Reading Dreams

Aug 19, 2005 09:34 # 38186

rosyxxx *** is unsure about...

A Nightmare So Vivid...

?% | 1

Sorry...this is long again, but I've placed breaks in it so you can skip to the 'dream parts' only if you want...

~I figure that if I analyze this dream, it won't come back to haunt me.~

I am crying because I was so shaken. I haven't had nightmares like this since I moved out of my parent's house for the second time in 1996. But this time I didn't wake up hyperventilating, unable to remember what it was...this wasn't a nightterror, this was a nightmare so vivid that it seemed frighteningly real!??!?!!!!

Most of my dreams don't contain words, or at least not words I can remember...I see people in color sometimes, but mostly they are floating fluid images with very few people. They are generally 'mindscapes' with animals, trees, oceans, foliage, and the occasional human who says a few unmemorable words and disappears. With the exception being the two dreams I had at the conclusion of two forty-day mantra disciplines, where my stalker showed up and got in my face. But he was sad and angry, he was taunting, he was mean in those nightmares. And I was sending forth my love, though I am still a little angry about all of his antics. I try to send love. I began one practice primarily for him, but it is a practice designed for universal peace. Guess I am a Libra at heart, even when I'm angry and hurt.

At any rate, those two dreams, were more like he was taunting me to see if I could keep up my practice. Almost as if he was saying, I appreciate what you are doing, but I don't think you will stick with it. I suspect this is my unconscious projecting onto him. I could see that. But those dreams are now old. THIS one just happened twenty minutes ago... and I am shaken to my core. It doesn't involve him at all. Not at ALL. It involves someone I have considered to be a friend, whom I have been wondering about.

skip to asterixes here if you don't want to read more than the dream...

He has been a good friend, offering to help when I have been in dire financial straights...and beyond that, just hanging out, talking, going to movies; but my gut is telling me that he isn't happy with that, and wants more. A few nights ago, when we went to see a movie he called it a date. I quickly informed him that this was not a date. That we were friends. I am beginning to find that I visibly recoil if he even tries to put his hand on my shoulder.

I am telling all of this prior information because what happened last night seems to be oddly peculiar as well, and in a weird way, seems to me to have more than a little bearing on the subject. We walked out of the movie, and he began to regale me with boring computer stuff. I listened and listened and listened. But as I was listening, we passed an adult praying mantis who was dying in the parking lot. I stopped and cut him short to bend down and see if it could be helped. I may not like spiders or roaches, but I do like mantises. This would have been only the second one that I have seen in my life. It's little triangular-shaped head with black eyes turned on it's neck toward me...and it died. I ran back for a leaf-covered twig to place him on and put him beside a tree. We walked on.

He talked more about computers. And then I felt something on my foot. It tickled, and I instinctively shook my foot. Looking down, I saw it was a baby praying mantis. It jumped off and disappeared. He continued to talk. When he was getting ready to say goodbye, and making some rather annoying comments, I tried to be diplomatic, and I turned a little sideways. As I stepped back I felt something crunch. I lifted my foot quickly. There was the baby mantis. I think it was still alive, but barely. And here I had thought that it was a good omen of what I had done for the dead adult mantis. We moved it to the bushes, and it froze. But it could have been alive. I tried not to cry. It broke my heart that I had stepped on the mantis. I apologized for being a bit of a hippie, and he said he'd get going before my karma got any worse. I hated the way he was twisting my words about my mantra practice, and seemingly making fun of some of the things I had said about trying not to be involved in a sexual relationship right now because I wanted to go deeper into my practice; I don't even really want to be intimate in that way with 'the love of my life' right now. Not right now. Staying well is more important. I left as politely as possible, but I was deeply annoyed.

Aside: It is interesting to note that when 'googling' mantises, I found a form of Kung Fu called 'Praying Mantis Style Kung Fu', and the story behind it was quite fascinating! And apparently, the females don't always bite the heads off of the males after mating. They seem to only do that under obvious surveillance in laboratory conditions... and I think I'd be feeling peckish too if someone were scientifically observing me in an intimate act. A little like Billy Pilgrim in Slaughterhouse-Five.

I wondered for quite some time about those mantises. I know the legends they have in the Kalahari Bushmen tribe. I went home. I slept. I was up another day. I went to bed for a quick nap just now, and I awoke with a start from my vivid nightmare which involved this man.

****************************************************************

He was in my home. Not this current one, but my childhood home. He was there, hanging out. He went to the bathroom, which in my childhood home was on one side of my bedroom, and the kitchen was on the other. You see my bedroom used to be the formal dining room. I was lying on my bed, pissed that he was even there. And suddenly, I had an orgasm so strong that it woke me up for a minute. I prefer to channel that energy into my practice when I can. I really felt annoyed that this had happened, and I wasn't exactly enjoying it. I felt the energy in my body leave in the wrong direction. I wanted to channel it through my upper chakras. I just don't want sex right now, and if I did, it would be only with one person. I've only wanted one person for several years now, and my feeling on the subject is that if we aren't going to be together, than I shall be celibate and focus on my practice. That person is the 'love of my life' and he is neither of these characters. The 'love of my life' doesn't show up in ugly dreams like this... and he knows that I have entertained thoughts of chucking all of this mess, selling and giving away my things, and becoming a Buddhist nun. My love of culture and shoes holds me back...heh. So, I sat there cussing under my breath in my nightmare for a minute...and then realized that he could likely hear me cussing in the hallway.

I went back to the kitchen on the other side of my bedroom. I went to the refrigerator, which was in the space where our pantry had been. The pantry was one of two rooms, the other being the bathroom, that you could lock from the inside. I hid there often when I wanted to get away from my family. But the refrigerator was in the pantry's place. I reached into the freezer, and there were all the frozen organic foods I currently now have in my apartment freezer. On top of them was the vegetarian pizza with stewed tomatoes from this afternoon. He said something to me, and I ignored it. I reached for the pizza, and he put his hand up to stop me. He seemed to be acting as if I was getting fat, and I am anything but...

I reacted with anger. I glared at him. People tell me that when I am angry, and look at you hard, I could bore a hole in your head...or that I used to be that way. My anger was harsh. This time it was back in it's full fury. My voice lowered to the depth of gravel and I could hear myself saying as clear as day: "Don't you dare EVER, ever, do that again. How dare you tell me what I can and cannot eat!!!" He laughed, and leaned against the refrigerator. I looked into his eyes, and tried to catch his pupils with mine, to drive my point home. But what stared back at me scared the fucking fuck out of me. His eyes became larger and larger, until they drew together, and at the same time, a third eye emerged in the center. They were converging into one, like a triangle with two circles pressing against it on either side, <like this: oVo> and I felt drawn into them. I could see the striations in the iris, the expanding pupils, like an empty hole. I could even see the tiny red veins. It almost looked like a bug's eyes; but not a praying mantis' eyes, more like a spider's...which I dislike INTENSELY. This was not my idea of what a 'third eye' should look like... I quickly looked away and back at the freezer door, which was still half open, and my right hand was holding it.

I shut the door, pushing a box of chicken and apple sausage back in...he folded his arms and laughed powerfully at me. I could smell the scent of his skin and hair. I could smell the aromas in the kitchen. Then, all of a sudden, I had my back against the refrigerator, and he had pinned me there. The coldness was against my back. He was grinning malevolently, and I said: "You know I want you out of this house. You cannot stay." His response was: "Then you shouldn't lead me on like this." I said that I was doing no such thing, and yet, when I looked down, I had no top on. My breasts were right there. But I had not taken it off...I was nonplussed to say the least. I struggled, wondering why my top was off, and he laughed and pressed against me harder. I shoved him off me with all my might. He just roared at me with laughter, but I had shoved him back. As I raise my knee to slam it into his groin, as he rebounded back to me...I realized that I had my arms raised in the manner of a praying mantis ready to attack an opponent several times larger than itself... and then I woke up. With the image of those converging eyes in my head. I heard myself say, as I was waking up: "You get the fuck out of my fucking house, you fucking demon!!!!"

Needless to say, I've remained awake since then. I lit some incense and sat on the toilet. I think friends are not friends who harbor thoughts of sexual gratification in return for being your friend. And the way he has been acting lately, I am pretty sure he hasn't given up the ghost of wanting me, though I've told him repeatedly that I consider him ONLY a friend. This dream shook me to my core. I think it is my subconscious telling me to end this friendship, because whether I consider it a friendship only or not...he probably doesn't. That is becoming painfully clear in the normal waking daylight hours...and this dream...well...it rankles. I can't get the image out of my head. I am actually afraid to go to sleep again. *shivers*

Addendum:

Have you ever had a dream so vivid that it just makes you despise the person who was in it? And how do I know that those images weren't images my subconcscious projected to me of the parts of myself that I don't like? Or if that dream was a warning... I know this. It's one or the other. It wasn't a jumbled, nonsensical dream at all. This one was meant to instruct, I'm sure. Either to help me see the sides of myself that still need to change, or to tell me to run screaming from this man and don't look back.

I just called the 'love of my life', and though he is busy, he took the time to listen for about five minutes, and tell me about his day. We talked about John Coltrane's A Love Supreme. That took the edge off. We joked and laughed, and I offered to drive him to the airport this weekend. I feel better now. I've offered to be of help to him, and this horrible nightmare is not so frightening anymore... I'm glad he was just there on the phone being his jovial self. He is turning out to be a lovely friend.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Aug 19, 2005.

Aug 19, 2005 17:15 # 38208

NiQuE ** has a suggestion...

Re: A Nightmare So Vivid...

64% | 2

I am pretty sure he hasn't given up the ghost of wanting me, though I've told him repeatedly that I consider him ONLY a friend.

It doesn't matter how many times you have told him. He will keep pressing for it until you decide to give it to him. I am assuming that you don't know him very well and because of that, you don't know what he is capable of.

I think it would be wise to take this nightmare as a warning, and use it to get out of this "friendship" as soon as you possibly can...

I am speaking from personal experience.

If you have been accepting anything from him, stop immediately. Accepting things makes him think that you need him and that he should be repayed and that he should beable to decide the method of repayment.. In this case, and in most cases... Sex.

I have been in a situation where a "friend", Dan, would not stop buying me jewelery and other gifts. He would then expected sexual favours because he bought things for me, all of which I refused to accepted because I knew what his motives were. I had been very blunt in explaining to him many times that there would be no chance that we would ever be together, but this didn't matter to him.

After 6 months of this "friendship", I started seeing another guy that I was actually (at the time) interested in. Dan's behaviors became obsessive and angry and I became scared to be alone with him after he became increasingly demanding. I was scared that he would eventually get fed up with me turning him down, and take what he wanted regardless... Since I owed him, right?

I immediately left the province. He knew that he had frightened me (I was lucky in that sense) and moved back to his home country. I guess he realized that his actions were beyond obsessive, and had to get away from me aswell.

This post was edited by NiQuE on Aug 19, 2005.

Aug 20, 2005 05:30 # 38216

rosyxxx *** replies...

Re: A Nightmare So Vivid...

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I follow what you are saying. :-( And yes, he did help me more than several months ago when all of that mess with my online stalker from 6-years in my past was going on, and my fever was sky-high, and I was so sick I couldn't work. He payed a portion of the rent. He said, "You know, just so you can get back on your feet," which I predominantly have done. He also help me set up my computer, after another friend repaired it for a reasonable fee. Fortunately, he did not know about this site, nor, when he asked for my e-mail address did I give it to him. I trust so very few people, for good reason, and it appears now, that I should not trust him.

But we would just go and catch movies, and talk. And my heart was opening up, and I thought, hey, what a nice guy, maybe something could happen here... though I was still missing the 'love of my life' very much. And then one night a month or so ago, while we were sitting in my living room chatting about philosophy and religion, and art, and it was getting late and it was time for me to go to bed...he stopped me at the door, and pulled me into his arms. I could feel him up against me, and he kept saying things I don't want to repeat. I pulled away, remembering being molested at 16 in a hotel room on the beach near Pawley's Island. The memory and his behaviour made me scared.

After that, I refused to have him in my place. Whenever he would ask if he could come by, I said I would meet him somewhere, that I wanted to drive so I could finish my chanting practice in the car...which was partially true. I didn't want to believe he was doing what he was doing. I told him, point blank, that my mantra practice was more important to me than anything else, right now. That my health was the issue, and I felt that along with the help of my friends, my mantra practice was what was keeping me well. I told him I did not want to date anyone and that we could only hang out as friends, that I had to devote my time to my practice, and getting involved in anything sexual was too much of a distraction. He didn't exactly scoff, then, but...

I'd made the decision a while back not to date anymore, and then 'the love of my life' had thrown a pair of concert tickets into the mix, and we'd slipped back into old behaviour. By this point, I've realized that even with someone I love, the time is not right for now. This I did not tell the guy who had been in my dream, because I felt it wasn't any of his business.

That weekend I got sick...again. For the first time in over three months. Then the following Tuesday I sprained my ankle bad. Then I broke out in a horrible rash on my neck. He was there, of course, wanting to know how I was doing, and offering to go catch a movie. Which we did. But while we were deciding what movie to catch, he mentioned the movie with Bill Murray, Broken Flowers, which I had already seen by myself...and I said, yeah, I'd go see it, anything with Bill Murray is always good. He replied, that that wasn't true, just look at the movie Kingpin. I asked why that was bad, and he said, well Woody Harrelson was in it, and he couldn't pay his rent, and to get out of paying his rent, he ate the old-lady apartment manager out. I said, "Ew! Yuck!" I suggested we not talk about such things, and said, "You know on a lighter note, I talked to my apartment manager today, and told her that my rent was just exhorbitant, and I was going to have to move out because of it, and they offered to reduce my rent by $130, back to where it had been several years ago...that is wonderful, and it is a huge relief!" He ignored that, and started shuffling papers, telling me he had to go, and he would meet me there, and that I should remember where I left off talking. I exhaled, and said goodbye.

When I met him at the movie, he was smiling, and I told him I had something that I needed to mention before I shoved it under the rug and internalized it. I said it bothered me that he didn't seem to be happy for me that my rent was reduced. I even mentioned this to my friend Dan as I was driving over there, and Dan said he thought I was worried about nothing. I don't think I am. I think this guy knew this month would be rough for me, (he asked about bringing groceries over for me last Sunday, and I said 'No', that I was perfectly fine... and just needed to rest) and he was frustrated when it sounded like I was going to get a break on my rent, making it easier for me to see my way to staying on top of things financially, and to continue moving forward. I try to maintain a positive attitude, but it has been tight at times. And the fact that he knows I am a stripper complicates things...though it doesn't for other people. Most people I know, treat me like who I am outside of that place. They want nothing to do with my job. My friend Paul thinks of me as 'the stripper with a heart of gold'. heh. And he is a normal guy friend who never makes any sexual overtures, and we just sit around reading Bukowski, each other's poetry, and listening to CDs like Yo-Yo Ma with Bobby McFerrin. He is like the guys I was friends with as a girl.

But I don't think this guy, the one from my dream, is... and I can see how I slipped into this. Maybe, it is because I am still a little full of fear of my past, fear of being victimized, and that fear draws people with ill intentions to me. People who may think all kinds of things that I don't know about. I intend to tell him that this has to stop. But over the phone, and not in person. He is giving me the creeps. I've felt a little hesitant to say it before, because I felt guilty for wanting to disappear after the incident in my living room. I felt like I was being unappreciative of his help. But that is the kind of mindset that got me in trouble with my stalker, who used to be an old-boyfriend who 'preyed' upon me when I was weak after my mother died. This other guy seems to be 'preying' upon me in a place of weakness as well. Maybe THAT is why the 'praying'/'preying' mantises stuck in my head.

Thank you for responding, and thank you for telling me about your friend who was obsessing over you. I've had my own obsession with 'the love of my life', but everytime in the past I have bought him a Christmas present, or birthday gift, or some small thing like a tape of Shakespeare being read...I mailed almost all of them, and never expected anything in return. I may have wished for it, but I didn't expect it. I didn't call him wanting to see if he got it or not, I figured the U.S. mail was pretty reliable, and if it wasn't, oh well. The point, I thought, at the time, was learning to "give" unconditionally. I felt that losing him was giving me the opportunity to learn to do that better. Losing him made me realize that I didn't have a right to expect anything from anybody. Everyone should have a choice to give their heart and their gifts.

Back when I was so sick, a few friends gave me a bunch of yarn, and my Dad bought me some. I knitted up a storm to have gifts to give to people...and found that, in giving those handmade gifts, people didn't feel obligated to return the favor. I like that. I like the way it feels giving something full of love, without worrying that people will feel that they owe you something. Apparently, in this guy's mind, I OWE him for having helped me out. And that is not right. He encouraged me to believe that it was given unconditionally, when it is so obvious now that it wasn't. The fact that he seems to think he is owed sex in return, makes me SURE that I don't owe him a damn thing, especially not now. The energy he has extracted from me by behaving like this, seems payment enough!" <sarcasm button>

I feel a little less unsure now about what I should do. It seems clear now. Crystal. It's usually so easy to see what other people should do, and so hard to see it for yourself. He.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Aug 20, 2005.


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