Reading Dreams

Sep 26, 2005 07:19 # 39053

rosyxxx *** posts about...

Is nobody else but me having dreams lately?

Warning: it's long, but that is because there is 'reflection' after the dream...

I wouldn't feel so odd about this, but because no one has posted their dreams lately, by posting this, it will appear that I am hogging the 'dream forum'. Just because there will now be three in a row of me...

Anyway. I'm not. There are more than a few days between them, and I seem to be having some rather interesting and odd dreams as of late. Take last night, I was dreaming that I was in an antique store, that was situated in a valley of green grass. Half of it was indoors, and half was outdoors. There were tables and tables of old candies from the 'teens'. Tiered dessert trays of candy hearts of all shapes and sizes, and pastilles with their dusty coating on them, made to look like individual beads off of a blackberry. The sugar was more visible on them than in real life. I don't know how to explain that, but it was... There were cardboard tins of children's cough syrups too. Yeck! Except they probably had coca leaf in them. Common fare back then... and then there were "Hello Kitty" candies? That should have been a tip-off right there! But I still didn't realize that I was dreaming.

I found myself sitting on a sofa in the grass, with another little kid (I was a kid), and she handed me two stuffed animals to choose from...one was the red bear which I think I gave to her, and I don't remember what mine was...

Then we picked up a box of cereal with aliens on it...probably "Freakies" from the 70s, and I wondered aloud what it would be like if one of the aliens could stick its tongue out from the side of the box? Then....one of them did! And he materialized, larger than life, looking like a large, but friendly, and vaudevillian praying mantis. He was putting on a comedy show for us.

Meanwhile, I found that my stuffed animal was strategically placed between my legs, and the phone rang, and it was a certain gentleman on the phone. So, I guess this dream is X-rated too; but, unfortunately, it didn't last.

I fell back asleep, and dreamed again of a house full of old china...Limoges, Rosenthal, Royal Danish (probably because I had been reading Ch. 2 of the book Being-In-Dreaming where there was a picnic that involved mismatched china plates) and the like. I also saw little china nick-nacks like my mom used to collect, and one of them, for some odd reason, signaled to me that I was dreaming. I just 'knew' it. But then, I promptly forgot, and the rest of the dream, where a big red Irish Setter had been made into a half-dog, half mechanized Arnold Schwarzenneger type watchdog--was lost upon me. I couldn't change the dog's fate, and I was just watching my dreams fly by...

*****end descriptive sequence of dreams, and beginning of my reflection*****

Makes me wonder if that's not what I am doing with my life too...just watching it fly by, and feeling a bit powerless lately; on alternate days. It seems to be a bit of a crossroads for me now. I had forgotten how hard it was for me to function these last few years, and since April 20th, things have changed dramatically. It seems that the last few weeks have contained constant reminders for my ego not to get hung up on how much it has achieved, because I keep getting blatant reminders that it wasn't so easy being me a few years ago. Sometimes I think back and say to myself: "You could have stopped yourself from acting that way..." But I couldn't have. Not at the time. I was at the whim of my every emotion. Just like I seem to still be at the whim of every 'fancy' in my dreams. Even of pushing my sister down the stairs...which pains me. I called to wish her a "Happy Birthday" on the machine at Dad's house yesterday, and I know I'll never hear back from her. I doubt she'll call on my birthday in two days...

The interesting thing is, that back a few years ago, there were so many awful things happening, that I was terribly overwhelmed. And I became very primitive in my emotions. Worse than my sister's problems with her self-righteous behaviour. I was worse in comparison. Now that that has changed, she seems not to have changed herself, and continues to want to oust me out of the family nest. I just realized the other day that some of my favorite watercolors and paintings were carted off by her to a storage facility, without her even telling my Dad that. She complained and complained about not being able to get her art supplies and artwork from her husband, who seemed to be holding it for ransom...and she has hypocritically blocked me from getting my things. As well, as trying to rationalize keeping all of my bookmaking supplies, even though she has hers back now. She says they are duplicates of hers, and I assume that means that since she thinks I was copying her? that she should own them? I countered that faulty thinking the last time I saw her, but she replied: "Heather, I have two children to raise..." by way of explaining her refusal to have time to think about whether it was fair for her to do that or not. And she told me we could communicate by e-mail. When we live not an hour apart. She seems to just hate me, and I must say...it's hard not to return that hate. I've tried since I was a little girl to be liked by her...and very rarely succeeded.

Many years ago, she was angry because I was pregnant, and she was not. She said she wanted to be the first 'one' to present a grandchild. Well, I guess she has...in spades. And now, she lives with my father. Struggling to get back on her feet herself, and loving to hate me. Most of the time, I try to ignore it, and just take it...but I have to say...I don't really want to push her down the stairs like I did in my dream -- I just want to say: "Well, you've succeeded in being the family baby-making-machine, miss-I-used-to-be-an-ultra-feminist, and you have Dad's full attention with you and your brood, and if you are so busy taking care of two kids, when the fuck do you expect to have time to make art with MY art supplies and yours? Bitch."

But I won't say it. I'll call, like I did, and wish her bitchy ass a 'happy birthday'. I half meant it, but only half. Still, it's not like the past, when I was at the whim of every emotion, and if I hadn't felt so discombobulated in her presence, I would have said those things... I would have been at the whim of my every emotion. I wouldn't just write about it, I'd say it to her face. And yet, I know that she is struggling too...I keep reminding myself that. But I won't likely hear from her on my birthday in two days...and I don't think I even want to see her, not even in my dreams. Not after the rude way she behaved when Dad tried to get us to celebrate our birthday's together last year, nor the way she behaved at Christmas the past two years. Even my friend who was with me at 'our farcical family Christmas celebration' two years ago...asked me what the fuck my sister's problem was...he said she seemed jealous as hell. Making comments about my hair, and other things. I would have liked to sling some hash back at her right then and there, but I didn't. A few years ago, I would have...

These past few months, that has changed. Dramatically for the better. And it is still like that, but every few days, something comes up, a day comes up, where I am living the way I used to, and feel just as powerless to change it. It certainly is humbling. I certainly don't have much of an opportunity to think that I am better than other people who are struggling now as much as I was then...except for my sister, who just freakin' takes the cake with her inability to be kind and decent; and I guess my dreams weren't so odd after all, if this is the kind of insight that I get from them. It's teaching me to be more understanding of why people do things, as well as to get my aggressions out in dreams and on paper.

Mind you, my violence has pretty much always been with my tongue, with the exception of one catfight, one guy I punched in the nose after I found him fucking another girl, customer's at work whose fingers I've bent back after them trying to finger me, and the childhood habit of biting people. I don't hit people or push them down the stairs, but I've had that done to me...and when it happened, I did nothing, except dig my fingers into the people's arms by way of retaliation, as well as trying to hold on and not fall all the way down the stairs as I was being pushed.

Or, once, when my 'nemisis'-who apparently still logs on here- got mad because I asked for the title to my car, and threw my keys down, by way of finalizing my point...which he then used as an excuse to run up on the hood of my car and jump up and down on the windshield, effectively breaking it. I was so angry, I tried to do the same thing to his car, but since I am small, petite, and not a fatass, all I succeeded in doing was provoking him into slinging me around like a kitten by the neck, and slamming me into a car tire. Of course, it was all my fault. Just as I am sure it was all my fault that I got pushed down the stairs a lot as a little girl. No wonder I always held the railing for years, and couldn't bring myself to go down steps sometimes without sitting on them like a child. No wonder.

These memories are just flooding back, and making me realize in a painful sort of way, that I've been through a hell of a lot, and I am still a wonderful person. I still laugh, I still cry, I still care very deeply for people, even when they are being assholes. I want to forgive everybody, including myself...if I could just be sure that they won't blindside me again. And I think the only way to prevent being blindsided, is to be very aware of human nature, both my own and everyone else's. That means not pretending that the past doesn't exist. I used to dwell on the past excessively, while lately, I have been so pollyannaish in pretending that it didn't exist; and yet my days and my dreams aren't allowing me to rest upon my laurels, and pretend that there were never any problems, nor to pretend that there are none now...I think that is probably good.

Progress is slow, and it comes in waves, just like the dreams do...and I want to make good use of the capacity to remember my dreams while they are vivid in my memory. If I can focus on the feelings I had toward my sister in that dream, and the way I seemed to be playing her part...then maybe I could put myself in her shoes a little better, and be more forgiving of her bad behaviour. I wish she could do the same with me...

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Sep 26, 2005.

Oct 02, 2005 20:09 # 39215

yoshi314 * wants to know...

Re: Is nobody else but me having dreams lately?

I wouldn't feel so odd about this, but because no one has posted their dreams lately, by posting this, it will appear that I am hogging the 'dream forum'.

now that i think of it - i don't dream while sleeping anymore. it's almost a year now. is there something wrong with me?

and now i'm going to read your full post carefully :]

"Life is a queue. You come in, hang around for a bit, get some service, then depart."

This post was edited by yoshi314 on Oct 02, 2005.

Oct 03, 2005 01:56 # 39225

ginsterbusch *** has a suggestion...

Re: Is nobody else but me having dreams lately?

now that i think of it - i don't dream while sleeping anymore. it's almost a year now. is there something wrong with me?

Probably you're still dreaming, but you simply cant remember after you wake up. Maybe there's some problem with where you sleep or so?

cu, w0lf.

beards are cool. every villain has one!

Oct 03, 2005 02:12 # 39226

majic *** replies...

Re: Is nobody else but me having dreams lately?

I almost never remember my dreams when I wake up. There is a 99% chance that I'll never remember them after I wake. I think there is a large portion of people that also experience this.

Oct 03, 2005 11:30 # 39236

rosyxxx *** laughs about...

Re: Is nobody else but me having dreams lately?

Yes, well, I realize that most people don't remember their dreams...but, unfortunately, I cannot say the same. I remember most. In vivid detail. Some are just frivolous, some are 'rehashes' of the day, and others....are just plain revealatory. Ultimately, all of them infuse my days with their memory...

Maybe that's why I seem so 'dreamy' to some. Or maybe it just adds to it. All I can say is, when I get to the point where I can dream lucidly at random...all those jerks and scary people that pop up in my dreams are so getting their butts kicked. If you ask me, that sounds way better than a video game. Wish me well on my 'lucid dream endeavor'...

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.


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