Reading Love and Lifesense

Nov 28, 2010 04:20 # 46907

LiveLiveMusic ** isn't happy...

Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...for go

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I was dumped(again)via text this time: "sorry i didn't get by to talk; and i don't want to ruin your mrng; know that our purposes n paths are not the same, matters how much i want them to be; i ask 4 your forgiveness in my part of making you sin"

PAST: We dated in college;my overprotective parents broke us up (I'm an only child). This man is my first/only love. Believe it or not he is the only man I "know". Years later he found me. We start to catch up. His texts,emails,calls are sporadic. He vanishes. Out of nowhere he sends a very racy pic of himself and asks if I remember this. Appalled and shocked I don't reply. He vanishes...again. This cycle continues for years. He'd find me again, the sporadic calls,texts, emails would commence then he'd vanish again.

PRESENT: This time he found me (years later)I was like: "Now just what the hell kind of game are you playing here?!" I had become familiar with being alone, working singing and playing my music. I was getting to know me. I have never been married. I have no children and I have never been pregnant. I was engaged but my ex-fiance, while promising to "wait" until we were married was bedding girlie in another town. Vulneralbility, lonliness, naive-ness and just lack of good sense..I agreed to meet first love. Somehow texts, emails, and calls were "safe".

He looked amazing! He told me he never stopped loving me, I should be his wife and the mother of his children. He told me he and his wife are cohabitants (wait...wife?!?) This is the way he told me he was married. He said they married due to her getting pregnant. This is his 3rd marriage. The first was annulled. He said wife doesn't show him love, doesn't love on him, doesn't lift him up, doesn't encourage his dreams, etc. He said they live separate lives. He said they're not intimate and haven't been for years. He said they've separated...again. Then he told me he filed for divorce...again. He said he moved out. I fell.

For 5 months it was gifts, surprises, coming to my job, motivational texts "Happy Birthday", "Good morning beautiful" texts, "I love you and I'm not playing you", "You have my heart", "No, we're not just kicking it", "Who is that guy?" "Why is he texting you?" "I'm loving on you" up/down> let's stop/let's not> vanish/reappear> christian/non-christian> back/forth> happy/sad> in/out>... I was back in college. I allowed all those feelings to re-surface be it negative or positive. I'm in love with him. I love him.

He would drop hand grenades in my lap(i.e. I don't want anymore children; I will never re-marry; I'm a minister)then in the same breath ask am I ok and then say I want to see you. I told him that we needed to talk in person. He completely ignored me. He never acknowledged my request.

We saw each other on the 10th. It was darn near perfect! On the 11th his property was vandalized. He informed me about it and was extremely angry. He was scouring the area trying to find the culprit. He was alone. I expressed my concern and suggested he take back up. He has a temper and thinks he's invincible. He assured me he was ok and told me to get some sleep (I'm a worry wart).He keeps me posted. Apparently forgetting what he has told me (that he's moved out) he says the vandals came in his backyard near his daughter's bedroom window(lie #10K?). On the 12th he tells me he found the culprit. He then tells me his pastor wants to meet with him due to finding out what he has done. On the 13th he texts to me: "I'm not ok, need to talk face to face." I'm relieved. Finally, I get to end this. The guilt, back/forth, up/down has taken it's toll on me. I now take Hypertension medication. Me? What tha?? I immediately ask when can we talk. I want to get this over with ASAP. He doesn't respond. On Nov. 15th at 0831 he dumps me (again)via text this time.

Livid, used, exploited, manipulated, scum, skank, depressed, plotted against, laughed at, humiliated, trash, non-entity, happy, relieved, sad, made fun of, low self-esteem...I'm there. All at the same time: As sick as it is: Is this truly over? Will I really never hear from him again? Was all this just plot/ploy/lies to get the ultimate? Will I sing again? Will I play again? Why did he do this to me? What did he gain? He's gotten away with it. He's plotted against me for years and he's won. He has my virginity and now my soul. He's over there content, with wife and family laughing it up, living life. He hasn't lost one moment's sleep. Meanwhile, I'm a wreck, trying to fathom what just happened. What did I just do? I was "sick" for 5 months. How do I recover? How do I hold my head up again? How do I pick up the pieces of my life for good this time? Help! I can't talk to one living soul about this!

This post was edited by LiveLiveMusic on Nov 28, 2010.

Nov 29, 2010 01:05 # 46909

Bunk *** throws in his two cents...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

How do I recover? How do I hold my head up again? How do I pick up the pieces of my life for good this time? Help! I can't talk to one living soul about this!

Seems like you've found honesty about yourself and your situation.

Next step: imagine that he no longer exists, and carry on. He doesn't sound worth another second of your life.

That's my two cents.

"History is more or less bunk." - Henry Ford

Nov 29, 2010 03:01 # 46913

LiveLiveMusic ** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

What do you mean? Because of our history I am still pining over this creep. Is that what you mean by "found honesty about myself and my situation"?

I'm trying to pretend he's "dead" but it hasn't starting working yet. I'm at the first stage of bereavement: DENIAL

thx! :)

Nov 30, 2010 05:15 # 46916

Elinvar * replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

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Somehow I donít think that him and his family are ďlaughing it upĒ at your expense; They split up didnít they?

You established quite clearly that he communicates sporadically, often contradicting his previous statements, and periodically lying. Small wonder that this guy has apparently had three marriages go sour!

While I certainly cannot claim to be an expert, it seems from your description that he lacks self consistent thought patterns, has trouble committing, or may not be able to relate to people normally. He may have bipolar or mood disorder, perhaps even multiple personality syndrome.
Once again though, I donít have the expertise diagnose anything in an official capacity.

I donít think that won anything; having left you he must be as lonely as I assume he was before.

I donít think that youíve lost much either. Men generally try to louse their virginity as soon as possible. Itís given far more importance for women than it warrants because of outdated dogma. As far as lousing your soul, he can only have that as long as you tie yourself to him.

Thusly, you should try to get over him as soon as possible. He obviously isnít worth any more of your time or emotion. Easier said than done I know. I find that I can sort most of my problems out if I take a few hours to lie down and do nothing save think; sort through your problems mentally. If youíre like me youíll have to make an effort to keep your mind from wondering off topic. I always feel much better after Iíve thought everything through like this.

Finally, one last piece of advice that you probably donít need: the worst thing you can do now is to reconnect with him. Heís lied to you before, he will again. If he tries to contact you again, refuse him, and donít meet him personally.

Ultimately, your judgment will serve as the best tool you have.

Good luck.

I welcome questions.

Nov 30, 2010 06:05 # 46917

LiveLiveMusic ** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

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Thank you so much "Elinvar"! I majored in Child & Developmental Psych., you'd think I'd have a little more insight on this.

I don't know WHAT to believe in terms of him being broken up with wife 3. At this point I'm starting to question if his name is really what he's told me. Since I caught him in the lie about the vandals being in his backyard near his daughter's bedroom window(meaning he was not moved out)I'd assume not. I did look him up on my county's public record site but he's so good he probably hacked into it.

I am trying to get over him and move on. Yes, it is very hard...especially now. I've had this man in my system since I was a freshman in college! I'm starting to come into my own again, I'm healing, a path has opened, I'm about to march forward and....BAM!!!!! He sends me a text today!!! Now (bad word) (bad word), what in the world is REALLY going on here!?! In the text is a picture of him with a broken arm and it reads: Just left ____ hospital, pray your Thanksgiving went well...

I told him he had a hairline fracture months ago. He's just now going to the hospital? I'm so very confused. I'm livid! Who does he think he is? Why is he contacting me like it's all good? BTW: Wedding band is very vivid on the picture.

Have you ever seen the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez? It's about her trying to get away from her very abusive husband. She had to go so far as to get trained on how to fight back and kill if she had to. Unfortunately, she had to. The trainer was training her on what to do when her husband got the best of her and she's lying down on the ground flat on her back. The trainer says: "He's got you where he wants you, he thinks he's won, and as sure as he's a coward he will try and kick you".

My xdude is that coward! As sure as he thinks he's won and has me "on the floor flat on my back" he's come to try and "kick" me....again.

Nov 30, 2010 15:52 # 46919

Bunk *** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

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Is that what you mean by "found honesty about myself and my situation"?

What I mean is that this guy, from what you've said, is a serial deceiver and manipulator, and that he was trying to manipulate and control you - because he's emotionally weak, or domineering, or indecisive, or irresponsible, or for what ever reason. You seem fully aware of that fact now, and I think that's a good thing. Your assessments of him and the negative effect that he has on your life are brutally honest, and I think that puts you in a good position to outgrow it all and move on.

"History is more or less bunk." - Henry Ford

Dec 02, 2010 11:00 # 46931

zen *** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

After reading your post, the story on this guy, I only have one question: why are you still entertaining any conversation with this guy?
He's your first love, I can understand that, but what does that mean at this point? And how does someone like that get so far into your mental space that he can occupy so much of your time and mind?

I'm starting to understand more and more that the way to a woman's heart really is to treat her like crap.

There's so many good men out there, but women are continually complaining that "this guy treats me like crap," or "I hate being in this situation," only to go back to the guy, talk to him, entertain contact in some way.
If you want to pick-up the pieces in you life you can. It's easy. Don't do what you've been doing.
But sadly, I think you are just one of the millions of women who prefer you misery over a meaning in your life. Somehow, I think the drama makes you feel alive, or something.

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag

Dec 02, 2010 16:49 # 46935

null agrees...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

^^ That's the drama of life.

When life hands you a lemon, that's 40% of your RDA of vitamin C taken care of.

This post was edited by null on Dec 02, 2010.

Dec 02, 2010 20:09 # 46938

zen *** replies...

Picking up the pieces

I like that link, I think it's on the money.

Or, put another way:
I'm totally available...just not for you.

Men are encumbered by the need to make sense of what the woman's saying, or thinking. Not that men always make sense, just that I can usually follow along with the logic, even if I disagree with the result.
Of course, not that women never make sense; but how do I say it--it seems "the bullshit center" of the brain is the biggest part (usually where either men or shoes are concerned). Put another way, how does one hold two, or more, contradictory views, insisting that both are equally correct?

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag

Dec 02, 2010 20:44 # 46941

LiveLiveMusic ** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

Zen,

I HAVE NOT entertained any communication with him. HE dumped ME via text, I didn't reply. Time passes and he texts me again after dumping me. I did not reply. I have not and will not reply to him. Hence the utter confusion on my face.

I simply want to know what he want from me...my soul or something?! Unfortunately, I may never know. He dumps me, then..contacts me...vanishes..contacts...dump. What IS that? I absolutely in no way, shape or form gave him any indication of any window of communication. I can't even give this man a good old fashioned CUSS OUT (which I will not) because in his small mind he will think, that this is a window for dialogue.

Quite the contrary, this situation and what he has done to me has made me feel dead inside, but Lazarus is awakening. And NO! Speaking for MYSELF only, I do not like being treated like crap at all. I pray I don't die alone, but if that's what it takes in order NOT to be treated 100% then....oh well.

Dec 02, 2010 20:52 # 46943

zen *** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

Well, maybe this might help.
next text reply like this:
"STOP TEXTING ME."

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag

Dec 02, 2010 23:18 # 46944

LiveLiveMusic ** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

That's opening up a window in his world. Right? I was told my silence is speaking more volume than I realize and eventually he'll get the message.

Dec 02, 2010 23:29 # 46945

zen *** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

Yeah...
well, so far that plan hasn't worked, as you've detailed above.
If you want more of what you've been getting, just keep doing what you've been doing.

Maybe in a few miserable years he might "take the hint."
But see, this is something else I don't get about women--why are they always hinting? Why can't they be direct?

..and don't tell me it's cause you'd be opening up some window into his world, cause that's not true.
Your silence only shows tacit approval.

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag

Dec 03, 2010 03:26 # 46946

jael *** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

92% | 2

Okay..

i kinda just skimmed through what you wrote.

What are the reasons and excuses that you may have what you feel, I'm sure are fairly legitimate.

Livid, used, exploited, manipulated, scum, skank, depressed, plotted against, laughed at, humiliated, trash, non-entity, happy, relieved, sad, made fun of, low self-esteem...I'm there. All at the same time: As sick as it is: Is this truly over?

Sure sure sure.. yes yes yes..

I dont mean to make fun of you. You have to understand, our board and forum gets waaay too many love relationship posts. And from newbies coming in, this is usually where it goes.
so you have to understand, the small community of regulars are slightly less forgiving.

More so, I too fell for a guy who treated my like shit. My friends told me to leave him.. blah blah.. you know the deal

BUT

YOU DO have the choice to leave.
YOU have the choice
YOU have A CHOICE!!!

I cannot stress this enough.
I never claim for this to be easy, its hard its shitty and painful.

But for god's sake woman. Stop acting all battered and emotional.
And take some responsibility that you choose to engage him and his interactions with you as well.

You want him in your life as much as he wants you in his, regardless of whether it be romance or arguments. THERE IS ENGAGEMENT between you two.

if you want to stop

like zen said.

STOP THE INTERACTIONS.
And yes, you've done a good job by not saying a word to him.

But you still allow him to live in your head, so even if your not engaging with him on a personal level.
YOu still speak of him here.

So my question is..

if you really wanted to let him go..
why the f*ck are you talking about him? You havent let him go in the least, you're feelings have just changed from one to another. BUt there are still feelings for him.

If you just want to vent, we have our personal journals in this forum, where we vent and just voice our lives.
A few people do read it and may reply if they choose to.

But you posting it up in the love forum and asking for advice,
then you have to be open to criticism.

If he is trash, treat him like it and throw him out.

Then go and wash your hands. And breathe.

*insert something profound/witty/humorous here*

This post was edited by jael on Dec 03, 2010.

Dec 04, 2010 07:09 # 46957

LiveLiveMusic ** replies...

Re: Help! I want to TRULY move on...pick up the pieces of my life...fo

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Wow...in other words...wrong forum??? My bad. "Love and Lifesense" vs. "Journal" hmmmm. Guess my entry was the one that sent you over.

How'd you IMMEDIATELY heed to your friends' advice to leave guy that treated you like poop? What was it like to INSTANTLY stop thinking of him, throwing him away as the trash he is, and *sigh* breathing?

You didn't mean to make fun of me? Et tu?

Dec 04, 2010 08:03 # 46958

jael *** can sympathize...

Breathe easy.

Alright, I'll explain it better to you. I wasnt making fun of you at all. But I've heard what you and many other women have to say more than a thousand times.

I mentioned, we get love and lifesense stuff, waay too much. Check the forum backlogs and see how many have been rated down.

Also I have personally experienced it. At one point every woman (and man) does.

Now the guy dicked around with you. I realise that. Truly do. And I sympathise with you there.

I understand, that must've been shit.

BUT!

If he told you i love you, you have my heart.. etc
And then said I dont want kids, no marriage, am a minister.

Where was your head?

He's reeling you in, and then not making the commitment.
Whats the saying?
I'll have my cake and eat it too.

I understand that you want sympathy right now, you've been taken for granted and exploited. For this AGAIN i rephrase.

I sympathise with you. I really truly do.

However,
It takes two to tango.

Trust me when I say I was in a stupid one sided relationship with a guy for a year. Until I had my.. 'What the fuck are you doing moment?'
I kept him in my head, I fantasized about him, I wanted him to be there even though I knew for a fact that was never going to happen. My feelings changed from love, to want to hate to a myriad of other things. But they were still feelings. Now, I dont feel anything for him.

You see, when a guy wants you.
I know this much. He'll fucking go after you until you push him away. And Neko(my boyfriend now), ran after me and wouldn't let me go and I fell in love with him.

As I mentioned in the post before,
Its not easy to get over it, but you have to make the choice of whether or not you want to engage him.

Dont engage him, do what you need to do.
Move on with your life. And be selfish and give yourself credit.

If a guy isnt giving you want you want.
Then leave.
Your wants first.
Always.

Dont think.. "oh, one day he might want it"
Trust me when I say this. When a man wants something, he goes after it. He just wanted sex/comfort from you. And now that its inconvenient for him, he's leaving.

The text that he sent you was stupid and awful and he's a fucking wanker for sending it to you. That should have been you're "HELLO!! WAKE THE FUCK UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE" moment.

Shit happens sweetheart. Shit happens.
We have to move on.
Bury yourself in work, read, run, paint, write, do what ever you need to do to take your mind of him. Watch a butt load of silly pointless TV or watch documentaries, whatever floats your boat. Sing ... (badly even) off the top of your lungs, get audio books and listen.
Anything!

So you had a bad experience. It's okay.
You know better now.

I also said, you've done a good job in not replying to his texts.
Keep it up.
leave him completely. Delete his number.
He'll get the message and stop it.

I'm sorry if i sounded harsh, that wasn't my intention. But I dont tolerate pity parties and you're post was full of it.

Good luck.

P.S this helped me when I needed to be alone.
It could help you.
(sorry i forgot how to make a clicky linky)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

*insert something profound/witty/humorous here*

This post was edited by jael on Dec 04, 2010.

Dec 04, 2010 16:08 # 46965

LiveLiveMusic ** replies...

Re: Breathe easy.

91% | 2

And so, there it is. I like the "What the kcuf am I doing?" part! I'm still at the "Well, I'll be damned!!" moment.

I didn't want sympathy I wanted answers! My bad for sounding like "woe is me" in my initial post. It does sound that way as I re-read it. I want to truly understand the "game"...guess it's the Psychologist in me. That's terrible how I can want to research, psycho-analyze, ponder on everything but the right thing...ME! (e.g. What made me go there with that fool?!?)

I can hardly wait to be at the point you're at in terms of having zero feelings for ______. I'm getting there. Somewhat ashamed to admit, but I'm new to this crap and I must say this has been one hell of a crash course! On to the "journal" portion of this thing.

Dec 04, 2010 16:21 # 46966

jael *** replies...

Re: Breathe easy.

?% | 1

I want to truly understand the "game"...guess it's the Psychologist in me.

Heh, I'm not one, but I love trying to figure out how the mind works. So fresh perspective I guess?

That's terrible how I can want to research, psycho-analyze, ponder on everything but the right thing...ME!

We have the most skewed perceptions of ourselves. So... I tend not to trust my emotions 100%

But walks help. I've noticed when I go out for long strolls, up to 2 - 3 hours sometimes or just sit in the park or on the beach. Especially where you find a "shhhhh" sound.. like oceans, or wind or leaves rustling. It is the most comforting sound in the world. (mothers use it to sooth their babies).
This is when the mind goes into an almost meditative state.. its beautiful. Probably when I can see things without an emotional bias, or at the very least, not the strongest emotional bias to the situation.

I can hardly wait to be at the point you're at in terms of having zero feelings

Being a psychologist, you should know not to rush it. Take your time and go through the motions. Cry and get angry or kill pillows in the time being.

=)

*insert something profound/witty/humorous here*

Jan 07, 2015 05:41 # 47480

toeffi3404 * replies...

Re: Breathe easy.

If you want to pick-up the pieces in you life you can. It's easy. Don't do what you've been doing.
But sadly, I think you are just one of the millions of women who prefer you misery over a meaning in your life. Somehow, I think the drama makes you feel alive, or something.


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