harold_maude's journal

Nightmears

# 46452

It's monday morning. I just woke up. I was having a nightmear of bizaar perportions.

I was having a seizure in the dream when I woke up. There were strobe lights, I was sitting in the class room, and there were words that were being spoken with each flash.
"The florida association of panthers grove" is all I can remember of the words, but leading up to that, there was the reality that I was screwed because these people were from the goverment, the part that deals with internal security. The stuff you never hear about.

The rest of the class was sitting there with smiles on their faces and they were gone, really gone. Their eyes were glazed over and there was nothing else there.
As the lights were flashing I was sitting under my desk saying "I want to go home now" and knowing there was no way that they were going to let me go after I heard and saw what I had.

It's raining out. It just started. Hard rain. What a way to start a monday.
I had a migraine when I went to bed last night.

I don't know if I will make it through this class or not. We will see what we will see. I don't know how I feel about this job, or much of anything right now.
I do know that if anything has the potential to make me ill, it's this job.

We will see how strong I am. There is a woman comming to talk to us about insurance today. I know already that it's not a good deal. I got two of the peices of paper on it on friday and since I have done research already on insurance I know that in order to have this insurance another job is nessiary just to be able to eat.

So screw their term of benefits. It's a lie. It usually is.
It works out to this, a person works at a job with what is termed benefits, but they are in fact working for next to nothing because if they don't need to see a doctor durring the year they never get that money back.
So it's like flushing it down the toilet. The insurance only covers a percentage, and along with paying for the deductable, which is generally outragous, as it's in the thousands range, your still paying these redicilous monthly premiumns.
Health care in this country is outrageous anyway.

If you've ever seen the inside of some of these doctor's offices you'd understand why health care is so out of the ballpark.
I remember taking a catering order to one doctor's office and the place looked like a mansion inside complete with a chandiler and a walk in fire place.

It's obscene all the way around. And that does piss me off.
So I'll sit there and listen, because I'm required to, but as far as I'm concerned the woman can take a flying leap off a building.

I need to go take a shower.

Dream states

# 46451

All this stuff from work is spilling into my dreams. Like a scene from the orginal Superman movie where superman is on his way to earth and you can hear his father talking to him, teaching him.

I knew my head was on over load. I'm trying to process everything from the last week. In one part of the sequences that I can remember the city came back to mind. The city built entirely of thought transmitted by light.
The only thing I can relate it to is fiber optic cables. For each cable there were two cables one going in one direction and one going in the oposite direction.

The whole city was vibrating as thoughts went here and there.
Buildings were made of thought, streets, houses, they were all the same.
From a distance it was amazing. Colors shifting and making other colors.

Then in another part of my dream words, lots and lots of words kept flying by. Too many words. Too much information.

Finally I woke up. Enough of this kind of sleep.
I'm still tired. Still too tired. And it's Sunday and I have another day of trying to get caught up on something.

Last night I came to the conclusion that I need to make some hiding places again. Sanctuary places that I can escape to.
I had many for many years. I remember thinking, wishing that someone else could see what I saw in thoes places.
But there wasn't ever anyone else there but me.

For the last seven years I have seen things of the world. Interacted with different people and have come to the conclusion that there is no else out there who could identify with what is familiar to me. What some would term a soul mate.
Not to be confused with the kind of soul mate that a person marrys or has an intimate relationship.
The kind who lives in that same space as you do, just in a different body.

They don't exist for me. I am alone in this world. The common ground I know only knows me. I've had to make peace with this realization because if I don't or hadn't it would be too painful to live life with the feelings of loneliness that come with the understanding of being so alone in the world.

At the same time of uderstanding this I reconize others who have been and are alone in this world. Where they are is only for them as well. The gound they walk on only knows them as well.

So I have to create hiding places again so that I don't keep getting beat up by people who have no understanding and don't want it.

The hiding places are wonderful. They are healing, and nurturing and beautiful. And most important they are private.

I am angry at this place where I work. Angry for dumping so much information in my head in such a short time. It's been like standing on a street and garbage trucks dumping their load on my head, one after another and not being able to escape.

Words, like thousands of singing insects attacking all at once.
Numbers like biting ants that swarm.
I am angry at them for doing this. But I understand that this is how they train people. It's their way. And because I don't want to be homeless and spend the day looking through dumpsters to find food, I have subjected myself to their way.

This job has benefits, but the benefits end up costing about half of what I make per hour there so from my perspective they arn't benefits at all, but a way for the company to steal back from the employees who work there.
I have opted to keep as much of my paycheck as I can. If I took the benefits I would have to find another job just to keep eating.

The only true benefit of this job that I can get is paid time off, and that takes so long to get enough of it that in order to actually benefit from it, I will end up having to be enslaved to this place for at least a year or more.

This makes me angry as well. So do the amount of insane rules this place has. The rules were put in place because of how many people abused the freedoms that used to be there.

Basicly there were alot of people who didn't want to work, but wanted a paycheck so they screwed around and messed things up so now the people that this company hires are suffering under what I equate to a military boot camp working conditions.

In all the jobs I've had I've seen lazy people who want the money without doing any work. The last job was seriously infected with lots of thoes kinds of people.
Alot of them ended up at this job as well, and thoes same people are the ones who are complaining about the rules loudly.
The first day of training we ended up spending almost the entire day listening to one person comming up with excuses to try to find a way to get out of being docked for being late.
I got so tired of listening to this individual that I was ready to start hitting them liberally until they couldn't talk anymore.

Thankfully they have been late everyday so far and this simple act if it keeps going will cost them the job.
So my hope is that this act of being late on their part will continue.

I realized a while ago that I could very easily be on a desert island with no other people and be quite happy. There is enough creative energy that exists in my head that bordom wouldn't happen.
I've had enough interaction with the human race to last me the rest of my life. So being solitary in the way of not having a soul mate is just fine with me.

Hopefully down the road my dream states will change and become something other than overload from this job.
I can hope for that.

Overloaded

# 46450

My head is on overload. I was busy cleaning and immage of work wouldn't shut up so I figured the only way to deal with it is to drain the brain.

Last nights depth passed. I knew that it would. The feelings remain but the weight has passed.
I got a call from my daughter last night and since I knew it was pointless to tell her how I was feeling, after she asked how I was doing I pushed the conversation into how things were in her world.
We talked about what's going on in her world for a while.

Then it came round to me again. I had been planning to call this weekend because it's been a while since I've talked to anyone there.
Life and time has been run over by the last two months. I can't wrap my mind around much of anything these days.

I began explaining why it had been a while and she took it to mean that I was complaining about how much I had to do, and I commented that I was explaining to say that by the time there was time to call it was always too late to call. She said oh.

I realized a while ago that when I talk to most people they really just want simple answers, yes or no works best and anything beyond that is mistaken for complaining or something else.

The need to talk about things so at the very least I can get a grip on what it is,is pointless.
That's why I have a journal. This is my private dumping ground.
My bat cave. And in this place I can rant, rage, and drivle on when nessisary.

What's funny about all of this is that the only time people are really interested in talking, really talking is when they have been told that they are dying.
Then they are interested. It cracks me up, because by then so much of life has passed by and the reality that all of this being on overload so that a person can get up the next day and do it all over again isn't that important after all, and finally they get it. Then they are interested. Then they are desperate for life and more than cheap social conversation.
Finally the bits that are maginficant in all that thoes bits have to teach are finally important.
Things like sunsets, and clouds and pondering things.

I keep laughing at the thought of the instructor of the class saying we like money. Me under my breath saying no I don't like money. There's nothing to money, nothing backing it and you can take a match to any of the paper stuff and it's gone.
Money owns most people.

While I was at the last job there was this conversation I had with this one guy there that sticks in my head.
He saw some of my art and kept telling me I needed to take it to this coffee house and people had sold their stuff there for alot of money.
I could see that look in his eyes. It sticks in my head because he dressed like a hippy. And all I could think of was yeah right, your internal does not match the clothes you wear buddy.

I've met alot of people like that in this town. I have to hand it to thoes who dress like what they really are, consumed with money. There is a bit of honesty in that.

I am still so angry...there isn't anyone who I can really go to and ask for help.

I remember asking someone when the strong fall who helps them up?
There isn't anyone except themselves. It is truely a solitary place when you are strong.
You have to accept that and get over feeling like your living on the short end of the stick all the time.
The truth is you are so just deal with it. Life is not fair.
Equality is subject to change, and doesn't exist for you.
Get over feeling enraged by the unfairness of it. And get on with doing what's in front of you to do.

Friday night

# 46449

It's Friday night. The house is quiet. It's good that it's quiet.
It's been a long week. Classes everyday filled with so much information that everynight this week I have come home feeling several things. Anger. Frustration. And a general sense of being numb.

I don't care at this moment if I make it through the class. I don't care if an astroid hits the earth and blows it all up.

I just don't care. I'm greatful however that this journal exists. I can here and write knowing that no one I work with knows of this journal.

So I can get morbid if I need to. I tried calling a couple of friends because I would really love to have someone to talk to.
But that's not how things work in my phyical world.
So even though I would love it, I know better than to expect it.

I keep reminding myself of why I exist. It's for the sole purpose of helping people who show up in my life. Then they go.
All of the basics I will never have to worry about.
That's the trade off in this life.

So when I feel like this I have to tell myself to have a cup of shut the fuck up and feel what ever and just get on with doing an ever growing list of unfinished repeating things.

Life feels like lead weights tonight. And so I will ride this out. Like ever other time I've felt like this.
I realized a long time ago that when something good comes to duck because I will pay for it in spades.
I've had to tell a few people this. And hope they understand.
Tonight if it weren't for a hand full of people that wouldn't understand I would find a way to stop my life.

I'm tired. I know a vacation would be good, but there is no way that is going to happen, as far as I can tell, it won't happen durring the rest of my life time.
It's just the way it is.

Unless that is, that I win the lottery. If I do, I'm disapearing from the face of the earth with the only contact being thoes few people that are the reason I haven't blown my brains out alread.

I'm just way too exausted and way to tired anymore.

When things fall down

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# 46437

Well, this temp job I've been at for the last two months is just about done.
Another week to go. The budget for this job will allow for all of us who are still there to get up to 20 hours of over time.
Not a bad way to end a job.

It's time for this job to be done. We have for the last 3 weeks been doing more and more pointless thing associated with the inital purpose.
I really don't think that the majority of thoes who are left could handle another month of this.

It's not just that but other things related to work that make clear that it's time it was done.

I had an interview today for a job on the same floor and I have no idea if the job will be mine. I was honest and did my best.
If I'm not suppose to be there I won't get the job.

I was thinking about how it seems that more and more things are falling down and breaking apart. Things that by themselves would be considered random, but as a whole it would seem to indicate that what's happening is part of a very large event all over.
Funny thing is, I'm so calm. Inside I feel totally ok. I don't think in the mist of so much I have ever felt this calm.
And that's a good thing.

I have discovered that I have a very pragmatic view of life. Maybe it's because I've been through so much on a personal level that my attitude is one of calm, no matter how crazy it all seems.

I also at the same time would love to spend a month on a sabatical away from all humanity.
Funny thing is when I think about a month, something says to me that wouldn't be enough.
So maybe I could be a hermit after all.

Who knows. For the moment, and from what I can feel and see and sense of the future a sabatical isn't there.
And that's ok. It's just nice to dream about it. For now that's good enough.

The way we are

# 46429

Reciently I got an invite of sorts from a dear friend. She said that it seemed to her that I needed to get away, and would I like to come for a few weeks and then spend a week housesitting.
I was surprised by this comming out of the blue as it were.

My response was an honest one. That the month in question was a bit away and that I needed to make sure there was enough money to cover bills and such. I told her that I didn't know if I would have a job at the end of this month and that I would let her know.

She offered to pay for a round trip bus ticket, so from her perspective when she first offered, the cost would be covered.
But from my perspective going somewhere for longer than a day or two requires more than just the cost of going. It requires planning for when you get back, as in it revolves around a job being there so the cost of living can be uniturpted, as it were.

I mention this because I was thinking this morning about how the past of our life experience often affects the present and affects the future based on currant choices we make.

This last week my frig died. Since I have no idea if I will have a job in two weeks and the monthly bills are comming due, I can't justify going out and buying one just yet until I know for sure if I'll have a job or not.

Now to be sure, my honey does have a job, but what he makes is not enough to cover the monthly bills and support an extra bill that buying a frig would require.
Even with what I make at this job, if it were to become permanent, I'm not real sure it would be able to cover the monthly bills and and extra bill as well.
I would have to find a second job to pay for the extra bill.
Since I'm already working 40 hours a week and with the bus rides to and from work, finding another job right now would mean I would be getting less than 4 hours of sleep a night, or basicly comming home to sleep and nothing more.

My house is in bad need of a major cleaning already and since that falls to me, because my honey refuses to do any regluar cleaning, he says he's too tired after work, which I can understand, as I too have worked food service and you do run your ass off while your there.

He works six days a week, but only 4 hours a day. But from his perspective that's enough to make him too tired and sore to do anything here except sit and play computer games.

Everything else falls on me, literally. The cleaning of the house, the grocery shopping, doing the laundry at the laundry mat. Along with making out the monthly bills and doing any other running that is required. To give a fair picture of this, he has done a few things here and there.
He has on occasion taken the garbge out, and every few months he will vacume. When he does do these things I always thank him for doing them, oh and every so often he makes the bed. I thank him for doing that.
In turn, he thanks me for picking up cigarettes when I get them and sometimes remembers to thank me for getting him soda, which I do on a regular basis.

I work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day in an office and then come home mentally exausted and try to get stuff done.
I've pretty much sucked at house work for quite a while now.

When I worked food service I was working 5 days a week, 6 hours a day and would come home and be wiped out but still tried and often did cleaning.

The difference is that I understand that if you live in a place it's up to you to take care of what needs to be done. If more than just you lives in that place the work load that keeps a place in working order should be carried and shared by everyone living there.
It makes life more manageable for everyone.

A few months ago he mentioned that he really hated not being able to go and do things, and that he would like us to be able to do that. My response was I'd like to go do things to, but when did I have the time?
He didn't say much after that. I was telling him that the only way that could happen was if he took on some of the work that needs to get done without the feeling he was being taken advantage of.
He believes, because he's said it, that all women want is some man to take care of them so they don't have to do anything.
This is why he won't go find another job that will be better paying. He is truely convinced that if he did I would quit my job and become a leach in his life.
Nothing is further from the truth. But tring to convince someone who believes other wise and is cemented in that belief is like trying to deconstruct a mountian with a rubber band.

I have tried talking to him about what I need help with. I have asked for his help so many times, and have been met with little or no response that I have just taken on the view of we both live here and that's about all.

It's really sad when I think about all of this. It really makes me wonder what if he will ever stop being afraid that I'm going to take advantage of him long enough to do more than he is doing right now.
He says he wants a house, but won't do what he needs to do to get one.
He says he wants to go on vacation somewhere else, but won't get a different job so that what we make collectivly is enough to do that.
It all comes down to his cemented beliefs, which ultimately will distroy him. It's just plain sad, and so completely unnessiary.
He stays with me he says because he says he loves me.
In truth he stays because he's afraid of being alone. Which means this, even though I am crabby and bitchy off and on and concerned with the nessities of bills and such and have a problem with driving to the porn shop which is across town so we can buy sex toys (if he would get his licence, he could share in the driving there) and won't I won't drive us there anymore and that means I don't want sex anymore, it's better than being on his own...

I stay with him because I love the man who lives somewhere deep inside, behind all the walls and excuses. He lives there and I know this because I'm not the only person who has seen that man.
And that man is worth waiting for. That's why I stay.


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