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I need some help, advice and understanding.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for 12 years. I love this man with everything I am. I have tried many, many, many times to walk away from this relationship. It is killing me inside. Lately, I've been contemplating suicide because that is the only way I think I can be free of him. My story is a long one and I would really like to tell someone, but I've heard the things that people say about the other woman. The blame that is placed on the other woman as if the man had nothing to do with the relationship.
I am at wit's end and I really need someone to talk to without being degraded, humilated or made to feel insignificant. Can anyone help me or advise me before I do something drastic?
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories
I have a few things to say about "I've been contemplating suicide...(etc)"
I don't think you are actually contemplating suicide, or you would've killed yourself long ago. (It's really easy to die.) Besides, why would you want to do that? Can you imagine how boring death would be? I know you're hurting terribly right now, but isn't it beautiful that you can feel something? (The opposite of life is not death, but indifference.)
I see love as a mutual understanding and selflessness. This man obviously does not love you or his wife because he's not being fair to either of you. He loves himself and he wants to have everything that he wants. If I were you, I'd have a personal discussion with his wife about the situation, because I think you are being selfish as well. (Marriage is a sacred thing, and to think...)
I am, however, not trying to judge you... but how could you not see that you deserve better than this? How can you truly love anyone if you don't love yourself? You may think that you love this man and that you need this man in your life, but is that really the case? You appear to be (by your manner of writing) incredibly insecure and concerned with the opinions of others. Those traits are not very clever, because first of all, no one has any reason to be insecure, and second of all, PEOPLE DON'T THINK. I promise. People are not concerned with you. They are concerned with themselves. The people who actually think and who actually matter will not make you feel insignificant, so you can naturally disregard those who do!
You are not being observant at this point. You are being distracted and typical. Break away from that and allow yourself to have more depth.
For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.
I am currently trying to get myself out of the same situation. I met this man back in mid-April. He is not my type AT ALL ! We met at a bar and my friend and I hung out with him and his friend. Later, he asked if he could come home with me (I prefer 1 nighters.....no emotion!). I said yes and we had a nice time. Early the next morning when he was leaving, he kissed me and told me that he wanted to see me again....YEAH RIGHT ! I didn't offer my phone number. He gave me his business card but I never used it. I leased apartments at the time of this and lived on property. One day,while at work, I got a call and he said my name. I didn't have a clue as to who it was. He told me and I asked him how he got the number. He remembered the name of the complex and called information.
I was shocked, but I remembered that he told me he was married. Just to get him off the phone, I gave him my cell number. He started calling me alot but I never answered the phone because I didn't want to get involved in that drama ! I did text message him and said that I couldn't get get involved with him.
A couple of weeks later, I lost my job and had 72 hours to move ! For some stupid reason, I called him and told him I needed his help.
When the day arrived and he showed up, he told me that he missed me (after being together 1 night??). He also told me that he was sad because of the text message. After I got completely moved out that night, he wanted to be wherever I was. We went to get something to eat with his buddy. He told me that he wasn't going to "lose me" and that he was willing to do whatever it took to be with me.....SURE !
We've talked alot about things and his wife knows that he is seeing someone else. When he's with me, he's out all night and gets home very early the next morning. She always gets mad at him, yet she won't leave.
He tells me that he loves me and that he just can't stay away from me (WHATEVER). I have told him that I hate him and to go away, but he still keeps coming back.....I guess we're addicted to each other and I am kicking my habit !
Every time we're together, I end up yelling and screaming at him because he's giving me the run-around. He wants me to let him figure out what he's going to do and get his life together, then he will come find me ! I laughed in his face !
This weekend I moved into a new place and he started commenting on him getting a key ! I REALLY laughed in his face ! I told him that he would get a key to my place when I got a key to his place !
I want so badly to call his wife and apologize for my participation in this sick affair. From comments he has made, she will do whatever it takes to have this man in her life.
I'm just angry because the night of my move, he told me not to be scared of him ! I told him that I have a very fragile heart and he said that he wouldn't hurt me......Well, here I am....HURT and extremely pissed off !
This is how sick this affair is. He left a brand new baseball cap at my place and I burned it and took the ashes to him in a bag ! That didn't even keep him away !
Someone, please help me !
I feel your pain. I wish I could give you some advice or arsenal to erase him from your life, but I can't. He is a very selfish man. He wants you, but he's afraid to close the door on what he has. I've been there. Since this is still very new to you, maybe you can let go, but are to afraid. Do you think so?
I finally had to leave the state. I still jones for that man everyday. I did all I could to keep him away. Nothing turns them (men like him) around except for themselves. He has a wife and he knows that he is hurting her, and he plays on her low self-esteem. I know that feeling well. What happens to us (the other woman) is that we lose our identity and then we end up in the same situation as the wife. Hurt, miserable and confused.
It's going to be rough. All I can say is for you to tell him that he needs to make a decision. Tell him that you will not wait for him to get his life together. What the heck does that mean anyway? So while he's playing games, you have to sit in limbo? Please. I've been there and I'm still trying to fight the feelings that I have for the man I was with.
You mentioned telling his wife. Sweetie that won't do anything especially if she already knows that he is seeing someone else. She wants him regardless. You have to be the one to step away if he isn't willing to give her up. He will keep filling your head and heart with broken promises. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it will be easy because IT WON'T. You have to start distancing yourself. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby, write in a journal -- do whatever you think it will take to get him out of your system. I'll be here if you ever want to talk. I know how painful and alone you must feel. Like I said I've been there and I'm still fighting with my heart to heal.
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories
Thank you for your insight.
Actually, I have already tried suicide. I have been hospitalized, and he came to the hospital and told me that he would be lost without me. He keeps making the promises to leave his wife. At this point I just want the pain to stop.
I don't think that he would leave his wife for me. And, even if he did I wonder if we could be together happily. I have thought of telling his wife many times. I spoke with my doctor and she told me that his wife probably knows that he is cheating. That revelation never entered my mind until she said it. I know his wife must wonder where he is when he is not at work, or at home.
I just want to break free of him. I have tried many times to walk away, but each time his professions of love make me close the door to the idea. I have told him how much it hurts me, and he tells me that I am being selfish. How can I be selfish when I am asking for what I believe I deserve - a relationship that can be in the light as well as the dark.
Yes, I am feeling very insecure and unsure of what to do. I have been seeking employment in another state just to walk away. Last week I went on an interview in another state and when I returned he asked me why I wanted to change jobs and I told him, and he said that I was trying to hurt him by leaving. Maybe you are right I don't love myself. Because when he tells me something that I do hurts him, I try to make him feel better, but when the shoe is on the other foot, he says I'm selfish.
I'm hoping that I will get more offers from the places I've applied so that I can get the fresh start that I desperately deserve.
Thank you for answering.
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories
Please remember that the secret of having a wonderful life is loving yourself. The only thing you are guaranteed until you die is yourself. Be strong about this! Don't allow yourself to be weakened by the manipulation in your life. He does not love you. He is being extremely selfish here, and you don't owe him ANYTHING. You've given him everything. He knows that he can keep you around by making you feel guilty, he knows your weaknesses, and he is playing you for a fool at this point. Let him go, for everyone's sake. Believe that you are worth something! Stop throwing yourself into such a degrading, sadistic situation. No one can help you at this point; you have to find the strength within you to help yourself.
My previous comments about suicide were relevant to the fact that I don't believe you actually want to die. If you did, why would you be trying to get help? Why would you be desperately seeking advice? You want to live, remember that. It's evident.
For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.
I know what it is like. I've BEEN the 'other woman' too.
With each and every one of these fucked up relationships (by no means were they the ONLY ones I have had) there was a severly unbalanced exchange of energy. Every single time I mentally made up my mind to get over each one of them, they each, in their own way (some more devious than others), pulled out as many stops as they needed to get me back... but no commitment. Ever.
There are lots of people who are afraid of intimacy. They fill the spaces where they should be getting closer with the one they love with distractions, and/or 'settle' for someone they don't love as much who will be a bulwark of a human being for them; resolving to keep the ones they truly love at a distance so they can never get hurt...again. OR they romanticize you as the other woman. I don't mean to sound like Billie Holliday or Nina Simone, but you are the woman whose pantyhose they don't have to look at drying in the shower, the woman who hardly ever reprimands them for anything because you are so afraid of losing what little piece of them you have...they know they have you.
And women do this too. When they are in the positions of power in a relationship and are inclined to abuse it, they do the same thing. People that do this don't want the mess of a relationship. They just want the romance. Men and women both rarely juggle more than one relationship for reasons of intense devotion to both of the other parties in question. It is usually designed to keep emotional distance in place.
Also, people who keep you on an emotional string like your married man has done, are LITERALLY and figuratively feeding off your energy. When you tell him how much the things he has done have hurt you, and he says that you are being selfish, he is, in effect, telling you that he will not give you the emotional energy you need right then.
When you tell someone that their distance is killing you, the appropriate response is to not only offer an apology, but to ask what they can do to fix it. Warmth and kindness are what is in order, not guilt trips. Of course, there are people who complain about nothing constantly so that THEY can steal the energy, but that doesn't sound like you right now; although, if you aren't careful, and don't leave him soon, and don't do some soul-searching before the next relationship...you could do to the next person what he has done to you.
It happens alot. People can become what they say they hate the most. Be careful. It is the only thing you can do besides leaving him.
When he says that you are trying to hurt him by leaving, he is saying, in effect, I don't want to lose the energy you give me. It WILL hurt him when you leave, which you should, because he is draining you, and living off of you. That is why it feels like it is 'killing you'. It LITERALLY is. Relationships like that can take years off of your life, while the person who has the unnatural balance of power thrives immensely in counterpoint.
Most people feed off of each others emotional energy. It is unusual for people not to... hugs, touching...smiles...all of these things can seem sincere, or not. When they are sincere we feel renewed by them. It isn't by accident. There is an exchange of energy going on at a subtle level that can be tracked in a laboratory setting. It's electrical, and it travels over the nerve synapses through both chemical and electrical impulses that shoot down the axons. We all do it. It's human. It is just that some people only take, and never give.
Conserve your energy so that you have something left to renew yourself with when you leave. You need a spark of energy left to relight your own candle. He isn't going to do it for you. Don't count on someone else to do it for you either. Do it yourself. Look deep within yourself, ask yourself questions about why you are REALLY living in this relationship, and listen to the answers your heart will give you. Really listen. And then leave him.
Stop martyring yourself (easier said than done, isn't it?) and walk away as soon as you can. It will add years to your life. Possibly enough years to either become happy with your own company, or to find a person who loves you without killing you for the price of their love.
My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.
This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jun 22, 2005.
It takes two...I'm sure you've heard that saying. The man your with may have had his reasons for looking else where for what he wanted. That's how he came upon you.
And you were willing.
That is the reality.
Here are somethings to ask yourslef about all of this. If he were to leave his wife, what makes you so sure he will not do the same to you?
If you were in the wife's possition how would you feel about someone who made vows and then broke them?
This man is not worth sucide. Trust me. He has a faithless heart. He has it all. A wife, and a mistress. Why should he do anything to change where he is?
It's very easy for an affair to seem like the most intense perfect brilliant thing.
But it's not. You have nothing with this man. Only a secret life with no future.
I know you said it's killing you inside, and that you've tried to walk away, but why haven't you suceeded?
Could it be that there is an addiction to this man, who by the very nature of his being married to someone else makes your relationship with him the perfect and tragic romance?
Take off the blinding glasses and look at the reality of this.
You've been taken for a very long ride. Yes the ride has been fun, but the chances are this man isn't going to leave his wife.
You need to realize you deserve someone who is not going to be living a lie just to keep you waiting in bed for them, so to speak.
I understand that your feelings may be very real, but if you really look at his and his heart in all of this, he isn't worth any more of your love or you taking your life over someone who is still married to someone else.
Better to leave and grieve, and be free, than to find out that he isn't what you've cracked him up to be.
Yes, I know it takes two, and I got into something that I had no idea would end up with just one hurting. Just one giving, and the other taking.
I ask myself over and over again why can't I shake him lose? I've changed jobs, changed my number, told him several times that I can no longer do this. I couldn't just move from my home that is a big move. He has always come crying and begging me not to leave. Not to hurt him. Of course I'm the bigger fool because then I break down and I let him back in. Now, I am looking to move to another state because I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to get married have children, be happy (if it's not to late).
I talked to him and I told him that it was over. He asked was there someone else. There has never been anyone else. If I even attempted to go on dates he gave me hell. If I was out with someone it was as if he had eyes everywhere and he would blow my cell phone up, call my home until I answered. If that didn't work he'd come to my home and give me the whatfor. After 12 years I am 33, trying to pull my life in order. I told him this and he brought out the big guns.
I have been pregnant for him. I lost the baby. He told me that I did it purposely (which isn't true, it was the stress). He's been trying to get me pregnant for the last 5 years, but I didn't tell him I was using birth control. He tells me if I have his child he will leave. But, then it makes me the heavy because he has children with his wife. I don't believe that if he left her we would be together. And, if we were I would always doubt him because he has cheated on her for 12 years. I don't want to have a bastard child. I think my child deserves a full time mother and father. I told him all of this and he told me that he will never let me go.
I do love him. But, my question is do I love myself? Maybe I don't because I have let him manipulate me for so long. I hope that what you said is true "it is better to leave & grieve, and have my freedom". I hope that I won't break down and become a bitter woman unable to love anyone. I'm afraid that I am almost out of time. I know that I will never trust, or give my heart so completely ever again.
But, like you said it takes two and I was one of the willing participants. So, I won't blame it all on him. I take some of the responsibility because I let it go on for so long. But he has made it impossible for me to believe that I can ever be truly happy.
Thank you for your response.
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories
First of all, it's never too late to pull your life together.
Second in this long line of reason, you need to remind him he has no claim on you.
He is married already, and if he has a short memory, which it sounds like he has selective memory loss, being married means he already has a life commitment to someone else, and since he has forgotten so conviently that he is married to someone else, it's time he grew up and got his shit together and remembered his wife.
There is a line from the movie "Delores Clayborn" Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has.
This is my advise, take all the letters, the gifts, and what ever else this jerk has given you and put it all in a box, and right before you leave town, with no forwarding address, mail it to his wife.
You don't have to leave a forwarding address. There is no law that says you have to.
What ever you plan to do, don't tell him. That's a mistake as you have discovered.
If he dosen't know where you've gone and in reality it's none of his business anyway. You are not his property, his wife or anything that he can lay any claim to, then he has no right to know what your plans are for your life.
That's for you to know and him not to.
But then this is just my view, you will do as you want to.
Please do your self one favor at least, stop beating yourself up, that's where this jerk wants to keep you so that he can keep controlling you with guilt.
And when you think about it, he's got more to be guilty of in all of this than you do.
I said it takes two, but ya know what? It takes only one to break the cycle.
I appreciate all the advice that I have been given.
I have told him everything I am going to say to him. It hurts like heck, but I've been hurting through this whole relationship so it's nothing new. The only new thing is starting over and that is scary. After the last discussion he laid such a guilt trip on me that I could do nothing but cry. I couldn't believe he would even mention the baby. That nearly destroyed me then, and his bringing it up as a weapon not only hurt, but it showed me that my feelings have never mattered.
I am taking your advice. I will have to try to dodge him until I am able to sell my home. I am not going to even wait until I find a job. I'm just going to leave. I will NOT be leaving a forwarding address. I'll never know if he actually will hurt. I just have to remember what my father used to tell me "every dog has his day". I have a feeling he will just move on and find some other young, naive, vulnerable young lady and feed off her energy. As the other post talked about. I am going to take back my power. I'll be broken, but I am willing to find the pieces and put myself back together again.
I do not know where he lives, but I will box up every letter, picture, lingerie, clothes and have it delivered to his job. I am keeping the jewelry because I deserve it. He is running me from my home so it may come in handy if things ever get rough. I thought about writing him a letter to add to the package, but the more I thought about the advice I received, the more I feel the best thing is to just give him back his things, and turn the page. Try to start on a new page in a new book.
Thanks to you all for your wisdom
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories
I just want to say that I am so glad I have found this site. I have been suffering with the same situation, and I have been for the past 8 years. I compleaty understand all the emotions you are going through. The biggest differnce I can see from me and you, is that I DID have children with this man. We have 2. I love them to death and wouldnt go back and change not having them for the world. However that does not make me feel as though what I have done is in anyway right or justified.
I hate myself emensly, I try not too, but I can't help it. I feel as though I am not worthy of someones love or the happiness of being married. (although, being Married has always been my dream)Over the past 5 years I have developed eating disorders such as Bulimia and Anorexia, and my health has been getting worse.....last week I had a mini stroke. (and I am only 27)
The thing is, I tried soooooooooo hard not let this happen in the begining, because I had already had my heart broken by the same situation as a teenager in highschool. I fell deeply inlove with a married man who was 4 years my senior, and carried that relationship on for over 2 years. So after experienceing that heartache, I vowed not to ever get myself in that situation ever again. But now look at me! When I first met him, he was a friend of my mothers friend. (he is old enouph to be my father)And he kept pursing me, until finialy I broke. I started having feelings for him, and eventualy fell in love with him. Anyhow, long story short.... it is now 8 years later, and we now share 2 children together, and I am very worried about what this kind of relationship is going to do to them. My daughter is 5, and is really starting to ask questions, like why doesnt daddy live here? And I want daddy to sleep over.
He has told me many many times how he wants to be with me, and that he just needs to pay off more bills. (its always about money with him..... and he has lots! Believe me, I am his bookkeeper!) But no amount will ever be enouph for him! His wife knows about us, and about the children, yet she chooses to stay. (she even waves at me at times....which is really akward ...considering, I wouldn't even wave at me!) I want so badly to actualy sit down and talk with her, but I doubt that would do any good...not too mention Im sure he would fly off the handle!
Im just so confused, and need someone to talk to. I am hurting so bad inside, and believe me, there has been many times I just wish I could end my own life, but thinking about the children stops that. I really don't know what I can do anymore. I can't just leave, considering I have the children, and I wont deniy them their father (he is a very good father and the children love him more then anything) When he is here, he pretty much prettends like nothing is wrong, he talks as though we are together and this is "our house". Oh and did I mention, I also work for him now. (I know I got myself in a real mess!)
Anyway, Im sorry for going on so much, but there is so much more I could say...but I really shouldnt right now. Thanks for listening though.
First, if I may be blunt, what the hell are you doing working for him? This can't be a very sane course to take, not for your own sanity or the sanity of your children. It's all the more confusing and alienating that your children's father is their mother's boss. It leads to all sorts of conflicts, and makes it very easy to blur the lines and say "he can do it because he's my boss" or "he can do it because he's my ex" et cetera. It's very confusing, and if you let yourself continue in this direction, you'll likely do things in the future you'll regret.
Take a deep breath and try to rationalize this. Yes, he's the father of your children, and he should play an important role in their lives. Though, for your sanity's sake, it doesn't oblige you to treat him like he were your husband or someone you should try to keep happy. I remind you that you weren't the only one who screwed up. He screwed up just as much as you did, which means he's not exactly the best judge of which direction your lives should take either.
Everybody makes mistakes, and that's just how life goes. Count your blessings, but try to do what's best for yourself. Most people would sooner kill themselves than do something selfish every once in a while for their own health and wellbeing. Being selfish is undoubtedly a bad trait to have, but killing yourself is far from an alternative to this. I recommend you start doing what's in your best interests and for the love of god, don't work for him!!!
The true mistake would be deluding yourself into thinking that living a completely stressful life is somehow something you should do for your kids. I'm sorry, but your needs come before your children's. In the wild, the mother would often eat the children rather than starve. I'm not suggesting you eat your children, but you get the idea. Make decisions that will help yourself out, and this will indirectly help your children out if they have a sane and well-grounded mother.
Sorry if I came out sounding rude, but I tend to be blunt in my posts. Most people hate themselves for what they're not. People set unrealistic goals and drop in a depression spiral when it's not achieved. People need to set realistic goals and live up to them, and more importantly, people need to realize that everybody makes mistakes and for every mistake you've made, there's someone whose done five times worse. Try to keep your head level, and you'll do alright.
If the world should blow itself up,the last audible voice would be an expert saying it can't be done
For the most part I have to say I agree with Hawkeye. Except for the part about eating your children of course. ;-)
Seriously though. I'm not gonna pretend that I can give you good advice. Quite likely nobody here can tell you exactly what you should do to be happy, but maybe that's not what you've come here for in the first place. All you can expect from us are a sympathetic ear and some opinions which you may deem helpful or not. Ultimately you are responsible for your own decisions.
The most important thing first. Don't hate yourself. You're in an awkward situation, and falling for him probably wasn't the smartest move, but hey, everybody who's never done something stupid in the name of love please raise your hand now! *counts* Okay, so much about that.
At any rate you haven't done something detestable here - au contraire, you love and provide for your children. If anything at all, you should be proud of yourself.
As for my .02 worth of thoughts on your situation, I do have some first-hand "being the other wife"-style experience, but not from being the other wife, but being the other wife's husband. My lovely wife fell in love with a guy sometime this spring. At first nobody had an idea what's wrong with her when the cheerful sweetheart she used to be slowly turned into a broody person who insisted that everything's okay despite a lot of evidence to the contrary.
She had a series of crying fits and even came to me (of all people!) for comfort when she realized that he will never leave his girlfriend for her - to be fair, from what I've heard he made it clear from the beginning that he's just in it for the sex. At times when they weren't undressed and stuck to each other by various bodily fluids, or exchanging dirty e-mails, he basically treated her like she didn't exist, which slowly broke her heart.
(And let me just mention this once for the record and then never again, I think she deserves every bit of it and karma is a beautiful concept. But that's beside the point.)
Malicious glee aside, for all I know she's still seeing him (strictly for sex when his girlfriend isn't around) in the hopes that he might fall in love with her someday, and is still constantly depressed (or so our mutual friends tell me) when he's not around. When he asks her to meet for sex, on the other hand, she'll drop anything, even throw out a friend she's invited or leave early from a friend's place, just to see him as quickly as possible.
I'm not telling you all of this because I want to talk about my ex-wife. I'm just trying to show what being the other woman is doing to her, from the point of view of an outside observer. Now that doesn't necessarily mean you're exactly like my wife (you're obviously not), but there's one very important point I'd like to stress.
That guy knows all this exactly well and will still use her for sex and treat her like dirt afterwards. He probably also doesn't feel too bad about cheating on his girlfriend. He's an egoist who will take what he wants without consideration for others, plain and simple. He stays with his girlfriend and fucks my ex-wife because he can, and as long as this works for him, he will never change. My ex-wife is aware of this and is somehow still able to fool herself into believing otherwise.
I know how tempting it is to fool oneself and/or ignore the own unhappiness in such a situation, especially if the alternative would break your heart and you can't even begin to think about the consequences. (No, really, I do.)
So, contrary to what I've written above, here's one piece of advice I'd like to give you:
Think about the situation objectively and one item at a time. Make a list of things that make you happy and unhappy. Be honest to yourself, and especially when you write down things that make you unhappy, don't give in to the urge to keep the list artificially short.
Talk to friends and listen to what they have to say without half-unconsciously ignoring their advice with "he's right in general, but what he's saying doesn't apply to me because I'm somehow an exception and my situation is more complicated" or a similar excuse because it's easier. (I'm not saying you do this, but again, I know that it's tempting.)
In short, collect as many facts about your situation as you can. This is a scientific and at the same time a very emotional approach, as most facts will be about how you (or other people) feel.
This won't solve any problems or give you much comfort, but it might help you see where you stand.
And ultimately, do what you think is right.
I'm sorry I can't solve your problems or make him stay with you (but then again, that wouldn't be fair to his wife, so it's basically a win-lose situation). What I can offer you is sympathy and the above bunch of random thoughts, however few hot dogs these things will buy you.
When life hands you a lemon, that's 40% of your RDA of vitamin C taken care of.
Thank you for the replies, and trust me I have no problem with blunt responses. I appreciate the honesty. I have not come here for sympathy, however hearing other peoples suggestions really helps. Truth being, I have never actualy talked about my situation with anyone. My friends and family have inquired into my situation many times, yet I always manage to change the subject, so as to avoid any further awkwardness (talk about an elephant in the room!)
I just dont understand how I have managed to allow myself to get in this deep! I supose the deeper I get, it just seems easier to except it and go with the so called flow! I just don't understand how I ever allowed myself to get involved in the firt place? Believe it or not, I DO have morals, and I still DO believe in Mariage....(why or how.... I do not know) and I do desperately long to be married my self one day. I only wish I could somehow crawl out of this hole I have managed to get myself in. Working for him has become the easiest way out I can think of at the moment, not only am getting experience I need, but I am also making a nice amount of money (independantly) as well as being able to work around my own shedual...(and with kids thats big thing)
I know what I have to do, I just wish I could actualy do it! Why does it have to be sooooo hard? I have never actualy asked him to leave his wife for me, and I dont intend to do it in the future. I suppose I have always hoped he would come to that conclusion on his own... but as I have seen over the past 8 years, he isn't going to do that. I often ask myself, why would his wife put up with this? She is not a bad person by any means, and I feel like shit just thinking about the pain I must cause her. (But perhaps thats why I am enduring so much pain myself.... could it be Karma?) And now not only is this man the father of my children (and they carry his last name) but he is also my main sourch of employment! If I even attemp to leave, I am laid out with a massive guilt trip from him, and he tells me how I have NO reason to be so upset! Can you believe it. If I tell him I am stressed and upset, his response is to come back at me with
"well how do you think I feel? Don't you think I have lots of stress too? I dont see what you can be so stressed out about, but I can tell you, my life is extreamly stressfull"
And then he will walk away and tell me, he doesnt want to talk to me when Im like this. So then the next day consists of him calling me on the phone and pretending like nothing has even happened.
I am just so tired of living like this! I want a real family, one I can spend the holidays with and go out in public without having to worry who we will run into.
You have to see it for what it is: a trap. This sort of behavior happens all the time, unfortunately. The male leads the female only as much as he needs to keep the female around. I guess the females assume they wouldn't do so if they didn't care about them. I suppose in a way, this guy does, but if he truly cared for you, he wouldn't be putting you through all of this. There are women who stick by the one that supposedly loves them back despite beatings and other horrible treatments. Consider yourself fortunate that he doesn't do that at least.
Time to snap to reality. Often the easiest thing to do is not the right thing to do. I never said you had to take him out of your life, but you need to do some things for yourself. The guy has a wife and he's stringing you along as not only a lover and a mother to his kids but also as an employee. Don't let him give you the 'What about me?' speech. It's time you did what's best for you. Look for another job. When he asks why, you insist its what's best for everyone. You don't even have to make it personal that you are finding another job. If you prefer, tell him you'll get paid double at the new job.
Think of him like a drug. You're hooked to him. You need to drop the addiction, and to do it, you need to stop spending so much time with him. He's not good for your life. When he pretends everything was as it was before, it's a trap! He wants you to go along with it and do nothing, because it's like saying you forgive him and everything will be as it was before. You can't do that anymore. Otherwise, you'll be in your late 40s mothering his kids and secretly trying to get him to leave his wife while you work for him in the same dead-end position. Is that what you want? That's the direction your life is heading, and the sooner you steer away, the better it is for you. If you don't do it now, you'll never do it. You'll always wait for the right time and it will never arrive.
The uncertainty is tough to face, especially when he tries so hard to scare you back. But having you there is what he wants, it's not what he thinks is best.
Take a deep breath and take a step in the right direction. Find yourself a new job.
If the world should blow itself up,the last audible voice would be an expert saying it can't be done
I have come to understand that females to males and visa versa are like a ball rolling in front of a cat. The cat will instinctively lock on and follow the ball. This built in ability in the cat allows him to catch food. Even after 30 years of marriage, I find I still respond to females in a way that when I was young I thought was love. Come to find in my older age, that it was not love, it was not even lust, it was just a natural response to the way I am built. At times, I interpreted the feeling as both love and lust, and of a certain, I had all the feelings that come with it.
One day I was watching my young son. I noticed that his eyes would turn a follow the little blond girls on the playground more than he would follow the boys or the dark haired girls. He was to young to say it was lust. Thinking back, I remembered that though all females interested me, I too was always attracted to certain types of females more than others. Every girl I was attracted to had light skin and hair. Not only that, but I also found that certain body parts structures caused more of a response than others.
Once I discovered that I respond to a certain type of female even stronger than the rest, I began to understand that perhaps I should not pay so much attention to feelings. Especially after one day when a female, we will call Jane, with the ultimate proper configuration presented herself. I found my physical, mental, heart response was one I could have easily interpreted as love. Physically, weakness in the limbs, heart jumping and butterflies in the stomach. Mentally, her image and conversation, which was minimal, distracted my thought for many days. The image and the conversation stayed with me, causing physical reactions. At first, the thoughts would cause close to the same physical response, but with time, they began to diminish. I find that now, if I dwell on the thoughts, I can still have some favorable response.
My natural reaction that day leaped me into thought and those thoughts brought back memories of my parents as I was growing up. A memory of the look on my mom’s face after she found my dad was having an affair. Memory of my dad disappearing at odd times and constant fights with my mom. Of one particularly unfortunate memory of him entering a car at the neighborhood park, that lead to a passionate embrace with the waiting female. I knew these memories had always help me to not act on reactions I had to females during my married life. After the event at my office door however, it began to make sense. I began to remember the same response to another female, that not knowing any better at the time and interpreting it as love and I actually married, my wife.
Love began to take on a different meaning. Removing all the natural male reactions to females, I began to understand that I am capable of “loving” many females by the normal definition of love today. A love, with all its trappings that can and does hit me at random times, great feelings, distractions and attractions. Real love, I began to understand is rooted in a choice we make to look out for the others best interest. I can feel many things for many people, but to love them is different. When I love my wife, I consider what is in her best interest. When I keep myself from acting on what I am feeling for another female, or Jane, even though she really does give me great feelings, its not because I cannot, but because I choose to look out for both my wife’s and Jane’s best interests. This is real love for both my wife and Jane.
It is in my wife’s best interest for me to show her special above all others for so I committed to her on the day we married. It is in Jane’s best interest that I not take from her what should be give to someone who could return the same thing in kind. I can take what my feeling and reactions tell me I want from Jane, but it is not love. Intern, Jane can take what her feelings and reactions want from me, to be near me, to touch me, to be a part of my life, all very real natural human reactions, but that is not loving me. Jane is not looking out for my best interest by giving me herself, for in doing so, she is destroying the bond I promised to another. If I am willing to take from her this, if she was smart, she would know this is my limit. That my love has a limited to what I can get from her, for I am willing to damage my wife and her to get from her what I feel I need. My needs now outweigh my concern for both my wife and Jane. Is it in Jane’s best interest to be with someone who is capable of such cheap love? What makes her think what I do to my wife I will not do to her? We have both shown our true colors and they are not pretty.
This is the conclusion I have made with respect to real love after 30 years of marriage. I love my wife; therefore, I will not pay attention to possibility very real feelings and attractions. I have a responsibility to love Jane by not paying attention to possible real feelings and attractions. As I have rejected acting on feelings like this, I found my feelings for my wife have grown special and dear. I find my feeling return often to the point of distraction she provided me when we first met. She has become without discipline or effort on my side what I believe Jesus always wanted her to be in my eyes, dearly loved, with all emotions, tenderness and a bond without equal. I can honestly say as I have fought to disregarded certain feelings and attractions, I love my wife, and I have loved my neighbor in the true sense of the word to this point. I know I am week can fail at anytime, so I make every reasonable effort to keep myself out of harms way. Its not easy at first, but with time, you do gain momentum.
(Perhaps this will help, perhaps it will confuse, but this is what I have found to be true in over 30 years of marriage and 50 years of life. You can deal with new life experiences in two ways, experience or through learning. (Learning could be book learning or the advise of people who have been there). Experience has its place, but it is generally inefficient and often painful, that is why it is referred to as “the school of hard knocks”. Learning, good advise or directions are great way to gain advantage in life if you can accept it. You have done well to look for it, I applaud you for that.)
I read your post and didn't really understand what you were saying here. I understand that you are happily married. I also know that people have desires and they are attracted to varous people and things. Yes, a person should be able to control their desires and their attractions, but that's not always the case. I really can't speak for him. I can speak for myself and I didn't know he was married when we began dating. After I found out I was in too deep. Just like you mentioned that you love your wife with everything you are, those are the feelings I have for him. It just happens that he is married to someone else.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I took a leave of abscene from my job and took a vacation to get away to try to think this thing through. I have learned that some men cheat just because they can. I was told by a man that is cheating himself. He said that for him, the mistress isn't anything special. He just likes the way she makes him feel. It's something that he doesn't get at home. This information really upset me because I begun to wonder if that is the way this guy feels about me. I know he is never going to leave his wife because he loves his family. I don't think I would want him even if he left. What I do know is that his wife gives him what I can't because I don't have his children. I don't keep his house. I don't dance to his beat. Maybe I am or was just a distraction, something out of the ordinary. I wore the sexy clothes, and I was the attractive sweet lady on his arm when he went on business trips. When he comes to my home he doesn't have to cut the grass, or take out the garbage. He gets to watch his sports without anyone disturbing him. But, for me that isn't enough. I want to be the woman that goes to the family outings, to the family reunions, etc. Knowing that I would never mean as much as his wife helped me to make the decision to leave. He's not happy about it. He's written me several emails, and has left voice mail at my job. I haven't answered him because I am weak for him. If I left it up to him he would continue to have his cake and eat it too. And, he probably will; just not with me.
I want and deserve more, so I broke it off to go in search of myself. In time I will get stronger and I will look back on the affair as a lesson well learned. I learned I have to love and trust myself because no one can give me that security. Maybe in time I'll find a nice guy that I can settle down with. But, I know I'll never be able to trust any man, because like that guy told me: "Men cheat because they can". It doesn't matter if the woman is a good wife, sometimes the man is just in search of something that he doesn't get at home, and it has nothing to do with his wife.
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories
I apologize for rambling on in my first response to you, but you did seem to get the point I was trying to make. In short, I was trying to say it is quite natural for us to respond to things that are not good for us.
I am so proud of you for making the tough decision you have made to not see him. I understand it is not easy. You also seem to understand that what he did to his wife, he will do to you. This is not love. If he really loved them or you, he would not be doing this. (I can say this because I grew up in a home like this, a home where the Dad had affairs. Such things have deep effects on the kids, the wife and all family issues forever. It has been over 40 years ago this happened in our family and the pain still surfaces in my mom and sisters. My dad is only now beginning to understand and feel the pain he caused.)
I once spoke to another man who was doing the same as in your situation. For him, it was all about control. For my dad it was about escape from the pressure of work and family. There are many reasons men and women do such things. Mistakes are made because we are human. Weather or not its love depends on what you do after you come to your senses. I believe you can honestly love someone and never see him or her again, because it’s not good for him or her. In this case, you have chosen to truly love him by choosing not to see him again. I don’t think he is loving you by trying to keep the hopeless relationship going though. By trying to keep his claim on you, he is keeping you from being able to give yourself to someone who truly deserves you. What he is doing is not love.
I know this is hard for you. Please take care of yourself by standing strong in this hard time. You are beginning to understand what you must do and the temptation will be great if you see him again, but it could also be your biggest victory IF you choose to continue to walk away from him.
Please be careful.
My prayer to Jesus is that you will be strong and wise and my hope is that you will find a real man that is worthy of the women you are becoming.
I just want to say I think you are doing is very couragous. And I truely hope you find the happiness you deserve. I only wish I could somehow gather enouph courage to do the same. The biggest differnce as I said before is, kids are now involved. So I cant exactly cut him right out. And that makes it even more difficult. If i didnt have the children, I wouldn't think twice of up and leaving. (preferably to another country over seas) I have always wanted to go to Ireland. But since thats not an option at the moment I guess I have to try and figure something else out.
I remember in the begining I told him there was no way in hell I was going to put up with this for like 10 years. And he PROMISED me I wouldnt have too! Well its been 8 so far, and Im thinking its about time I put my foot down. As much as I would love to be a happy family with him and our children, I too dont think that could ever happen, even if he did leave his wife for me. I would always have the feeling as though I "made" him do it, *against his will* And then I would feel as though I somehow have to make up for it, and then would forever be trying to please him.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I really hope things work out for you. And I wish you the best.
Rich, if truly loving someone as you say, were a matter of caring for someone and taking what they want into consideration, it is a contradiction in of itself to have a love affair with two women. It is in neither one of their best interests to love the other.
If you're caught, you will do irreparable damage to both relationships. In the absolute ideal case, you will have to let one go to keep the other, which will not be taking both into consideration. In fact, I'd argue that the mere point of being in such a situation dictates that you must be willing to accept the possibility of getting caught, and therefore not taking into consideration the aftereffects.
Perhaps you could rationalize that you won't get caught, but you see yourself that your own father was caught. So in the back of your mind, you must know it to be true that there is that chance. If you tell yourself anything different, you're only deluding yourself. Your pertinacious attitude will only hurt those you supposedly love.
If you truly loved them, every choice you'd make would take them into consideration, including 'falling in love' with someone other than your wife.
If the world should blow itself up,the last audible voice would be an expert saying it can't be done
Thanks for your comments i too have also been with my married friend off and on for about eight years. we have a one year old daughter. i thought i was the only one in a situation like this. i think the reason i can't break it off is because i love him so much. he is also my bestfriend. don't get me wrong we have our bad times and good times. it's just hard to let something go thaT is all so familiar. yet at the same time i can't tell people who he really is because i'll risk the chance of messing up his "HAPPY HOME" good luck with your situation. and thanks again.
I see that you wrote this in 2005, it is now 08. did you get yourself on the right track and get out of it? i am in the process of trying to get out too. It is so hard and hurtful. I hate these kinds of guys who only care about themselves and not what it does to the women.
Often I say to myself when I thinkI can't live without him, just look at it as a chapter in my life and who says the book has to go on forever? It can be a memory just as easily as anyother experience we have.
I cannot imagine having to meet someone else, but who says I have to? There are worse things then being alone. It is a good time to learn a new language, take up sewing, learn about what I like instead of always being focused on something that never really was, him!
Iknow it all sounds easy yet all I do is think of him, asshole!
I love him to death though, and know i would hook up in a minute if he would.
It has killed me, consumed me and taken control of my life for yrs. why do I let him have the control? I need to take it back. good luck
Three years ago I was the other woman. I was madly in love with a married man. For 12 years I didn't know what I would do without him. Now, here I am rebuilding my life. I finally cut this man off and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I sunk into a deep depression, tried to commit sucide and ended up in a hospital for seven months. Not once did this man come to see me. I'm ashamed to say that I was ready to die because I couldn't be with him, and he just moved on with his life.
After three years of therapy I'm putting my life back together again. I was 19 when I first started dating this man and he was my first love. I wish I could say that I've forgotten him, but still I find myself thinking about him, but when I do I put my thoughts in a journal and then I close the book never looking back. I've finally let go all that un-needed baggage.
I'm single, I've been out on a few dates but nothing serious. I wasted a lot of years loving a man that I could never have. I am hoping to find that special someone because I want to get married and have children. I'm not going to rush into anything though.
I'm thankful that I got out of that toxic relationship, and I'm happy to be alive. I call it a lesson learned and I'm optimistic about the future. So for all you women who are going through what I did I want you to know that you can get out, and you will be alright.
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories
OMG you guys, isn't it just about the most devastating out of control roller coaster ride you ever could have imagined? Being hooked up with a married man (funny word for it) they are really not men, they are cowards, egotistical selfish, immature and every other less than human characteristic one can think of., The devastation and hurt it has caused for all parties involved is beyond my wildest imagination. The up and down times, the waiting for phone calls that never come, the lies, the dropping your friends and family members "just in case" he has time for you. Its all so hard.
I was so immature I called his wife and told her all, I let her catch us several times. She even sat at the end of my driveway and used her key ring to honk his horn. His kids came out and threatened to never speak to him again. His mom, it was unbelieveable. And he still comes around and says he is going to marry me eventually. He has given me an enormous amount of money over the years, supported me and my kids, lavish gifts, jewelry etc. I took it all to his house and dumped it on the front porch. The reason being when I met him he said he would get a divorce and would I wait. So here I am 7 yrs later waiting and he is still married. But insists I wait. He has called guys I date and told them that I belong to him and stay away, he has followed us, chased us down. But I think I love the bugger, only maybe its the excitement cuz love is supposed to be a good thing and not all this drama.
I was married for 20+ yrs and now I am on this continuous roller coaster, I can't get off. is anyone else like that?
I can't honestly say I can relate, but I can't possibly imagine that after 20 years of that, you'd still think it was a crazy rollercoaster ride. Use some sense and stop clinging on to what will never be. A promise is only good if it is kept, and I hope you don't want to wait until the end of your life on the hopes that it might someday come true.
If the world should blow itself up,the last audible voice would be an expert saying it can't be done
I have never had a relationship with a married man nor have i ever stolen a boy from anyone.
About 8 months ago i met a wonderful guy whom i fell head over heels for, love a t first site. We randomly happened upon eachother at a sports club and somehow he talkedto me, he had a genuine interest in my art, my skills and working out with me.
We ended up spending our weekday evening working out together and playing outside doing sports which we both love. He never shared any of his life with me or tried to touch me so i figured he didnt like me but god did i like him. We spoke dialy thru text of short emails sharing thoughts or just friendly ways....
After one particularly perfect day of outdoor fun i found the courage to see if i could tag along to get some food with he and his friends. our night went great and as i drove him to his car he told me he had to tell me something. I had that sick feeling in my belly and figured he had a girl since he didnt wear a ring but alas, he said "dont be mad at me, i'm married". i pretty much freaked out and spilled my guts about my feelings and whatever came to mind. He said he had fallen hard for me and after crying and carring on we decided to try to be friends since we fed off each others energy in all that we did.
Here I am 7 months later trying to call it quits. we've spoken every day but never had sex. I think if i let him we wouldve but in my mind if he kept his hands to himself then it ment he was some sort of good guy but now i see that the emotional cheating has by far killed me inside, my day is totally taken over by this, consumed fully.
He was actually busted by his wife on 2 occasions, the first while on a family getaway during the first few months of our time, she found a photo i had sent to him on is phone and supposedly from what he said-they fought and then the topic passed. it was nice to see her text me to leave her husband alone, i didnt reply.
As time passed on i struggled with the fact that i was only getting half of this man, he said he was unhappy and in all of our time he never spoke of her, said her name or did he try to hang out with me on any date like occasion unless it was conveinant. I traveled to go to lunch with him, i was addicted and still am to the sweetness and care he said as that is what i crave and miss in my life. He said it was all true and that he was worried that he was making a mistake and if his wife found out about his feeling for me she would leave.
They have been hgaving issues for the past year, living as roommates as he says and supposedly they dont connect but obviously he doesnt hate it that much because he stays. I think he likes not losing all of his stuff since he works constantly and sometimes i feel that he seeks work as a filler for taking time to see his own issues, tend to the word needed at hand and fill his sense of self worth.
Each time we hung out i would be filled with joy and happiness but as he turned to leave the empty sick feeling appeared knowing my lips were not the only ones and somehow i wondered what his homelife was like, why you would stay with someone and be with another. It made me crazy and sad and he told me to tell him how i feel so my constant good/bad commentary seemed to get old.
He eventually took another job so we do not see each other, but were trying to meet up on the weekend, it was tough and i just kept thinking i cant do this. he's what i want, support, care, fun, into all of the same things i like, honestly cares and shares with me but again, he is married, not mine and not being the man he should be.
I dont have many friends to share this with especially ones who could ever relate so speaking my mind and bawling and carrying on seems to drive them away. I shouldve run when at first i knew but i was smitten with him as i am now and i just wanted a piece of this man weho made me feel so good, hoped he was in the end of his relationship, afraid to go and make him think i hated him and if a time occured when he was free that he would come back......
One evening we were speaking thru text and i was haivng a chat aobut how we missed each other. in my mind i had conjured up the courage to tell him the following day that i had to let him go to figure out what he was doing, not to choose me over her but to figure out if he wanted to be there, its either find happiness forever with this woman or not. I had asked him why he loved her? Why he was with her? What was it they shared in common? He wanted to get that miss you feeling back and didnt have an answer why they were together and that she spent his money best. They dont have kids but they have tried in the past w/out success...... # years of dating which started based on sex then [as he said} getting married because it seemded the thing to do. Now one their third year of marraige things dont seem right. Last december before we had ever met he said he had told her he was leaving but she convinced him to stay. I dont know how that happens, guilt? the thought of ending a routine? maybe i didnt get the story, i know if i felt unloved i'd do everything in my power to fix it.....
Anyway, he replied to my text but in an act of god, sent it to her......i guess they had a long chat when he got home and she said if they were going to fix things theyd go to counciling and didnt need outside distractions. He came to see me the next day and told me the sotry, actually saving me from calling it quits as i was so scared to talk to him. I was so happy that they were going to go to counciling, that it was being forced by her and that they could make sense of it all and move on, he would eaither be in, out and definately grow from it as a person, he needs it, he is very closed off.
He texted me later in the day and came to see me the following week to give me a quick kiss and hug and later i ran into him out on the town where we smothered each other in affection and my heart was again lifted.
He continues text me, and i continue to respond to him. I fear he will go away fully or forget what a good person i am or hate me if i just write him off until whatever goes down goes down. I know if it was ment to be it would be but I like him as a good friend as well as someone my heart is wrapped around. I know he's a jerk to be a cheater and I dont think much of her for knowing he's unfaithful and letting it slide. I cant shake all of the things he said, especially writing that one day his heart will be mine and he said he beleives it. It sicken me to think i'm so dumbstruck but i fell head over heels for this guy which he and i have more ironic moments and amazing love for each other than i have ever felt.
I asked him if he went to counciling but he said that they are trying something else, he doesnt like the thought of paying to talk to someone nor is he going to tell her about me. They decided that they wont talk about those things and just move forward. I hate that I am being denied, that I'm the other girl. Im angry that they live in this shitty relationship and I know and hes told me that I complete him and i make him happier than he's ever been but he needs to look into whats going on now.
I dont kn ow what to do. Im going insane. I cant go to work because thats where we spent our time together. Every song reminds me of him. Everyone on television is in love. I have obsessive thoughts and having taken up smoking to kill the anxiety. I dont know what to do. I feel very isolated and cant stand that I cry at the bank or he seems to come up in conversation again, ironacally. Mostly I dont know how to quit him. I just have fallen in love but love takes two so I seem to hold a heavy bag.....
Have faith in yourself, and in your ability to find someone you can connect with who doesn't have all these strings attached. This situation is messy, and I don't think it can possibly end well for you and him. Right now he's doing the easy thing, stringing both you and his wife along. And the stress of this current arrangement seems to be having a very bad affect on you, from what you're saying.
So, my advice is to break it off asap. Forget about him. Get in a relationship where everything is more open and honest from day one.
"History is more or less bunk." - Henry Ford
Thank you for reading my story, two days agao our texts became sparse -mostly after i had a breakdown over the stress of how things are going.
My messaging basically was a mix of i miss you's and the usual venting of how it killed me to still be in limbo. He asked if it made it worse to talk to me and i said it was tough either way....
I havent heard from him in two days and i feel i can be ok if he doesnt try to contact me. I know he needs to see where his head is at or else nothing will ever be resolved.
I fnd myself very lost when i come home, i live alone and its very uncomfortable. I get little to no sleep and i'm trying to figure out what it is i'm thinking about, mostly that even if he feels he's unhappy then he will think i dont care and have written him off.....This mind fuck is killing me as i just want to call/contact him to say that my heart would be happy if one day he called and asked me to see him, that i do have real feelings, that i want to know him and have a chance, that i'm not looking to forget him forever....
I know its crazy but it's so hard to not express to him my thoughts daily as its been my world for months......I want to be there for him. He wanted to keep up the contact so that i didnt go away fully, that i didnt forget him or think he hated me. I dont know what he feels now, the fear of the unknown is awful.
I want to be strong but deep inside i am fragile. Its very hard to confide in anyone as it seems my supportive friends are all fully vested in new love so my issues are just a debbie downer. I look for answers to this situation but i cant find them, he is as he is and what he thinks cannot be explained in any book. I know it cant be easy to be in his shoes if he is no longer feeling as he should be, i jsut want to be there as i care but its such a viscious cycle.....
This is late but I'm responding anyway
Look I've been having an affair with a guy for 2 months. We're both in college. His girlfriend graduated last year and lives about 40 minutes away so she doesn't know what's going on. He didn't tell me he was taken when we first started talking but then I started piecing things together. I broke it off like 3 times this past semester and every time he was like "I don't want you to hate me; can we still be friends?" So I was like sure that's reasonable. So we still hung out and talked and the feelings came back and the cycle started all over again. He kept saying he couldn't leave his girl bc he didn't want to hurt anyone and he was moving out of state for grad school anyway so he'd rather she break up with him. My logical question was why would she do that? As far as she knows everything is fine. In your case, you say the guy and his wife are trying to work it out but he's miserable. obviously he's not that miserable or he would leave. Trust me, I've had boyfriends that left for less reasons so don't tell me men aren't capable of doing it. The fact is he doesnt want to. Realize he CHOOSES to be with her. The reason you can't let go is because you are focusing on his feelings; not yours. You're just helping him live selfishly. You have your life to live just like he has his. Forget if he might think you're not available. Go cold turkey. Don't respond to his overtures of friendship, his communications, nothing. If he really wants to be with you he will act accordingly to keep you which is to leave his wife. If he does nothing but offer a few pat text messages then he obviously doesn't care ENOUGH which means you need to move on. My friends will tell you I am one of the most independent, eccentric, and sometimes hardhearted person they know but somehow, no matter how strong you are, these guys will get under your skin. An emotional tie is ten times worse than a physical one so break it off now by focusing on yourself. You don't have to date if you're not ready but you'll never meet the person you're meant to be with if you don't. In this case look at it logically. He can't be with you because he is married so that takes him out of the running. Plain and simple. So move on and don't look back no matter how painful.
In my case, the guy proposed to his girl Christmas day even though he called me christmas eve while he was wrapping presents and told me he missed me earlier that week. You know what that told me? He is really sick and less of a man than I thought he was. I congratulated him on his facebook wall and didn't text him. He text ME though 2 days later to ask if we could still be "friends". Um F*** no! What do I need him any more for? He's engaged. He apologized and said "If the timing had been better I would have loved to be with you" yada yada yada. Cheaters always have an excuse. I have plenty of people in my life to provide emotional support. I'm under no obligation to be his "friend" just to make him feel better. The gift I gave him for Christmas was not being psychotic and hemming him up and telling his girl. I have the rest of my glorious life to live and so do you. If a guy wants you he'll work for you. Pain and simple. Men today half*ss things because they know women will put up with it. Well don't be that woman. Tell yourself by this time next year none of this will mean a thing. Do what you know is right and don't think about it! ;)
P.s. I may sound confident now but that's only because I'm pissed off. When I was with him I kept saying to myself if I'm nicer or more understanding or more fun he'll leave her. Don't argue too much. Show him how good it can be if we're together. Well the point is if he's getting the presidential treatment and he doesn't have to pay for it what makes you think he's going to volunteer to? If you were at a restaurant and they gave you a free meal would you say "no, please. let me pay!"? heck no. Here the price is a relationship which the cheater is not willing to pay so stop offering. Beyond that I believe you lose a part of yourself if you keep up this masochistic limbo. Believe me sometimes I felt I would go crazy trying to get him to commit or trying to justify the relationship to myself. Just cut it off. Your self-esteem will thank you later!