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I watched some of my favorite movies yesterday. The ones that every so often I have this need to watch.
Among them were "Jaws" "Dick Tracy" and "Jurassic Park".
They have these great moments in them, ones that say something about something.
I love the discourse in Jurassic park where they are discussing the park it self and the two scientists and the mathamitician are voicing the basic problems with trying to bring something back that has been extinct for so long.
It makes me think about how I feel about the amount of technology we have and how little wisdom we have to use what we've created wisely.
Then the whole ego thing in Jaws. Men trying to best each other by proving who's better.
The thing that finally causes them to have some respect for each other is a night in the galley where their comparing scars
and we all get to find out why Quint is the way he is.
I love the idea in Dick Tracy of a woman who is seen as property of what ever mob boss is in control taking things into her own hands in an attempt to change her world and have the man she wants.
What makes these moments so great is that they reflect at least in someways real life.
Things we all face at sometime.
Feelings of being out of control. Feelings of desperation that drive us to our own desperate acts.
Proving who we are.
Doing things that should never really be done.
And the concequences that follow.
I like the Lord of the Rings for the same kinds of reasons.
One of my favorite scenes is at the end of the fellowship of the rings where Boramere is dying and he has come face to face with himself, and realizes how stupid it was to want to control something that would have distroyed him.
He regained his honor just before he died.
I love the scene in Cassablanca where Humphry Bogart says to Lauren Bacall that she will regret not getting on the plane, maybe not today, but soon and for the rest of her life.
How amazing to understand that while the want is so strong, what's best in the end is to walk away.
How painful to know that even when you love someone it's best for them if that love is lost.
I love satisfying endings too. Ones that leave you feeling somehow completed at the end of the story.
I love Hitchcock movies. But the ending of the Birds made me feel like he'd got to the point where here is this great story but how do you end a great story?
So for me the ending of the birds is disapointing.
It leaves me hanging with the idea that this was the best he could come up with after almost the whole movie is this intense string of moments.
I love the sixth sense because it shows how it's possible to over come the deepest fear that no one will believe you and finally you find someone who does and it gives you the courage to live without fear.
I love the matrix for the idea that it's possible to be a prisioner and find freedom. Even at the cost of your life.
Great movies with great scenes that reflect back on who we are as a people.
Fraglie, heroic, humans with failings and frailties.
And sometimes, just like in the movies we get to win too.
It's monday, by the clock. And the house is still, except for me.
It's not a bad thing, to be awake when everyone else is asleep.
I've spent alot of time thinking this weekend about so much.
Thinking about days that turn from summer into winter before you know it.
The color of morning as it grows from dark to light, and how much, if anything at all, that means right now.
Right now. This moment. Being etched into history even as I write.
I've been thinking about the road ahead, how ever long that will be, and there have been moments in the mist of all the wonderful that this weekend has been that I find myself face to face with what's out there ahead of me.
I was thinking about winter, and wondering if it's going to be as crazy weather wise as the last few weeks have been.
There's a part of me that wants to take a huge leap into the abyss of the unknown, and part of me that feels the same way it feels when the air is so cold that it hurts to breathe.
This is a very weird time. A shift in things. I know it's not connected to how old I am cronologically, because that has never mattered to me.
That's only the movment on calanders.
Maybe it's the uncomfortable feeling of the guilt of having to ask for help, when all I want to do is take care of things myself.
If I do, I know I will get done what needs to.
I've struggled with this thing for a long time. Falling short, needing help, and having to finally ask for it.
Maybe it's the need to see people just do when they see things that need to be done.
Being a part of something that flows with ease, instead of waiting and waiting and then getting tired of waiting and doing it myself.
Maybe that's all this is.
The question that keeps comming up is this: If I wasn't so able to make things run smoothly for everyone around me in ways that makes their lives easier, would there be any reason anyone would need to be around me.
Or want to?
If I look at the past of my life, I would have to say no.
The requests, the wants and the needs.
I've taken care of the things about me that I need.
I've waited for people to notice and step up and just do, but it doesn't happen.
Maybe that's why all of this has been feeling so strange.
Maybe it's what happens when you pass through this right of passage.
The disjointed feeling that comes with being joyous over reaching this age.
Again I don't know. There have been so many times I've wished that some brilliant sage would just show up and they would be able to walk with me through some or all of this, so that I could just accept this with mountians of grace.
There are so many times I feel completely alone. Even when I'm in the mist of company, no matter how many people are in that company.
I feel like I'm climbing up a never ending ladder. Up and up and up...having lost sight of the ground a very long time ago.
It's a weird kind of discomfort. unlike anything I've ever felt before.
In someways it's a kind of relief when I come here and find no evidence that anyone has read the things I've written about.
It gives me the sense that it's ok to dance in the dark and fog covered corners of my thoughts.
It's like a sounding board where I can see what I'm thinking as I write and hopefully find some answers.
..to bravely go where I've never gone before.
I write for my own sake, to keep my thoughts from making my brain explode.
It's part of my approach to my own health.
..in the desert does where you've left footprints matter?
or even the ones you've left in the snow?
This post was edited by harold_maude on Oct 10, 2005.
Friday I entered into what I can only describe as a right of passage.
I've had a few in my life. Not at the time that people normally think they will come, but that's ok. I'm weird and things for me happen on the time line their suppose to.
The first one happened when I turned 28, it was suppose to be when I was 25.
It's the quarter century thing that everyone gets close too and then it hits and whoahhhh!!!
"I'm here...now what?"
I never had one of those when I turned 21, I was too busy trying to be a mom to a very brilliant child.
And I think I was still getting over having a child at all.
When I was 16 I had surgery because my cycle was really messed up and they did tests and told my mother I was sterile.
I just proved them wrong.
It's funny how things like that happen, and what that does to a persons head and life.
The next right of passage came when I hit 35. It was an awesome year. It was a great time of learning and comming to terms with the idea that my life was more than my children.
I'd had my second child at 26.
He was on the other end of the specturm of things from his sister.
He was brilliant too, but just in some really unique ways.
He, like einstine, didn't talk until he was three, and to him the world was this place where...it's hard to explain...he thinks in extreem abstract ways.
He did this picture of the titanic. From the front you see the ocean and the boat going down.
Turn the paper over and you see the ocean and part of the boat that's under the water.
That kind of thing.
So here I've got two kids, both of these people amazing in their own right, and I've been given the privialage of being their mom.
So here comes 35, and it hits, my life is more than being just a mom to these two people, one of which is eventually going to be a vet at 24.
The next right of passage happened when I turned 39. My father died and I found out that I spent my entire life waiting for something that would never come. I was very pissed off.
I spent my whole life waiting for him to tell me that he loved me and was proud that I was his daughter.
I found out 3 weeks before he died.
When he died, I started on the journey to finding out who I was, and he was no longer there to tell me I couldn't or that I would do nothing but fail, etc. etc. etc.
It became clear at that time how much time I'd wasted waiting for something that never came.
To put it mildly I was pissed because I felt completely ripped off in the worst way a person can.
And I'm not going into the comparison of what being raped feels like because I've been there too, and that doesn't come close to what this felt like.
The next right of passage happened when I finally did what I should have done at 19, that is leave your home town.
I was 43.
My children were completely comfortable with me leaving, which doesn't surrprise me.
I got a divorice and it was very peacable, we parted on good terms.
They thought I'd lost my mind, as what I took with me isn't the normal thing a person takes with them when they go.
I took the bare essentals, as far as I was concerned. Things I could use to make a living with based on my talents and skills.
I was headed into the unknown and was on the road to find out who I was, how I liked my eggs, so to speak.
Then last friday, I came to the newest one, turning 47. I'm excited about being 47, I've made it this far. I'm comfortable in my own skin finally, and death is something that will happen at some point.
I've learned that people love to hide, mostly from themselves.
Their too scared to be honest and dig deep inside and deal with the crap that all of us carry around.
I've learned that today is all we get. So it's to our benefit to make it the best day we've ever had.
Even when it's a total shit day, it's still been good.
If you live indoors and got to eat it's a damn fine day.
If you've got toilet paper it's a good day, because having no toliet paper makes the bathroom experience a good one.
I've been without, and it really sucks.
If someone has smiled at you, or you survived the day it's been a good day.
Even when you loose a job, or wonder how your going to make the bills.
Even thoes days have something in them that's worth something.
That's what I've learned.
I've decited that I'm celebrating this entire month. 47 comes only once. I don't feel 47. I doubt I ever will. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel because I've never been here before, and that's completely fine.
There is an incredible year ahead of me. And I'm looking forward to it. Even if I end up in another accident. I was in one last sunday, and the driver was young, I would say barely 20 somthing. She slammed into me comming around a corner doing about 45 at least.
The front of the car she was driving was demolished, and I saved myself from having to be pried from my car by slamming on the breaks so only the front side panel of the car got twisted.
The head light still works and now my lights have a marty feldman thing going on.
I saw her about 3 feet before she hit.
If I hadn't she would have hit the driver's door.
She was in a borrowed car of which the owner had let his insurance laps for 3 months, and she has no insurance, so I have this thing I can't fix.
But the good news is no one got hurt.
There were 5 people in the car with her, and they were all older, and it's curious as to why all thoes people weren't smart enough to drive instead of letting someone who was in too much of a hurry drive.
So now, here I am, a week later, two days into being 47 and the sun is shining, I got to play with this incredible puppy last night named betty.
And it's a great day.
I ate cake sometime after midnight and it was really good.
Apple pie filling as part of the frosting...good stuff.
What ever this year brings, things are new, all of them because each day from here on out is new. All the monster thoughts, all the moments of disapointment all the celebrations, weddings and funreals will be seen in a different light...and that rocks.
It's the right of passage that changes us. It's designed to.
And I am so greatful for that...I would hate to spend the rest of my life in the same place doing the exact same things over and over and never learning anything new.
Here's to the next right of passage that will come. I'm looking forward to it.
It's been a few days since I made it here last. The computer has gone sideways and then got righted up.
Yeah for that!
It felt like summer for a few days and then fall reminded me that here, fall is a series of days that differ in extreem temps.
Some of the questions, all of the questions are now resting, brewing and I'm sure that at some point they will come close to
threating to blow my brains up again.
I'm glad for the break. My brain was in pain for a while there.
All my side notes are safe.
At the moment I'm trying to find the geometric structure for certian gemstones.
I wanna see some pictures of some things.
But so far I haven't been able to find what I'm looking for.
I wish there was a program or something out there that you could type in a very specific set of requests and get the answers to your questions.
It would be awesome if you could just turn on the computer and ask it a question without going on the net and having to do alot of rummageing around through pages and pages of sites.
Only to find that what your searching for isn't there.
I must be asking the wrong questions in the search.
I've looked under the crystal line structure of gemstones...nothing.
The geometry of gemstones...and I get things that don't answer my quesions...
I would love to see a simulated building of different stones based on the geometry of the crystals that make up the different stones.
Then I would imput the 5 platonic solids and the archimedian solids and have it match up to each gemstone.
I wish Lenardo was here, he could tell me I'm sure what was what.
The man definately had an inside track to alot of things.
Last night we watched a show on him.
These people built two of his inventions.
The hang glider was amazing, although the cross bow got muddled up by the people thinking if they just streamlined what he put on paper it would work better.
So they went back to the orginal drawings and it worked alot better.
They said that only about 1,000 of his papers have survived.
That's still an amazing amount of information.
Anyway, I'm stuck for now. I should be used to being stuck in something that I can't find the answers to.
I keep going back to the flower of life books trying to find some more clues.
The hunt goes on...and on...and on.
I'm putting the finishing touches on a particular peice of work.
I've come to the conclusion that what I was given is a map as to an explaintion of what time is.
If no one can give a definate explaintion and anything is possible, it's very possible that what I've been given is an explaintion of time.
One of the things I came up against was the idea of probablity and possiblity.
One is finite, the other is open ended.
To understand the idea of time you with probablity as part of the equation makes it not possible to solve, at least in part.
In order to see it at all you have to use possible as part of the equation.
It makes it work.
At least that's what came through with what I was given.
There is the flower of life in the center and then the golen mean sprial and the traces of the febinachi sprial, and notations as to vortexes and convergant realities..neither of which I really understand. But the insturctions were clear.
Step by step.
And the understanding of the nessity and value of art in the matrix of communication.
Through this process I understand why the goverment would push art and music out the door.
If you take away the two venus that encourage thought on an abstract level which is where problems are solved by the way, you have effectivly taken away all history and all clues as to who we are.
In a few generations what you have is a very aimless people.
Very easy to control and manipulate.
Fortunately so far there are still emerging children who do art and are not stopped in what their doing.
There is still art taught, but now it's an elective rather than part of the foundation of learning.
Soon, if things keep going they way they are, there will only be room in the social, economic structure designed by the goverment the only art that will be allowed will be with in certian perameters.
You can see alot of it in the galleries. It's hard to get into a gallery with out it fitting certian requirments.
And many galleries charge showing fees, aka wall space for your work.
I saw a thing on the news about some huge gallery in new york and the work that was shown in part of it made no sense and was nothing more than just an aimless expression of the moment.
Alot of what they showed had no life to it. It was as if the artist was standing at a distance giving directions to someone else who's only participation in the work was putting it down on canvas or paper.
Alot of artists who are actually saying something have to find an alternative route.
It's funny, when you put it in direct access to the public and make it reasonable as far as the price, what you find is that they want it.
It speaks and they are wanting something that speaks.
I know that there is a huge segment of the population that buys the crap that looks like it was slapped together, for some reason when a person shells out big bucks for a work they get the idea that it's like the crown jewels or somthing.
It seems that all the propagana surrounding what art is, is defined by a few individuals who have this need to have an eletist group.
Every time I read an artist's magazine I see the same things over and over.
It's the standard of what's acceptable. Very little space is given to the majority of what's actually out there.
You have to basicly kiss alot of ass to be even given a chance.
And it's all subjective to the gallery owners.
It's pretty messed up.
In the art schools what I've seen come out is this: people who are great immitators of the teachers, because the teachers don't understand they arn't suppose to be reproducing themselves, but rather guiding the students into who the student is as an artist.
And they've been so conditioned by the time they graduate to do and see art only in a very boxed up limited way, that they can't even begin to relate to their immatination.
They are terrified of their immagination.
I've run into these people who have been to tradional art schools and if you put something in front of them to do, they want to know what you want, and then if told what do you want to do, they sit there and think of what they should draw.
They can't seem to grasp the notion that art is not ment to be in a box.
It's been beaten, if you will excuse the expression, out of them until they are good immitators.
I think I've gotten a bit side tracked.
Anyway, the map is almost complete now.
Then we'll see what's next in the journey.
For a while now the concept of time has been stuck and spinning in my thoughts.
What is time exactly?
I was told it was a measurment.
I thought about that, and tried to see it as that.
It didn't seem to be enough of an answer to explain what time is.
Then after exploring the effects of time, and thoughts on movement and matter how it's possible to see the effect of time rather than time it's self.
A very unique picture formed in my mind.
Immagine, if you will an endless field of motion. You can tell that motion exists in this place because as the field moves you can see the reflection on the layers of surface that exist in this field.
Now with that in mind immagin that this field has a horizon line, and the only reason you can see the horizon is to give you some sense of the depth of the layers which are transparent to the eye.
Then as you watch this field of motion you slowly see a tree emerge.
From unreconizable to crystal clear.
As you watch this tree you see it go from sapling to full size and then through the process of death and decay.
It's all a very smooth process.
Then as the tree fades into the field of motion you see a planet appear in the same way the tree did, and go through the same kind of process as the tree did.
Now immagine that both the tree and the planet begin to come into view again, at the same rate of speed.
You can see both processes taking place. They appear to be going at the same speed through their respective life spans.
And nither is moving faster than the other.
What have you just witnessed?
The motion of time upon matter. This is what I came away with from that.
That time is in motion, always.
Time affects matter as it comes in contact with with matter.
Time is fluid, and effects both matter and energy.
Time is a key to understanding the matrix of the universe.
I also had this equation sitting in my head.
I could see this in my mind, in other words.
Time x geometry = matrix
matrix x possiblities = endlessness.
I have no way of proving or disproving this equation.
And since I really suck at math, if this does turn out to be the right answer I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm seeing and understanding things that I shouldn't be able to see or understand because when I had scarlet fever at the age of 5 the logic and mathimatical part of my brain got damaged.
The right side of my brain, the creative side I figure compensated and began to imitate the parts that were damaged and lost.
I through the right side of my brain interpeted the information that I could remember as best as it could.
So, if this is right, and I'm seeing exactly what it is, then it's one more conformation that I'm understanding what I shouldn't be able to.