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I guess, this could be a confession of some sorts. What I'm doing and about to do, is by very few standards - okay.
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. I pretty sure he's the most amazing guy I've met. I don't think finding someone with a beautiful soul is easy, and I met him. We get along amazingly well too, we could even be seen as the 'aaawww' couple. I am in love with him.
However, recently I've been feeling edgy, stuck, I don't like where I am at the moment. Along with the stress of university final year and work and my parents, the fact that my parents still don't know about my boyfriend, what I'm going to do with my life, coupled up with the fact that I haven't been able to sleep too well is driving me insane. It's obvious I'm in this "lost/confused" state and I don't doubt that at some point, I'll have it all figured out. But for the time being....
I feel like getting lost, turning the world off or being in a place where there isn't anyone I know. Where there are no moral/cultural/traditional obligations.
I am not someone who actively goes out looking for men (when I was single or otherwise). However, I'm not opposed to flirting and the occasion hook up. Recently I was at a party where (I had no intention of doing anything 'wrong') I saw a bartender who I always thought looked like he could be a young member of the Rolling Stones. And I was drunk.. oh.. soooo drunk.. I didn't mean to get his number, I didn't mean to flirt. I didn't mean to kiss him. I really had no intention. But it happened.
He knows I have a boyfriend, he knows it would be a one night thing. And if I didn't have his number I would never have thought twice and forgotten all about it, blaming my lack of morality on the shots of vodka and tequila I had that night.
But I have his number.
And I want to call him, I want for one night - the world to turn off. For everything not to be so strict with rules of mutual exclusivity.
Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend, this is just a flesh thing.
But he doesn't know.
I won't tell him.
If he knew he would break up with me in an instant. But we have a good thing going, why ruin it? I have been an amazing girlfriend to him so far. But this is my guilty pleasure.
If I don't do it, it will be stuck in my system and I'll feel frustrated.
If I do do it, I have to live with myself.
Yes, I've thought about breaking it off with my boy, he doesn't deserve this. But... we do love each other, and we have a good thing going... so why ruin that?
This is just a flesh thing.