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Sep 14, 2005 14:20 # 38873
Cow shit, bull shit, horse shit...any kind of shit, including family shit is just that, waste products that can be turned into dirt.
It's the bottom line alot of time.
And what do I owe this view of things to? A letter, another one of those in which I get reminded, repremanded by someone simply because I didn't get all excited over what they want to do for me in some distant future time, and was honest enough to tell them that I've heard so many people say so many things, some well intentioned, and some things said are a result of an emotional moment.
(soft and fuzzy makes me dizzy and want to go all gooie)
When people say things to me, about what I should or shouldn't do, or what they will do, I take it as it is.
Realizing that 90% of what is said is in that moment.
And for me to put emotional weights and hopes on what's said and to get exicted and try to build a building on that is stupid.
It's like building a mansion on the top of a volcano. It's stupid.
I've spent far too much on believing and counting on what someone said, only to have it be nothing in the end, with me having put lots of time and energy tord it, not to come away with this:
That until I hold it, touch it, can actually put it in the bank, there ain't no sense in spending what I have foolishly.
Because until I hold it, touch it and can actually put it in the bank, it's just a nice thought, and my closets are full of nice thoughts and good intentions from well meaning people who arn't standing in my shoes.
One of the things I love about this place and the peace and acceptance of this place is that when I get slammed into the wall I can come and just let go, and no one takes offense or believes that they need to fix me.
Or even remind me that this is the real world and shit happens and maybe my pile of shit is due to the choices I've made so in effect I'm paying the price for doing what I did, and by golly if I have to pay this price for the rest of my life that's just too darn bad.
FUCK THAT SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhhh, now that that emotional explosive burst of frustration is out of the way, and I can eat my milk and cookies more quietly, I have this to say:
That when things go wrong I'm just as human as the next person.
That sometimes when everything is falling apart that makes the work I've invested seem a moot point, it really is ok to feel like shit.
It's ok to have feelings.
It really really is. It's a lot better than what I used to do when the world came to sit on my head and try and break my back.
I used to respond by eating, or washing my hands, or shopping like it wasn't going to be here 5 minuets from now.
Sometimes when it feels like I'm being punished for even trying, and my life is doomed to have diamond studded carrots possitioned over very deep holes just to watch me go for it one more time, that it's ok to want someone just to be there.
To pass no judgement, or try to remind me of things I know and accept, but just allow me to stop sofocating and feel bad for a little while.
I get the impression based on why people show up in my life or call or anything else, is that it's my job, based again on conversations that happen, and I do have witnesses to this process, so I know it not just me saying this, to listen and listen and listen, like some large depository for their crap.
BUT!!!!!!!!!!!! if I go to those same people when I need just a bit of support, I'm told all kinds of manner of shit, that I'm having a pitty party, that because I've shot down their promise balloons that I'm suppose to get all excited and drool over and build my fucking life around and don't, that they have every fucking right to roast me over the fucking coals.
Give me a fucking break!
I'm strong. I know that. I know the real world kicks people around, sometimes a little bit, sometimes alot and then it feels like life got a dump truck to run you over with.
And it really dosen't matter what my cracked mirror looks like when I see it, or that the conclusions I come to maybe based on repeated experiences that end the same way again and again.
All that matters sometimes when all you can feel is pain and bewilderment is someone to step along side you and just be there.
And it would seem that I can't get this one person who responds every time I talk to them when things go sideways in my life, to understand that all I need, all I want is for them to just be there.
They expect it of me all the time.
Our phone conversations consist mostly of me going uh huh. I do have witnesses.
They call and go on and on and on about all this or that, and I just sit on this on going uh huh.
First, there is no space made in the conversation for me to say any more than that, and secondly, I have nothing to say because I don't live in their shoes.
I've gotten to the place where trying to prove points just to prove points is exausting.
I'm of a mind that doing that is more about the need to be right than anything else.
I've found myself in an on going debate, that I didn't realize it had become, and I don't want to debate, I don't want to argue, I'm tired.
This person who wrote me this letter has a need to be right.
It's a relative so please no body here get the wrong idea ok...
should have stated that right off, but I'm saying it now.
They will push and manipulate as much as they can until out of sheer exaustion from their constant pushing that people will agree to do what they want.
I was real honest with them when they called after I made the mistake of writing a letter to them about what I was feeling.
What I said offened them. That I would have the nerve to put them in the same catagory as everyone who has said things to me but never followed through, so I've taken the stance that I don't trust what people say, it's what they do that tells me the truth about their intentions.
That goes the same all across the board including me.
And this offended them. And sure as black clouds have rain in mind, the letter came.
They could have their say, and basicly get in my face and tell me I needed to stop throwing tanturms and having pitty parites and this is the real world and welcome to it....
Deep sigh...It did help me come to one conclusion, that from now on I will write when things get like that, in some obscure place like word pad, or here in some vague way, and call it good.
There is no sense in expecting this person to understand when I just need someone to steady myself when I'm standing in 90 mile an hour winds.
They don't. They just need to be right. Even if that means that they need to bite me in the process...
But that too is life sometimes. Shit happens.
That's all,...it just sometimes happens.