Reading Love and Lifesense

Feb 09, 2007 22:52 # 43940

Ameli1162 * is unsure about...

Friends with Benefits?

I am only 17 years old, and I am not going to claim that I have fallen in love, but i must say this is something like it.
I have known this guy since we were 12 years old, and we've been best friends. At the beginning, he liked me, then he started to just see me as a friend, and thats when I started liking HIM. Well. 5 years later, we were talking (like we do every day, 3 times a day) and he suggested that we start a "friends with benefits" thing...and, stupidly, I agreed. subconsiously I think for some reason I really thought that after a while of the FWB thing that he would realize that he might have more feelings for me..... So after about 2 weeks, we had gotten together about 6 times. He was the first guy to see me without my shirt on.....the first guy i really "made out" with, the first guy i.....did alot of stuff with. But I told him that I wasnt ready to lose my virginity at the beginning of the whole thing, and he said he understood that. So after the first time we hooked up, he was talking about this girl that he started liking at his school, alicia. I let it go. After the 2 weeks, he told me he wanted to have sex with me. I said I wasnt ready. He got mad at me and said I got "everyhing", and he got "nothing". He wanted me to give him oral sex, and I said no. I understand, thats kind of the point of friends with benefits, but this was the first time I had done any of this kind of stuff, so I was still a little hesitant. He got mad at me, and said it wasnt like we were dating, that we didnt have any reason to go slow. I told him it was over, that we should be just friends. He hasnt talked to me since. I am hurt and frustrated, and I know the entire thing is totally my fault, but I dont know where to go from here. My friends say I should stay away from him, that hes not good for me and he never has been. He can be an asshole sometimes. But at the same time I cant just forget the feelings that Im having right now!!! Should I let him go and start the healing process? Should I try and call him? Help me out, guys.


Feb 10, 2007 08:48 # 43941

null throws in his two cents...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

and I know the entire thing is totally my fault,

No it's not. If he can't even understand your feelings, let alone respect them, he's definitely not Mr. Right.

When life hands you a lemon, that's 40% of your RDA of vitamin C taken care of.

Feb 11, 2007 13:09 # 43943

yoshi314 * replies...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

?% | 1

This guy you describe is a total prick. Leave him alone.

He is not thinking with his head (the one on the neck :]) Atm. And i don't think it'll change anytime soon.

It's never good to have sex this early, and especially for such a stupid reason. If he gives you a moral-blackmail on sex, give him up. He's no good.

"Friends with benefits"...He probably thought "sex-friends". What a impudent guy.

"Life is a queue. You come in, hang around for a bit, get some service, then depart."

Feb 15, 2007 21:43 # 43960

Ameli1162 * replies...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

He told all of our mutual friends that i was a liar, and told me that he would never talk to my "pathetic fat ass" again.


Feb 16, 2007 09:40 # 43964

andromacha *** tells about...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

And told me that he would never talk to my "pathetic fat ass" again.

Well, this is totally a plus, don't you think? That guy is clearly a jerk, and you should definitely avoid any further contact with him.

This reminds me of what happened during high school with the guy my husband and I call the "hole guy". I was good friends with him; figure that it was him who was there to help me out when I had my ears pierced. He used to take me home after school with his moped (yes, totally illegal, and totally crazy on my part I know. Also because of course we were without helmets. During high school I was a little nuts I admit).

I have to say that it was definitely a good friendship. He knew I liked him. I have liked him since the day he stepped in our school. He lost a year, and arrived to us in the 2nd year of high school. He was 2 years older than me, considering that I was 1 year younger than all my mates.

Well, coming to the point... we always decided to remain friends, even though I really liked him. I managed to change him a little bit, I gotta add. I managed to get him study and helped him out in any possible way with everything. His mother loved me. She hoped he would go for me (at a certain point during my 4th year I had even thought about an alliance with his mother :P)

The very beginning of the 5th year, we decided to join a swimming pool together. We were going there by bus, and at a certain point we got lost. Well, he asked for information saying that "we had just moved in our new apartment, and we didn't know street names and everything". Okay, I thought that was a little odd, but didn't say anything and laughed about it.

Nothing really happened until I met Hawkeye. Even though he was in America, we immediately hit it off very well. But he can get into more details in another post about this. Of course things changed slightly with my friend, because I finally started seeing him only as a friend and not as something else as before. We were still close though, also because he didn't give me any reason not to.

It was the year of our exam before university. We studied together sometimes to review things. In particular I had to help him out with Italian literature. So one day he came to me to study that (my parents were not there). To be perfectly honest, I thought that he had started feeling something for me, but I didn't know exactly what kind of feeling, whether positive or negative or what. So, ahem, I did something not really nice. I hid a taperecorder under my bed, and switched it on a second before he came into my room. We started studying. He was at my desk, since he had to write, and I was sitting on the table.

At a certain point he moved on my bed, and I felt uncomfortable, so I sat on the floor. He sat down on the floor, so I sat back on the bed and asked him what the hell was wrong with him. As a reply, he undid his belt and he tried to undo my bra. Admittedly, he wasn't very good with that (fortunately for me). At that point he started talking through metaphores, he said that he wanted to "dig a hole" (you can imagine where), then he brought up satellites. But I don't remember that part very well, I remember only something about him saying that his satellite was 16 cm.

I don't know how, but I managed to get him out of the house. He then tried to be a jerk about it with all of our friends, but he had to tell the truth when I told him that I had recorded all his words on a tape. People like him won't change a bit, no matter how hard you try. He was the same one who called me a few years later calling me on the phone saying how he wanted to rape me, and how he wanted to put a bomb in my car and stuff like that. So much that I called Hawkeye that night and we stayed on the phone quite a while, and then my cousins came to pick me up, to make me sleep at their place.

Stay away from your "friend". He's an asshole and doesn't deserve to have you around. This is the moral of my story, and the moral of yours too.

Italy no longer accepts illegal immigrants. Mr. B sink their boats!!!!!!!

This post was edited by andromacha on Feb 16, 2007.

Feb 16, 2007 11:55 # 43967

null wants to know...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

he said that he wanted to "dig a hole" (you can imagine where)

Ooh, where?

When life hands you a lemon, that's 40% of your RDA of vitamin C taken care of.

Feb 16, 2007 16:57 # 43973

yoshi314 * can sympathize...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

He told all of our mutual friends that i was a liar, and told me that he would never talk to my "pathetic fat ass" again.

well if they bought it without hesitation - they aren't really your friends.

btw. i guess that's good news, right? :]

"Life is a queue. You come in, hang around for a bit, get some service, then depart."

Feb 17, 2007 01:41 # 43975

Ameli1162 * replies...


I suppose you're right.

Doesnt mean it doesnt hurt, though. :/


Feb 26, 2007 06:38 # 44030

zen *** replies...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

?% | 1

At your age, these kinds of crappy experiences happen regularly. Wish I could be more encouraging...but it's a fact of nature.

The term "friends with benefits"--something unheard of in my teens, is completely ambiguous. It means different things to everyone, in the same respect that "dating" and "relationship" mean to us individually.

The only thing that you can fault yourself for is not being clear about the boundries.
Guys will tell a gal (or another guy) anything if he thinks there's the remotest chance that he'll get laid. He said he would be patient, or wait, of that he agreed with you, etc.,
"blah, blah, blah..." is really all he heard.

part of the negotiation in all this stuff is to make it clear to your partner that you need to be comfortable. That factor is what weeds out the creeps. If he's truly caring about you, he'll just wait, and he'll be concerned about what you actually say, and not what he thinks it should be.

but of course, life with it's infinite twists and turns might throw you a curve ball. he may be perfectly willing to wait, and do as he promises he will, and he might be charming, and wonderfull in almost everything....
and it turns out that he's bisexual, or some such.

honestly, dealing with straight guys is typical of the type of thing that happened to you. However, having said that, I'll cover myself by saying that there are plenty of straight guys who are decent, and won't run some bullshit drama because you asserted your boundries.

Let me correct myself again. It's the straight TEEN boyz that act that way.
The true reality might be that his shitty attitude may have little to do with you personally, so much as he's mad that he didn't get laid even after telling his "boyz" that he's got a sure thing in you. Ultimately, it's your body. You have the last say on the matter always.

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag

Feb 26, 2007 09:57 # 44036

eljefe *** replies...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

?% | 1

He got mad at me, and said it wasnt like we were dating, that we didnt have any reason to go slow.

Lots of WTFery in that statement right there.

Your friend obviously doesn't know, FWB doesn't mean sex. What FWB means, in the words of an author on Craigslist, is sure you get your mack on but you have to sit there and listen to her sob stories and still be her friend and take into account her emotions.

He was probably looking for fuck buddy.

I'll be honest with you, in time you'll realize it wasn't that big of a loss. It's amazing how he'd throw away a relationship like that over sex. I love sex just as much as the next guy, hell sometimes more, but there are certain people you have it with and certain people you don't.

And I've had a FWB before, and the secret to those are: you don't make them. They just happen, and 99% of the time happen after 2 people have broken up. In my case my FWB is an ex of mine, we were already comfortable with each other, already tried the relationship thing out, so we knew what we wanted.

Fond memories

Feb 27, 2007 07:07 # 44040

Ameli1162 * replies...


60% | 2

The healing process has started, and i have alot of other things to worry about in my life right now, let alone this pathetic excuse for a guy. Even though i know what type of person he obviously is, it still hurts alot when i read something i wrote in my journal wen we were on the phone or "best friends", funny stuff or inside jokes, or when i hear a voicemail i had saved of him talking in a heavily accented voice telling me how sorry he was for hanging up on me, or pictures of us at the mall making wierd faces. It hurts alot because i thought that the relationship we had was worth more, and it would survive something like a fwb situation. I was wrong. I see that i was wrong, and im moving on, i suppose. But the pain is incredible. I do not want to say that i was in love, because all i ever hear about love is how its so great, and how its the best feeling in the world, but right now all im feeling is guilt and anger and hurt. But maybe for love to feel that great, you need to be loved back.


Jun 01, 2007 11:25 # 44623

kaizley *** can sympathize...

Re: Friends with Benefits?

?% | 1

I had a friend with benefits for a while. But unlike you, we went out a few times and decided that a serious relationship wouldn't work, so we were just friends and eventually it just happened. I thought that if i hung around, he would like me more too, but he didn't, not even after six months. He would talk about other girls all the time and it really really got to me. A lot. The whole situation really hurt me for a while, because i was getting too emotionally invested in the relationship and he wasn't. And i guess i went a little mad.

He never forced me to do anything i didn't want to but, he was very nice about it. And even if we're not having relations now. It's a bit sad that i wasted that special moment on someone that i wasn't in love with. but i managed to gain a best friend out of it.

You can learn a lot from this experience, about how strong you are, and how much you need to respect yourself and how to look after and protect yourself. If anyone pressures you into anything, they aren't worth it. Not ever.

That is all. :)

and too afraid, you're too afraid to fall for anything. and too afraid, much too afraid to sing.

This post was edited by kaizley on Jun 01, 2007.

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