Reading harold_maude's journal

Feb 25, 2005 13:33 # 33486

harold_maude *** posts about...

Change the world

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For the last few nights, there has been a re-occuring theme in the things that are discussed here.
The frustration at the stupid madness that exists.
Acually it's been going on for months and months. The same patterns, the same unresolved conclusions.
And nothing is changed.

I woke up this morning feeling a little off balance. And as I struggled to make it up the stairs and give my self a chance to wake up, the taste of last night's discussion and all the other discussions of similar flavor decended in one big lump.

As I watched the sun rise and saw that the color of the sky was blue, and that today would be at least in part, a sunny day,
I realized that people can get stuck in the same unsovable holes to the point where even a sunny day in the middle of winter gets lost.

I've participated in several of these discussions and the person on the other end of them has usually been in a state of drunken haze.
I should know better. But they need to vent. They've needed to vent and vent and vent....

What we talk about, politics, teachers, the school system, corporate crap, and how angry these things make this person, never changes.

Last night, it started again. There was another person in the room who got involved talking about these things, and when I realized where all of this was going, I left the room.
I could feel the depression decend like a heavy blanket.
And the anger, and the madness that comes with seeing things go on and feeling the only power you have is to talk about it.

I heard bits and peices of what what was said, and the person who's depth of frustration gets unlocked and poured out was challanged to do something instead of just talking about it.

Now this comes out of the mouth of a person who talks about doing all kinds of things and never does anything about what they talk about.

A kind of crazy lets beat up what pisses us off without actually doing anything kind of thing.

I'm glad I left the room. I was exausted. I've been in the state of exaustion for months. And this morning I realized that one of the major contrubitors to this exaustion has been these kinds of discussions.
They have taken my energy, what there is of it, and have taken my life, and nothing is changed.
Except that I end up feeling worse.

I realized that I want to be able to enjoy the day. Simply for the sake of being able to see the sky. And feel the excitment of spring just around the corner.

I have my own frustrations that I deal with at work. The madness I see that will never end as long as the manager that is there is in power.
I'm looking for a new job. That's the only answer that makes any sense to me.

It's hard when you see things that are changeable and you challange them and are told that's the way the real world is.
I don't believe that down in my bones.

I believe that change that stays starts with one person, choosing to live different.
There is a time for talking. But that can only go on for so long before it becomes easier to bitch and moan than to do something.
And it's an adiction.

The problem arrises when the person who this pours out of is so entrenched in a state of depression brought on by frustraions that won't go away, so they end up drinking themselves into a stupor night after night, that they end up talking about blowing themselves away, or setting themselves on fire.

I've watched this person running head long into what is shaping up to be a huge wall.
I've listened and made suggestions as how to deal with the frustrations at things that arn't changeable, but nothing happens.

So this morning as I sat and this huge collective mass of months of this hit me and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I realized that all of the discussions have been completely pointless.

It takes a while sometimes to get to the point where you realize that nothing you do or say will help.

I want to see the world change, and thoes who have the power to change things from the top, have compassion and wisdom as the shoes that they wear.
But I realize that certian things have now gained so much momentum that trying to stop and do something different is like trying to stop an out of control plane that is about to crash.

I have the power to change my world by changing how I live in it.
It may not make any differece in how businesses run. It may not make the war stop. It may not do anything other than make it easier to live here.
But at least it's doing something. And that is better than just talking and talking and talking and getting more and more angry at everything.

It's going to be a beautiful day. I'm going to spend some time looking at it, and just enjoy the color of blue up there.


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