Reading harold_maude's journal

Jul 19, 2014 11:37 # 47467

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In sorting things out I ran across something that rang right. Cold feet. It's something that is usually associated with wedding jitters, but not something I'd associate with where things are, starting over which is what's happened for all intent and purposes.

Cold feet. Stuck. Stopped. Scared. Wondering if this forward motion is a good thing or something, one more thing that down the road I'm going to regret.

I've seen myself as an out of the box type person for a long, long time, but never imagined that I'd be so far out of the box like this is.

I'm so glad that I remembered my pass word for this place. It does need a need identity because calling it the bat cave doesn't really work anymore.
Maybe a new name for it will show up and it will be a perfect fit, but it doesn't matter because everything in life has this feel of badly fitting shoes.

Everything also has this feel of being an observer in a class room.
It's very weird. I feel weird so I'm sure that's why it all feels so weird. I keep thinking that letting go of everything is the only way to go forward....

Getting used to this lap top is weird too. But change for all the upheaval that it can do, isn't a bad thing. I'm having to really rely on how good of a typist I actually am because trying to write with out being able to pick up the keyboard is a pain in the butt.
I chose this lap top because I wanted no bells or whistles or anything fancy. Just basic stuff that I could figure at least somethings out with...

Most of what the figuring out is about has more to do with being able to square with the reality of how alone I feel and how much all of this feels like dealing with the effects of a person after they have died.

I look around me and I see the world of a life that no longer has a point to it...and yet I'm still in the same body that I was in before it happened. A new life while still in the old body.
I wonder if the dust from this kind of thing ever really settles and I think maybe it does and then the wind comes along and blows it away and spreads it out until nothing familiar exists of the past.

Ground zero of a life that's gone.

This is what it looks like when it's not what you wanted or were on board with.
What's nice about loosing everything and not remembering what pass words are is that all the collected stuff that was passing interest is gone.
Almost all the things I'd bookmarked for later I don't remember. In truth it doesn't matter anymore. Amazing how much junk one can collect even on something that is more or less mostly invisible except on a screen that exists via electric currant.
Unless things get printed out and exists on copy paper, it's all just floating around in this nothingness.

The need to write remains. It tells me that it's one of the foundations that didn't get destroyed completely. It's like a life jacket that keeps me afloat in this sea that is so vast now that I have no clue where shore is or when I'll get there.

In dejunking this place and cleaning it up I'll be throwing away art that's been here for a long time. I'd decided that because I didn't want some greasy art dealer making tons of money on my work after I died that I'd leave instructions in a will that any art left after I died was to be destroyed.
I have always thought it unfair that an artist works for years creating works and can't make a living from it and after they die some jerk comes along and makes a shit ton of money. A leach that feeds on the dead.

So I'll be destroying art that I created and working on creating new stuff.
I was thinking that maybe I'll try my hand at painting from life instead of just painting and letting go and seeing what comes from it.
I get the feeling I'm a new person in the works from all of this.

It's not a bad deal actually. Since I already know that no matter where I go the family I have left won't care, and since all the people I used to think of as friends are gone out of my life, where I go is totally up to me.
It's been years since any of them called. It's been me doing all the keeping in contact.

They were important to me but like so many other things it's been one sided. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be in relationships of any kind where I'm just as important to them as they are to me.
If it's all just me then it's all one sided.
No point in wasting any more life on that kind of world. It takes and hurts and beats the crap out of a person.
If it's my life then I have to lay the ground rules. I know that I have a want to be important enough to be thought of more than in passing.
If I'm the only person in that world, then that's the way it has to be.

Since I haven't figured out how to use spell check, using those words I love that are rich and lovely like old finely crafted trinkets that decorate houses that look more like museums than living spaces, I have to keep it simple.
Simple is good.

I've learned a whole lot since I left 13 years ago. I learned that there are more people in the world who are about taking than giving. I've learned that nothing lasts. I've learned that people arn't interested in changing some kind of social injustice unless they are affected by it.
The world over there away from them is over there and it really is little more than over there and although they may talk about it, the impact to their lives is minimal at best.
Getting people to commit to making changes by standing and protesting and seeing things through takes time and that gets boring because it's not an instant thing and people love instant because this electronic world we live in has changed the levels of long term interest in people.
One of the visible effects of that is the credit card debt that exists and the amount of people living well beyond their means and then stuff happens and there is loss. Lots and lots of loss.
I have no doubt that there are more people feeling what I'm feeling in different shades of life than people who arn't.

The good news is that there is a movement to going minimalist which I actually really love. Get rid of the crap and find a way back to enjoying nature and having relationships that arn't based on some hand held devise.
It's a completing of a circle that started long before any of us who are alive today were ever born.

Anyway, enough for this morning. I have a sneaky feeling that sooner or later my need to have anything familiar will go into the junk heap too.
But that may turn out to be a wrong idea too. I thought I knew a whole lot, it turns out that I don't.
I still observe things and ponder them but I don't know much other than things look like what they look like.

...all of this makes me feel very much like waking up after a very long sleep and all the surroundings are strange.

strange and weird life in forward gear.


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