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I wanted to compose a prose for this post. It's about 2 years since I posted Re: meeting people. Part One: Chicks to this long-term missive. I wanted to talk about the what it's like as a bi- guy to meet, hook-up with men.
Originally, it would have been that. But in 2 years, things have changed. I've met many more guys than females.
Dan Savage has a weekly column he posts, on the stranger.com. Great reading, his columns appear in our local Advocate. 26 Feb 09 he posted the following reader's letter:
Men Are Cute Hot Objects. In which, M.A.C.H.O. is at, basically, a straight bar, not hooking-up with guys, but he wants to. The problem is that he doesn't know how to meet straight guys in their natural setting.
The post that follows is my reply letter to him. I've gone with this as my post because it really does define and describe my experiences meeting guys.
This writer, MACHO, postulates while at a heavy metal show, that 98% of the guys there are straight. Therefore he wouldn't have a chance to "hook-up" with any of them.
In your reply, you present to the readers the challenge of finding that magical phrase that will uncover if a guy is gay; somewhat along the lines of ďAre you a friend of Bill Wís?Ē
In your response to this reader, you have done a disservice to us by missing the greater picture, the real issue at the quick.
By positing: (A) that there might be one unified question, or knowledge that is universal to all fags; (B) that any magic question alone, like Dorothy clicking her heels, could transform us to Oz of a cute guy's bedroom; (C) that there is only a gay, or straight, solution to a problem such as MACHO's; (D) there is knowledge exclusive to "gays", or not know to "straights"; then you have done your readers a disservice. It shows myopic reasoning on your part.
The Central flaw in your faulty reply stems from a simple premise: that there exists either straight men, or the 10% that is homosexual. By believing this nonsense, you will, in fact, miss 98% of the opportunities that life throws your way.
The fact is this: around 20% of guys are actually gay, around 20% of guys are truly straight. The other 60%, the rest of us, are bisexual. I am bisexual: Iíve known that I am a 5 on the Kinsey Scale.
Simply put, the Kinsey Scale, named after noted sexual anthropologist Alfred Kinsey, says that all humans fall on a scale of sexuality. A 1 on the scale is absolutely straight, and a 10 is absolutely gay.
I find interesting things happen when I bring-up this topic in conversation. I find that both true-gays (9/10 on the scale), and true-straights (1/2 on the scale) refuse to accept that there even is a scale; much less that there is a relative ranking to gayness, and homosexuality. It seems the prevailing logic is that "if you've sucked a cock, you are gay."
To weed-out the people Iím looking for, my obvious "universal question" is: do you believe that a guy can be bi?
I've said repeatedly that I've had sex with more married guys than both gay men and females combined. We know that guys can be, and are bi.
My experience has taught me that straight guys are either single, or divorced--usually multiple times.
One of the question I use to find a guys is: are you married, and for how long?
By thinking that there might be a "universal question" really misses the point.
If we look at the A.A. model, we find that all A.A.'ers are taught that they are identical, and that the program works because you do not suffer from "terminal uniqueness."
Gays might follow the stereotypic creed of: Musicals, fashion, Liza, or what have you, but we bisexuals don't, generally. Were we to have that secret knowledge, like the marriage-thing, earlier mentioned, the fact still remains that there is neither a definitive question, nor should there be.
By advocating that there might be, there should be, or to wish that there cold be, Dorothy, you will miss those opportunities, because a solid "no", or "yes" rarely makes-or-breaks a meeting.
Point of fact, you are looking to start a conversation, and as such, you would ask open-ended questions, designed to further the topic.
Ok, this is Hook-Up 101. I understand, but this moves us to the next issue.
Perhaps we shouldn't consider one magic question, but rather a golden equation. Letís take the marriage question, which Iíve first defined as my litmus test for bisexuality. By asking if, and for how long oneís been married, the next question would be: are you happily married?
Ultimately Iím convinced that there is not one particular question that will cover all manner of ďgays.Ē First off, just because one sucked a cock doesnít mean heís gay, this person, such as myself, might not know about, or accept any of the styereotypes, which you seem to be content spreading, and perhaps hiding behind.
By thinking that there exists purely 2 camps: our 10%, and then the rest of the world, you shut yourself off from the reality of life, of creation, and of many interesting opportunities. When you start thinking of the male population as being 60% available, you have a major shift in perspective, and see that perhaps there is a world at play that you just need to find the right equation to plug into.
Part of the advice, the reply that MACHO should have been given is that if heís looking for gay men, he should go where gay men go, then your stereootypical questions will work: tell me something about musicals, Broadway, etc. However, if you go to a ďstraight barĒ environment, you have to be looking for a bi guy, period.
See the thing is, if all you know is about the stereotypical gay stuff, then youíve severely limited yourself in your ability to get non-gay guys. Iím at a straight bar, and Iím willing to go with another guy, if you can engage me in the right conversation, and ask that right ďmagicĒ question.
But what is that question?
One of the reasons that there can be no universal question, or phrase to all gays would know, is because not all gays are the same. In fact, by considering that all men who might want to have something to do with another manís penis, or other bodyparts, are the same and would have been exposed to, or who would have exposed themselves to similar knowledge, you do yourself an injustice.
Take myself for an example. Iím ďstraight appearing,Ē ďstraight-acting,Ē masculine, and strangers never expect that Iím not straight. Thereís not much that I wonít do with a guy, and have done all manner of things. But itís a mistake to call me gay. I donít know anything about stereotypical gay stuff, with the exception of antiquesóand thatís cause my dad sells them.
Iím not gay because Iím not allergic to vagina.
Physically I can have sex with a woman. Gay men do NOT have sex with females, itís disgusting to them. One of my favorite questions to determine a level of gayness is this question: are you into vagina, will you go down on her?
Itís not the answer, as such, that Iím looking for. Itís the attitude, with which he answers. If he sounds a little annoyed, distracted, uninterested, bored by the question, thatís a good sign.
If he starts talking about his girlfriend, her body, boobs, etc, and keeps going along those lines, maybe heís not your pick.
Letís go back to my premise that there is no magic question, only a golden equation. Not necessarily in the order of importance: one variable of this equation involves using open-ended questions. The next variable involves asking a two-part question. The next variable is ask about female body parts, then gauge the reaction. The last variable will have to take into consideration the place, or venue at which one is.
Because this show was at a heavy metal show/bar, you have to find relavent, common ground, otherwise itís a futile attempt to start with. Assumedly, if youíre at that type of event, youíre going to be interested in it to start with.
In the case of this particular writer, that one, magical question, if it exists at all, could only be the following: You like Judas Priest, what do you think of Halford?
Now, if the writer doesnít know who Judas Priest is, at the very least, heís DEFINITELY in the wrong place, and he should hang-out where fags hang-out.
Let's assume for conversation's sake, assume heís done some research. He is familiar with the heavy metal band Judas Priest.
Why is that question, reference to this band the only question? It is because Rob Halford, lead singer of JP is now out of the closet. Halford is openly gay.
So while there is no universal question for all gays, the fact remains that any knowledge is situational. Not all people expose themselves to the same things. However, if youíre looking for a member of a particular group, a little research could help out.
Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag