Reading gl0ck's journal

May 06, 2003 19:17 # 11727

gl0ck * mindlessly drivels...

Shadows: A discourse on expectations

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Expectation is such a sad word. It has always been a ball and chain firmly bound around my ankles; a burden I've been dragging around my entire life. I mean sure, hundreds of medals adorned cute little Mike's neck during his pre-school, and grade school days but one must understand that things change and I certainly am not exempt to that; I never believed in permanence in the first place. The outpour of commendations and citations which I enjoyed during those days slowed down to a trickle…to almost a virtual halt in high school-I mean sure, there were the occasional quiz bee championships won and the awards praising my above average GPA but people expect so much more of me it's almost sickening. Expectation obliges you to be something that you are not, something you CAN'T be. It makes me feel like I'm being shoved into a cocoon against my will, forced into a controlled environment where I could be put into exhibit and be watched closely, being waited upon to metamorphose gloriously into something I'm not.

What did I ever do to deserve such high expectations? Why do people flash leery grins when they see me do something which is generally bad like smoking or engaging myself in an alcohol binge? Yes I am human, sue me. In fact I've been living it up with my friends the past few days which explains why my journal hasn't been updated while It was my resolve to have daily entries. And no, I am not just the boy next door with the effervescent smile who greets you good morning on your way to work. Sue me. And no, sir, I am not a saint; I have spent nights in sleazy hotels and engaged in wild animal sex a couple of times. Sue me. Had enough? No? Don't worry, there's more; I have engaged in random acts of misdemeanor; I drink and drive and I count two instances wherein I crashed my car because I was an irresponsible little fuck driving under the influence. I smoked marijuana for a while too. Sue me. In fact, sir, sue me for being human.

The sad thing about this drivel is that shadows of all these false steps would someday come back and haunt me. And I fear that when they do, I will be looked down upon; and I will hit myself over again for not being transparent; for making her see a visage that I want her to see while hiding my ugly self in the process. I fear that I'll lose someone whom I care for so much because I cannot live up to her expectations; that I can't be the person she expects me to be.

May 06, 2003 19:49 # 11728

oxygenius *** wants to know...

Re: Shadows: A discourse on expectations

above average GPA

hm, sorry, but what does this abbrivation 'GPA' mean?
General Protection Fault it cant be ... maybe Gross Pornographic Ambush? Genetically Polished Analyzer? Grant Prix Arcade? Given Pace of Attack?

for making her see a visage that I want her to see while hiding my ugly self in the process. I fear that I'll lose someone whom I care for so much because I cannot live up to her expectations; that I can't be the person she expects me to be.

who's that SHE you're talking about? :)

cu, w0lf.

Metal has no laws. Metal is the law.

May 06, 2003 20:15 # 11731

gl0ck * is unsure about...

Grade point average

GPA here in the philippines is your Grade Average :) back in highschool, my GPA was 87 percent. (yes I am a geek)

'she' is someone I'm madly inlove with :)

May 07, 2003 06:08 # 11745

oxygenius *** wants to know...

Re: Grade point average

GPA here in the philippines is your Grade Average :) back in highschool, my GPA was 87 percent. (yes I am a geek)

that STILL i dont understand, sorry.

Is this kind of a measurement of intelligence, like IQ?
My dictionary didnt give me much hints with that, as 'GPA'/'Grade Average' aint mentioned in it - but the simple 'Grade' is, which has mainly something to with school, marks, or quality.
So maybe this could be mean you'd one of the better pupils in your class, or anything similar to that?

cu, w0lf.

Metal has no laws. Metal is the law.

May 07, 2003 07:09 # 11753

gl0ck * replies...

Re: Grade point average

Yes you got it. :) It's something like that.


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