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I recently came across my one and only ex again, and it's been a tough few days. I know we were not together long (only about a month), but there was something there. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I think some of you may know what I mean. It wasn't love, but yeah...
Anyway, seeing him around campus has really started up the emotions again. Well, they actually never left me, but I have suppressed them with my anger towards him. He is an incredibly sweet guy; intelligent, funny, compassionate... but we ended things on a bad note.
I met him at the beginning of December last year. We were taking a Philosophy course together. Both of us being rather shy, it took quite some time to even sit down and have a discussion outside of class. The day we finally did, it only lasted an hour because it was between classes, but it was one of the best hours of my life. We hung out a little more after that and studied together for the final, and I headed back home for the holidays. For a couple of weeks, we lost correspondance, but then we began e-mailing each other quite frequently. Feelings grew, and the day I came back from home, he asked me out.
We moved slowly. It was my first relationship, and he was recovering from a rather long and rocky one. It was difficult to spend time with each other outside of the school day because he still lived at home and was working, and I was incredibly busy with a huge load of school work. Most of the time, we would just spend our breaks between classes together. He also spent time with my friends and I at lunch, and I would sometimes sit with him and his friends.
After about two weeks, we finally found time to go out on our first date. There isn't much to do in this small town, so we had dicided we wanted to go to a city that's about an hour's drive from here. This proved to be a difficult situation because he had to work until the late afternoon and he wanted me to meet his parents before we left. I ended up only meeting his mother, and things seemed to go as smoothly as they can in one of those situations.
Being the safer driver, I drove the long way there (he'd been in a wreck not long before I met him, and his parents didn't feel safe with him driving that far). The drive down was rather relaxing. We talked and listened to some good music. It began raining rather hard as soon as we got there. We tried our best to stay dry, but it didn't really work, and my hair went crazy. Despite looking terrible by this point, he insisted that I looked beautiful. We walked around the mall, went to Books-A-Million (a favorite for both of us English majors), went into a few other places, and went out to dinner. Dinner was a little... weird.. but it was mostly because we weren't that comfortable sitting near the people next to us. It was probably only around 6:30 or 7:00, and they were pretty drunk. Nevertheless, it was nice. He paid, we left and got gas, and headed back because we were both rather tired.
The drive back was very quiet. In this part of the state, it is flat, so when the wind blows, it's difficult to drive. On top of the wind blowing, it was storming very badly and it was incredibly dark. This is the only type of situation I do not like driving in. The silence didn't seem that odd to me, but I suppose that was because my mind was busy trying to get him home safely so his parents didn't freak out. He took the silence as a bad thing and didn't speak to me for a few days. We eventually worked it out and all was wonderful.
Anyway, on with it..
The Wednesday before Valentine's Day, he was up in my room for a couple of hours between classes, and everything seemed great. We even almost had our first kiss. ;) We both fell asleep together and when we woke up, we talked for a bit, and it was wonderful. Neither of us wanted it to end, but he finally managed to leave with just enough time to get to class.
That Friday, I was going to go home to spend my sister's sixteenth birthday with her, but we got an incredible amount of snow, and I was unable to make it home. They ended classes early that day, and I called to make sure he made it home alright. I told him I wasn't going home that weekend and maybe we could do something one night after he got off work. He agreed and that was that.
Saturday night came, and I tried calling him like I said I would to see if he wanted to do anything. He never answered, so I took it that he was busy with his family, because he had mentioned possibly doing something with them.
Sunday came and I didn't get the chance to call him because I had a lot of homework to finish and I was frantically trying to complete his Valentine's gift. It was similar to this, but with my own spin. I was up until the wee hours of the morning trying to finish it.
Monday came, and he didn't show up to lunch with my friends and I. I thought (and hoped) that the only reason he wasn't there was because he was sick or that his parents didn't want him driving to school that day because of the ice that was still on the roads. (This had happened previously.) Monday afternoon, I tried calling him several times, emailed him, and it was to no avail. I ran to my night class, and tried calling him one more time when I got back. He couldn't really talk because he was helping his mom with something, but I could tell that there was something wrong. He said that he would call back when he was finished, but he never did.
Tuesday. Valentine's Day. I spent my day crying my eyes out because, by this point, I knew it was over. He didn't call. He didn't try catching me around campus. Nothing.
A friend of mine bought me flowers and snuck them in my room while I was gone. Another friend and I had dinner together and then studied for a French test we had the following day. I received an email at about 11:30 that night.
It was all rather confusing. His reasons didn't make since to me in the least. I've deleted it now, but it was something like "We never have anything to talk about," and some other gibberish.
What I didn't understand was that, other than the drive back from our date, we always had something to talk about. We shared several of the same interests and the conversation never got boring. Everything seemed fine, but I suppose it was not.
Anyhow, the fact that he broke up with me through an email on Valentine's Day hurt pretty badly. Not so much the Valentine's Day part as the email. It would have been at least a little better had he called or met up with me somewhere over the weekend when this thought process of his began.
And now I can't help but still feel like something's there. When he walks past me, he watches me. When he stands near, he stares. Even if he sees me from a distance, he stares... There's something in his eyes and it kills me. They draw me in no matter how much I resist. We tried the whole friends thing at first, but I was too upset to handle it. I'm now at the point that I don't want to have these feelings for him, but my heart won't stop. Just thinking about it all again makes it beat faster and faster. I'm not sure what to do at this point.
If you've managed to get through this far, I thank you greatly. Any advice would be appreciated. This was more for me to get it off my chest than for others to enjoy reading it. I have incredible friends here, but they wouldn't understand. They are more angered than I ever was by all he did to me (There's a little more than what I put here). To say the least, I could never talk to them about what's going on inside me right now. I don't know what it is, but I wish it would go away.
Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
I have printed your post so that I can understand your problem better. All I can say is that it seems that this guy does not share the same feelings you have for him, he seems not interested and I think he has told you in his own way . Or maybe he feels uneasy when it comes to feelings.
Regarding his gestures at the campus which gives you the impression that he feels something for you, I think he is just doing this to continue to have this grip and have an effect on you as he knows how you feel for him. I've come across many guys who play with girls feelings and do gestures only for the girls to have eyes for them only. This guy seems to be very immature too.
Sorry for my English, I come from a French Speaking country. Hope I've been able to help