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For the last two nights I've slept so good. All the wonders of being stress free.
All of this whole experience has made me realize what I need in the next job I take.
A boss who is consitant. A job that doesn't have people who expect you to give them all the answers.
And a realistic idea of how many hours depending on the wage that I can live on.
So at the moment I'm looking for something behind the scenes.
Like being a dishwasher. Or a janitor. Or someone who just files things.
All very unexciting jobs. But one's that would give me what I need to work effectivly in a job.
Either that or win the lottery and become a recluse.
I such an odd duck. I have no need for huge amounts of social interaction.
I perfer to be out of sight when it comes to the public.
But that's a paradox in itself.
I think about this place. It's very public, and there is some interaction with other people, but it's in a way that's removed from physical interaction.
So I guess it's not a paradox.
Comming here is like standing in a crowed room only you can't see anyone.
You can read what they have to say, and many times you get to see what the rest of the world doesn't.
That's really where a person is.
Not the surface. Not the daily quirks that make people decide who that person is and if they want to get to know them.
In that respect I think people who are phsically blind have a definate advantage over the seeing world.
They don't have to deal with all the masks and crap the rest of us have to.
They get to "see" the real of a person.
And that's awesome.
This place is kind of like that.
And I know that's one of the things I like about this place.
I love being able to come and write here. And it doesn't matter if no one reads it.
It's simply here.
If they read what I write, they arn't in my face and demanding explainations, or asking me how to create this or that..in short doing the work for them.
I can come here and write as weird or as thoughtful as where I am in the moment.
And that is awesome.
I'm free here.
I tend to stick pretty much to my journal, but venture out once in a while, and read other peoples thoughts and ideas.
And sometimes I have something to say about what they've writen.
But alot of times I just like being the silent obsever.
This is one of thoes places that mirror the places that I love to hang out in.
When I go to thoes places it's a rare thing that anyone will come up and talk to me.
So I either spend time painting or writing in thoes places, observing the people I see.
They are a kind of private haven as well.
And it goes to confirm what I have believed about myself for many years...that the only time a person is in my life is when they are in need.
I have met very few people who want to just hang out with me.
And I'm very ok with that.
For many people that would be a hard place to live. They would probably end up feeling used.
But because I know what my purpose is here I'm at peace with the idea that in this life most of my life is solitary.
As a result of all of this I suspect that when my time comes to leave this life I will be alone and have to leave instructions as who to get a hold of to take care of the last details.
And as with everything else in my life, I will attend to it.
I am a vapor that comes for a little while and then disapates, and there is no memory that remains.
Except when something comes and reminds one that there was a moment in time when it existed.
There it is for a thurday morning...
Well, saturday is my last day at work. I don't know if the manager fully knows that or not.
But I told him I would stay until another person was found for the possition.
It happened very quickly. He asked me if I would be interested in another possition and it took me about 3 seconds to know the answer was no.
What ever I needed to do there is done. I remember a few months ago I got two job offers from a very large corporation and declined them both.
I talked with both the assistant mangager and the manager and both of them had different views on the subject.
The managers being if it's more money and will help your career, than go for it.
I told him at the time that it didn't always have to do with money.
I realized what I've known for so long. That when I end up in a place it's for as long as I need to be there.
What ever it is that is required of me in the place is more important than anything.
With a job the money is so far down the list of important things.
Which when I thought about it all over the last few days made me realize how much my life is just a series of appointments.
There is something to do there, and then when it's done, I have to leave it.
It's usually been very easy to leave because it becomes so uncomfortable, and keeping on gets exausting.
I will miss a few things and alot of people. But I'm not going to the moon, and there is an invention called the telephone.
I seriously doubt that any relationship I had with anyone will survive unless there is purpose in it.
When I leave somewhere I don't look back and wish it was still a part of my life.
To me that would be like saving the bits of oatmeal stuck to a bowl for months after breakfast.
Thoes bits are no longer something that I feel complelled to hang on to.
Any relationship that started in a work place for the most part fades away with time.
So far there has only been one person that I've worked with in this state that there is anything left of now.
So it goes. I have put applications in different places. But the place I'm suppose to be will show up.
And I will stay there until everything about it shuts down.
I don't get to stay in a job for years and years.
It's a very tribal view.
In many primative tribes everyone has a function, a place and what they do helps the whole tribe.
Even the contary ones, as they are refered to by the indians here in this country.
Everything goes with a certian flow and everyone lives in that flow and there is no confusion, just a rythem and pattern that continues.
It's the way it should be with each life. To know your purpose and live by the mandates of that perpose makes your place in this world the reason why you do and go tord certian things.
Everything else is just extra things.
If as my sister claims of me that I am neuotic, then there has been purpose in that too.
My life is not ment to be static. I don't get to know what working at the same place for years and years is like.
And I don't get to have many people stay in my life for my whole life.
Being aware that after saturday everything is done has done several things: it's made it so I can sleep again.
I wake up in a peaceful state.
And I am happy.
I also know that the next place I'm going to end up at will have something very specific there that I need to do.
And unless something has changed about the flow of my life, it too will be temporary, even if it lasts for a year or more.
When I talk to the person who is going to hier me, they will understand.
And it will be ok.
And having made note of all of that I'm off to bed so I can get some sleep.
Nite all. Sleep well.
I was wandeing through a book the other day on psychiactric nursing, and found some interesting things.
In the glossery it had all kinds of unique terms and what they ment and I found it to be not boring reading at all.
I tend to fall asleep when I read text books. They are the next best thing to taking a pill to make sleep come.
Anyway, it listed among other things personal space. I thought wow, here in the middle of all these terms relating to things people live in the middle of everyday, there is personal space.
The reason I started looking at this book is because my sister was talking to one of my roomates on the phone while she was waiting for me to get home from work or long enough to kind of sort through this person she was talking to, and she still has the impression of me that I'm neurotic.
I thought about it. What does it mean to be neruotic anyway?
Is that like a brand of socks that someone identifies with you when everyone does their wash together?
Or maybe it's really like a package of hot dogs that has a certian name on it that we reconize as tasting a certian way.
So the search was on. We don't have a dictionary in the house. I know that's not normal. Everyone should have a dictonary even if it's covered with dust.
Anyway, I pulled this book off the shelve, and started looking for nerotic.
I found a cool quote that kind of sums up the whole mental quirk thing:
"Nerotics build the dream house, Pshycotics live in the house, and the phsychitrist collets the rent"
I though I want that on a t-shirt!
But it still didn't answer my question. What does neruotic actually mean.
Well acording to this book neuroctic means one who worries alot.
Well if that's the case then most of the world is neurotic.
I loved this idea as well, that neurosis was only attrubited to the weatlthy and the poor were just psychotic...(who decited how to write these words? They have strange letters in weird places)
So I'm poor, that means I'm not neurotic, I'm just psycho...
I can't afford a neurosis!
It cracks me up. Half the world according to the definition is psycho and the rich part are the ones who can afford neurosis.
I could see a store call neurotics are us...things for thoes special times of worry...
It was all too funny.
50 cent words to say that worring too much is a bad thing.
I figured that part out, it makes you sick, and robbs you of sleep and makes everything else get scewed in your vision.
It becomes all you think about.
And it doesn't think about your income or anything else for that matter.
I think my sister, the only one I really ever talk to anymore, doesn't have a clue as to who I am.
She still has me in some kind of little box.
She can keep that box.
I don't live there anymore. But sadly, like most people who used to know who you were can't get it that your not that person anymore.
Even if they say the same thing about how people from their past view them.
She's fond of saying she's not the person she was way back when.
Anyway, it was a good search after all. I found out some strange things. And lots and lots of big words with too many letters, and all of it seemed so detached.
I wonder if that's what it takes to be a good head doctor...or would it be better stated an explorer of the mind?
I like that term best. Makes the person who gets 75 dollars an hour to listen and pretend they really care about the person they are listening to, when in reality they would probably much rather be somewhere else, just like the rest of us who don't like the work we do.
Ah well, there it is. Now I know what it means when people lable me neurotic.
I haven't the heart to tell them I'm too poor to aford a neurosis, but that all I can afford is a phsycosis...it's the fast food plate at the mind resutrant.
Night before last I was thinking about the ant I killed and what that did to me, and then other things began to stir.
It occured to me that we, here and now are the hope and trust of the future.
What we do now will be the inheritance we leave our children's children.
It occured to me and made me wonder if what is going on in the world is going to make the world an unlivable place for them or if wisdom is possible so that there will be a livable place for them to exist in.
I considered the rate of consumption of natural resources, and the rate that things in almost new condition are thrown away.
I considered the third world as it's refered to by the affluent one and wondered if all the things that come under the heading of aid, including, by some, what has happened in Iraq.
I put the war in that catagory for this reason, the reason given for us going to war was to free the people from tyrany and oppression.
That would be condsidered aid from the stand point that aid is designed to help people who are in a desperate situation or destute situation that can't help themselves.
Now from my perspective, the war wasn't about helping thoes people to get free from tyrany, but rather to gain control of more of the world's oil, which would be aid to the very wealthy.
Kind of a sick twist on the idea of aid.
Anyway, as I was thinking and pondering all of this, it occured to me that no one with the power and money to change what is being done here and now that is so distructive is wanting to do anything about the status quo.
No greedy rich corporate executive or no power hungry goverment leader is going to go without or less just to make things better for the future.
The only concern is the here and now.
It reminds me of a line from Juassic Park where Malcom says about the sienctists who stood on the shoulders of thoes who did the genetic research on the diasaurs, "They knew they could but did they ever thing whether or not they should"
What an intense sentament. The same could be said of the place in our history where the technology out ran the wisdom needed to keep people from doing distructive things.
We, at this point in history, are like children holding bazookas and know how to shoot them but don't understand that when we do we distroy so much.
There is no wisdom in what is being developed in so many things.
Take a look at all the drugs that are now being released to the public. The end result isn't completely known. And some of thoes drugs carry worse side effects than the problem their designed to bandaid.
The real problem is that we have become such a microwave society that there is no thinking things through to the possible end conclusion and then deciding if going through with it is really worth what it will do.
I wonder if the Right Brothers had realized the ultimate end of what their work on flying would bring, the atom bomb being able to be dropped from a plane, if they would have proceeded with their persute of conquoring the air.
I wonder if when Alber Enstine was a patton clerk, he could have seen into the future and know that he would be in part responsible for millions of death by makeing the atom bomb possible, if he would have chose to stay a patton clerk or not.
We are at a place where it's very possible to know what the future will be. We understand how fast the technology is growing and that so many things are possible.
But we forget that it is our nature to be warring creatures.
And so we keep making more things that take us further and further away from reason and wisdom.
And we are paying for it. Much of the food we eat is dead. It's been so geneticly altered and processed that any value is gone.
There are no vaible seeds comming from this "food" as it's grown.
The seed that is viable is nearning the time when it will be no longer useful.
There are people out there working to preserve species of plants and foodstuffs, and that is hopeful for the future.
But it will only remain so until the corporate farms completely wipe away the individual farmer, and the organic farmer.
Right now getting organic food is a very in thing to do.
I call that the yuppism of health food.
There is no real push to change. It's far to easy to just buy the food from some health food store and do nothing else.
It's too easy to let that food go to waste. It's too easy to shop for the latest fashion and disgard things we tire too easily from.
There is no thought for what we are really doing.
Our children are learning that having a credit card answers the impulse wants too easily.
There is no responsiblity.
And a whole generation of children are growing up believing that the only place to buy food is at a store, and that they just have to have that splashy sparkly thing a ma jig now.
In a little while they will weary of it, and then demand the latest and newest thing.
Our future. Our childrens children. They are in need of us using wisdom in how we treat the earth. We are only the caretakers of it and not the owners.
We are the temporary inhabitants of what they will inherit.
My question is this, will what they inherit kill them or give them an example of how to take care of this fragil place we call home.
I saw something today which was a delight. It was a family of plastic rubber ducks. You know the kind that ernie sings about on Sesame Street...yes, I used to watch sesame street, and enjoyed it.
Anyway, the big duck was smaller than any rubber duck I've ever seen before and the two baby ducks were about an inch long.
They were wonderful. I'm going to get this group and move them around the house, kind of a moving flock as it were.
I've done that with other things before. Moved around the house as a kind of traveling art statement. It's entertaining when someone will notice something that is traveling and pick it up and wonder about it.
I made some origami boxes and had them travel for a while, and watching people pick up the boxes and turn them over in their hands and put them back commenting on them was a wonderful experience.
These should be fun because almost everyone I know has some reference to a rubber duck somewhere in their past.
I love the song they envoke with words like, "Rubber ducky your the one"
Their so cute, yellow and thoes eyes. What a unique thing to write a song to.
The perfect date to take on a cleaning excursion.
Never complains, never says anything, but smiles dispite how much water and soap get in their eyes.
And they never poo in the water like the real thing, and they squeek when you squeeze them.
The last rubber duck I had was orange and some how got flushed down the toilet.
The duck got it's revenge however, the toilet never worked quite right after that.
I would love to find one that when you press it the song plays.
That would be the ultimate rubber duck.
It must be close to spring, dispite the return of cold weather, I'm thinking about baby ducks...even if they are rubber yellow bath toys.
Sometimes there will cross my path an oddity. Sometimes it doesn't take long for me to realize what the odity is, and other times I just wait.
I've learned that sometimes something isn't what it apears to be, and somethimes it's exactly what it looks like.
The key being patients.
It's a wonderful thing to have. Paitents. It makes everything that has an urgency, that isn't a true emergancy slow down long enough so that it's possible to get a better look.
I like cultivating patients, for a couple of reasons. It's kept me calm under pressure. Unnessiary pressure, and pressure from directions that are trying to do somthing to me that would end me up in a place I don't want to be.
There was a party I attened winter before last and there was this person there who decited that I was this important person, and proceeded to follow me around like a clingy fan...
No matter how hard I tried, there they were, trying to worm their way into my view, and have my whole attention.
I noticed that this person was there every time I turned around.
This went on for about an hour. It got annoying.
It occured to me that if I redirected this persons attention somewhere else, then I could just melt into the woodwork so to speak.
Since they were drunk, and I never quite figured out why this person had the idea that I was important, disapearing was simply a matter of doing it.
I like being in the background. When I get pushed to the front of things, I tend to push away.
When there have been gatherings out here with lots and lots of people, I can stand being around them for not very long. I like my privacy and solitude.
I get enough socialization from the work world.
People, for the most part, from what I've seen at gatherings are more intersted in getting drunk or picking someone up, or some other equally directed activity, for which I have very rare use for.
A long time ago, I did the social thing. It left me feeling rather like a peice of meat at market.
I don't like feeling like that, I didn't like it back then, although the idea of getting drunk was more apealing to me back then.
I still get drunk, but when I do, it's something I'm aiming for.
So as a result, realizing that in the morning I will feel like shit, and if that's something I can live with then I get drunk.
It doesn't happen alot needless to say.
I've learned to like my own company. And I think that's something that many people have trouble with, their own company.
So they spend their time trying to fill it with distractions, because they are "bored".
The thing is that they don't realize they are the most interesting or horrifying book they will ever read.
It depends on what's inside a person and the truth of who they are.
No mask worn for the bennefit of the world can errase who they are and at some point a person has to take off the mask so they can breathe, also known as living with yourself.
Because when you get right down to it, that's all each of us really have or own, is ourselves.
And that includes the baggage we carry, and the weight of responsiblity of our actions.
A lot to think about...
This post was edited by harold_maude on Mar 12, 2005.