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Somewhere between the lack of sleep, loosing an entire spread sheet at work and the bus ride home, I got somewhat of a grip on how much of our outlook on life is based on choice.
Events happen. So does crap, things breaking, not working out, not getting what is wanted or sometimes needed, and what makes the ride through thoes things liveable or misearable is our choice to embrace one view or another.
Now I'm not discounting getting slammed with depression or the loss of a loved one, be it human or pet, but there comes a time when how we choose to view the future as in what we have in front of us can help or hinder us.
I have met people along the way who have had so many hardships to deal with and yet through it all they always seem to find something good to hold on to.
And I have met people who seem to love misery. They find it in everything that happens, even the good stuff.
The people who choose misery must find some kind of pleasure in it's presence other wise they wouldn't embrace it so freely.
This was the thought that went through my head. It was as clear as day and as strong as a home run that flies out of the ball park.
There are so many things I cannot change. The past and all it's choices and end results. I can choose to smile at a nice day because it is nice, or the rain because it waters the grass and trees.
I can choose to find good instead of bad in events.
And I have spent alot of time doing just that.
Sometimes it's been a while before I could see past the dark clouds and pain I was lost in, but eventually I found a way out, because to be honest, I hate being miserable all the time.
There may come a time in this world where there is nothing but pain, and then it will be hard to stand against that pain.
I will need strength to keep going.
Joy and happiness now by choice are like money in the bank I think, for the times when it's dark and feels so hopeless.
Part of this realization has to do with someone who is very close to me. I realized that their choice to be unhappy is their choice. It's not my responsiblity to try to fix it, or to get them to lift their head. It's their choice.
They are stuck in the past and all the bad things that used to be but are no more.
So I have made a decision to stop being responsible for what is wrong, for being a woman. They have this serious problem with all women.
If they want to drown in their misery that too is their choice.
It's not what I want for them, or where I would love to see them walk.
But it's their stuff, their business, and in that I have to choose not to keep rescuing them from their misery.
They have get to the place where they hate where they are so much that they will want to change it.
I realize that their choices now may ultimately do them in, but I have come to the place where I realize that I must respect that.
The problem is that it will be hard not to try to intervene and help them.
I can't anymore. It doesn't change anything when I do.
It doesn't change anything when I take the blame for things that arn't mine to take the blame for.
So I must change now, and choose to remain still and keep my eyes locked on my choices and how I choose to embrace each day.
Even when it breaks my heart to watch this person continually hurting themselves by embracing misery that doesn't have to rule their lives.
The last few months have been long and rather weary.
Some of the weariness has been due to working at a job that was physically exausting, then waiting on a bus only to catch another to get back here.
The energy of that place was always draining, as people who work there tend to like to gossip about other workers behind their back and then smile and act as though they were that person's best friend.
It made working more than it had to be.
The last few weeks had begun to get more trying on the patients as they kept hiring new people and cutting the hours of the existing staff. It's something that has never made alot of sense in any kind of light.
With all of this there was this awareness that I needed to find a new job. Staying in this one would end up getting more and more draining.
So immagine my surprise and happiness when I got a call from a friend who offered me a job.
This one is a temp job, but it's full time and I make more than at the other. It was a no brainer to saying yes.
Then there is this that has been going on, at the beginning of last week my honey says to me that he wants to move to Japan.
What do I think? I was honest and said I didn't know.
He expected me to be happy and excited at the thought.
I didn't react that way because I hadn't thought about the idea, ever.
While I had been trying for months to figure out what to do, maybe moving to another part of this country, the idea of moving to another country entirely hadn't been something I was thinking about.
Like all things out of the blue that come at me take time to mentally process, this would too. Our history together has been filled with so many times of him wanting this or that and me supporting and then him loosing interest.
After ending up watching this again and again, I was not going to jump on "we're going to Japan bandwagon" without thinking about the consequences.
I got home from work on Friday, training, and when he got home he started in again about wanting to go to Japan.
I had told him earlier in the week that if he did the work I would consider it.
I have, with all his moments of zealous excitement over wanting something, ended up putting out the money and time so that it could happen only to get stuck with the work load, and him loosing interest. I refused to go through that with this.
I told him that I really hadn't had the time to look into what it would take to get there, and this seemed to piss him off.
So I got hit with the following, that if he was going to do the work, he was going to go and he wasn't comming back.
He said he was tired of people taking advantage of him.
I asked him how I had taken advantage of him.
I told him I would look into it, that I wanted to see the pros and cons of moving there.
As in what kind of job could I get and so forth and so on.
He started going off on me telling me I would talk myself out of it.
All I said was I wanted to see the pros and cons of it because it was a big step to take.
Then he goes into this I'm just going to give up this idea because you will talk yourself out of it.
I'm extreemly upset because he has among other things accused me of being some kind of gold digger that is only interested in him for what he can do for me....
It's been the opposite so many times that I have lost count.
So yesterday morning, in keeping with my word, I begin to research what it takes to move to Japan. I discover among other things that it takes some kind of sponser, a college degree of some kind for a job that is good, english being the easiest one to go for, visas. And to become a citizen it takes a long time of proving yourself to the goverment there that your worthy and ok and no threat before you can enter into that arena. At least 10 years.
I found out that the cost of living is expensive, but like here, there are ways to deal with that.
One of the ways around that is to eat the food that is normal to eat there, rice, fish and other things that my honey has an aversion to because he doesn't like them.
His ideas on eating there is to go to mcdonalds in tokyo and eat there and oh yeah, burger king too.
Living in Toyko is expensive, but the outlaying towns are cheaper. But that means eating the indigenous food, as in common asian food, which is most definately not mcdonalds or burger king, that's pretty much american junk food.
When he wakes up finally, I start to tell him what I have found, and he is in a pissy mood, and says he's already given up the idea because he knew I would talk myself out of it.
Where he is getting this I have no idea.
All I said was I wanted to see the pros and cons of moving there and living there.
I told him about the information about needing vaccines against things like hepatitus A and encephilitus.
I never said that no I didn't want to go.
He is at this point throwing a non verbal fit and decides to go back to bed because it's not what he wants me to be telling him kind of thing.
He has talked himself out of it because I've basicly told him it's going to take work to go there, not just a few hundered bucks and then we live there, bada bing bada boom.
The reality is that what takes work and effort doesn't interest him. He wants someone else, namely me to do that work so he can just do what ever.
I tell him that if this is his dream then he needs to go back to school and finish getting his degree, another thing he doesn't want to hear.
He's two semesters away from getting is bachalors degree in computer technology and computer electronics.
In the years we've been together he has never persued this.
Every time it's been brough up, he makes some kind of excuse as to why he can't.
He is further into the process of getting to Japan than I am....
I know he has so many old wounds from his life when I met him.
He lives with thoes wounds as though they have to be a part of him now.
The past is the past and yes wounds to turn to scars, but that doesn't mean that they have to rule your world forever.
He has allowed them to.
Funny thing is, he is brilliant. His IQ is genius level. He is physically beautiful. But his self defeatest view keeps him from going any further than he is right now.
He wants me to lead the way forward. Do the work so he can stay in this self helpless emotional state that he lives in.
I refuse to start the ball rolling as in getting ahold of the embasy in Washington D.C. to apply for a visa.
He needs to do that. The idea that it's going to take years and isn't going to be the peice of cake he wants it to be is what has caused him to give up the idea, but I am his excuse because he is convinced that I have talked myself out of it.
Deep sigh....we have been through this rollercoaster ride over so many different things. I have told him in the past, that if he is so miserable then find a place he can be happy at.
I left the last person who was miserable in himself, I will not do it again.
So this is the passing scenery these days. Another fun ride.
I got my schedual for this next week. They've cut my hours down to the point that anymore and it won't be worth driving so far every day just to get there.
I want to scream. I am so frustrated right now. I have no answers and if I wake up tomorrow the same overload of things I need to get done will still be waiting for me to get to.
I feel like I'm in the mist of some really lousy dream and can't wake up. I keep thinking as I drive out there this has got to be some kind of a bad dream. Someone please wake me up.
But I'm not asleep, I'm completely awake. I've got a list longer than my arm of things that are waiting for me to get to.
Some days it feels like I can't catch my breath. Some hours I spend pushing to keep going because all I really want to do is just stop everything permanently.
Since this is not an option I do the best I can.
I finally gave up trying to cut time off my production because the general manager wants me to do things her way, and that has slowed me down to a crawl.
I fight to get finished in the time they give me.
This feels more like being a prisoner than a person at a job.
Then there is all the other average stuff that has to be done, and for some reason it all feels like I've been stuck in some over sized world where I've shrunk to the size of a pea.
I've talked to one person here, finally, mostly so they would understand my restlessness that is getting louder by the minuet.
I've finally gotten to the point that I'm asking when is the stuff comming that will allow me to catch my breath?
No job that pays minium wage is worth the following:
Management that expects the people who work there to make the job the most important thing in there life.
Management who reminds you how good this person is doing or that person is doing, so that you know no matter how hard you work it's never good enough.
Especially when the job is food service. It should be fun. That's what makes the hard work easier to choke down.
This job that I've got feels like punshment for the crime of needing a job.
The place should be torn down or blown up, as there is more wrong with it than right.
So I'm looking once again for another job. Yes the economy is screwy and it sucks and people are out of work, but it doesn't mean that the management can be tyranical and think it's ok.
It gets to the point where I wonder what the point is anyway.
I'm so ready to tell the management they need to find a new job because this one makes work for the rest of us hell.
And no minium wage job should be like this to the point where the rest of life is next to impossible to do because of the physical pain from working a job that means nothing,has no redeeming value.
The training for this job in certian areas has been half assed, and really bad, yet when I stepped into an area by myself yesterday it was expected for me to do it perfectly.
When I left I made the decision to find another job. No minium wage job is worth the shit this job has attached.
The assistant manager sucks as a worker, but at least he is charming and a bit more relaxed about things.
The manager makes the place feel like a prison. The only thing that could make this job be worth going to was if a person was doing work relase from prison.
The general manager is annoying and has way too much energy. She needs a hamster wheel and we'll just send her down the higway and let her wear her self completely out.
Then maybe she won't be so annoying. But even she's more calm than the manager.
The manager is a good woman, but impatient as a child a month before christmas. What I've come up against in the last few weeks is about as pleasant as a child having a temper tanturm in the grocery store.
Hopefully I will find something else soon. And hopefully management will be better there.
The last couple of days there have been several trucks here in the neighborhood where I live.
There is spring lawn care being done, and what I initally thought was tree trimming that happens when the branches of trees get longer than the owner of the property likes.
That's only part of what's been going on the last couple of days.
They have been removing trees. It makes me angry. I love trees. Trees are amazing, they are one of the silent partners that makes the air breathable on this planet.
This non-sense of removing trees for any other reason than it's crushed some body part or your house via some type of natural event, a tornado, a hurricane, that kind of thing is hard to understand.
Trees are important. Especially in the midwest. There arn't mountians close enough to create some kind of break from the sun and summer heat.
Trees in the midwest come from somewhere else. This part of the world in it's pristine state is grass land.
Lots and lots of grass land.
All thoes tress that got transplanted, make this city more human friendly. I can't immagine this place and summer or winter for that matter without tress.
When I see one being hauled away in chunks it hurts and it makes me angry.
Tress are wonderful. Every tree I have ever seen is a work of art. I love the old gnarled tress. They are amazing to wander around and just look at it.
It's just one flavor of eye candy that nature offers.
I'm sad too, when I see trees being removed. Humankind has been so unkind to the planet over the years, cutting a tree down just seems almost obsene.
It hurts. I can't really explain why it hurts, but it does.
I would love to see some high priced lawyers defend the trees.
A worthy client to be sure.
It's a strange thing to me, but you would think that when people cut down tress they realize that they are removing a natural air purifier.
That's part of what the trees do for us, they purify the air.
Sometimes it makes me wonder how smart some people actually are.
In a way, I'm glad I felt this strong. It lets me know that my emotions are still working.
Always a good thing.
Change is something that happens. Just like the stuff that you don't plan on happening.
It seems and feels like I spend so much time getting stuff done that works best on days off, and the rest of the days working that when I am home I'm almost numb.
I wonder if that will change as well.
The few hours of quiet I get, when I am here, are precious few.
I don't listen to anything when I'm here by myself.
I have been reading news headlines the last few days and thinking about that. Nothing is sticking with me as in affecting my mood in anyway. I just find it's easier to pick and choose the stories that interest me. Selective reading I guess.
I want to take a book with me tomorrow to read while I do laundry.
I want to go really early when there is no one there.
My days off have become catch up days. Since I'm finally get used to this job I have a bit more energy, not much, but enough for the moment.
Today was long and weary. Several times I wanted to just look at the assistant manager and tell him I was done and I was going home now. But I didn't. I choked down the day.
I wasn't angry. I wasn't fed up. I wasn't feeling much of anything. All I knew was that I wanted to go home.
Very primal. Very simple. Direct and to the point.
But that would have gotten me fired.
Fridays and Saturdays at the place where I work are the busiest days. The work load for the person who makes dough on thoes two days is alot. Thoes two days often feel like one has eaten way too much and the discomfort from doing that.
It ended up taking me about a half hour longer to complete the work. I wasn't happy with having to stay there almost 9 hours.
I did take two 5 minuet breaks.
What took so much time was the second kind of dough, out of it besides pizza crusts, there are bread sticks and desert skins, and monkey bread. It's all thoes parts and peices that take so long.
There is the prep work that goes with making thoes things that drives me nuts some days.
Today was one of thoes days.
I am glad that it's over with. I'm home now.