Reading Love and Lifesense

Apr 05, 2004 14:27 # 21159

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This post may be confusing..

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Hello. I can't believe I am attempting to write this, but I have reached a point where I feel I must. It is weighing so heavily on me now.

All of my life, sence I was around five I suppose, I have had a big problem with my physically assigned gender. I had no idea, for quite awile, what exactly it was that made me constantly uncomfortable, self-concious, and always having difficulty in dealing with other people. I did know, though, that I dreamed (literally) about waking up equipped with the physical characteristics of the opposite sex. I was truely obsessed by this 'lacking' by the time I was a young teenager, and sexually active. I thought, well possibly it is because I am supressing an attraction to members of my own physical sex, and so I tried that for a bit, but I knew that that wasn't the answer. I was very attracted to members of the opposite physical sex, so I suppose that technically, I would be considered mentally gay (?) because by many indications I do possess the mind of the gender I desire.

I went through several long-term relationships only to see their failure, and thus feel my own failure at being what my partner wanted me to be. Every new relationship would begin with a very detailed explaination of my 'condition'. At that time, I had no clue about transexuality or the meaning of the term transexual. I just believed I had a screw loose, and that was my problem. A mental problem, a mental sickness. Nevertheless, this was (and is) very real to me. I hated my body, and just knew I belonged in a different one. Regardless of my sexual preferances. So, each realtionship would begin with my 'new' partner being somewhat amused by my confession, and my tendancies to be more like their own sex than the opposite. But within some time, the novelty would wear off, and I would find rejection, guilt and blame taking up a huge amount of space in my head.

The relationship I am currently in has lasted four years so far, beginning with the same explaination of myself to my partner at the beginning, and then slowly going downhill. I so love, and am so very attracted to this person. And they are definetly the most non-judgemental and accepting out of all that I've attempted sharing my life with. Yet it is more difficult for them every day. A year ago is when I became familliarized with the term and definition of transexual. The more I read about it and heard other's experiences and feelings, the more I knew, there was absolutly no doubt in my mind that, despite my dissaproval of labeling, it was me. The more I began trying to let my partner know about these things, these experiences of others, the less my partner wanted to hear. Initally it was a great relief to find out that I wasn't insane, in that respect, and that there were others who felt this way too. But then after the sigh of relief, confusion set what? I have this new info, but what am I to do with it? The people I'd talked with all suggested seeing a gender specialist (psychological) which I still have not persued. My partner is extremly uncomfortable with the thought of me seeking professional help. I would guess because of a fear that a professional will just make my problem 'more real', if that is possible. To be validated by someone, and not just told "Well, too bad if you ain't happy with what you've got. Deal with it, get over it", would maybe encourage me to seek out actually transitioning, to some extent anyway. My partner does not want that, and has threatened to leave if I feel that is what I must do.

So, I supress. To the best of my ability. But I've found that it is very temporary, and that when I feel I can't stand to lie to myself anymore, my self-loathing is worse than ever. I have gone different routes in trying to deal with this, and one thing that seems to ease my pain is the internet. I can be the sex that I believe I should've been, and be accepted that way, and related to in a manner that is most fulfilling. Of course, I end up talking with alot of members of my opposite physical sex, because despite my attraction to them, I just seem to understand them better. And, I'm sure it's no coincedence, alot of them are homosexual. (Like attracts like theory?) As of late, I have been talking with some great people. And the seeming fulfillment I'm getting is really, really nice. But now I am battling with myself, for the dishonesty factor. I hear from some people that, "Hell, it's the internet! Everyone lies, don't worry about it." I hear from other people that what I'm doing is really wrong. That the only 'good' feeling I'm getting is ego-stroking, which in the long run will prove detremental to me. But I have gotten so damn comfortable with these people, who believe I'm something that sadly I am not, that I can hardly bring myself to stop. It feels like, until (if I'm ever able to) get past this physical dissatisfaction, the only way I feel free.

I know this was a terribly long ramble. I also thing this might be a bizarre first post, if indeed I am brave enough to post it. And I also think, that if anyone makes it through this post, they deserve a medal. What are your feelings on this subject I have presented? How would you feel if someone you thought you knew via the internet suddenly told you differently? I am just curious to anyone's thoughts on this, for I am having a hard time putting myself in another's shoes. Thanks for your time.

looking for a clue..

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