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My day has begun after a few hours of sleep. I got to see this deer up close and almost personal this morning. So beautiful.
And as long as it's not hunting season, the deer is quite safe.
But the deer dosen't know that.
All that deer knows is that it has to watch everything. No matter where it goes.
And it made me think about last night. And the frustration of the last month, and a friend of mine who I've listened to for months complain, and complain and complain.
I didn't sleep so good last night because I was frustrated with this friend.
They've got a drinking problem. They drink because they are bored and their mind is running on over load with analyitical thoughts.
The state of drunkenness turns the volume down in their head.
So they tell me.
And who am I to question what someone is living in the middle of, as far as their thoughts.
I know what it's like to have so many thoughts going through your head that it's on over load all the time.
But I do know this. We have been over and over and over the same old territory as far as things that are wrong again and again and again.
Their frustration, or at least part of it, is that there is nothing that interests them, no creative venu that they can throw themselves into.
No matter options I brought up, they had a reason as to why it wouldn't work.
Finally after several hours of going round and round and round,
I left the room, and came here and wrote and then began searching job sites again.
It was almost three a.m. when I stopped.
When I saw that deer this morning, how beautiful it was, it reminded me that life is a fragile thing. Not to be taken lightly. And a person can live their lives emersed in how wrong things are or the possiblities.
It's a personal choice.
If a person loves their misery, keeps it as a pet, then there isn't much anyone can do. Change is the choice we can take or leave.
My friend means alot to me. When they are sober, they are just cynical. When they are drunk they feel the need to talk. And it's all so pointless. I got drained listening to this mess last night.
I'm still drained this morning. And I've come to a decision.
I'm just going to smile and say uh huh alot. I've got better things to do with my life than listen to some one who loves their misery, and who is too lazy to try even the smallest thing to change it, whether they feel like it or not.
If everyone waited until they felt like it to do anything, most all of us would remain in bed feeling sorry for ourselves because we haven't won the publisher's clearing house sweepstakes.
And pissed off because we had to get up to go pee now and again.
It's been a few days since I wrote last. Being in a state of lostness for a while now, I figured it was time to come here and write.
For some reason writing when everything feels like shit that the dog or cat or any other animal you wish to insert, keeps digging up, helps.
I'm not drunk, although I wish I was tonight. I should be. Everything is about to hit the wall and go crash. I've been looking for work again, and nothing that fits what I need.
The on comming falling apart of my hands have made some decisions for me and have forced the reality that how I spend the remaining years of usablity of my hands a very real issue.
See it doesn't make a lot of sense to spend your life working to make someone else rich and when your done, so crippled up, all you have left to your self is parts of your body that don't work right anymore.
Last month was suppose to be, or at least I thought it was going to be a huge turning point for me. Things were feeling like they were about to fall into the right places, and it turned out to be one of the worst months I can remember.
Second only to last August.
Maybe I should have gone to a local mortician and requested to be embalmed due to the fact that everything in me felt dead.
Would have ended the argument right then and there.
But I know they would have carted me off in a white coat to the nearest padded room.
I made the decision month before last to leave my job due to the condition of my hands. After 4 10 hour days doing assembly work that left my hands knarled and me having to take alternating doses of advil and ibuprofin, so that by the end of my three days off my hands, though still in exquisite pain, were no longer knarled.
That along with getting almost run off the road on my way home a couple of times by truckers doing late night runs on the same road that goes to where I live, and not getting more than 3 hours of sleep a night durring the work week due to how messed up working nights is, the decision to leave that job seemed like a wise decision.
Now almost two months later I am still jobless, searching and what I'm finding is everyone wants experience.
A strange paradox of how do you get experience unless someone hiers you and they don't want to hier you unless you've had experience.
So it's down to the wire. In three weeks if I have no job I will be on the streets again. In the same time period if I have no job I will be with out transportation, and looking at a fine for owning an unlicenced truck. Even if I'm not driving it.
So I've been searching like everywhere and have considered the following jobs among the many, a 900 operator, (we all know what they do), sewing costumes for strippers, walking around with a bill board advertising for any company who will hier a living bill board, and advertising myself as some kind of consultant, what I don't know, I can't get my shit together long enough to figure my own life out let alone give advise to someone who is just as lost in the washing machine as I am.
I've got several sites that will hier writers, except the one's that would be open to me and my ramblings, are at the moment full up.
I went to e-bay, thinking I will try to sell my art there, I've got a huge portfolio and inspite of not having most of them matted and none of them framed, I would give it a go.
When I started looking at the art for sale section and saw what people were trying to sell their art for and that no one was bidding, and alot of the stuff I saw was the same kind of art that graces alot of big name galleries, I relized that my work most likely doesn't stand a chance.
While I was on e-bay I also looked at beads, which I have enough to open a small store with, and saw what they were going for and realized that for my entire bead invantory the chances of getting anything over next to nothing was unrealistic.
Same story with the jewerly.
Then I got the bright idea of doing surveys. All I could get for that was points. you fucking can't eat points, oh yeah and a far off chance of winning 10,000 dollars.
So much for that.
The places I was signed up with wanted to know why I was leaving, and I explained, very polietly, that you can't eat points and my time was worth more than points....
It's 12:28 am now. And tomorrow will bring more searching and possibly more dead ends. I've been at the breaking point for a while now.
It's funny though, inspite of how bleak things look I'm at peace inside.
It dosen't make any sense. So maybe I will hit the wall, and maybe I will crash. And maybe I will loose every thing in my possession, but I'm ok with that....I think sometimes I've really gone far off the deep end...
I look at the stars and wish
that tomorrow would stay away.
I look at my pillow and wish
I didn't have to wake up.
Inspite of all of this
daily feeding I'm eating
No matter what tomorrow brings
it's really ok now.
I don't understand
it dosen't make sense
but that's ok too
nothing is really mine
only just my skin
and that's on loan
really for only a little while.
I came from dust
and dust will claim me again
tho I don't know where
and I don't know when.
The only thing that bothers me
is if it takes a lingering while,
if it's gonna come
I wish it would hurry up and do it quick
because inspite of how at peace I am
I'm not into lingering pain.
I wrote this in memory of Daisy, my best friend. She was only a dog in body, but she had the heart of a human. She was the best, and now after about 5 years I can finally look at her pictures and grieve.
So this is in her honor. It's not enough, it will never be enough to say thank you to a friend who was a beauitful gift.
Daisy passed away
She lay her head
her eyes weary
she looked at me
one last time,
sighed a quiet good-by
the closed her eyes
and simply left.
I could feel her heart cease
the warm of her still lingering.
washed her face
and to her sweet head
I gave a final kiss.
Her life was full
She loved the quiet hours
we would spend
no words really needed
the bond of love
so strong between us.
Just a simple look
could ever capture.
still runs through my heart.
often filled her eyes.
She knew no malice
held no bitter thoughts
that it amazed me so often.
The times we were apart
were hardest for her.
But our reunions
ohhhhhh thoes sweet renunions
were always as the first meeting.
Daisy died last night.
But only in body.
Her faithful care
was always there.
She could read me
and always knew
when I was sad
or out of sorts.
She was my friend
There was no one else like her.
No one else at all.
I have my regrets.
That I didn't take more pictures,
that I didn't spoil her more.
I should have.
I didn't say thank you enough
to this most faithful of friends.
And I should have.
Daisy died last night.
I think a part of me
I was looking at pictures of you last night. It's the first time in a long time that I've been able to look at them. I wish I had more.
I could feel the ache, still fresh it would seem, like it was yesterday.
I felt the tears running down my face and all I could think about was how much I miss you.
For 8 years I got the honor and pleasure of your company. Your head on my knee when you needed to feel secure, and your eyes, telling me you'd had a rough day.
I wanted to howl and howl and howl last night, from the heart, so you could here me from where you are.
Everything in me misses you. And my heart, though full of your presence still, feels an empty twinge when I can't reach down and scratch behind your ears where the fur was the softest.
I've lost other people. But none of them make me grieve with ache like you being gone does.
You were my best budy, and I feel like there wasn't enough time.
Eight years is pretty short when someone walks into your life and loves you with out any kind of conditions on that love, and being with you is the best of the best for them.
I was looking at those pictures with you laying on your couch with the big spotted bow and remembered how you put up with the humilation of having a bow on your head. Dogs normally don't like that kind of thing, except maybe a poodle, but dogs ususally won't let you do things like that.
I've seen dogs try to eat socks that their friends/owners have put on their feet.
Not you, you sat there so patient while we took pictures and now that's what I have just a few of those.
That's all. And a heart that hurts so bad.
I swear you weren't a dog, but a human in dog form. You had so much dignity. And you never hurt another animal. Not once.
I remember how you wouldn't eat cow bones or deer bones when there was deer meet that came into the house.
I remember how you would catch mice in your teeth and carry them around and then let them go.
And how when we would watch emergancy pet vet you would burry your face in my lap so you couldn't see, because the thought of another animal being in pain was too painful for you.
I remember the night you died, and how you showed up the next day, and spent a week with me. And I remember that night, out side with the sky so full of stars that you let me know that you had to go.
And the dream that repeated it's self for three nights.
I miss you. So much, so, so much. I figure that if I put this out to the sky and the net that you will hear it, and if you do then hear this too, that you were a gift, and my life was better because you were in it, and even though the last 5 months of your life were a battle against something you couldn't have over come, I would go through that experience of heartache a thousand times, just to have known you.
I miss you, and I hope that where ever you are you get all the doggie cookies you want, cases of them, and that you are surrounded by other cool people just like you.
If you can see me, then you can see my tears. Take them, all of them and let them be kisses and hugs from a greatful heart.
Thank you. I miss you and I love you.
Something came in my e-mail today, and it made me laugh.
A letter with a get rich quick thingy attached to it. Same dog just wearing new clothes. My appoligies to all the great four footed friends out there for the comparison...
Over the last few months I've been getting alot of this in my bulk mail, and for shits and giggles I take a look at some of the contents. It's like going to a very weird circus that has these people doing different variations of the same theme.
All designed for one thing, To empty your bank acount, or at least relieve you of some of your cash.
So with that particular picture in mind,I've come up with a list of my favorite performers:
Top honors goes to the person who is charging just under a hundred dollars to show you how to get other people to sign up to show them how to sign up etc, etc, so that you can turn any ATM into a cash cow.
The second one goes to the guy or guys who use scare tactics, ie. you won't get a second chance at this, so get off your ass and send us money fast so we can get you in line with the rest of the suckers who are desperate to get out of the rat race.
The third one goes to the people who have created a get rich school.
And honorable mention goes to the folks who have taken alot of people to the cleaners through the act of phishing for info, so they can steal your identity.
These performers understand what P.T.Barnum understood...there is a sucker born every minuet.
The really sad effect of all of this is that it has created and added to the nessesity of not trusting what anyone says.
And it has given all those people out there who are trying by honest means to make a living through the net a very big black eye.
Because of my recient almost being suckered into a nigerian scam, and having no clue as to what I was dealing with, but having the good sense to talk to some people about it and so avoiding some really disasterous shit, I signed up for a newsletter that keeps me aprised of scams on the net.
And no it doesn't cost anything.
I'm not sure what day of the week it is because dispite not having anything to drink last night, I woke up with what felt like a hang over.
I've been in a weird haze all day and nothing feels in focus right now. My eyes feel like they're covered with a strange mist, and no matter what I do I can't get rid of the sensation.
Maybe this is all just some on going dream that I can't wake up from. Maybe I'm in some sort of coma and everyone I've met and have come to know are just part of this dream....maybe nothing is real.
It's funny how things can feel that way, for days and even months on end.
Sureal, detached most of the time, then so painful that you feel like your skin has been peeled and your muscles are showing and some one is tossing salt at you.
Yes folks, I think I am mad, or at least have moments of madness.
I think it's more common than people talk about.
Oh to be a drift in a pirate ship, and sail the seas with no thought of land or where were going to land...
That's where I want to be.
Jobless once again, I have fallen into a deep hole where the river disapears underground and comes out somewhere. Knowing that life is like that, I don't worry about jobs anymore.
I know they will come and go, just as the moon and sun come and go, marking seasons.
Out of focus, out of time out of season...
There are places that mark the journey and they only look bright
to you because they are made for you.
I know I'm still tired. I took a nap and had a hard time waking up.
My feet were freezing and I couldn't move. I was locked in and it felt like someone had shot me full of some kind of debillitaing drug so that I would sleep forever.
And not wake up.
All the dreams lately have been in color and very vivid.
Like watching stero t.v. in a place where you just are, there is nothing that makes sense, and you just travel around doing things and interacting with people you know who are doing weird things that make sense and don't make sense all at the same time.
Then you want to wake up because it's getting too weird and you can't.
You spend the next 3 or 4 hours trying to wake up and it doesn't work.
I wish someone would show up and tell me what's going on, and help me figure all this out.
I hope I'm not going into a fracture again.
I really hope I'm not.
That's a truely scary thought.