Reading Love and Lifesense

Dec 21, 2007 17:26 # 45323

Yuli ** posts about...

Why can't I let go...........?

91% | 2

I meant Scoota in April of 2005, a man married for 24 years, and he said that he was looking for "friends with benefits". Well of course I told him that I would not lower myself to being a mistress. Well our relation started off very neat. Emails about me going continuing my education, about me gaining a better job, and just being a productive human being.
Well after being "friendsĒ for 5 months we became lovers. Of course he told me how he no longer loved his wife; as a wife, but he felt a strong since of obligation to her. Of course I understood this; I mean he was a good man, who had just fallen out of love. It happens, right? I feel very stupid right now, because this sounds so dumb. But at this time I was very lonely.
I'm a middle aged woman; my children no longer live at home. They are either married or living with their partner. I had not dated seriously while the children were growing up, because I felt who would want a readymade family, the size that I had. I have 4 children. So, since I felt this way, when I would date, I kept myself distant. No man was allowed to spend the night in my childrenís home and no one that I had dated seemed to mind that arrangement.
So, when I meant Scoota, it seemed perfect. Scoota is a white middle age man, married to a black woman. While I have always been attracted to white men, I was too afraid to venture out of my little world to find out if the feelings were returned. I had always been told that while white men may find us exotic and attractive, they would never marry us. So I did nothing about this attraction until Scoota came into my life.
Scoota did move out of his home for a while, and moved into mine. Scoota turned out to be an alcoholic. He is back with his wife now and he is in recovery,( He left me a day before his birthday, just drove off saying that he would be back). I'm in recovery also, but I'm still madly in love with this man. Who has told me that he is afraid to leave his wife again because he has no more free passes. He has told me that he is not sure if he really ever stopped loving his wife and that he does not know if what he felt for me was love or lust. While in the next breath he tells me to think positive thoughts and things will work out. How much le loves me. How I have helped him open up to his wife. Now that, really made me feel special.
He just left my home where we have ended things again, I have lost track of the amount of times we have said that things are over between us. But I know I cannot continue seeing and giving myself to a man who has told me time & time again, who has shown me time & time again, just how little I mean to him. Oh he says, ďLetís do a gratitude list before I walk out the door. A list of all the things that weíre happy for in our life.Ē Iím happy that I found the strength to stop being a door mat today. Iím not sure how happy I am right now that I have not gone to the medicine cabinet. But I think if I sit here and keep writing, it will be easier to put on some clothes and go out of the house. Did I mention that my birthday is the 25th, and today is the 21st? ha ha ha, Happy Birthday to ME
I fell in love with a married alcoholic, and I hurt so much right now. I'm so angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I have never loved another man to the degree that I love this Married Alcoholic that has told me that I'm an option. This is what I have allowed myself to become, no more than a cum drop site for this man. I'm a middle aged women and I never loved another, like I love this man.
I have read the other post before writing mine, and every one speaks on how the pain will get easier. Right now it just does not seem like it.
At my age, how could I have been so blind? The other post seemed to be written by much younger women, who have not experienced life. How will I ever be able to love another man, whole heartedly? I canít trust my feeling. How will I ever heal from this? I donít want to be alone for the rest of my life, but trust? I want something real, I want a real connection. But what does it look like? What I had with Scoota was only real for me.
I think I feel a little better now. I have gotten a lot out here. I do not want to sound like a pity party, but Iím angry and hurt and I want to feel loved and special, like I matter. Like the idea of someone being gifted with my love makes them feel important, important enough to have me be more than just an option to them

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Dec 24, 2007 11:54 # 45330

Hawkeye *** replies...

Re: Why can't I let go...........?

?% | 1

Love is a drug and unfortunately one of the most addictive drugs there are known to man. The more I hear of such stories, the more I'm convinced of it: Everyone is chronically depressed and the ones who receive any sort of positive input rather than negative is so rare that people cling to it like glue because for once, it's a voice contrary to the tune they're so used to.

Love would be a wonderful and fastastic thing if people weren't so self-centered. Often love is a one-way mirror, in which the victim thinks he/she sees what would be returned affection. In reality, a person would want sex, or worse, the power of being able to manipulate a person by pretending to give positive feedback and attention to someone who desperately needs it.

You're merely a victim of one of these schmucks. Don't even rationalize it in another way. However good a man he is, he's 10 times worse for what he has done to you. Most times, people in love are so blinded that even their ability to judge character is severely impaired. I doubt he is even a good man as you say. He sounds rather like a loser who wanted an outlet for sex when his wife would wise up and treat him like the scum he is.

Don't beat yourself up over that guy. Don't even give it a second's more thought. Why should you suffer for a guy like that? What did he do to deserve such martyrdom?

I know it's a line, but things will improve. You're suffering withdrawal of this horrible horrible drug. One day, you'll be toasting to your freedom from the insufferable dependence you place in others who abuse it. Try to enjoy yourself this christmas with good friends and family, and for the love of god, keep up your guard before falling in love with someone else.

If the world should blow itself up,the last audible voice would be an expert saying it can't be done

Dec 24, 2007 13:16 # 45332

Yuli ** replies...

Re: Why can't I let go...........?

?% | 1

Hawkeye,
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Your post was filled with compassion, and again I thank you for that. You wrote "Why should you suffer for a guy like that? What did he do to deserve such martyrdom?" - These are very good questions, thank you for giving me another angle to look at this from. As you can imagine, a situation like this is hard to deal with because who can the other women talk to? The women who became the third person, No one wants to hear her pain, because she was not supposed to be there. However these things happen all of the time, and the pain is so great. The reason being, no one is able to judge a person as harshly as we judge ourselves. If left to our own thoughts long enough, we would have our selves tar and feathered.
I'm going one hour at a time, and not trying to think past what I have to do at that moment. It's been 3 days, with an average of 5 calls from him. I've been able to let them go to the voicemail, but not strong enough to just delete them without listening to them. His messages are not important; he sounds like a very confused man. If he is half as confused as he has left me, then he has some real mess going on in his head =).
I know that I can get through the next hour, and I will focus on that. I will take care of my business and take the ham out of the freezer. I live in Washington, DC and there is always something to do.

First things first, easy do it and one day at a time.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."

This post was edited by Yuli on Dec 24, 2007.

Dec 27, 2007 21:32 # 45336

Hawkeye *** replies...

Re: Why can't I let go...........?

?% | 1

I wish I could say I could sympathize with your situation, but you know as well as I do that I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. It's a lot of talk here on the forum, but the true valiant act is the one you make.

All I know is that the pain will dull. Soon the hours will turn into days, and days into weeks, and weeks into months. It's within your power to leave him, and from what you say, it seems you're actually doing it. Just remember that it is the easier thing to give in.

Judge yourself harshly, but surely you don't want to go through life hating yourself for who you are. There's no point. Life is too short. Being critical of oneself works on people who need motivation to improve themselves. For most, they get enough criticism and already judge themselves so harshly that they hate themselves, which defeats the entire point. Being egotistical and self-centered is bad, but the opposite is just as bad if not worse.

Good luck. I hope you'll stick around on Netalive. We don't bite once you get to know us. Well, not much. ;)

If the world should blow itself up,the last audible voice would be an expert saying it can't be done

Nov 05, 2009 23:51 # 46577

Moi * replies...

Re: Why can't I let go...........?

?% | 1

Wow. Your text completely spoke to me because I too am trying desperately to let go of someone who... well, who isn't good for me.

It is like a drug.

I think I am going to do a 12 step program! Will let you know how it goes.


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