harold_maude's journal

Blood and blue moons

91% | 2

# 27278

I remember the first time I saw a blood moon. It was like something out of the twilight zone. It seems that they are a common occurance when you get past the rocky mountians.
The blue moon on the other hand is a much rarer animal that occurs, well only once in a blue moon.

Why I decited to think about this tonight instead of the very currant and frustrating aspects of my job, is because it's something way off the subject and since when I try to get things straightened out I never seem to be able to communicate everything I need to so that my deepening frustration will go away.

So blue and blood moons it is. I could have just as easily thought about the lint balls you can make after your done drying clothes. And if you have some of thoes googlie eyes they sell in every craft store across america you and make seeing eye'd tribbles.

If you are familar with the very first 5 years of the star trek sagga that took place on T.V. You know what a tribble is and how they hated klingons and love vulcans and mulitplied at will.
And boy did they have the will to!

Then they started dying at an alarming rate, because the klingons were poisioning the tritakale grain and the tribbles being tribbles and always hungry or having babies, got into the grain and since it was poisioned they started kicking the bucket.

Actually the tribbles were born pregnant acording to Dr. Mcoy.
The ships doctor who the captin was always calling bones. Anyway thanks to the tribbles the day was saved and the plot was found out and even though we all felt bad about the little guys who looked like fuzz balls the bad grain wouldn't end up killing millions on some planet.

Anyway, so I could have thought about lint and giving it eyes after you roll it up into a ball, but I decited to write about blue moons, and yes blood moons. Seems that here where there is nothing to obstruct the dust in the air, the moon when it first rises looks like it's covered in blood. And what's even stranger is that face that is in the moon, takes on the apearance of a skull.

I think that's why the legand of the blood moon says that if you see one someone is going to die soon.
If you think about it, it's pretty acurate because people die somewhere everyday, it's just most of them we don't know. They just die and if they have family then they get burried, but what about all thoes poor souls who die with no family left to burry them?

There is a cemetary up near the town I grew up in and I was curious one day about it, so I tracked it down and found out that it was a place where they put thoes who died in the local mental instution in who had no family. Lots of unmarked graves. There are a few pioneer families burried there, but it's got a lot of bones from people who had no family to care for them.

Then I found out something really strange. In the town where I was born, there are streets in the city proper where houses are that used to be cemetary plots, and when it came time to build on thoes places no one bothered moving the bodies. The woman I talked to said that they should becareful how deep they dig when they plant their gardens, because it's unnerving to be digging holes for your roses and find bones.

That got me to thinking about how many places across this country where people were burried and no one kept a record and now everyone's forgotten. I heard that when the ohio river flooded it's banks in recient years there were alot of caskets that surfaced.

How easy it is to forget where the legecy of our past ends up, and how easy it is to just build, build, build because there are highrises and apartment buildings to fill and business that need bigger and better.

If you go into older cemetaries the ground is not level and the headstones are old and if you are into gathering information through rubbings of the headstones, you can find some cool old works of art still around.
You'll notice that when you walk through these places that the history that lays before you is overwhelming, and sad.

In the modern cemetary the bodies are put into cement vaults and the end result is level ground. When you walk through grounds it's almost as if there are only headstones there and the charm and mystery and history is missing.

I think being able to see the places that have risen and sunk over the years serves to remind us how fraglie life is, and that someone loved thoes people enough to take the time to burry them with care.
I know that's partly why I love cemetaries. That and the beautiful trees and the statues that grace the grounds. I know that there are cemeteries where I won't go because of the uneasy feel about them, while others exude rest and peace.

I'm sure to some this is all very morbid and not a subject that one talks about in such easy terms.
I used to feel that way, until when my son was in the 5th grade the class he was in had a field trip that was unusal. They were taking the kids to three of the cities cemetaries, where they would do rubbings of headstones and along with that they would get to ask questions of the caretakers, and there was the list they were given of people that fit into different catagories that they had to find.
The purpose was to dispell the idea that cemetaries were scary places associated with halloweeen.

It was a historical trip for the kids, and the parents who accompanied the kids it was a chance to see the cemetary at some other time than a time of greif and sadness, where no one talks about what they see, or if they have questions it's a bad time to ask them.

It was such a good experience that when they offered it again the following year to all the kids in the 6th grade, I signed up to go again. It changed how I viewed cememtaries.
Now I enjoy wandering through them for the most part.
But as I said there are some that make me uncomfortable so I tend to not go to thoes.

I think I got side tracked, happens alot these days. Not alot makes much sense, but I guess that it's better than thinking about a job that frustrates me to no end, and makes me want to become a hermet, and work where I never see people who can't figure out even the simplest things.
Yeah it is better.

What tales men will weave when power is on the line

72% | 2

# 27206

We watched most of the debate tonight between John kerry and George.
It was annoying at best, but over all John was the more composed speaker of the evening, while George was shaking in his very expensive suit.
I wonder if it was an armani....

The main theme that kept comming up was George's retoric about terrorism and John's ever changing stand on things.

The things I would have like to hear them talk on was their view on the goverment project "Monarch", the skull and bones, and the rights that keep getting taken away under the guise of national security.

Thoes things that I mentioned above are all matter of public record and information on them abounds on the net.

I would have liked to hear George explain why the only plain flying over us skies after 911 was the Osma family plane as it was leaving Texas.

I would have liked to hear the explaination as to why the true numbers of casulties are never mentioned on us broadcasts, but you can get them on the bbc.

I would like to have heard them explain why Iraq is the main focus of the continued area where troops and army bases are being built, if this was just suppose to be a quick deal.
They did touch on it a bit, but it was the usual side track mess.

I would have loved to hear the explaination for why our goverment continues to strip away our freedoms gaurenteed by the constitution under the guise of it being done to protect the american people.

I agree with John's assement that if we are demanding that other countries not build nuclar weapons than we shouldn't either. Dispite the demands of the american goverment that other countries not build them, our goverment is now building and testing nuclar weapons that will be used on bunkers.

I'd also like to have it explained to the american people why we have weapons of mass distruction in our posession. We have a stock pile of deadly virus's in our posession. Thoes could be put inside a small bomb and upon impact it would kill millions of people. Does that or does that not qualify as a weapon of mass distruction?

Both of these men are in persute of the highest office in the country. It's about power. Not about governing the people in a way that honors the people.

After listening tonight, the only one of the two that had any valid things to say was John. But that really dosen't mean squat.
George said alot of things before he got into office, how much of what he said has he followed through on?
Will John be any better?
I know I don't want to live through four more years of business as usual.
I can't afford it.

I listened to what was said, and believed almost, none of it.
For me the proof is in the pudding.
And George has shown the american people and the rest of the world what kind of pudding he makes.
I don't know that John's will be any better.

It's just a strugle for power is what this whole thing really boils down to, and what that power can end up costing us.

What isle do I find lost purposes in?

93% | 3

# 27138

I'm waiting. For everyone to leave the house so I can start doing the things I need to do. It won't be long. I want to be here, in solitude and quite, and do, what ever.

Last night the weatherman said that there could be a possiblity of frost comming and that will bring the turning of the leaves into a faster pace. It's almost october now. Almost a year since we left, or rather escaped from one of the most depressing places I have ever been to.

It was sucking the life out of me in a rapid hurry and I got to the point where I was ready to walk out, when my mother sent just enough money for us to escape.

Here it is, alnost a year later and I'm restless again. I feel time doing things and I feel my body telling me that winter is comming.
I can't remember a time when it felt like spring comming inside. Summer has for a long time represented pain, and the comming of fall for many years was the best time of the year for me.

Now, however, what I feel is a sense of lack. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin now. I wish I could take off my skin and take a long vacation from myself. But humans don't have secret zippers somewhere so when we want to get away from our selves we can.
Would be nice though if we could.

A couple of years ago, when this adventrue started in my life, I was full of wonderful pioneeric ideals of going off into the unknown and finding an abandoned house and making it not only liveable but comfortable. I knew that there would be alot of hard painful work, and that I would probably fail alot, but I was pumped for the challange.

I wanted to find people who were into bartering and leave money off somewhere and not be a part of this madness that gobbles up everyone and everything in sight.
Back to somewhere....anywhere, where life was more about people who's need were dependant on whether or not they gathered and hunted for food and used the time before them with wisdom rather than being like the grasshopper in the story of the ant and the grasshopper.

It's horrible to have a need so deep to know what your made of and all you spend your time doing is being sidetracked by things that in the end don't and won't matter.

I've come to the conclusion that when the time comes for me to actually get a shot at my dreams, my body will have gone on permeant protest against doing anything more difficult than making it to some kitchen and conquoring the morning oatmeal.

I hear people all the time who are young wanting this and wanting that, and who hate their job, but in the very next breath complain about the things they can't buy or the concert they can't go to because of money.

I hate money. Life is more than money, but it's the most focused on thing that slapps a person in the face all the time.
I know I was born far too late. I'm outta sinc with the present and like a disjointed rag doll, cast off because it's too old to be attractive anymore, I am left to wish and want but not able to do what it is that would make what I want possible.

So now, it's wensday morning, my focus is gone, and I'm wandering around like a man who lost left his house key inside, absentmindly locked the door, and now he's outside in his underwear hoping the neighbors arn't up yet.

Ah the joys of not knowing what your doing in life. Soon everyone will be off to work. I'm going to get laundry done today, and the dishes too.
Maybe thoes simple things will be the thing that has all the answers that I need right now...(where is the back of the box of cereal when you need one)

Wish me luck on my laundry. I don't know where I'm gonna put all thoes clean clothes when their done. There isn't enough draw space, as we have one small dresser for both our clothes and some bags that they usually end up in.
That comes from having no furnature to speak of and taking people's cast offs because it's all you can afford.

I guess it's better than having them stuffed in the back of a small truck. We did that for over a year when we had no place to live. The money thing again. No job, only selling bits of jewerly and paintings, enough to keep gas in the truck so that we wouldn't freeze to death.
Eating maybe once a day some days. If we had been in a bigger city, or close to one, finding the grocery stores with open dumpsters would have been a good thing. We could have lived off what people were throwing away.

I've known several people who were homeless at one point and survived by eating food out of dumpsters because it was the only thing they could afford to do.

The great and massive depression of the present hidden away in the mist of modern day society, where even thoes with jobs can't afford a decient quality of life, or a reasonable standard of living. And no one, not the goverment, not the agencies who are designed to help really give a rat's left foot what happens to the people who are drowing in this depression.
And why? Because it's so rampent. The middle class is fast disapearing, leaving only two groups, the rich and the poor, both the homeless poor, and the working poor.
I'm waiting for the complete collaps of the economy as we know it, and when it comes, and very few people remember how to live off the land, there will be more than just a fincial collaps that occurs, it will become the survival of thoes who are not nessiarily the strongest, but thoes who remember and are able to live off the land. The truely educated in what is out there to eat.

Bye bye mc donalds and malls and all the other useless crap that has been shoved down our throats as the nessities of life...

once upon a time, your neighbors were as familar to you as your own family, and it wasn't nessary to lock and bolt the doors, for fear of someone breaking in.
Crime existed to be sure, but it was somewhere else, not in your lap.

Oh well, enough of thinking about this for today. I'm sure it will still be screaming at me tomorrow morning or tonight when day is done. I've got an abundance of discontent....any one want to barter?

Somewhere just after midnight

91% | 2

# 27094

It's dark out there, just past the doors. The moon is full
and kevin is out playing music by a fire that he and the other kevin who lives here built.

He built himself a didjeirdu out of pvc, it was handy and he was on a mission after obtaining several tracks of aborignal music that he has been listening to rather intently for a while now.
I love the sound he makes as he gets lost in releasing his soul music. He sometimes goes into one of the silos that has long since lost it's covering and plays there.
It fills the need he has for the sound and feel of base. It's enegized him.

We've talked about the tribal music that sometimes takes place at the fires, usually just drums that people bring, along with the few that we have here.
I play sometimes on a barrel and loose myself in the beat that comes.
Like a heart beat.
or several, depending on how you look at it.
Now we will have more music and I've been thinking about taking some of the dead branches to fashion some other primitve instruments so that we will have more music still.
On occasion I will howl, but it's usually when I'm a good distance from the fire, since it can be rather loud and long when I do.

Maybe the answer I've been searching for has been in the journey into the deepest part of my soul, the most primative, maybe that's why I was so angry this morning out of the blue.

Everything in my life right now seems to be disgarding things,
stuff that doesn't matter.
Even with all the "needs" that we are facing which are difficult to have right now, maybe even thoes arn't as important as I have looked at them to be.

I'm sure when I get down the road a peice things will begin to make more sense, and the answers to why all of this occured will present it's self.
I don't know if I will like the answers, or if I will be scared because of how things could have gone, if there had been different choices made.

But I'm on a road, traveling somewhere, I don't know the destination yet, I do know that all thoes half started things are probably going to be given away, I'm loosing the need for them more and more each day.

I still can't see down the road. And that still bothers me.
It's like there is nothing there.

But maybe that in itself is an answer, that there is nothing there, until we need to see it.
I wish that thought would make me less uncomfortable, and give me the resolve and focus I need to plow ahead.
But even that thought doesn't.
I guess it's just my time for massive discomfort...
kind of reminds me of what a mother eagle does to the nest when it's time for the babies to learn to fly...

Monday morning

86% | 4

# 27050

I woke up this morning feeling a mixture of things. First, not so pukie, which is good. And second, pissed off.

It's been growing all morning long and since I need a place to dump this anger, which is fast becomming rage, this is a good place to dump it. I wish I could take all the rage I feel right now and dump it into the trash and be done with it, but I can't.

I'm angry about the stupidity of corportate america, and how there is this determination to make everything so fucking uniform, fuck indiviuality. Gotta make everyone the same.
Shit, we might as well all be stepford pukes.

Take a look around at what you see the next time you go into any large store. Then go to the next one. And the next. It's the same, shoving this plastic, fall apart, designed for the landfills crap that is completely worthless.

Look at the cars on the road, all the same stupid shit, nice shit when it's new, but with insurance being so outrageous the best most people can hope for is to die in debt trying to pay off the car, or the house, that their never there to enjoy, or the boat. It's america! The land of opportunity! Where the streets are paved with gold! There are people out there from other countries who are fed this stuff and believe it.
I've talked to several who have come here, because they believe that mess.

The ultimate bennifeciaries of all this mass buying is corporate america, to which I gladly and proudly give the finger to.
I hate the mess, and feel helpless to do anything about it.

All of this started with this job I got. Well it started before that with the invantory service I worked for. I saw the stuff of store shelves and how people are when they shop, and managers who are only interested in how much people spend, and wear plastic smiles, and do the monkey dance because the corportate head quarters requires it, and if they don't there is always someone else out there who will.
We, the people are the ultimate waste product of this magnificant machinery. Which we support and encourage every time we buy stuff made in sweat shops from around the world.

There are places where people are crammed in to dormitories, some with bathroom facilities, many with out. They work 12 hour days, and make any where from 8 cents and hour to 23 cents an hour. They ship this stuff here, mark it up several thousand percent and then it gets stuffed down the american throat. Ahhhhh the good life. Nothing like it! We love our crap. Hail to the CEO's who wear armani suits and drive BMW's all on the backs of slaves.

The television is crammed full of reality crap shows which have absoulty no redeeming value, but they are addictive. And a waste of time. And if that doesn't tickle your fancy, then hey go to the nearest liquor store and buy something, get drunk and drive all over the fucking road! It's road klll season folks! Open all year. Never any waiting. Just get behind the wheel of your fancy car that you owe up the ying yang for and if you get in a wreck, just hier some fat glutonous lawyer to get you off the hook. It doesn't matter. They will lie for you! They did for OJ.
They did for Bill Janklo, an illustrerous pollitical leader that was driving drunk and hit and killed a man on a motor cycle. He got 100 days jail time. This wasn't his first offence, but hey, we the american people paid through the nose and ass for the car he was driving.

No wonder mother nature is going nuts on us. We are like a bunch of lemmings and as our rights our being taken away one by one with out our consent, and we are slowly but systematicly being turned into slaves, we don't know how to fight back. We don't give a shit....just give us our toys and leave us alone. Give us our designer clothes, our fast food, or instant gratification and fuck the rest of it.

Now I know some one is going to come along and point out exceptions to everything I've said. I know the damn execptions, I'm one of thoes exceptions, I don't shop at walmart or k-mart or any other super dupper super sized incedious store like that. I make my clothes when I can, and the stuff I have to buy, I go to the thrift stores for. I'm living off america's junk.
I shop for groceries at the little mom and pop stores because they are the places where the little guy is.

I drive an older truck, one that's almost 20 years old and am trying to do everything to keep it in running condition. I don't go out to dinner, I can barely afford to buy groceries, it's been about three years since I bought my last pair of shoes, the ones I have now are starting to get holes in the sole, and when they do, I will put newspaper in the bottom until I can save enough money to get another pair.
I do volunteer work and help out where ever and when ever I can. So don't talk to me about exceptions.
I'm pissed this morning at so much stupidity and so much waste and so many places that arn't safe, and the devistaion that's being done to the human race because corporate america is in league with the goverment of this country to destroy every natural resource we have.

And it all centers around money. I hate money. But in order to live in a house or an apartment or eat, it's required.

Deep sigh....I think I was born about 100 years too late...
I would have put this in my other on line journal, the one no one ever reads. That's where all this kind of stuff normally goes. But someone from here said something to the effect of not being afraid of letting all of me show. So here it got put.
anger and all...
my appologies in advance to thoes who will be offended by this.

The collective

# 27023

I left work early today. I was sick when I left and came home and slept most of the afternoon. What ever it was is still kind of there, my stomach is not so good and I'm still lightheaded.
I know my boss didn't like the idea, but it was either come home or puke everywhere and then pass out.

I had some more rather disturbing dreams and these were even more strange than the one that woke me up this morning.
I'm beginning to wonder if they are related in some way and some how connected to August.

The first sequence was set at a peir at the mouth of a large river that dumps out into the ocean. The two sides of the river were joined by a draw bridge with a center station that controlled both sides of the bridge.

On either side of the center station the bridge was split in two sections, and only one half raised while the other half retracted into the station, so subquently only one side of the station was set in motion at any given time.

Again I was with a group of people who I didn't know and we had been on one side of river and had crossed the bridge past the part that was raised up when the alarm started sounding and the bridge started seperating.
It caught us off gaurd and we all started running. The retractable part started moving faster and so we had to haul ass just to get to the center station and when we got there there the wind started to pick up and it was like the center of a tornado.

We each grabbed on to what ever railing was close enough and hung on. One of the women grabbed on to a railing and was lifted off the ground until she was completely upside down. It was at this point that I noticed that everyone had really dark hair and they were completely pale. Like they had never been outside.

I was hanging onto a rail and I was lifted off the ground until I was completely sideways. I managed to look into the station and it was completely empty. Which was strange because in my dream this station was a tourist attraction and it had several operators present at all times. But no one was in there.
Then the dream sequence just stopped. Like stopping in mid sentance.

The next sequence of events were strange too. I was at work, but not my job in waking time, but in an office. I was walking down a hall and I came to a room with glass panels so I could see in. There were six people in the room. Kevin was one of the people. The other five people I didn't reconize. There was a t.v against the glass and the way everyone was seated was there were two people sitting on couches that were really long oposite of each other and kevin and this girl were sitting in a chair at the end of the room facing the tv.

The four people sitting on the couches were dressed in black and were very pale with dark hair. The girl sitting with kevin had blond hair and she was wearing a flowered dress that was very short. She and kevin were in the process of feeling each other up and I walked into the room.
I felt nothing at seeing him with someone else. And he didn't notice I was there. I waited for him to look my way, but he was completely engrossed in the girl. She was unfamilar.

It was almost like this was a room where the people in it were being observed. Then the dream just stopped.

Both of these sequences were very real, just like last night, even in how surreal they were. The color black as I think about it was very prominent in all the dream sequences I've started having over the last few days. That's why I think their related to what happened at the beginning of August. Everything going totally black.

More than anything I wish I could talk to someone who understood threads of things when they are all related like I'm sure these are.

All I can do at this point is keep recording the events of the dreams as they come and if it keeps up, which I'm thinking it's going to, try to sort through all of what's going on.

In waking time, meantime, I still feel very vacant, like there is nothing. The black is still there, it's just moved to a place just out of view. But it's still there. I can't seem to shake it.

I wonder if this was the bad that Drift was talking about...
He was the man we spent the month with that told us about our past and about things comming. There was no way he could know all thoes details about our pasts, since we had never met him before.
He's dead now, and so there is no way to call him and talk to him. I've told kevin about the dreams and he doesn't know what to make of them either. Or why everything went black in August.
If there is anyone out there who understands threads like this I would appreciate hearing from you with your thoughts.

I normally can sort through dreams and different things come clear, and there is always a reason that dreams that disturb come. In this process, because it's been over several days and I'm sure is some how connected to what happened, I've been unable to make any sense of it.
If I have no more dreams like this, then I will just write all this off as a bad bump in the road and go on. That seems the most reasonable thing to do.
If it continues, well then I hope someone shows up with something, a peice of all of this that will make sense.

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