Reading null's journal

Jan 16, 2008 09:42 # 45366

null tells about...

Two months later

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I'm 30.
It's early in the morning and I'm passing the nearby mini-lake on my way to work, my car stereo wrapping the Toasters' Run Rudy Run around my ears. A warm wind locally known as Föhn blows over the mini-lake and produces waves that glisten in the twilight. The car in front of mine is my flatmate's Golf, and judging by her slight zigzagging and not reacting to my flashing my lights, Anke too hasn't slept much last night.
I'm the first at the office, picking up a misdirected fax and forwarding it to the intended recipient while my PC is booting up. The day may begin.
Three months from now I'll be back at school, in addition to my regular work pensum. Constant training is important in my line of business, and the following six semesters will work wonders for my career options even though I don't currently want to quit the job I have. I have a plan, and it seems to come together.

I'm 21.
Last night I've slept at my new girlfriend's place. Whereas 'slept' is technically incorrect; as luck would have it, she's a nurse and currently on early shift, which means I get up early too. It goes without saying that as the relationship is still very young, having to get up early doesn't necessarily mean that we go to bed early to make up for it, and even if we manage to go to bed early, we're not exactly sleeping right away.
She's 21 years old and a goddess. I know that you should never tell a woman that you worship her, even if it's true, but sometimes I can't help it.
At first I was a bit worried about the age difference, but so far the only effect is that she makes me feel younger and (albeit implicitly) encourages me to act accordingly. I get along well both with her and her friends, and instead of grimacing at my random silly ideas, she says things such as "cool!" or "hey, let's do that!". The sex is galactic. The other day we did it three times, and every time was longer and better than the previous one. I didn't even know I could still do that.
Also, she can professionally bandage a sprained finger with just sticky tape in the very hypothetical case that, uhm, somebody decided to run down a ski jump on a mini-sledge to see what's behind it.

I'm 18.
Or whatever age you need to be in order to drag a friend to a concert/party called "Ska is dead" with six top Ska bands playing for a total of almost seven hours (though with short breaks inbetween the bands). My business shoes did not survive the meat grinder that was the second row and I think my back's still a bit black&blue, but all in all it was worth it.
Though, it's gotta be said, the world might not yet be entirely ready for what the Japanese think is Ska.

I'm 15.
Well, I was 15 a couple weeks ago, and so was she. The first two weeks were almost like the very first love all over again. Holding on to nothing but your new relationship and letting go of everything else is dangerous, but it was worth the risk and as you can see it worked.
Also, as far as it concerns my new-found love, I have no plans whatsoever. I mean, what can I plan for: moving in together? Having a baby? Marriage? For the time being she'll live with her parents, she wants to get pregnant in six years, and before I marry again I need to get divorced first.
(Besides the obvious problem that it'd be way too early for all of this anyway.)
So I just plod along in the great pool of random things that life throws at me, with no particular direction nor the need for one. Though there's always time to stop and sniff the flowers... figuratively speaking of course as it's still winter.

I'm 40.
Sometimes I feel older than my friends of the same age. My coworkers of 42 resp. 52 years and I get along well and talk about rock stars that most other people of my age are too young to remember. We agree that Brian May would have deserved a large share of the fame that Freddie Mercury used to bathe in, and even after 2 hours with the finest DJs from London, Dave Pike's 1969 single Mathar is still the grooviest thing ever produced.
Also, I'm balding. I blame my genes and there's probably not a lot I can do, but at least I'm not gonna grow my hair and comb it all over the bald spot.

I'm me.
But in reality, age is just a number. On paper I'm 30, but for the first time in years I'm really aware that I'm really always as old as I'm feeling at any given moment. It's me who defines my age and not the other way round. I'm surrounded by wonderful, lovable and cool people aged 21 to 58, and I really don't care a lot about their age. Nor should I, or they, care a lot about mine. So the next time you're at a friend's 40th birthday and see a young guy who could be your son, or some old fart who looks twice your age smashes into you in the mosh pit at the Marilyn Manson concert, feel free to come up to me and say hi. You might even score a couple free beers.

This is me, and this is my life as I intend to live it. Fuck numbers.

When life hands you a lemon, that's 40% of your RDA of vitamin C taken care of.

This post was edited by null on Jan 16, 2008.

Jan 16, 2008 18:10 # 45378

andromacha *** replies...

Re: Two months later

Bravo! I like your attitude, Bernie, dear! I enjoyed reading your post, even though I'll admit that at first I was thinking "What the hell is he saying?!", then I went on reading and the concept was finally clear.

I hope that you can finally get the chance to take your revenge on life, and take all the beautiful things you deserve from it. First time it didn't go very well, but I am sure that the second time will be the right one.

I guess that not planning at the moment is important, also for what concerns your relationship. Afterall you haven't dated this girl for too long yet, but I think that with time you'll find yourself planning a future that involves again more than just the variable Bernie. You just have to be patient, my friend.

Like I said some time ago, put the past behind your back (this will surely be easier when you finally sign the damn divorce paper), and start fresh. You got a second chance :)

Italy no longer accepts illegal immigrants. Mr. B sink their boats!!!!!!!

Jan 17, 2008 00:05 # 45380

ginsterbusch *** replies...

Re: Two months later

Well .. .. aw fuck, dont know the english phrase for this, so lets get back to good old German: "Alter Sack!" ;)

.. das Haarproblem habe ich nicht, ich sehe meinem Vater nämlich verdammt ähnlich - er ist nun schon 56 und noch kein Zeichen von Haarausfall ;)

last sentence in english: I dont have this problem with my hair, because I look shockingly like my father - he's 56 by now and still no sign of balding hair ;)

cu, w0lf.

beards are cool. every villain has one!

Mar 08, 2008 01:48 # 45512

harold_maude *** replies...

Re: Two months later

?% | 1

Let the stadium stand up and give you an ovation.
It's amazing thing to realize that you are who you are and ages will come and dance with you and it really is ok to dance back.

I think the secret to being free from the physical age thing is to realize that who you are inside is the real and it's just the house that responds to the outside enviorment.
It's only when people get caught up in thinking it's a bad thing that time causes their bodies to do something besides look well oiled and tan all the time (an american obsession), that they do some crazy type things to preserve the house that ends up not being so straight after a long, long time.

I've met people who are 15 to 20 years younger than me and they look that much older than me.
I wonder about how much fear they live with every day or what they do when they look in the mirror.

I will celebrate 50 years on the planet this october. I don't look 50. I've been told everything from late 20's to mid 30's.
The reaction I get is always priceless when I tell them how many years I've been in this body. It cracks me up when they looked that shocked.
I've come to the conclusion that how young I am inside affects the house and will continue to do so as long as I refuse to give up being free inside the house so to speak.

I'm glad that you are with someone who makes you this happy.
By the way, every woman needs to hear that they are a goddess in their lovers eyes, every so often. It makes us sparkle.
It's along the same line as what a dozen roses do or a surprise of breakfast in bed or something completely out of the blue.
It really does.

By the way, I hope your bruses have healed up completely by now.
Sounds like you had a blast and the bruses were completely worth it.

Mar 11, 2008 11:53 # 45537

null agrees...

Re: Two months later

?% | 1

By the way, every woman needs to hear that they are a goddess in their lovers eyes, every so often. It makes us sparkle.

You're of course right. But the problem is, once a woman is aware that she has the upper hand in a relationship and the man can always be brought to her bidding, the man loses much of his appeal. Hence I think one of the many many secrets to a successful long-term relationship is to worship her without her knowing.

Which brings us to...

a dozen roses do or a surprise of breakfast in bed or something completely out of the blue.

She gets fresh orange juice and warm croissants delivered to her half of the bed every Sunday morning, and flowers / a card / a fleecy/pink little something about once a month for no apparent reason. So far she says she's happy with me :-)

As for getting older, congratulations on both your birthday and your attitude! It's refreshing to read your thoughts on that topic. If more people thought like you we wouldn't have so many anorexic girls who kill themselves in order to look like Britney, Christina, Victoria or whatever other substitutable bimbo floozie the entertainment industry chooses to thrill us with this month... or quite generally less people who hate themselves for one stupid reason or the other.
So three cheers for childish grown-ups who refuse to fit the norm!

When life hands you a lemon, that's 40% of your RDA of vitamin C taken care of.

Mar 10, 2008 16:55 # 45524

ginsterbusch *** can sympathize...

Re: Two months later

?% | 1

This is me, and this is my life as I intend to live it. Fuck numbers.

Remember: Age doesnt count. Its the guy/gal inside that really matters ;)

I dont feel like 27 most of the time, maybe 22 - 23 or so. But I have to make decisions that dont seem fit for a 27 year old guy so I guess I sometimes get the "I'm too old for this"-feeling, too.

Yesterday, the father of my beloved one celebrated his birthday (sadly? a bit too much .. drinking alcohol if you're not used to, especially 2/3 of a bottle of Absolut Wodka aint for the soft-hearted) and told me he sometimes feels he's "a thousand years old" or maybe "he's born 1000 years too late" (probably translation problems mixed in, too; Russian <=> German).

Well, I guess he's right. I sometimes fell this (last option given) way, too.

On saturday night, I felt just right. Drinking not too much, feeling just a bit light-headed, mostly talking, sometimes headbanging .. I surely missed that 8)

cu, w0lf.

beards are cool. every villain has one!

This post was edited by ginsterbusch on Mar 10, 2008.


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