harold_maude's journal

Happy 4th of July

# 36940

Well, here it is the 4th of July and from the sounds of things the last few nights, this is shaping up to be a great light show.
The sky is blue and from all reports looks to be a constant through the day.
But ya never know, things could change just that fast.
It would be really weird, and cool if there was a tornado this evening.
I keep waiting to see one, and in all actuality I would love to ride one.
They scare most people because of the power in one to tear a house apart and put chuncks of wood into concrete.
But I would still like to ride one.

Might not survive, but what a ride!

I'm working on some new art and since it's been a while since I worked solely in my favorite media it's just been a time of playing and making color stuff.

I'm fighting exaustion from the heat as well as nothing being steady as far a work goes. Winning the lottery could fix that problem, at least for a while, and maybe I could actually relax for once.

It's funny how getting beat down over and over and having to work to survive, not just go from paycheck to paycheck, but really work to survive makes a person so exausted that even fighting for what they need becomes an option.
Somedays I'm way too tired to even care about much of anything, and going through the motions is about all I can work up to.
Somedays it's less than that.

But for all of what each day seems to dump on me, my dreams are not dead. Seems that the only thing that keeps happening is that everything keeps getting delayed, one more day.
I'm running on empty most days. And it's amazing how even when running on empty, I have found the strength to just keep going.
It's a blessing to be able to just keep going actually.
I know that things could be alot worse. I've faced the "lot's worse" before and have somehow come through it void of anger and bitterness.
That's a blessing too.

My hands still work. Arthritis is setting in, so I'm fighting that, trying my hardest to keep it from taking my hands completely. I take glucosomen condroident, and excercise my hands every day. So far I'm still winning.
I can feel it trying to settle in other places as well, my elbows, knees and shoulders.
But so far, it's not taken any of those things out.
That's a blessing.

My eyes are getting worse. I need new glasses, and can't afford them so far. I fight edema on a regular basis. For those of you that may read this that don't know what that is, it's when the body retains fluid and the kidney's don't work quite as well as they should to help elimate the excess water.
I'm fighting lots of things, both physical and emotional and financial, but I'm still here. Still going on.
Still making the rent and still eating.
My car is still running good.

All blessings. Even the hard stuff. Even the times when I feel like I'm on the wrong planet, or in the wrong place, and at the end of the day being able to get some sleep, everything has something potentially good in it.

I'm learning my limitations and I'm learning what I'm made of, and when I feel like bitching until there is nothing left but the feeling of being completely drained, I'm still here.
That is a blessing. It all is. Every bit of it.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that. So hard, especially when I'm feeling too weak to do anything else and have to.
So I'm working on remembering, so I can have a little more power to get through.
And remembering that nothing lasts, even the hard stuff in life.
It's going to end at some point, then we'll see what's next on the list.
And maybe I'll go to the store and buy stuff for lunch and dinner and breakfast for the next day.
We'll see.
And I have a suspicion it will be just fine after all is said and done.

Saturday afternoon, do you know where your cows are?

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# 36911

There are just some things in life that are wonderful no matter what else is going on. No matter how bad or good, there are just some things that nothing can touch.

Taking a shower after having to take a sponge bath for two days because the cows that the landlord is summering here on the farm get thirsty and the pressure drops and then wala no water...sponge bath time!, is one of those things.

Among the other things I can think of is eating something amazing after not eating much for days. That's good, and there are other things too, but those can be left to personal choices.

The cows have made life interesting here. There are three that like to go through fences and get up onto the highway, and I suspect that if these three could, they would wander back to their home farm.
The sherif has been called 4 times for cows on the highway, and actually it's a funny sight to see the cows when they get loose.
I'm sure they feel free and hate fences as much as any person hates to be locked up somewhere, and told they can't get to where the grass IS greener.

There are mostly females, and 2 bulls. The one bull likes to head butt the females because he is a rather possesive animal.
Can you immagine him loose in a mosh pit? What a deal, bodys would fly.
I smile at the thought.

Thinking about odd things, it would be hysterical to see a bunch of them wandering around in some goverment building and see how people would react as they do what cows do....look for things to eat, something to drink and then leaving puddles and pies for all those people to step around.
Wonderful thought...
Secret service men chasing cows, now there would be a sight...I can just see it now, "Stop! You there, yeah you taking a big dump, Stop or I'll have to shoot!" And the cow just looking stupidly and mooing and doing it anyway. *smiling*

I've often thought it would be fun to spray paint them with glow in the dark paint so after dusk what you would see is these weird big things wandering around in a big herd.
Kind of like make your own crop circles, only this would be make your own aliens.
Cow aliens.

I did threaten to get one of those head things with the springs and the sparklie stars and put it on the head of one of the cows, one of the ones that keep escaping over and over. It would look funny and then I thought it would even be better if we put them on all the cows and glued huge sunglasses on their faces.
And do it right before the person who owns the cows shows up to get them...
We'd just tell them they had a wonderful time at summer camp and learned lots of new crafts but unfortunately there arn't any remains because the cows ate them.

Oh well, fun stuff. Time for that shower...yeah!!!!

Friday morning

# 36888

It's friday and there isn't much to say about this particular day except that summer is well underway.
I have a strong distaste for this particular season.
It drains me so completely that each day is a challange just to get through ok.

I finally have a job that I hope will last.
I'm working 6 days a week now and that will take some getting use to.
It's been a while since I worked this many days in a row.
I spend most of my time at work washing dishes which come in a never ending stream.
I can't remember when I've washed so many dishes..oh well, it's a job.
Eventually I hope to find my way to my goal of living off my art.
Washing dishes is a long way off from that goal, but the goal is still there.
At least I haven't abandoned it. There is hope still that it will happen, and that's all that matters.
I've made a decision that if I can't get there I'm going to make provision in my will that all the art remaining with me at the time of my death is to be destroyed.
I don't want some asshole to come along and make a fortune off my life and work after I'm dead.
That's just so wrong. I think about all the artists who that happened to, and all the sleezy bastards who got rich by raping dead artists.
It makes me mad. It's not right that someone spends their life making art and there is no huge support while they are alive.
They live in poverty, creating art because it's what they have to do.
Very few peices are sold while they are alive and they have to do so many shit jobs while they are alive just to survive.
Then they die and some bastard comes along and capitilizes on their art and gets rich.
It's really really fucked up...and wrong.

I'm melting....

# 36700

An ode to summer....
The season of perpetual wettness.

Wet to the bone,
my clothes never dry
I smell really bad
no matter what kind of fragrance I try
My energy all gone
somewhere out there
the flys and mesquetoes
have sucked me bone dry
With little bumpy welts
in places here and there
I look like a sample for a pizza pie.
I itch till I burn
and then itch somemore
and the thought of a walk
sends chills through my spine
Didn't anyone tell you
it's not really summer
it's just been transformed
to some over grown jungle.
The cows are hungry
and have eaten all the grass
and every other green thing
except for the thistles
and they're everywhere.
Any ice in your glass
will be gone before your done
and any thing white and clean
will soon be undone...
It's summer!
The time of misery and pain
the time of bug bites
and tempratures that curdle milk
on your way home from the store.
I dream of walk in freezers
and fanasize about spending the next 3 months
occuping one
My body feels like it's caught on permeant fire
from the outside in
and the inside out.
I feel like wearing a reader board that says:
will work for time in your freezer
not for food money or beer
but space in your freezer
I'll just make room
and throw out everything that you don't need.

I know it doesn't rhyme and really isn't that poetic, but I think my brain is been fried in the sun.

I hate, hate, hate summer.....
my appolgies to those who think it's the perfect season...you can have it.
It sucks.

Being on

?% | 1

# 36554

Have you ever been in that place where you have to be continually on?
The entertainment, the one who takes care of things, makes things happen, and generally makes everyone elses life liveable?
That's being on.

I've come face to face with the reality that I'm on and it has a strange effect on my sleep patterns, and my life in general.

When I'm in the mode of on I don't sleep. I can't. I'm jumpy and can't relax.

I wish I could take a long vacation and disapear into the woodwork for a very,very long time. Not alot of people would understand that need, as most humans are social creatures who need company.
When the normal avarage well driven person needs to get away they just simply do.

For those who make everything ok, there is no vacation. The making everything ok can either be self imposed, as in control freaks who own businesses and can't trust any manager to run it as well as they do. And the more they need time away, the more the works get fucked up because they make it impossible for anyone to do their job.

They need to be hog tied and made to take a vacation.

Then there are the kinds of people who get placed into the solid rock place by those around them. It's not a choice, it just happens. Where every they go, when ever they are around other people, whether they want it or not they get shoved into possition and then get dumped on. Everybody's shit, every major decision that comes across the line, it ends up in their lap.

Whether I like it or want it or what ever I get shoved into that possition. I don't know why. Maybe it's the strong work eithic I have, or the need to do things when they need to be done and not letting them become a huge mess, or maybe it's because I like to take care of things asap that ends me up here again and again.

I want to go away. Far far away, where someone will take care of me so I can sleep, and wander and not have to think or fix things or make sure things are done on time.

I don't want to have to be the one who makes things ok. But all the major decisions keep ended up being made based on my thoughts and observations here. Even with the choice of the next roommate. They come to me. They get sent to me. And I get to be the one who decides.

For what ever reason, and I have no clue as to why, and I'm too fucking tired to try to figure it all out, I end up being shoved into this possition.

My perfect world would be to have someone come along and see that I need to be able to just lay my head down and not have to be strong, and not have to fix things or make sure the bills are paid on time, or make sure that everyone who can pull the rug out at a moments notice is kept happy.
This person would be stronger than me. But be very peaceable about things. And supporitve when it comes time to doing something nessiary, so that it dosen't act as a major drain of any and all reserves.

This person wouldn't have to be there all the time, and they wouldn't have to be strong all the time. I don't mind needed people, but I would love it if needed people were sometimes strong people. A balance in things. A reasonable balance.
that would be my perfect world.

I doubt if I'll ever know my perfect world. Life, at least my life isn't that easy. And I doubt it ever will be.

It's very late

69% | 3

# 36522

At the tone the time will be 12:23 A.M. Do you know where your socks are?

Socks are important. They keep your feet from freezing in the winter and keep them clean while your feet are nestled inside your shoes.

I wonder if feet ever feel like protesting against being locked inside shoes for hours on end. I wonder if they want to just look up one day and say "that's it. I've had it and if you try to stuff me in those things one more time, I'm getting together with every other body part and we are going on strike.
I don't see you putting the hands inside uncomfortable things.
They get pampered while we do all the work. We carry you around and make sure you hit the right pedal when your driving and we never get a break!"

I've been keeping my feet as bare as possible lately. I hate shoes. I hate how when they start breaking down, my feet are miserable and then I am too.
I would love to be in a place where I never had to wear shoes again.
I think my feet would be happy being naked all the time.

...no job yet...almost homeless again...food is running out...too tired and too wired to know what to do anymore...but still under the crazy emotions I am at peace.
I have no clue as to why.

nite all.

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