impossible to make sense of anything let alone function in any way besides feeling like
I was continually going sideways.

I learned to explore my motives. And I learned that very often why I was doing somthing
had more to do with self than anything else.
Thoes things needed to be adressed.
And I realized that what ever I do, my motives must be of the best intent.

She passed on the gift of this knowledge to me so that I could be more than I was.
I didn't understand at the time that this was part of the responsiblity that came with the gift.

There are things in the human heart that hide out. We feel them, and react to them
and have no idea why we do or feel the way we do.
They are there. Passion. Pride. Anger. Lust. Greed. Fear. and a whole host of other
things that hide out.
Good things. Love. Compassion. Mercy. Kindness. Honor. Those are there too.

To know you have an ablity, there is often guilt if you say you have this thing.
And that's because it's hard to keep pride from taking over and making us believe we
are the be all end all.
You see it in actors all the time.
They have this gift. And it goes to their head because people reconize it and make a huge deal
and it feels so good, it gets way out of control, and then you've got this person who
is so arrogant that they become this prima donna that is hard to live with.

The talent is still there, it's part of who they are.
But the issues of pride, and all it's stuff has never been delt with inside their heart.
It ususally takes something devistating to bring them back to solid ground.

I know who I am. I know what I am capable of. Both wonderful and not so good.
I know that if I step into anything destructive that is in my heart, my emotions
that the end result is going to be bad.
It will take life.

I know that I'm capable of jealousy. I know I'm capable of pride. I know I'm capable
of lust. I know I'm capable of anger. And greed as well.
I know that thoes things exist in the human heart. They are the things we war against
through out our entire lives.
Unfortunately, that's part of being human.
I wish I could say that once you conquor thoes things they never return.
But I can't.

I also know I'm capable of wonderful things. Things that bring life. But in knowing that
I have to be on constant gard against pride taking over and taking me places I definately
don't want to go.

I have gifts that have been given to me for this jorney. Gifts that I can't take any credit for
or say with any kind of ownership that opens the way for pride or any of the other things
that I have to keep in check.
And knowing that is a good thing.
It helps to keep my perspective straight.

Because of this I know I'm only a caretaker of the gifts I've been given, and that includes
the gift of art and all that means.
I know it takes me to places and makes things make sense that nothing else does.
It's safe for me to dance in that place because it's a wonderful place.
A place where life is for me.
A place that no human can take away from me or tell me that I have no right to be in.

But I know also it's not mine. I have no ownership of it. It has to be passed on, so that
it can do and continue to do what it is designed to do.
That's part of the requirements of being part of it.
Other requirements of this place include growing in it, learning as much as possible,
and exercising the tools as I'm given them.
This place makes teachers of people. And thoes teachers are simply guides to help
others find their way.
That's all.

Now in this world we all live in, the reality of it is that it is designed to take away
immagination or at least control it to serve the machinery of greed and lust and ultimately
it's design is to enslave people.
To take away their freedom to be who they were ment to be.

Because the world of art, and creativity is so powerful, it's dangerous to that.
So, in an attempt to stop that power, this world we live in has set about working tord
immoblizing the human race.
People don't believe they are creative. People are sucked into mindless places that make
them as dependant as an addict to a deadly drug.
They arn't free. They become lemmings. They become enslaved to a job or jobs that take
their time and their life.
And the long this goes on the less they are capable of believing that they are anything more
than what they are right now.
They can't believe that there is anything inside them that is so magnificant as to be capable
of changing the world around them.

There are thoes however, that have managed to either get free or stay free from this
strong hold of the world.
They live in this place of intense creativity that is so powerful that it flows through them
like fire.
They may not understand completely what it's about, but they know that's the one place
that feels absoulty right.

And very often they feel completely alone in that place. That is the nature of existing in
a world that wants to control you and living at the same time in a place that gives you freedom.

I don't know if I would understand so completely what I do know, if that woman
had not come into my life and taught me the things she did.

It took alot of falling on my face and alot of mistakes along the way to finally get to
where I work hard to live at.
But I'm here now. And that's what is the most important thing of all.

Lessons in life

# 40225

There are times that come to a person's life that present times of decision that will change
the course of their life.
What ever that decision is will determine an outcome.
But the decision is ours alone to make.
And the consequences of that decision is what we end up owning.

I admire people who think about the decison and base their choices on the best senerio possible.
I wish I could be more like that.
I also wish that when certian things come in my life that I had the gift of forsight
so that I could make decisions based on what was the best and most honorable thing to do,
rather on what I believe is best.
That would save me alot of pain.

The view sometimes of a much bigger picture and knowing at least impart, what is
the most important thing sometimes causes me to act without thinking about anything
but wanting to see people walk where they are ment to.
If I had forsight, much of what I say or do wouldn't be said or done at all.
I would remain still, and keep what I see and what I'm shown to myself.

It might seem cruel to watch a person struggle and be in pain because they have trouble
figuring things out, things that are there for them, waiting until they get past what
ever obsticles are keeping them from where they need to be,
but if you knew that by telling them what you see that it would be like exploding
their comfort zone to peices, and really messing with their head,
wouldn't it be far better to let them get their with out anything from you?

That's what I'm looking at now. And right now, I'm wishing I'd had the forsight
to know that what I did would end up doing what it did.

I try to tred lightly, when it comes to people. Most people are going along on a road.
They are completely unaware of who they are inside, and what gifts they hold,
and how much their lives are capable of impacting the rest of the world.

A simple example of that is this, how often do you see a person throwing something
out a car window and don't really think about what it is that they are doing,
or the long term effect it will have.

We just don't live life like that. We like to feel at ease, and comfortable.
We like to believe that we have a place, and we often wish things that remain wishes
and dreams, but never believe anything beyond that.
Let alone take all that we fear and ignor it long enough to do anything with it.

I know there are times that what I do or say makes people back up and think
they've run into someone who is so far out to lunch that they forgot that lunch
exists.
I sometimes scare people when I say things. So I try hard to keep what I say
in a context that at least it can be heard.
Sometimes, time is an issue with me, and so I just lay it out there.
But I'm finding that by doing that, the choice is not so good.

So here I am. With the end result of what I tried to do. And having made poor
choices as to how to do what I believe is required by the gifts that I have been given
I'm left with the responsiblity and consequences of failing.

It's not the first time that I've done something that I believed was the right thing
to do and had it end up going wrong.
I'm learning very quickly that I must be very careful about what I say, and how
I say it so as not to cause damage to anyone in anyway at all.

It's always been my heart in doing what I do, to want what I do to be the best.
That would bring life and not take it.
Someday maybe I'll figure out how that's done, and then I won't have to go through
this again.
I can only hope.

A letter to Majic

# 40207

Hello Magic,

This letter is for you.
It's a journal post, but I realized as I wrote it, that it was going to end up being a letter to you.
So here goes:

Since there have been problems as of late with trying to get into e-mail that gets stopped.
It seems to be caught in the threads of some loop that opens a page of something that looks
like it's being hijacked, I haven't been able to get into it at all.
That's why I now write off line instead of here.
Then I copy and paste it here.

There are a couple of problems, one of them is this computer needs new ram. It's been causing
cascading words to just show up, and goes into a cycle of going on and off.
Looks like it's gone nuts as well.

The art is still in existance. I was reminded by 3 people that it's still there. I have the knowledge
and the skill to keep doing.
I spent sometime last night talking to one of my sisters, who is also an empath.
What that is, for thoes who are not familiar with that, is it's a gift, first of all, that helps
people like me be able to know how to help other people.
I've had it for as long as I can remember.

I can feel what other people feel, and sometimes it's so intense it's hard to know what I actually
feel and what is comming from someone else.
The rage and anger that I've been getting hit with are because this new roommate is emersed
in those things.
Under this calm exterior, he has got some major shit going on.
And I can feel it and see it. He has been sucking the life out of me.
I've been in a state of complete exaustion because every time I'm in the common area of the house
he will find me and start talking.
He won't go away.
I've tried to be nice, and respectful of the fact that he is going through alot.
But he hasn't been listening so far.
So, since actions speak louder to someone like that, I've been comming down here until he realizes
that I'm not comming back up stairs.

I walk into this house and he's waiting. He never leaves here. And because of his intense
need to, in his words, have some support and for what ever reason he has from day one
decited that he's going to get it from me.
Possibly due to the fact that I have been through a divorice. His wife just served him papers
this last week.

There has been this growing fear that he is going through things while he's here.
And the idea that he would find what I've written and have more information about me than
he should, came into the mix last night.

The other thing that made me believe that distroying everything was that the night before
last I went to paint and it was like I was a stranger to my work.
That everything that makes me who I am was gone.
I've been in a place similar to this just over a year ago.

It's a very black place. That's the best description without going into lots of detail.

Last night everything hit, all at the same time. A massive collision.
And I reacted.
At the moment it hit the only thing that it seemed I could do was take everything
that I had created and distroy it.
If there was no evidence than how could it ever be used as something to distroy me further
with.
I wanted to keep some people safe.
The thoughts were tangled and running at high speed.
This roommate's emotional state is killing me. I was convinced that I had given all the part
of me that generates the art, the creative fire to someone who I believe is desine to be the
next care taker of it.
I am still of the mind that this person, yes Magic I am still convinced that you are destine
to be the care taker of what has been given to me.

You have the passion and fire for the part of this creative firey wonderful and very amazing
place.
The world of all art. It's not just visual that exists here, but every other type of creative energy
that flows through everything and everyone that exists in this universe.
You have the power, and the fire to make things happen with your art.

I do not say that lightly, or as some way to inflate your ego.
You are the real deal.
A genuine artist. Your venu in this place is writing. If you ever stop, I will hunt you down
and kick your ass.
That's a promise.

That's why I believe what I do. I see the earmarks of someone who with this gift you have
will be able to change minds, and so change the world.
I believe you can change the world one word at a time.

You understand what this place is, and now with it being opened in a way that is blowing
everything away, all the notions that you have to have gone to school to know what you know
all the notions that you have to become Emily so that your writing can become powerful,
like a hard slam against the body.
Words of a prize fighter.

But the truth is you already have that. Inside you and it lights you up like the fourth of July,
Christmas and New Year's day all rolled into one huge fiery passionate place.
This is your venu in art.

Every time you write. And it just flows, you sit there, completely amazed and what has just
come from your hands.
You sit there wondering how and why what you just created is possible.

It's because it's all there, and it has been all your life. You came on to this planet with it
intact, and it only was waiting for a key to come along and unlock it completely.
So you could become what you've dreamed about.
What you want more than even than anything else this world holds.
Your so deeply in love with your art, and you haven't found anyone until now who
knew that same passion for their art.

It's real. And I know as well as I know the feel of my own skin, that this gift I have.
This place in this amazing world of art was ment to be passed on to you.
It will broaden your view.
It will blend into the landscape of how your art moves and shifts.
And what you see.
And what you write about.
You will change the world.

But you have to know it. You can't just believe that.
Knowing it is like knowing that the sun is a star. Every child who goes through school
ends up knowing that the sun is a star.
They may not comprehend it, but they know it.

Believing is something that sometimes can be alot like looking at a car on a show room
floor and wishing that it was yours.

Knowing is in your blood, your skin, your eyes, every part of you.
When you know, you do.
when you only belive, you often don't do.
Why?
Because you may believe in somthing, you may not know it.

This gift that is being passed to you is going to take you into the knowing.
You already believe lots of things about your art.
You know certian things about your art.

But you have to step into that place where you are moving in it like you walk
through the air around you.
It will become your air.

And when the time comes that the gift requires you to take what you have been given
and pass it on, you will be standing where I was 10 years ago being sent out on a quest
to find the one who you would pass it on to.

And when the quest finds it's goal, that place is like everything falls into a place
where you know that the art will take you with it when you leave this life.
And that is powerful.

Your life is a mear journey
through days and nights
and you are the voice
that cries from the soul
"hear me"
"I have something to say"

The eyes of the future are looking back
waiting for what you have to say.
They wait
in desert dreams
along oceans lit by suns
and stars

You are already
in their dreams
walking among the children
of the future
They know you
and love you for who you are
and what you bring to them

You will be with them
in your words
carved from the clay
that hold your feet fast to this place.

You will teach them how to fly
and how to be free
you will teach them how fragile
a thing is the human heart
but inspite of that pain
that it is always better to know what love is
than to keep your heart steeled in safe keeping.

The fire burns in you
a sun that consumes you.
And you know it's there.
Every dream
every moment
is there.

Know it as you know your heart
know it as you know your name
know it as you know how much it fills you
and this will give you wings.

My sister said something last night, that made sense. She said that in giving you the art I've been care taker of,
I was giving it to you for safe keeping.
I hadn't thought about that.

There have been somethings said over the last two months that are now comming to pass.
And more things that are comming to pass from things said far earlier in my life.

That is another reason I know beyond any doubt that you are the one I have been waiting for.
And although I would have prefered to send this to an e-mail, there are problems with my emails
and you need this now.

Hopefully this will help you understand why I went nuts and wanted to take everything out that could be
taken and used by someone who has no right to it, my roommate is who I speaking of.
This was an attempt to keep it safe from his eyes, even if it ment distroying it all.

I would rather distroy it than to end up with the wrong person.
And since I beleived I had given you the part where it all came from and it was now safe with you,
there was no longer any reason for me to keep what had been created.
Including everything I had written.

I hope this makes more senes as to why I went crazy last night.
I hope this helps you understand why I believe what I do, and why your the person I've been waiting for
for a very long time.

Acts of desperate panic

# 40203

Last night I was in a state of panic. It doesn't happpen very often, but when it does it's bad.
I was attempting to distroy all evidence of my existance.

It's hard to completely explain, but I sent null another request not to do what I had first asked him to do which was delet all my posts.
So all I can do now is wait.
I'm sorry for falling apart and going crazy...

In the burning

# 40170

I've been thinking. On overload again.
But it's something I'm prone to do it seems.

I've been thinking about a flame
of yellow and brilliant white
And piles of things that speak
of both day and night.
Of pictures painted
while rivers of life flowed
and have been wondering
if I took a match
how high the flames would go.

I've been daydreaming all day long
about running far away
and leaving behind
in ashen grey
the things of these now tired hands.

I cannot seperate what I feel
from the storm that sits above my head.
And so I've been thinking
about a burning flame.
To take thoes things
that have define my soul
and pile them in a field of dying grey
taking a match
a simple thing
and setting it all ablaze.

In the burning
there would be the last threads
the shadows and dreams
and thoughts
so many
too many to stand against
my heart is blank tonight
I feel as though I've hit the wall
one more time
this time it's like a dark void
dark as blackest night.

If lighting a blaze
by match and flame
maybe it would lift the weight
maybe...

Saturday morning

# 40155

Text deleted.

This post was edited by harold_maude on Nov 06, 2005.


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