harold_maude's journal

States of mind

?% | 1

# 31864

This is the third day of an on going battle with a flu bug, and my head feels like it's got cotton and something else sloshing around in there.

I feel like I've been on a very long drunk, even though I haven't been drinking. Sleep is erratic because I keep dreaming I'm late and when I look at the clock I realize that I can sleep somemore.

When I woke up this morning my ear and part of my face were numb like I'd been given a shot of novacane, and I was very peaceful. My eyes were swollen and glassy and I reconized that I was running a fever.
I can't seem to shake it. I have been taking stuff to break it, but this one is stuborn.

I think there are mutated bugs in the air.

Anyway, as the view of myself in the mirror presented it's self and I stood there looking at what a strange creature I looked like I wondered what it would be like to have the features of your face mutate to what you were feeling like in side.

If you were depressed would you become different shades of blue depending on how depressed you were?
Or happy, what would happy look like as it changed a person's face?

Then I started thinking about how plugged up my ears were and how funny it would look if people who never really listened to anyone but themselves had corks in their ears.
It would be a sure way to tell if you really wanted to talk to someone or not.

And then my thoughts started going really weird. I started thinking about inlays on instruments and how cool it would be if you could build a box that depending on what inlay you put on the surface would determine the music that came out.

Then my thoughts went to how dark it was outside and I wondered if the sun was going to come out or if it was going to be weird out there today.

I checked my face again, and yep it was still numb.
I wasn't worried about it. Which is a little strange considering that it was numb.
I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Then it hit me. I'm too sick to be worried.
I don't have the energy to worry when I'm sick so it's ok.
I've had this floaty feeling all day and so it's ok.
I've been drinking lots and lots of water and I hope that helps to flush this out of my system.

I wonder what a person who was drinking a martini would do if the olives started screaming to be let out of the glass all of a sudden.

Or if when you went to put on socks they refused because it was so cramped and dark in your shoes.
I wonder if peoples feet get depressed durring the winter because they have to be in the dark all the time.
And the only time they get out is to either when the rest of the body is in the shower or tub or when they get stripped for bed unless a person wears socks to bed, then they only time they see daylight is when they go in the shower.

I wonder about alot of things. Usually from a strange perspective, although I'm very sure there are other people out there who look at things and wonder about things that are from a strange perspective as well.

I would love to be in a room full of people who disgussed strange perspectives and followed things to weird conclusions.
Nothing would be solved, but it would be fun.

Seems I've gone on a bit. so I'm going to stop for the moment and go blow my nose. Maybe my ears will unplug for a while.
That would be nice.

Invantoryitis...or I see numbers

94% | 3

# 31583

It was invantory day today. I'm glad it's over. Everything went well, which is good, but all thoes numbers. UPC's SKU's and the amount and differences in counts and all the other fun things that go with the event.
We spent a week preparing for it.
And it was cleaning time too. Everything that needed to be gotten rid of was and everything else that had to be put out was and now that it's done, life will return to the patterns and rythems that go with winter.

It's amazing to me that people spend so much money in December for Christmas and still their not satisfied with that. I know that lots of the money spent went for gifts, but alot of what the money went to was in the "other" catagory.
Which translated means "I want this and I want it now"

How much stuff can a person have before they get to the point where the "need" to shop goes into a sleep mode. It's not like it's food. But it's stuff and things and more stuff and do hickies and whacha macallits, and what ever other name you want to give to the flood.

And I can say with out too much worry of being wrong that by summer when the yard sales start that a big portion of what has been bought will end up being disgarded in favor of the latest, newest gaget that is out there on the market.
Or the lastest fad.

I live in the most wasteful contry in the world. Any given day you can visit any dumpster behind any apartment building and find a vast amount of household goods that there is nothing wrong with. It's not broken or wrecked, it just simply got borning to have around. The new fashionable stuff is better.
And people buy that belief. And they go into debt for that belief.

In this country you can aquire a whole house full of furnature for next to nothing at a variety of second hand stores or even free when you get it out of the trash.
Last summer we saw and 8 foot white leather couch sitting next to a dumpster and there was nothing wrong with it. It looked as if it had never been used.

I see the waste where I work all the time as well. Brand new things being thrown out because they have been discontinued. And on the heels of all the waste comes more stuff and things to take it's place.
When the beginning of the year comes round invantory begins.
I wonder what an invantory of how much next to new stuff there would be if it were all kept record of. My guess is that the numbers would be off the charts.

I'm glad this day is done. I can get back to trying to do what it is that I guess I'm suppose to do. And most of the time it has nothing to do with the job I was hiered for in the first place. So much for thinking that if you get hired for a job that it's what you get to do.
I've come to the conclusion that most of us out there who work for corporations are nothing more than trained monkeys.

I have started looking around for a new job, but I think that most of what's out there is pretty much like the job I have now.
I seriously think the perfect job for me is to run my own business where I don't have to view people like wallets with legs because that's what's required of me by some corporation.

And I don't think we would do alot of invantory. Simply because we would end up selling outdated things that have been disgareded.
And alot of recycled things too.
Laid back and very little stress. Maybe a crazy coffee house for artists right in the middle of it all.
Sounds more like fun than a job.
Sounds like something of value. Now all I have to do is win the lottery so I can do just that.

Cold and colder

91% | 2

# 31272

You would think by the tempratures that we had been transported to one or the other poles.
It's cold out there and I can't help but wonder how many people will be alive in the city tomorrow morning.

They say it's going to get colder, and there don't seem to be enough clothes to bundle up in to stop the cold from rattling around in my bones.

I've never experienced heat that was so hot that I couldn't escape it. Yes, I've been in places where the temprature rose above 100 degrees, but that was only for a short time.
Then it would subside, and 90 would seem comfortable then.

But they say that it's going to get colder out there. Tonight it's suppose to hit between -10 and minus 25 or 30.
I know there are people who are homeless and they are out there.
If I were a polar bear this would probably seem comfortable..so I suppose it's all relative.

I heard on the news the other night that we are in another el ninio and that's why all of this is going on.
I don't know if I spelled that right.
But what ever it is, it's cold!

I wonder if there will ever be a time when there isn't some kind of drought or death cold going. It would be nice to have something somewhere in a middle ground.

But I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.
I think that much of what is happening is because the earth is still changing and in the middle of constant growth.
I think that the winds the way the jet stream flows are in direct relation to what's going on inside the earth.
I know the sun and the moon affect things here to some extent, but I think that the weather is in direct relationship to the earth's ever changing face.

Here's another thought that goes through my head...if the sun is slowly getting bigger will there come a point where the sea will just start getting warmer and warmer and end up boiling away?
And this thought, how can it be so cold at the bottom of the sea when just below it is a molten core? Kevin just explained why.
I remember seeing thoes cut aways of the earth in school. I always thought the core looked like a gum ball.
A big red gum ball.
And if it was a big red gum ball what flavor would it be?
Cinnamon? Cherry? Raspberry?
I think cinnamon. Or red pepper maybe...

What if the planets tasted like something? I know that probably sounds really stupid, but use your immagination for a second here...if the planets tasted like something what would that something be?
Maybe mars would taste like chili sauce or pizza sauce.
A big ball of floating pizza sauce waiting for comets that taste like pepperoni.
And a few of thoes babies and you have cosmic pizza...

And what about the cosmic fish out there? Maybe they vacation on Neptune. It's a blue planet.

And Jupiter, well it might be a big ball of salsa dip...maybe it's all just a giant suppermarket out there and our taste buds are just too primative to know what we're missing.

what does this all have to do with it being so cold out there tonight? Well not a lot but hey, it gets my mind off how cold I am and working tomorrow.

Well, I suppose that's about all for the moment...sleep well for thoes who are about to do so and for thoes who's day has just begun have a good one and stay safe...
remember to tell thoes you love that you do...there is no time like the present to say thoes things that are important.

Sunday evening

# 31111

Here it is, sunday evening and there are few precious hours in the night.
The silver strands of frost haven't moved off the plastic in days.
Their pretty in all the different kinds of lights that hit them.
But they remain as will the plastic on the windows until the warmer weather shows up again.

I watch the plastic move with the beating of the wind and think about how much colder it could get if the plastic wasn't there.
This house was built in 1909 and so it's not the most well built house in the world.
But it's been here almost a hundred years now and if we're still here when it turns one hundred we'll celebrate with a huge bash.

I can immagine if the walls could talk what stories they would have to tell. All the faces of the people who have passed through here. The different times that it's seen. The depression, the flu epidemic of 1919, world war II, the first man on the moon and countless tornados.

And it's still here. Doing what it's always done. Living it's life as a house.
The old wood stove is still in the basement, and so is a huge pile of mud turned dirt from when the basement wall collapsed a few years ago as they were digging the ground up for something.

The oil tank still sits in the far corner, and it still has oil in it, although I think by now it must be no longer useable.
The wood beams still remain, and one of them is the trunk of a tree, stripped down naked, and all the memories of of people marking it up still remain.
The floors upstairs are uneven and the narrow stair case leading to the second floor is a testament to how stairs used to be put in houses. Steep and narrow.
There are old slats behind plaster and about three months ago we found some old newpapers behind some of the exposed parts of the stair walls.
They were from Novemeber 1922.

It was funny to see coats for sale for 42 and 43 dollars.
Then there was the social news and there was the sports section.
There was an article about a judge who had died, and it said what a great man he was, and talked about his life. He was born when this was still just a territory, and not a state.

I add my voice to all thoes who lived here before me. And my dreams and my tears. If you added all thoes up how big would the puddle be?

Even though there are many struggle right now going on, I think I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm sleeping in a bed tonight instead of outside.
I ate today. It wasn't a lot of food. But at least I ate.
The kitten we have inside greeted me with loud purrs and lots of kitty hugs after I came home from work.
The pipe that was frozen is now thawed and we have running water again.
And we have toilet paper. That's an awesome thing. Toilet paper. It's a luxury that alot of people in the world don't have.
I don't have problems that could even begin to equal thoes of the people who got their lives distroyed by the tsumini.
And I don't have to try to go from day to day thinking about the death of my children like the woman who's children died in a house fire in a town not too far south from here just a few days ago.
She went to work. Her children who ranged in age from 17 to 3 were getting ready for another day and something went wrong and the house caught fire and they couldn't get out.
What a horrible thing to find out.
I think her heart must be shattered in a million peices. And I don't think she sleeps at night.
My heart breaks for her.

I have alot to be thankful for...and I think more than anything, I wanted to step back a bit and think about the good things of my life instead of everything else.
And on top of all the things I have to be greatful for is that I'm loved. And that's the best thing I have to be thankful for.
Maybe thinking about thoes things will help me sleep good for a change.

Deep in the heart of January

93% | 3

# 30975

Well, it seems that the after thought of winter has arrived.
With all the connection to Christmas that snow has, it seems that the months that follow after are almost an after thought.

Kind of a cold emotional left over. This year the month of December seemed to be filled to over flowing with the mentality that this was the last December that shopping was allowed.

It was everywhere. But there was no snow to accompany the madness. It would have made the picture complete somehow.

Now here it is, January and there has been the first snow dump of winter. Actually, when you think about it, winter has only been here for a few weeks.
That is, of course, according to the western calander, but else where it may be some other time of year. Still winter or summer based on what part of the world you live in.

A side note to all of this: I found out a couple of years ago that south of the equator the toilet water goes the other way when you flush.

Anyway, winter is here and driving is a terrifying act that I have been going through since the white stuff started falling.
I would love for it to snow everywhere but on the roads.
That would solve alot of problems. I think I'm going stir crazy.
I feel a bit crazy lately. And sleep isn't worth alot lately and every time I get behind the wheel of the car, my body goes into this stress mode.
I get back here and I'm still shaking. And all I can think of is how long will this last...

Ah yes, it's winter. I wish I could be someplace where it was a few blocks to work. I'd walk, even in the dead of winter...
So this is winter in the middle of the country....
I found out the other day that alot of people here go crazy in winter.
Too cold to go out side, and so your stuck inside except to go to work and on your way home, if you need any food that's when you pick it up.
And you spend the rest of the time wondering if you'll have to face a mountain of snow in the morning or if the roads will be clear.
You look at the clock and when 9 or 10 starts getting close you feel it start all over again.
This is the worst January I can ever remember...
I've fought depression before in winter, but nothing like this...
I used to want to move to alaska, there was never enough winter for me.
Now, however, there is an over load of it...and I just want to be warm and not have to deal with crazy people on the road...

The war between me and this computer

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# 30779

Common, put up your circuts you wiely thing you!

that's me. Threatening this computer when it goes blank and just sits there like a big pile of plastic and circuts.

It says nothing but, like a stuborn mule, I know it's plotting.

It wants to go on computer vacation!

Of all the nerve! Immagine a computer making demands of me! How dare it be so blatent.

Actually it's been a bear lately and trying to write like I need to sometimes has been difficult. So I've been painting like crazy.
I've also been spending hours playing music as well, and watching strange movies like the fantastic planet and soylant green, and other off the wall movies like that.

I've been trying to not worry so much about things I can't change and I've decited that since my hours at work are so regular each week, that I need to enjoy my days off and just be weird.

I need thoes moments of weirdness, where it's all ok.
Paint me green and blue and call me "where ever the wild fungi grow"
I'm about to get some sleep. I'm falling asleep...and I better get this posted fast before the computer pulls a circut dead moment on me and forgets what it's supposed to do.

Sweet dreams....


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